Another Christmas question: the family photographer

[Innisfree]

If an uncle (dh's brother) predictably.wanted to take candid photos at holidays, but your teenaged kids had repeatedly told you it made them uncomfortable, would you tell them to put up with it or ask him to stop?

The uncle sees the kids two or three times a year. He's never tried to really interact with them other than brief chatting on those occasions: "what grade are you in now?" , etc. That's fine, but they don't have the sort of close relationship where he would realize they don't like the photography or where they would feel comfortable asking him to stop. 

Actually, no one likes the photography, but if we object, he says we'll be glad to have the pictures one day, and he wants them to show cousins who can't be at the gathering. Well, most of us have no relationship with these cousins, and don't really want pictures exhibited. I do understand the value of family photos. Somehow this just feels so awkward and unwelcome. He tends to swoop in for closeups of faces.

Dh prefers that we just accept it gracefully. I'm not feeling so graceful. Would you ask Uncle to back off, or let him take pictures?

[hornblower]

I'd ask him to back off. 

[katilac]

Hmm, that's difficult. 

If he doesn't post them on social media, I'd probably be inclined to accept it. It's really hard to prevent someone from taking pictures. If certain things bother your teens more than others, like maybe the closeups, maybe you could brainstorm some ways to ask him not to do that. It's a good age to practice sticking up for themselves. Should he be obnoxious about their polite requests, I'd give them permission to avoid him, turn away, and so on. 

[Lucy the Valiant]

Is there any chance for a blunt-but-kind brief discussion? 
"Uncle Tom, we've never really dragged this out, but the pictures are kind of driving us nuts and making us awkward for the holiday. Any way you could take a few and then put that camera away for the day? We know you don't want the kids to feel weird, but the photos are just a bit much." 

[HS Mom in NC]

I agree that you have to spell it out for that kind of person.  If at his age, he hasn't figured out that most people aren't going to be glad for those pictures in the future and that the cousins probably don't actually give a rip about seeing them, you can't rely on him to read cues.  "The picture taking is bothering people, so please take few at the beginning of the event, and then put it away so everyone can enjoy their Christmas celebration." Or you can set up a pic spot with a cute Christmas background and cute Christmassy props (Santa/elf hats, candy canes, small scale wrapping paper background, reindeer antlers, Christmas light necklaces, etc.) and designate him as the photographer with clear instructions beforehand that that's where the cameras are welcome, everywhere else is a no pic zone.  Only people who want a pic can go up and have him take the pic. After that someone has to be the person to make sure he respects people's wishes. He's not allowed to nag or cajole people into the pic spot.

It seems this topic has been broached with him in the past and he didn't respond appropriately by backing off.  If you're not going to follow through and insist he stop then you probably shouldn't bring it up at all. Nothing validates the boundary stomper like people establishing a boundary and then doing nothing when the boundary stomper over steps it. This is like parenting a child.  What are you willing to do when your child doesn't respect your no? Decide before you ever set up the boundary and be prepared to follow through.

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, Innisfree said:

If an uncle (dh's brother) predictably.wanted to take candid photos at holidays, but your teenaged kids had repeatedly told you it made them uncomfortable, would you tell them to put up with it or ask him to stop?

If the teen does not want to be photographed, I would expect family to respect that. My DS went through a phase when he absolutely refused to be in pictures. I would ask the kids if they would agree to one family picture; if that can be negotiated, I'd tell uncle that he may take exactly one family pic, but no candid shots. Taking pictures against the subject's expressed wish is disrespectful.

 

[Faith-manor]

My husband's uncle was like this. He was so nuts with his camera that he'd follow people around just constantly snapping photos. It felt like stalking. We hated it. Finally, dh told him that he could snap exactly ONE posed photo of our family around the tree and that would be it. He told him if he didn't abide by our wishes, he'd yank the camera out of his hands and pop the film out. (Back in the day. Now I suppose one would have to threaten to take the Sim card.) It was not a comfortable conversation, but the kids were getting upset because that camera was constantly hovering around them, sometimes in their faces. It was like having personal paparazzi.

I doubt you need to be that forthright, but since many people do not respect teens enough to back off when they ask, you'll probably have to go be firm with him and kind of make a big deal of it if you catch him not respecting them. I do think it would help if you gave him the option to get a posed shot with an admonishment that it better never show up on social media.

[MEmama]

Having grown up subjected to having my photo taken against my will, I'm firmly on the side of telling uncle to knock it off. I'd give my kids my full support in refusing to put up with it. I fully agree with Regenetude that forcing one to have their picture taken is disrespectful.

[Moonhawk]

I tend to be on the no pictures side.

In the interest of family harmony: Maybe a compromise of candid shots for the first 15 minutes after dinner but when it's time for dessert it needs to go away, or something like that? And you can say no candid shots of teenager (I think that's a firm line no matter the final decision on pictures as a whole). If he forgets, then the camera has to go away immediately. If you think he'd respect that, I'd try that way first. 

[DesertBlossom]

My FIL does this and it drives me nuts. Probably because I think a lot of candid photos look awkward (unless you're actually a photographer) and I don't want a bunch of awkward photos of me out there. 

I get up and walk away when the camera is out, which has mostly gotten the point across.

Edited December 23, 2018 by DesertBlossom

[JustEm]

The immature side of me would tell my teens that they are more than welcome to just continually hold the middle finger up so as to ruin all the pictures.  But that is the immature side of me.  The mature side of me would stick up for my kids and either tell them, in front of uncle, that they do not need to be in any pictures they don't want to be in, or I'd tell uncle to stop taking picture of them.  If he didn't listen I might become immature and threaten to dump water on his camera/phone (or at least I'd like to.)

[Shoeless]

Tell uncle to knock it off.  Be prepared with a plan for when uncle "forgets" and takes a bazillion pictures anyway. 

[Tanaqui]

Uncle Fergus, don't take any pictures of my kids this year. They don't like that.

"But they'll be glad when they're older!"

They don't think so. They don't want any pictures. Don't take them.

"But distant cousins!"

They don't care. Don't take pictures of my kids.

"But but but..."

Don't take pictures of my kids. (This is where you walk away.)

If (when, really) he tries to take a picture of your child you are well within your rights, at this point, to yell and to Make a Scene.

Fergus! I told you, my kids DO NOT WANT PICTURES. What is wrong with you? Why are you being so weird about this? Stop bothering my children and LEAVE THEM ALONE. Some of us would like to enjoy Christmas this year, and my family can't do that with you pestering them!

If he does it again, make your apologies to the host and hostess and leave. "If Uncle Fergus refuses to follow our simple, clearly-expressed wishes then we cannot spend the rest of the holiday here. I'm so sorry. I'll call you later, maybe we can meet up in the new year." There is a very good chance that this is the one and only time you'll have to actually leave.

(On the subject of fit throwing, I'd like to recommend Saki's short story Shock Tactics. The protagonist's friend suggests that in order to dissuade his mother to stop opening his letters he ought to start flinging himself across the table at mealtimes, kicking his feet and hands against the table, or else rousing the entire family at midnight to hear his complaints! Desperate times, as they say....)

Edited December 24, 2018 by Tanaqui

[Tanaqui]

Oh, one note - because these are kids, it's possible some relative might make a fuss that the kids are "calling the shots" or some other nonsense. If so, simply say "You're right. None of us likes having Fergus in our face taking photos. We want him to stop doing it to EVERYBODY, and I'll tell him next time he tries to take one of me."

[Pippen]

Because nothing makes us happier than looking back and seeing dozens of pictures from our most awkward stage in life.

[Innisfree]

Okay, thanks, all. I'll tell dh we need to back the kids up and stop the photos.