Advice for dealing with aging parents & hoarding

[lauraw4321]

Long, so TIA. 

My parents are in their mid-late 60's. My mom is retired and has been for some time. Our house growing up was always "messy" and I was always embarrassed to have people over.  After I moved out, the house has devolved into hoarder level issues. Thankfully there's no bugs or gross food, because my parents eat out or get fast food for every meal. My mom has several hobbies, including sewing. She had the garage of the house turned into a sewing room. It is packed to the point it's difficult to get around. There is fabric everywhere. Nearly every horizontal surface is covered. 

She also really likes reading. She has at least 5 bookshelves that are full, and there are piles of books in front of the bookshelves. Another room is dedicated to more sewing, scrapbooking, extra clothes, quilts, etc. Every closet is packed. There is a shed in the back yard that is also packed. If she lived to be 100, she couldn't sew up all the fabric she has, and she buys more at least weekly.

My dad still works, and says he plans to until he's unable to. I think the truth is that he has to in order to support their lifestyle and he mentioned to me a couple of times that he never really planned for / saved for retirement. They own their house outright, and I believe their debt to be minimal. 

My mom recently came into a medium amount of money (middle five figures). She's now wants to sell her house and move into a bigger one closer to my part of town.

I'm an only child and some day all of this is going to become my issue to deal with. It was awful dealing with my grandfather's stuff (her father), and of course it only contributed to her overwhelming amount of stuff in her own house. We have a difficult relationship. I think on her side it's perfectly satisfactory, but I try very hard to keep everything surface level, set boundaries, etc.

I really want my mom to take some responsibility for all of her STUFF so that I don't have to spend years of my life dealing with. Because of her health issues, it's likely my father will outlive her, so he will have to deal with all of this as well. He is easy going to the point of co-dependency, and won't put his foot down ever. I tried to interfere in their relationship exactly one time in my life (I couldn't stand her bullying him - at least that's the way it seems to me (and most of the rest of the outside world), and he told me to shut up.

When my mom first started talking about moving, I suggested that she speak with a financial planner. I need to either get a game plan, or just forget about it. But I'm prematurely bitter about the mess (financial and literal) that's being created here.

[prairiewindmomma]

View her horde as a physical representation of her mental illness. You can’t logic your way into helping her solve that.

Your best hope is to help her get help for her underlying anxiety, and to set appropriate boundaries. If you don’t want to deal with her horde, don’t. 1-800-get-junk will likely still be in business when she passes. You can help your dad at that point by calling them to coordinate the clean out.

[lauraw4321]

But, here are my concerns (which I should have put more clearly). What happens when one of them has a disability and can no longer move around their house? What happens when my dad can no longer work - do I let them sink their few resources into a new house?

[Laura Corin]

My mother couldn't throw things away. It was, I believe an expression of her anxiety. One time I wanted to bring her grandchildren to stay with her (we lived overseas) and she said 'But then I would have to tidy the house and that would make me miserable.'

At the time I was hurt and angry. Now I believe that her anxiety due to early abandonment caused her to hold onto things. She now lives in a care home and hoards used paper napkins.

Reasoning with her did not and would not work. My brother cleared out her home.

[lauraw4321]

What if I said that in order for the kids to come and visit, things needed to be cleaned up more? I have a lot of leverage. The thing is, it would be my dad who would end up doing all of the work.

[StephanieZ]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Sounds really rough. (((hugs)))

I'd remind yourself that you may owe your parents some degree of caring, but you owe NOTHING to your parents' crap. Humans =/= their possessions. 

When "you have to deal with it," you can choose to simply A) decline being executor of the estate and just let the state take everything they own or maybe set it on fire or whatever. or B) If there's enough money available to make it worth the while of dealing with the estate, just spend as much as is needed to hire help. Go through it as much as you wish (or not at all), take what you really want, and just have some charity and/or GotJunk company take the rest.  It's your CHOICE whether the "stuff" is worth the strain of dealing with it. You have the power. Is it worth a year of your life going through all that crap to maybe clear $10k in worthy stuff? Or if it's 100k? Not worth it, then don't do it. That choice is 100% on you, not on whoever left the crap. Clearly, the crap IS worth it to your mom. She chooses to live this way. You get to choose whether it's worth it to you, WHEN it's your choice. 

Likewise, you can choose what and when kind of help you are willing to provide during their lives. You can say, "I can help you get a dumpster delivered. It's $400 for 30 days. What credit card do you want me to put it on?" or "I can give you three numbers of organizers/cleaners/junk haulers . . . Here they are. I'm available Saturdays and Wednesdays in July if you'd like me to come over and help supervise." . . . etc. You can say NO. That's on YOU.

[lauraw4321]

The thing is, it's hard to separate responsibility to my parents and responsibility for their stuff.  Eventually one of them won't be able to walk. The state of their house will prevent them from being able from staying in it. So what will my choices be then? They have made no plans for their aging and decline. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Browse the elder law resources in your area. At the point at which she can no longer navigate or it becomes a fire hazard, odds are you can convince a hospital not to release to home care which would force a nursing home or assisted living placement.

Any chance you can get a private phone call in to your dad (his cell at work?) and ask him what his plans are? I would absolutely view his relationship as codependent/enabler.

If you want/need  to deal with this at some point, make sure you have HIPPAA release forms from them and talk directly with her doctor about the degree of her hording. It is very common to see an increase in these behaviors as people age, and there is a correlation to early stages of dementia. But, honestly, expect a fierce power struggle.
 

Logic does not play a part is hording.

[lauraw4321]

Just now, prairiewindmomma said:

expect a fierce power struggle.
 

This sentence basically sums up my relationship with them. 

[prairiewindmomma]

18 minutes ago, lauraw4321 said:

This sentence basically sums up my relationship with them. 

Yeah, I think you are wanting something (acknowledgment of problem, resolution of horde, responsible use of money, etc.) that you are not likely to receive from them. Let that burden go.

And, honestly, plan to meet your parents elsewhere....at a restaurant, at a park, wherever. You don’t have to subject your own family to their home either. If they ask, I would share the reasoning, but odds are they won’t ask either.

[StephanieZ]

38 minutes ago, lauraw4321 said:

The thing is, it's hard to separate responsibility to my parents and responsibility for their stuff.  Eventually one of them won't be able to walk. The state of their house will prevent them from being able from staying in it. So what will my choices be then? They have made no plans for their aging and decline. 

 

I do understand that it's hard. That's why I suggest "reminding yourself," of the reality of the situation. As long as they are mentally fit (legally and medically), you are NOT responsible for their problems. If/when they both become unfit (or one is a danger to the other), then you may have to take control, but that would require a lot of legal guidance. As long as either of them is still mentally fit, then you have zero power in this situation, and IMHO, you're best off learning to handle your lack of control and limit your own vulnerability to pain/trouble/angst. If you need therapy to help you do that, then you are in good company, and you'll be well served by getting these skills on board now. You may have 20-30 more years of managing your relationships with your aging parents. Get the help you need to come up with a plan you feel good about and stay strong in implementing it. 

If Adult Protective Services or whomever decides at some point that they can't stay in their house the way it is, then that would be a "crisis point," at which time you'll have to lay out boundaries and offers based on the specific needs. A crisis point may happen when one gets injured, ill or dies. The nature of the crisis will determine your options.

It does no good to agonize about things you can't control. 

[Pen]

There are services that can help so that in many places if those types of services are available, it doesn’t have to be you or your dad.  You might want to talk with your dad about the situation and what he wants. 

 

Maybe try talking with them about plans etc.,  but if they don’t want to, prepare to let it go.  

 

41 minutes ago, lauraw4321 said:

The thing is, it's hard to separate responsibility to my parents and responsibility for their stuff.  Eventually one of them won't be able to walk. The state of their house will prevent them from being able from staying in it. So what will my choices be then? They have made no plans for their aging and decline. 

 

Do they have a condition where not being able to walk is expected?

 

are you hoping to inherit something or is it okay if they continue as they are and then go into a nursing home if needed?

talking about improving home livability might be good now with Covid being a great reason to be likely to want to avoid a nursing home

[lauraw4321]

1 hour ago, Pen said:

There are services that can help so that in many places if those types of services are available, it doesn’t have to be you or your dad.  You might want to talk with your dad about the situation and what he wants. 

 

Maybe try talking with them about plans etc.,  but if they don’t want to, prepare to let it go.  

I think I should tell them at least what my boundaries are so that they aren’t relying on me for financial / living with me support  

Do they have a condition where not being able to walk is expected?

Yes, it is likely for my mom  

 

are you hoping to inherit something or is it okay if they continue as they are and then go into a nursing home if needed?

I have no plans to inherit or desire  to. My father has told me many times that there will be nothing left.  I am afraid that the only options will be Medicaid facilities which are hard to get into and awful. But I haven’t been saving enough to cover nursing care for them .

talking about improving home livability might be good now with Covid being a great reason to be likely to want to avoid a nursing home

You have all convinced me not to even try with the stuff issue. Instead I do plan to at least try to have a conversation about their plans and financial situation. At a minimum I want them to know that I’m not planning on providing for them. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I would feel like it was none of my business.  I mean, we are not talking about unsanitary conditions with rotted food, or vermin, I don’t think.  So they are living the way they want to live, which they have every right to do.  I wouldn’t worry about it as a reflection on me, and I don’t think it would be that hard to clear it all out once they pass, so I’d focus on other things.

[Pen]

28 minutes ago, lauraw4321 said:

You have all convinced me not to even try with the stuff issue. Instead I do plan to at least try to have a conversation about their plans and financial situation. At a minimum I want them to know that I’m not planning on providing for them. 

 

I think a conversation about concerns and boundaries sounds like a good idea.  

Some assisted living etc facilities are set up to accept an initial purchase of an apartment or other home in the facility from selling own home as the buy in cost which gradually gets spent down.  Until Medicaid picks up. 

If that’s a possibility for them, a more valuable house might actually make some sense.  Or a house that could be rented out to cover costs...

They may be in better shape than you realize.

 

 

 

[Carrie12345]

3 hours ago, lauraw4321 said:

What if I said that in order for the kids to come and visit, things needed to be cleaned up more? I have a lot of leverage. The thing is, it would be my dad who would end up doing all of the work.

Your dad is a grown man responsible for handling his own relationship. 
Which sound blunt, but I spent years watching my husband try to intervene for his father’s sake while fil continued to enable mil. And it nearly destroyed us.

I do think it’s important to try to have a conversation.  But I highly advise to set and maintain some boundaries upfront.

 

[Tiberia]

I found that I could initiate difficult discussions with the phrase, "When the time comes...."   and then discuss potential problems that you see now, but they may not see at all.

"I know you're not needing this now, mom, but when the time comes, how do you want to clean out the house if you can't walk and need a wheelchair..." 

"When the time comes, I won't be able to provide financial support for you, so what are you think about doing?" 

and so on. 

I'm sorry. This is hard, but as a PP said, you can't make them do anything right now. They get to choose how they live right now. 

Edited June 29, 2020 by Tiberia

[Pen]

9 minutes ago, Tiberia said:

I found that I could initiated difficult discussions with the phrase, "When the time comes...."   and then discuss potential problems that you see now, but they may not see at all.

"I know you're not needing this now, mom, but when the time comes, how do you want to clean out the house if you can't walk and need a wheelchair..." 

"When the time comes, I won't be able to provide financial support for you, so what are you think about doing?" 

and so on. 

I'm sorry. This is hard, but as a PP said, you can't make them do anything right now. They get to choose how they live right now. 

 

Ooh! I like that!

maybe it could even be phrased “if the time comes”.    Like “if the time comes and you are needing a wheelchair, how do you want to clean out the house?”

 

[melmichigan]

3 hours ago, lauraw4321 said:

What if I said that in order for the kids to come and visit, things needed to be cleaned up more? I have a lot of leverage. The thing is, it would be my dad who would end up doing all of the work.

Don't set yourself up for that disappointment.  My husband spent 20 years waiting for his mother to be able to spend time with her grandchildren.  

My children were never allowed in my MIL's house by my rules.  All you can do is set boundaries for your own health.

[HS Mom in NC]

1. You're an only child, so it makes sense to ask your parents about their plans should they become unable to care for themselves because you're the next of kin.  You can ask if they have a DNR in place, Medical Power of Attorney, Legal Power of Attorney, a trust, an updated will, designated executor, etc. so that you can let the appropriate people know what they want done in that situation. You'll need them to gather their legal documents in a single 3 ring binder and tell you where it is. If they don't then the natural consequences will kick in. Find out what those consequences are and emotionally prepare yourself for watching them happen without trying to rescue your parents from it.  If you don't want to be the responsible party to make decisions on their behalf, you should let them know now so they can find someone else and let that person know the appropriate details.   If you're willing to take that on, let them know that if they don't have their desires clearly documented, you'll just have to make your best guess as each issue presents itself.  

Be forewarned, something happened to Baby Boomers as a whole that makes them unrealistic about their own mortality.  It's remarkable how many of them are unwilling to face likely, predictable, inevitable last chapter of life issues.  Don't assume they're going to have an epiphany and get real about the situation.  If the do, great, but odds are slim to none.  Decide your priorities now, and don't apologize for them or feel guilty about sticking to them. 

If you decide to not sacrifice your family life, sanity, and your own personal responsibilities to your spouse and your children by sifting through consumer goods and house projects for a bit more profit when it's time to sell, don't feel bad about it.  Clearly remind yourself that you're choosing quality of life and relationships over quantity of inanimate objects.  Just because Mom dedicated her existence to serving the stuff monster doesn't mean you have to on her behalf when she can't anymore. Just because Dad went catered to her wishes doesn't mean you have to.  It's not your job to protect them from the natural consequences of their actions.  If it becomes appropriate to call adult services, then do it without apology.  If she needs a nursing home, then she needs a nursing home. If the house has to be priced significantly lower because there are problems you don't have the time, money, or energy to deal with, then so be it. If you only have the desire to clear the house by hiring workers to throw it all in a rented dumpster, then that's what should happen. If you aren't willing or able to do anything with a hoarded house, then let whatever happens in that situation happen. It's not being mean, cold, or selfish.  It's just life.  

2.  Remember that they can't sell a house with a hoard in it unless the buyer is planning a tear down. If Mom is imagining selling her house to enthusiastic and generous buyers, odds are she'll need to clear it out, address any wear and tear that went on under/behind the hoard (which is common,)  get it market ready, and sell it for enough to cover the cost of a bigger house, shop for a new house, purchase a new house, pack up her hoard, and move it to the new place.  I'd be surprised if she managed to pull that off. I'd be surprised if Dad has the time and energy to pull that off.

3.  Unless Mom sees her hoarding as a problem and is willing to see a professional who specializes in dealing with the psychology of it, it won't change.  Make any plans for setting healthy boundaries assuming she will get worse about her life decisions, not better.

[HS Mom in NC]

33 minutes ago, Tiberia said:

I found that I could initiate difficult discussions with the phrase, "When the time comes...."   and then discuss potential problems that you see now, but they may not see at all.

"I know you're not needing this now, mom, but when the time comes, how do you want to clean out the house if you can't walk and need a wheelchair..." 

"When the time comes, I won't be able to provide financial support for you, so what are you think about doing?" 

and so on. 

I'm sorry. This is hard, but as a PP said, you can't make them do anything right now. They get to choose how they live right now. 

I've had that conversation several times with my 77 year old father in the last 3 years.  His response has been, "I haven't really thought about it." He did tell me last time that he wants me to, "Pull the plug" if he's in a vegetative state,  but hasn't done any thinking about or doing the  legal work of hammering out other serious medical situations and interventions.  Sigh. Yep, I'm prepared to let the consequences happen. It will fall on my brother, but what can he do if Dad won't address it properly?

Dad lives alone (divorced 3 times between the late 70s and the late 80s) 45 minutes away from my only sibling. I live on the other side of the country and he's refused to let us help him move near us so we can see him all the time. He doesn't contact us at all, we have to contact him.  He has only one set of friends he eats lunch with once a month, but only 2 are still alive. He rarely speaks to neighbors, and most are elderly and going into care anyway. I've already resigned myself to him dying and being left unfound until someone walking by his house smells his decomposing body, or he doesn't answer one of our bimonthly phone calls and my brother has to go over there and check on him. Then he'll find the parts of Dad the cat hasn't finished eating yet.  It sounds cold when I say it, but I have to face the reality.  If I'm not prepared for that then it will be all that much harder to deal with when it happens.

[Selkie]

5 hours ago, lauraw4321 said:

I really want my mom to take some responsibility for all of her STUFF so that I don't have to spend years of my life dealing with. Because of her health issues, it's likely my father will outlive her, so he will have to deal with all of this as well. He is easy going to the point of co-dependency, and won't put his foot down ever. I tried to interfere in their relationship exactly one time in my life (I couldn't stand her bullying him - at least that's the way it seems to me (and most of the rest of the outside world), and he told me to shut up.

I hate to give you one more thing to worry about, but this describes my in-laws' marriage to a T. When MIL died, FIL was completely lost and helpless. He had been passive for so long that he couldn't handle life on his own without someone to boss him around. So he went and married another domineering woman in a big rush and, predictably, disaster ensued. The last twenty years of his life have been one huge mess because of that terrible decision. I hope it doesn't happen that way for your dad, but it is something to be aware of. Men often make foolish choices when their longtime spouse dies, and I think passive men are particularly susceptible.

[mlktwins]

Writing here to give you a HUG and to remind myself to come back to this thread.  I got my dad moved and cleaned out, fixed up, and sold his house (a time period of 9/2018 to 6/2019).  About killed me, but it is done.  I'll come back to comment when I get a little more time.  

 

[Laura Corin]

15 hours ago, lauraw4321 said:

The thing is, it's hard to separate responsibility to my parents and responsibility for their stuff.  Eventually one of them won't be able to walk. The state of their house will prevent them from being able from staying in it. So what will my choices be then? They have made no plans for their aging and decline. 

My mum lived in England, so your situation may vary. She had a health crisis and was hospitalised. The police were called to her house over possible vandalism (there wasn't any - a crumbling window frame had released a pane of glass that fell out). The policeman smelled gas - it turns out Mum had lost her sense of smell. The hospital wouldn't allow her to return home - her mode of living was a danger to her next-door neighbour, who was also elderly. 

Very often it is a major health crisis that forces the issue. Until that moment, my mum would not let us do anything to help. Afterwards, she came to stay with me for two years, then moved into a care home. The whole process was really, really hard. Strangely though, once she moved out of her house, she didn't pine for all her old things.

[DoraBora]

12 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I would feel like it was none of my business.  I mean, we are not talking about unsanitary conditions with rotted food, or vermin, I don’t think.  So they are living the way they want to live, which they have every right to do.  I wouldn’t worry about it as a reflection on me, and I don’t think it would be that hard to clear it all out once they pass, so I’d focus on other things.

My mom was not really a hoarder, just very sentimental and pretty disorganized.  Cleaning out her house to get her moved was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  It took months and months because my siblings and I kept finding important stuff -- irreplaceable family photos, legal papers, and cash(!) -- mixed in with what seemed to be junk.

It would have been easier if she had no longer been alive, which is a sad way to put it, but many people don't die at home.  They have to move to a care facility (or move in with someone).

Edited June 29, 2020 by DoraBora

[DoraBora]

17 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

1. You're an only child, so it makes sense to ask your parents about their plans should they become unable to care for themselves because you're the next of kin.  You can ask if they have a DNR in place, Medical Power of Attorney, Legal Power of Attorney, a trust, an updated will, designated executor, etc. so that you can let the appropriate people know what they want done in that situation. You'll need them to gather their legal documents in a single 3 ring binder and tell you where it is. If they don't then the natural consequences will kick in. Find out what those consequences are and emotionally prepare yourself for watching them happen without trying to rescue your parents from it.  If you don't want to be the responsible party to make decisions on their behalf, you should let them know now so they can find someone else and let that person know the appropriate details.   If you're willing to take that on, let them know that if they don't have their desires clearly documented, you'll just have to make your best guess as each issue presents itself.  

Be forewarned, something happened to Baby Boomers as a whole that makes them unrealistic about their own mortality.  It's remarkable how many of them are unwilling to face likely, predictable, inevitable last chapter of life issues.  Don't assume they're going to have an epiphany and get real about the situation.  If the do, great, but odds are slim to none.  Decide your priorities now, and don't apologize for them or feel guilty about sticking to them. 

If you decide to not sacrifice your family life, sanity, and your own personal responsibilities to your spouse and your children by sifting through consumer goods and house projects for a bit more profit when it's time to sell, don't feel bad about it.  Clearly remind yourself that you're choosing quality of life and relationships over quantity of inanimate objects.  Just because Mom dedicated her existence to serving the stuff monster doesn't mean you have to on her behalf when she can't anymore. Just because Dad went catered to her wishes doesn't mean you have to.  It's not your job to protect them from the natural consequences of their actions.  If it becomes appropriate to call adult services, then do it without apology.  If she needs a nursing home, then she needs a nursing home. If the house has to be priced significantly lower because there are problems you don't have the time, money, or energy to deal with, then so be it. If you only have the desire to clear the house by hiring workers to throw it all in a rented dumpster, then that's what should happen. If you aren't willing or able to do anything with a hoarded house, then let whatever happens in that situation happen. It's not being mean, cold, or selfish.  It's just life.  

2.  Remember that they can't sell a house with a hoard in it unless the buyer is planning a tear down. If Mom is imagining selling her house to enthusiastic and generous buyers, odds are she'll need to clear it out, address any wear and tear that went on under/behind the hoard (which is common,)  get it market ready, and sell it for enough to cover the cost of a bigger house, shop for a new house, purchase a new house, pack up her hoard, and move it to the new place.  I'd be surprised if she managed to pull that off. I'd be surprised if Dad has the time and energy to pull that off.

3.  Unless Mom sees her hoarding as a problem and is willing to see a professional who specializes in dealing with the psychology of it, it won't change.  Make any plans for setting healthy boundaries assuming she will get worse about her life decisions, not better.

I think you're spot on in all of these apart from the Boomer comment.  🙂  My "Silent Generation" mom and many of her friends seem to think they'll live forever.  Agressive medical care and our culture's tendency to worship longevity at (nearly) any cost are probably to blame.  The idea that there's always something else to try -- a procedure, a new drug, etc. -- is a fairly recent development in our history.  People used to just die.  Now they dwindle.  I suspect that Gen-Xers will be much the same when they are old.  (I hope I won't be!)

People don't like to think about their deaths or even think about what will happen when they can no longer care for themselves.  Many people never make a will or any plan or provision for what is to be done with all of their stuff or where they'll go when they can't handle the house anymore.  It's just too hard.

Edited June 29, 2020 by DoraBora

[HS Mom in NC]

25 minutes ago, DoraBora said:

I think you're spot on in all of these apart from the Boomer comment.  🙂  My "Silent Generation" mom and many of her friends seem to think they'll live forever.  Agressive medical care and our culture's tendency to worship longevity at (nearly) any cost are probably to blame.  The idea that there's always something else to try -- a procedure, a new drug, etc. -- is a fairly recent development in our history.  People used to just die.  Now they dwindle.  I suspect that Gen-Xers will be much the same when they are old.  (I hope I won't be!)

People don't like to think about their deaths or even think about what will happen when they can no longer care for themselves.  Many people never make a will or any plan or provision for what is to be done with all of their stuff or where they'll go when they can't handle the house anymore.  It's just too hard.

Both my parents and my in-laws are last year and next to last year Silent Gen.  They're culturally Baby Boomers because that's who they spent their time with.  I agree that Silent Gen has this problem too.  I was born in 1973, so I'm later Gen X, but most of my Gen X friends had Baby Boomer parents.  Mine were 30 and 28 when I was born, and having kids in your early-mid 20s was far more common my friends' parents.  I would say those I know dealing with older parent issues are dealing with Baby Boomers and are frustrated with their parents for the same reasons.

As a Gen X person myself, I think having watched our Greatest Gen grandparents and younger Silent Gen and Baby Boomer parents dwindle for years, we're the more likely to not want all those interventions that don't contribute to quality of life. I suppose those who didn't help care for their parents and grandparents at end of life are probably not really thinking about it as much are probably subconsciously assuming they'll use whatever medical interventions are available, but since Gen X is the sandwiched generation, those who are not thinking about it are  probably not in the majority. 

[DoraBora]

4 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Both my parents and my in-laws are last year and next to last year Silent Gen.  They're culturally Baby Boomers because that's who they spent their time with.  I agree that Silent Gen has this problem too.  I was born in 1973, so I'm later Gen X, but most of my Gen X friends had Baby Boomer parents.  Mine were 30 and 28 when I was born, and having kids in your early-mid 20s was far more common my friends' parents.  I would say those I know dealing with older parent issues are dealing with Baby Boomers and are frustrated with their parents for the same reasons.

As a Gen X person myself, I think having watched our Greatest Gen grandparents and younger Silent Gen and Baby Boomer parents dwindle for years, we're the more likely to not want all those interventions that don't contribute to quality of life. I suppose those who didn't help care for their parents and grandparents at end of life are probably not really thinking about it as much are probably subconsciously assuming they'll use whatever medical interventions are available, but since Gen X is the sandwiched generation, those who are not thinking about it are  probably not in the majority. 

Yes.  I think about this a lot, particularly now that we have this wretched virus about.  I hope to be realistic and to face facts with courage, but it may not be so easy when I actually become old. 

My mother took care of both of my grandmothers through ill health and dementia, and is a retired hospice nurse(!).  She was so practical and matter of fact about preparing for old age and death, but lately, she seems to think differently, at least about medical interventions.  (This shouldn't be surprising, human nature being what it is.  It's pretty easy to make brave  pronouncements about something that's years away, but another to follow through when the time comes.)

Wrt her stuff -- she still has way too much, though at least now she's in a small apartment so there's less of it.  I guess she plans for my siblings and me to re-home all of it when she is gone or must go into full-time care.   We don't talk about that part.  She does say nearly every time I speak to her that she's going through boxes and drawers to throw out what she doesn't love or use, but I think it's too late in her life for her to be able to do that.  She never has anything for us to take away for her.

[Beth S]

I can't resist sharing our BTDT from early March 2020:

For an entire decade, my 2 dbs & I were dreading helping our parents move out of their hoarder home-of-50-years into a retirement apt.
My folks signed a contract THREE years beforehand.  They knew the date of their move.
They did ZERO prep.
Except they rolled up the living room rug.
My mom tripped over it, & broke her femur.  Trump locked down the nursing homes in early March.
She was physically kept from being in the house.

My siblings & I had set aside the following week to help them move.
It was a breeze.
For 3 days, I prepped for the Movers, and then for 4 days we sorted thru what was left.
Estate Sale Guy did his best to sell the surplus during Quarantine (on commission) . . . and the new buyers said they'd take whatever was left.
We didn't even have to rent a dumpster.
(But we took 4 cubic yards of receipts & bank statements to the shredders!?!)

All in all, we did what we could within our personal time constraints.
My parents are happy in their new retirement apt . . . which YES . . . is already filled to the brim with stuff, unsorted boxes, things they want to keep.

My mom uses a walker now & I know she's going to trip over something.
(Quarantine doesn't allow us to enter their facility.)
But I'm heartily agreeing with the PPs, you just have to let them live in their hoarded clutter.

[KungFuPanda]

Is your mom an actual hoarder with paths and mess and a complete inability to throw away trash like empty peanut butter jars? Or is she just too cluttered and disorganized for your taste and you feel her house is so child unfriendly it’s stress for you to take the kids there? One could be serious ocd hoarder issues and one can be more annoying and possibly ADD stuff. Either way, if she won’t get rid of stuff or clean up, what are the odds she’ll be able to get a house ready to list and actually move? 
 

It stinks that your an only child and are doing this alone, but if your parents are both still playing with a full deck I’m not sure you CAN interfere in their housing situation or their marriage. Can you imagine your kids chiming in and telling you that you’re doing either wrong?

Maybe just start with a conversation. “So many people my age are caught off guard because their parents have given no thought to likely aging scenarios. I want to know your thoughts . . .” I think it’s also healthy to firmly state “I will never sort through all this stuff. It’s too overwhelming and I will just throw it all away.” They might be motivated to do their own sorting/paring to avoid that.