Midlife crisis aka Feeling the loss of everything I gave up over the last 10 years (vent/JAWM)

[Lecka]

Maybe I’m coming at it from a different direction, but if it would be better for you and your son to move, and your husband would follow fairly soon, maybe it’s not such a bad idea to go ahead with the move?

 

You could establish a foothold (for your husband, too) and start getting your son settled.  
 

I know people who have done this, as military spouses.  It’s often to get kids settled, but also to be better for the spouse.

 

Some husbands like being “free” to work.  
 

I would also say, often the husband stays in an apartment or buys a trailer or something (depending on weather) and the wife and kids establish the new household and home.

 

I think it’s a reasonable thing to do for the good of the family, when it’s meeting long-term goals.

 

Especially, there are times it can be good for kids.  Maybe there are family ties.  Maybe it’s just where people know they want to be long-term.  
 

When my kids were younger I would think “I would never do that” but since I have had teens I have seen teens get attached to places through their friends, and it’s harder to move them.  If there’s a hometown (or place you want to be long-term) then it makes a difference how long teens are there and how established they feel and what their own personal ties are.  
 

It depends, some teens can never have lived somewhere and it’s enough their grandparents are there and they always grew up liking the local sports team.

 

But other times it does matter.

 

My husband and I both desire for our adult kids to stay in our area or *at least see it as a viable option.*. We have lived two places that would have worked for *us* at our stage of life, but wouldn’t be very easy for young adults.  It’s something we talked about a lot, after finding that at church so many adult children had moved to a handful of places and very few stayed in the area.  
 

I think maybe people think about this more in the military, and people do have different opinions.  
 

But it’s a group where you do know people who move with teens and can hear things about how it works out.  
 

There’s always a combination of what is possible and what is not possible, and things can work out without it being the top choice.

 

But I think maybe moving early is not such a wild idea?  There are ways it may be more practical than staying, depending on your situation, long-term goals, son’s age and personality, son’s interests and likely activities, etc.  

 

I would wonder too if your son is also feeling any limbo, and sense of waiting to get involved, or not putting himself out there, or not starting new things, because of the possibility of moving.

 

I think it depends on personality and current situation, but this is something that a teen could be thinking about, too.  

Edited September 4, 2022 by Lecka

[Lecka]

I also think, some teens move easier than others, and a lot of the time it’s fairly predictable based on personality and activities.

 

Some personalities move more easily.

 

Some activities are easier than others to join in a new location. Some are very easy, and some are just tight-knit or somehow very place-specific.  Some look to “known quantities.”  For others, it seems not to be an issue at all.  

I think it also depends if you’re moving to a smaller place or a larger place.  A smaller place can be harder for teens, unless there are “ins” from family connections or something.  
 

I mean — that’s all so vague, but you know what teen you have and can have an idea about a lot of these things.  
 

I think too, if your son has a harder move from waiting, that is ultimately your problem, too.  

Edited September 4, 2022 by Lecka

[marbel]

3 hours ago, MissLemon said:

Y'all, I am being haunted by the Ghost of What Could Have Been. 

My great aunt was a VP of a publishing corporation in NYC.  She read some of my writing for my college literary magazine, called my father and said, "This is actually pretty good" (ha!), and then wrote me to offer a job as an entry level editor at Harper Collins in NYC. 

I was too lost and depressed to act on the offer.  So, I did what any lost, depressed 21-year-old would do: I ignored her letter and got drunk. 

Now I'm having dreams about my very generous, very kind great aunt asking me why I never took her up on the offer. 

Y'all. My great "I could have been a contender" moment.

 

Gently, this is where getting some counseling may help you.

My life is full of "could have/should haves." Most peoples' are. I suppose there are a few people who can look back and see that they are satisfied with the path they took. Most people I know see a lot of turns that they wish they'd avoided. I have a few "coulda been a contender" moments. Most people have. 

I'm not scolding you, if it sounds like it, for feeling bad about this. I get it. I have a lot of regrets about how I lived my life. But looking back, and comparing yourself to people who it seems have done more with their lives is a losing game.  I have been in company with highly-accomplished people and have been ashamed at the apparent smallness of my life compared to theirs. And yet, when I talk about homeschooling my kids, caring for my family and home... it doesn't sound all that small.

A counselor may help you put your life in perspective.  💗

 

Edited September 4, 2022 by marbel

[regentrude]

12 minutes ago, marbel said:

But looking back, and comparing yourself to people who it seems have done more with their lives is a losing game.  I have been in company with highly-accomplished people and have been ashamed at the apparent smallness of my life compared to theirs. 

And FWIW, that person who appears to be "highly accomplished" to the outside world may have exactly the same feelings about not having lived up to *her* full potential and may regret not having done more with *her* life.

Edited September 4, 2022 by regentrude

[Lecka]

When I feel good about how things are going, I don’t feel regret very much.

When I don’t feel good about how things are going, that is when I think more about “how did I get here” and where else I could be instead.

Or how a situation could be better or different.

That is just how it works for me.

I can see it being a therapy thing but for me it is a lot more about trying to figure out the present, I think.  

Or thinking “how do I feel from getting in this situation again in the future?”

There are ways my current life is a response to regrets I have (or had in the past).

Where we live, some financial decisions, family relationships, how to be involved in the community, etc, are some areas where I have had major regret with seeing how choices were working, but we have adjusted.

I think the issue of having accomplished relatives is a hard one.  I don’t feel that way and yet — I have struggled with some things where it seems like family members value certain accomplishments and my children, spouse and I don’t fit into it.  I would say it hurts my feelings and I think it can be rude (I think it has been rude and thoughtless as far as some things that have been said).

But I personally try to think about how I can be an interesting person and have something interesting to say, and also I think about how I value other people.  
 

I had struggled recently with feeling like many things going on with me, couldn’t be discussed because of privacy issues with my children.  
 

It was something motivating me to get involved with the volunteer thing I’m doing now.

 

Well it turns out I am not that interested in the same 5 conversations about that!

 

But it’s still helpful I think, it’s still something about me, even if I don’t actually talk about it that much.

Edit:  I have felt judged the way you are saying, but it is more that I feel like other people can think it about me.  I feel like I have relatives who are judgmental in this way.  I don’t think it is fair on numerous levels, though, and I will defend my kids if it comes up.  
 

Which I don’t think is the same thing — but I know what you mean in that way, and I hate it!

 

Edited September 4, 2022 by Lecka

[Lecka]

This is maybe not the same thing, but in the past year or two, since I have moved back to my hometown, I have taken steps to change the terms of some of my family relationships.  
 

I have also decided to spend more and less time with relatives in a way that is different from the old status quo.  
 

It has made a big difference to me.  
 

It’s also still a work in progress, but it is much better.  
 

 

[Halftime Hope]

On 9/2/2022 at 6:40 PM, fraidycat said:

I'm sorry. I can somewhat relate. My DH has made some comments recently that were seemingly dismissive of my many years as a SAHM, homeschooling mother, and military wife who moved all over the dang country in support of his career. It hurts that they just don't get it.

 

Big hugs.

Twin bed for you, dh...

[Harriet Vane]

I'm sure you're well aware of this, but I will say it to be on the safe side:

 

Yes, money is a factor in a big move.

Not disrupting high school is a bigger factor, in my opinion. Moving mid-high school was really, really hard on my dd. I also recall a friend from my teenage years who greatly appreciated NOT being forced to move her senior year (her parents moved and rented her a room with a trusted family friend).

So whatever decisions you and your dh make should be made with your ds' best transition as the most important factor. There are a zillion ways to maximize money. There is only ONE timeline for a growing teenager--he will age at the same rate no matter what you do.

I would definitely get counseling in place if that factor is not clearly understood and embraced by both parents.

[Lecka]

Moving a teen is definitely not something to do lightly.  
 

Like — if you are able to go ahead and move, and know moving is the plan, sometimes you just go ahead and do it.

 

And sometimes you wait.

 

And sometimes there is no choice and you make the best of it.

 

I think for myself — if I thought it was not in my child’s favor, and my husband was being stubborn, I would really resent any problems that came from moving at a later time.

 

On the other hand, we have had problems from a move, but it was a joint decision between my husband and I, and it was the best we could do.  With the age of our kids and my husband’s job, what we would have done with one child would then put us having younger children who would then be the ones who would have to be moved as teens, and just more details.

 

I feel it was a joint decision, that was not 100% ideal but was our best option.

 

So now there are problems but I am not *mad at my husband.*
 

Several years ago we had a situation that I did not feel was a joint decision, I felt like my husband was not willing to listen, although I also had sympathies with him and didn’t think he was selfish.  
 

But when some things that I had thought would happen, did happen, well — I really felt like it could have been avoided and maybe we could have made the previous decision differently.  
 

Afterward my husband did feel like he had discounted what I was seeing and was buying into some belief that “oh the kids will be fine this is all normal” but then he regretted that.

 

Well — we might have made the same decision!  But at least we would have been on the same page.  And it would have been better for us.  
 

So that happened, and then that influenced our more recent thing as being a joint decision.

 

 

 

 

[Tap]

Have you tried writing down what you feel would help you feel better. If you were in the city, what would u be doing different? Start to make your plan. If it involves college or classes, start researching and getting documents you need. If you will need a class like college algebra…. Work at home so you can try to test out of it. Start looking at volunteer positions, it that is important to you. Then call the places you are interested in to see if the need any virtual help. 
 

I know this is a jawm but I remember this feeling all to well. It is crushing 😔(((((hugs))))

[scholastica]

9 hours ago, MissLemon said:

Y'all, I am being haunted by the Ghost of What Could Have Been. 

My great aunt was a VP of a publishing corporation in NYC.  She read some of my writing for my college literary magazine, called my father and said, "This is actually pretty good" (ha!), and then wrote me to offer a job as an entry level editor at Harper Collins in NYC. 

I was too lost and depressed to act on the offer.  So, I did what any lost, depressed 21-year-old would do: I ignored her letter and got drunk. 

Now I'm having dreams about my very generous, very kind great aunt asking me why I never took her up on the offer. 

Y'all. My great "I could have been a contender" moment.

 

There are no parallel universes. Since it didn’t happen, it couldn’t have been. You could have taken that job and gotten hit by a bus on your way to work the first day. Don’t do this to yourself.
 

You are in a really tough spot right now. It is frustrating on so many levels. I am sorry for all of it and I hope it resolves quickly so you can move on in your life. Throwing a pitcher us totally understandable.

[madteaparty]

6 hours ago, regentrude said:

And FWIW, that person who appears to be "highly accomplished" to the outside world may have exactly the same feelings about not having lived up to *her* full potential and may regret not having done more with *her* life.

Right. Like not spending enough time with one’s kids, for example 😉

[regentrude]

26 minutes ago, madteaparty said:

Right. Like not spending enough time with one’s kids, for example 😉

That's a common regret. But they can even feel they have spent plenty of time with their kids and held a job that society considers worth of respect and earned income and pursued oodles of hobbies and took care of the household... and still feel their life has no purpose.

The feelings of emptiness, of existential boredom, of futility, of lack of meaning are created internally and only very loosely related to outside factors. 

Edited September 4, 2022 by regentrude

[Katy]

23 hours ago, MissLemon said:

By the time I would finish school, I'd be mid 50s, and no one is going to hire me fresh out of school after over a decade of unemployment.  School would essentially be a vanity project, something to do just to say I did it. That's a heck of a lot of money to sink into a vanity project. 

My best options for employment would be to get certified/educated for a fields that have trouble attracting workers. Like teaching and some health care jobs.

Why are you only considering female-centric jobs that are physically demanding and underpaid? There are plenty of male-centered fields that are always looking for qualified women, even older ones. Consider accounting, engineering, programming, and data science. Many of the later two are work from home and very well paid. 

13 hours ago, MissLemon said:

I'm in limbo. Not enough time to start anything here but no specific end date to know when I can start something elsewhere. 

So the problem is basically this: I don't have a clear path forward for the next phase of life. I know I need to do something, anything to give myself a jump start and find some meaning again.  But because we're in moving limbo, I can't start anything new.  Even if I wanted to start a day care or housecleaning business, or tutor kids, or find a local class to attend, or go back to working at the animal hospital, by the time any of that actually gets off the ground, it will be time to leave.  Because of this, I can only do things that involve low-commitment and what I'm craving is something that requires long term commitment. 

Maybe I'll still feel unhappy and angry once I get to where we want to move. Maybe a new location will only offer new distractions and dissatisfaction will again seep in.  What I know for certain is that what I am doing here, in my current location, isn't working.  There aren't many options here. DH sees that and agrees there aren't good options for me or DS. 

I feel like I'm waiting on a bus that is 3 hours late and has no estimated time of arrival. 

So FORGET those fields and look into the ones I mentioned or others that are similar. Find FREE classes online or even recorded lectures on YouTube in each field and watch enough of them to know if you would like any of them. Then decide what you want to do.

[Melissa Louise]

3 hours ago, regentrude said:

That's a common regret. But they can even feel they have spent plenty of time with their kids and held a job that society considers worth of respect and earned income and pursued oodles of hobbies and took care of the household... and still feel their life has no purpose.

The feelings of emptiness, of existential boredom, of futility, of lack of meaning are created internally and only very loosely related to outside factors. 

Yes, this. 

It's an internally generated state. 

That doesn't mean the solution can't involve external factors, or that 'its all in your head' or you need to 'change  your mindset'.  Our internal states are in relationship with the external. 

But it does mean that at a deep level, this is something that finds its resolution within you. 

[Kanin]

10 hours ago, regentrude said:

And FWIW, that person who appears to be "highly accomplished" to the outside world may have exactly the same feelings about not having lived up to *her* full potential and may regret not having done more with *her* life.

Yes. Someone I work with feels this way. Everyone at work thinks she is the absolute best. Smart, fun, beautiful, creative, adventurous, funny... but she shared with me that she has always had low self-esteem and beats herself up for past decisions all the time.