Bluegoat Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 41 minutes ago, SamanthaCarter said: They might not have had the money to shower thier kids with gifts and now they do. If that’s the case, no they didn’t really have the chance. What I don’t get is the refusal to gift experiences because it’s not tangible. My kids get far less in that arena than my dh and I did, in part because the military (our growing up culture) heavily subsidized soccer, gymnastics, equestrian, ballet, etc. DH and I also had travel because of the numerous relocations. 😂 Yeah, honestly the things I struggle to provide are music lessons, sports, and such. Anything involving paying people that live here, as opposed to people in China or Bangladesh, tends to be expensive. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonflower Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 spot on, bluegoat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 1 hour ago, moonflower said: I think the idea, Catwoman, is that it doesn't bring great joy to everyone (and, on a more societal level, there are costs associated with excess consumption - moral and environmental and etc.) 3 minutes ago, Bluegoat said: Because of the effects of consumerism? Not least the environmental impact. Sorry, still not feeling guilty. 🙂 I also do not see this as a moral issue. We aren't going to agree on this. I’m fine with people doing things differently than I do, and I hope that others will grant me the same courtesy. 🙂 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebcoola Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 I think the holidays can be enjoyed in many ways and their is not anything inherently wrong with piles or presents or better about activities only. The issue I think is about listening, communicating and putting others needs above your own. This MIL was here at Thanksgiving and asked DD's what they wanted for Christmas both had one $$$ thing they really want. MIL told them no thats not in the budget girls than mentioned some smaller things they would like to. Than MIL grills me for clothes sizes, shoes sizes, and authors they like. Next thing you know the Amazon boxes start coming in and each girl has dozens of gifts some asked for some from MIL that easily add up to more than the one thing they actually wanted. On top of that she will expect them to cherish each and every one of these things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 55 minutes ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said: I don't think anyone is trying to make you feel guilty Cat, and I think if you're all on the same page, it's great. The problem seems to come in when the Grandparents and the Adult children, who are the current parents of children aren't in the same book, much less page. In that case, it's odd to me when Grandparents don't acquiesce to parents' wishes. They had their chance and raised their kids, so to me I cannot even imagine being as presumptive as my parents and in-laws have been on gifts and overstepping. It's totally a boundary thing, but the grandkids are who end up in the middle of the pissing contest and that's why I've struggled and why my heart goes out to the other's who struggle with similar issues with parents and family. It's more a respect and control issue than a gifting issue. I absolutely agree that grandparents should honor the parents’ wishes! If they want their grandchildren to have tons of extra things, they should consider setting up their own house as Toyland and having the grandkids visit often. It’s not fair to give the grandchildren lots of gifts when there is no room in the kids’ house to store all of those things, and that seems to be the case in many of the threads I read on this forum. It’s not really that the parents don’t want their kids to have the gifts; they just don’t have room in the house for them! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonflower Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 i don't have a 7 bedroom house for the same reason that I wouldn't want enough things to fill a 7 bedroom house; I think it's excessive. It is not that we don't have room for things or that we couldn't afford a bigger space with more room for things. It's that we don't want to own that many things. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 (edited) 6 minutes ago, moonflower said: i don't have a 7 bedroom house for the same reason that I wouldn't want enough things to fill a 7 bedroom house; I think it's excessive. It is not that we don't have room for things or that we couldn't afford a bigger space with more room for things. It's that we don't want to own that many things. Yeah, I just don't want my kids to be accustomed to the idea that they should have or need that much stuff. Or maybe more than that - even if they know they don't need it, to gain a sense of satisfaction from it despite that. Because it is hard to break away from that habit even if you understand all the consequences. Edited December 22, 2018 by Bluegoat 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 9 minutes ago, moonflower said: i don't have a 7 bedroom house for the same reason that I wouldn't want enough things to fill a 7 bedroom house; I think it's excessive. It is not that we don't have room for things or that we couldn't afford a bigger space with more room for things. It's that we don't want to own that many things. Then why are you letting the people with the carloads.of toys bring them in your house? I think I am missing something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moncha Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 I don't really know about the gifts. But my family always opened gifts on Christmas Eve (Swedish tradition) and then Christmas day we would always go somewhere outside. Depending on where we lived at the time it could have been a hike, snowshoeing, cross country skiing, beach, canoeing, etc. One year we went to Yellowstone and went cross country skiing the week before they opened up to snowmobiles - and that was our gift. I remember getting a locket that they had packed in our luggage and my brother's also got something very small (my family scrimped to make this trip - brought all but one meal a day with us). Our decorating was hanging candy canes around the hotel room. - still a wonderful memory. We are getting a lot for our son this year. When we were first married we swore we wouldn't do this 🤷♀️ Looking ahead though our finances are probably not going to be as good in the coming years so we're getting him some things that will last several years (a bike for example). Our extended family doesn't go crazy though... we have limited our giving to them so they have reciprocated... usually between $20 - $40 per person and they are pretty good about sticking to wish lists (we keep them on amazon.com) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonflower Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 I'm not the OP. I was just responding to the idea that it was only bad to gift too many things if the parents were opposed because they didn't have enough space (instead of just not wanting to have lots of things, even if they have the space) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 2 minutes ago, moonflower said: I'm not the OP. I was just responding to the idea that it was only bad to gift too many things if the parents were opposed because they didn't have enough space (instead of just not wanting to have lots of things, even if they have the space) Oh, sorry. I saw the M in the avatar space and thought you were mommyoffive. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SamanthaCarter Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 1 hour ago, rebcoola said: I think the holidays can be enjoyed in many ways and their is not anything inherently wrong with piles or presents or better about activities only. The issue I think is about listening, communicating and putting others needs above your own. This MIL was here at Thanksgiving and asked DD's what they wanted for Christmas both had one $$$ thing they really want. MIL told them no thats not in the budget girls than mentioned some smaller things they would like to. Than MIL grills me for clothes sizes, shoes sizes, and authors they like. Next thing you know the Amazon boxes start coming in and each girl has dozens of gifts some asked for some from MIL that easily add up to more than the one thing they actually wanted. On top of that she will expect them to cherish each and every one of these things. Yes! These MILs want quantity. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonflower Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 I need a new avatar! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 7 minutes ago, moonflower said: I need a new avatar! Plus your color is just a few shades different than mommy's... Yeah, it's the M in the mustardy tan that had me confused! LOL 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frances Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 (edited) On 12/21/2018 at 4:36 PM, moonflower said: i don't have a 7 bedroom house for the same reason that I wouldn't want enough things to fill a 7 bedroom house; I think it's excessive. It is not that we don't have room for things or that we couldn't afford a bigger space with more room for things. It's that we don't want to own that many things. Now experiences for gifts, those were always great. Tickets to a play or musical, for example, were a huge treat. Edited March 8, 2019 by Frances 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2scouts Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 We don't have relatives that buy for our children, so we have to buy all the gifts for our children. Our kids get very little during the year so we make Christmas more exciting by buying lots of needs and a few wants. They get socks, underwear, pajamas, new clothing, favorite candy, movie tickets (a rare treat), gear for extracurricular activities (Scout clothing or gear, dance tights, leos), school supplies on Christmas. Could you let the relatives get the fun stuff and then just fill in with things you probably would have purchased for them anyway? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 (edited) This would be my plan: I would keep harping at the parents that you want to get the kids experiences. Harp harp harp. Maybe in a couple of years they'll finally do it. If (when) they say, "No. We want to get them things," I'd say, "I am so hurt that you continue to disrespect me in this way after so many years of me asking you politely. You know we don't have the space and you guys laugh about it. That hurts. I'm upset right now. I need to hang up (or be alone for a few minutes) now." And hang up or leave the room for a few minutes. Because it's true. It hurts you and it's time you just told them (if you haven't already.) I'd clear out everything from years' past except for whatever items the kids adore. If this makes the kids miserable, then (if you have the room), box everything up, label the boxes, and tell them that it's not leaving the house, but it's going to live in storage for a while. If they really really want the stuff in storage, they can always get it from the box. When I did this with my kids, they pretty quickly forgot about the stuff in the attic. I let it sit there forever (some is still there) because they felt comforted to know it was there, but it was out of the way. If you can't box it up, then start working on the kids. Start showing them what they barely play with and talk about how there is probably another kid out there who would be able to use/love it. After a while, they'll probably be ok with giving stuff away. DO NOT open any packaging on Christmas day. Talk to the kids ahead of time about returning things they don't love. Make a plan with the family on what to spend the returned money on. They're more likely to want to return a so-so gift if there's a fun plan of what to do with the money. Edited December 22, 2018 by Garga 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TX Native Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 (edited) . Edited January 20, 2019 by TX Native 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 2 hours ago, moonflower said: i don't have a 7 bedroom house for the same reason that I wouldn't want enough things to fill a 7 bedroom house; I think it's excessive. It is not that we don't have room for things or that we couldn't afford a bigger space with more room for things. It's that we don't want to own that many things. It’s absolutely fine that you don’t value a large home and that you don’t want lots of things. You can absolutely define “excessive” for yourself and your family, but other people want and value different things. As long as you’re happy and they are happy, I don’t see a problem. Personally, I am friends with all kinds of people and I don’t care whether they meet any particular standard of frugal or excessive, as long as they are nice people. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommyoffive Posted December 22, 2018 Author Share Posted December 22, 2018 (edited) 4 hours ago, unsinkable said: It almost seems farcical...you are receiving carloads of gifts that you take away by the carload... I'd stop the carloads of toys from entering the house. I am actually stunned that no one has sounded the WTM signature cry of "BOUNDARIES!" If this was happening to me, I'd be upset that other people is are taking actions that are making me reconsider how I spend the holidays with my own children. With all that being said...I don't think I'd change how I do Christmas on Dec 21. Few small presents and giving to others are great things but I think that should be kids' expectations long before today. I know it. I am so upset by it. Not the act itself which I guess is based in that they care about the kids. It is about me talking to them for years and asking for things to change and they dont. So yes I do know that this is an issue and I have played it out and know if I do anything more than the suggesting of changing it a bit, would lead to a big problem. There already is enough drama with the extended family. So I sort of let it go, because I know that outcome. Edited December 22, 2018 by mommyoffive Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 5 hours ago, mommyoffive said: I know it really isn't an family tradition. My grandma never did that for her kids. They had presents but not in excess. It started when these baby boomers in my family were parents. We had huge Christmas 3 times over. Meaning a huge one before Christmas, a huge Christmas morning from Santa, and then a huge one with extended family. It was sort of fun i guess for us kids when we were young. My mom who was one of the ones who did, she hated it. The stress of it all. The shopping, wrapping, the money. I love Christmas too. It is my favorite holiday. But the presents are not my favorite part. IT is all the things we do at that time of year that I love. That is great you hope to continue it down the line. I hope that my kids do not continue large present giving Christmas events. I hope they keep it simple with a few thoughtful gifts and enjoy spending time together. I think it’s absolutely fine that you want to change the focus of your family Christmas away from gifts and create new family traditions! I only objected to your OP because it sounded like you wanted to do it suddenly, very close to Christmas, and I thought a big and sudden change might be very upsetting to your children. If the kids were already on board with the change and you had already spent a lot of time talking about it as a family and making other fun Christmas plans, I would have been entirely in favor of it. I truly don’t expect everyone to give lots of gifts on Christmas — I was just worried that if your kids are used to getting up on Christmas morning and seeing presents under the tree, they might be very disappointed if everything was different this year. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plagefille Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 We do presents here, but we like to be creative. This year my DDs and I created an escape room for my DH and DS. We used stuff from around the house. The present under the tree is the letter that gets them started on their adventure. We had a great time working on it and I am super excited for the boys to do it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.