saw Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 Long story short, I work three days a week at a fairly demanding job. I have to check in on my days off as well. I'm a single parent and xdh has not regularly scheduled times to see the kids, so he sees them when he feels like it, perhaps once every few months. I started homeschooling DS12 this fall after removing him from school. The school was so abusive I filed a complaint with social services. I have three older DCs, two at university and one in his final year of boarding school who is in the middle of college applications but is receiving little support from the school. It's a bit rough all round because of job issues, kid issues, money issues, where to move issues, etc. I homeschooled my eldest two and that went great. I wasn't working at the time and had enough time for them. Right now I have to work and am trying to juggle DS12 (who is not exactly a compliant or easy child, but is very bright) and everything else. He has a babysitter three times a week when I'm at work, but the sitter doesn't help with his work or do much other than ask if he's done it. I'm happy with the curriculum we've chosen and DS seems quite happy with it too. The issue is that when I come home from work, quite often DS simply hasn't done the work he's meant to do. He's done some, then told the sitter he's done it, and they 've gone to the park. He has a list of instructions, right down to "now take the piece of paper, write the date, write your math, and then put this piece of paper into the math binder" level of detail. It's quite frustrating, especially when I get home at 7, get dinner for us, get back to whatever work I need to finish from the day, check up on DS17 and his college applications etc and find out that DS12 hasn't actually done the work or has done it so sloppily that it may as well not be done. A fulltime online school isn't really an option as we are outside the US and the timing doesn't work usually. I think I need to be checking in with him more during the day and getting updates from him, maybe by Facetime or something. Any tips? He has restricted access to screens because he has a tendency to abuse the privilege of screen access. Are there any programs or apps or anything that would let me check in with him? Has anyone done anything that has worked? I can't be checking in with him every half hour because I need to work at my job, but I can try to work something out. It's not that I'm trying to get him to do the work without help from me. I need to figure out how he can be on his own for three days a week and get enough schoolwork done that we have free time at the weekend. I'm going to change babysitters because the current one is simply ignoring him (taking naps! won't even help him get his lunch or play games with him or anything). Suggestions are welcome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 Is there any way you can make the sitter be more helpful? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HomeAgain Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 He needs someone to be held accountable to. If it's not you, and it's not the sitter, it has to be someone else. Either fire the sitter and get someone new, or consider an online school that offers flexibility. My oldest did TTUISD, where the kids work through and turn in work for each module to a teacher who grades it. It's not a live class, but it had someone other than mom saying, yes, these are the standards and you need to meet them. I will say this: age 12 was one of the hardest years here. I cried while trying to help my kid because it seemed like nothing was moving him. It took a lot of being on top of him and guiding him through baby steps to get him to assume responsibility and pride in his work. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaInTexas Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 You could require that he work on each subject for a specific amount of time. This way rushing through has no benefit. I also think that the sitter has to have a role in this. She can: - make sure he works for the allotted amount of time - check his work for neatness / readability Since you are paying a sitter, you should not have to check in from work. She fills in for you (in some capacity), that is what she is paid for. If this sitter can't do this you may need to find another. I would consider finding a sitter that can help with the work in some capacity -- not a tutor, but someone who is able to guide him here and there through some of his schooling. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMCme Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 Not with a 12 year old, but I work 2.5 days per week at a pretty demanding job, and for me the big shift was realizing that the days I'm at work are not going to work as homeschool days. After a lot of stress and frankly a little bit of anger at the person who in my mind was "supposed to" be doing school on those days, we just don't try to do school on the days I'm at work. Is there a way you can do school in the 4 days you are home? And if he misses fun things due to having to do school on what is a day off for the majority of the world, it might be a good time to point out that he can do his work while you are at work, and be able to play soccer on Saturday with the rest of the world, you know? BTW, the sitter thing is difficult. It sucks to be paying someone to hang out with your 12 year old who just isn't doing the work to check up. On the other hand, I'm not sure changing sitters will help. It is really hard to find a good sitter, much less sitter-tutor. Hope you figure out something to restore peace in your home... sounds like a lot on your plate. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moonhawk Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 When I was working and homeschooling, we made it so that the "heavy" homeschool days were the days I were home, including the "weekend". So, Friday, Saturday, Sunday I did full days with them, then Monday-Thursday I did a slightly different schedule (depending on my work hours). You may have more push against this with a kid that is accustomed to having weekends off, esp if he has friends he wants to see those days, but this may be something to consider. The time he's home without you maybe only have him work on his favorite subjects where he has more personal motivation. I agree with others that asking the sitter to at least check for completion/legibility shouldn't be too much. But the taking naps, not helping with lunch, etc, it sounds like this may not be the person to make that work with. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tessamae Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 I also work three demanding shifts per week. Honestly, I have discovered that school usually doesn’t get done if I am not home. My husband and I are trying a few new things this year but we haven’t seen how it will go yet. I will say, the kids have discovered that if they do some of their independent work on my work days or when I am sleeping (I work nights), then we have more time for fun. My son with learning challenges is still struggling with this but it is getting better! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monica_in_Switzerland Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 I am agreeing with the others. When you advertise for the sitter, make sure that a word like nanny or tutor is part of the job description. I would give the babysitter certain subjects: art, science projects, read alouds, enforcing silent reading times, audiobooks, etc, that don't require teaching necessarily, but supervision. I think to a lot of people, babysitter implies someone who manages to keep the kid alive for the duration of the shift. Whereas a nanny or tutor implies a lot more interaction. I have had babysitters- just normal, standard sitters (to whom I always say, "It's ok if they just want to watch movies all day" because I just don't use sitters that often) who have helped my kids create fantastic art projects, brought books to share, done cooking projects and cleaned up from that, etc. You just have managed to get a dud of a babysitter. I also agree that the concept of a weekend will have to change. If you do math, writing, language arts on each of the four days you have off, that will be about a half day of school work, and you can use review exercises for the three days with the sitter. The sitter, meanwhile, can cover content topics that are mostly just reading based. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 (edited) I am lucky that I can do a lot of my work at home and I take ds9 with me for the two mornings I work. But on those mornings and the day he spends at the neighbours I only expect reading and maybe a science video. I would just do school on the 4 days you are at home. If he complains he knows how what to do to have the weekends off. I can't do that as I have a kid at school as well. On my half days we do essentials in the afternoon and my full day we have off. Edited September 22, 2018 by kiwik 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madteaparty Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 I think we have the same job, and I just went back full time ? We outsourced everything but the issue that I didn’t realize is that my DS is still very dependent on me not for the teaching but for the studying bit. He has an exam in French and basically I need to sit and study with him. It’s almost like I never taught him how to study? So when I say “study” I mean one thing and he thinks something else. Time management wise, we use the confetti bits, at dinner. In the morning, 10 min here 30 min there also in between things when I work from home. But like when you say he simply hasn’t done the work, in our case this happens too, it’s a terminology issue. I told him to study, meaning “‘memorize” the DOMs and the TOMs (or whatever the acronym) french territories, he thinks by study, I mean “read over”. He got a B- in what was a simple, factual quizz. Now I break it down for him in terms of specific tasks... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madteaparty Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 (edited) Oh I know. Have him or the sitter scan and email you his work before they head out. You can glance it over, mark it up (apparently you can do this in pdf now), and send it back. also, a conversation with the sitter is in order. I know she can’t help but if you’re babysitting a 12 year old some assistance with these (I guess they’re called) executive skills is part of the job...we are also doing a lot of work on the weekends, thankfully we don’t have a sports schedule that interferes...so maybe flip the week to where most of the work is done on the 4 days you are home, and the very specific tasks done when you’re not there (listen to this podcast, read these pages, vocab unit with quiz at the end, etc). Edited September 22, 2018 by madteaparty 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 Are there any co ops or hybrid school where he could take classes during the day? What about martial arts classes or art classes? Spanish Homeschool Academy is a great option. I know those math tutoring places open around 2:00. Even a live online class would give him some structure to his day. Find him something else to do in the day so he is more busy. I find when my kids have 8 hours to do something, they do not do it. If they have two hours, it gets done faster. Look for a sitter that was a former teacher, maybe an older lady this time. If you can't find a sitter who will tutor or supervise homework, find one that will start dinner, do laundry, and clean house so it frees up your time. A 12 year-old will need a great deal of supervision and oversight, you will have to rely on online components to give you this. Can you set alarms at your house (I know Alexa can do this) to remind him of what to do and when. There are some ways for you to control what your child does online so he does not abuse the computer time (and this is so typical!), you can mirror his screen to your work computer so you can see what he is doing.... (I don't know how to do this, but my dh does it to access the home computer all the time) or you can use Google Hangouts and just have a small window on your work computer where he shares his screen so you can quickly monitor that he is actually on the homework site and not Fortnite. Good luck! (I work two days from home and made sure kids took classes on those two days so they had structure while I was away) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 I would say a sitter is not usually responsible for school work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madteaparty Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 1 hour ago, kiwik said: I would say a sitter is not usually responsible for school work. Sure, she probably needs another sitter/tutor if the conversation wasn’t had. My kids’ former nanny was amazing though so probably that skews my view....helped with afterschooling, piano practice etc But I’m curious what a sitter for a 12 year old is responsible for. I mean they can stay home alone. Not set the house on fire I guess... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Around here, when people advertise for an afterschool sitter, they expect help with schoolwork, studying, and driving to activities. Seems pretty standard. I also agree, what do you need a sitter for a 12 year old if they aren't even helping with schoolwork? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairProspects Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 We went through something similar although with less frequent hours last year. The difficulty I found was that if I wanted someone to tutor/teach in addition to sit and child mind, that would be $$ and not at all cost effective. I agree with the suggestions of making the other 4 days school heavy and essentially considering the 3 days you work as off days except for maybe reading or something the sitter can easily observe. Otherwise you could consider advertising for a nanny/tutor but I think you will be paying double for that service (you would be locally anyway). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaInTexas Posted September 24, 2018 Share Posted September 24, 2018 From the posts, it looks like one requirement for making this work is a student that can work independently. I was in this situation for our first year of homeschooling. But we had no problem with them completing their work bc they could and would work independently. So perhaps (if this hasn't occurred) a heart-to-heart with your son. Tell him what you need from him and why it is important that he gets his work done. Give him sme say so on what he learns and how he learns it. Make him feel a part of the decision process. IME, this works wonders in changing/setting behaviors, but every family is different. If the student is not ready to work independently, then you have to have a sitter that will be more involved - at least checking for completion. This is not unreasonable for sitting with a 12yo. If you want her to actually teach, that would cost more. But I would - under no circumstances - be paying for a sitter for my 12yo and then have to spend my entire off days teaching. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milknhoney Posted September 24, 2018 Share Posted September 24, 2018 I work part time four days a week - one full day, and three half days (total 20 hrs/wk). On the long day, both kids have a list of things to do independently. I had to get creative with dd9 but ds13 is able to do most subjects on his own (and was at 12 as well!). Their dad is home with them while I work, but he is not terribly involved with their schooling. He'll help dd with math homework when she asks; ds rarely asks for help. So dh just takes their word for it on whether they have actually done everything I told them to, and I am the one that has to follow up with them to make sure it all actually happened. Most of the time it does happen, but many times I have certainly had to give the kids a very stern lecture that homeschooling can't work if I can't trust them to do things on their own. How motivated is your ds to homeschool? Possibly he needs that heart to heart lecture that he'll have to go to B & M school if you can't trust him to do his work. I agree with RenaInTexas. Absolutely I would not want to use all of my days off to homeschool. I am overwhelmed as it is! If I had to do school on Sat/Sun that would be a deal breaker for me. I think your ds needs some negative consequences for not doing what you've asked him to do. If B&M school is not an option, then removal of privileges. If you can't trust the sitter to ensure work is actually done before fun activities happen, then the consequence falls to the next day... work didn't happen today, so tomorrow you don't get to watch any movies (or fill in the blank on whatever fun thing he enjoys when work is done). Sloppy work must be redone - more work for the next day. (How often have I also given the lecture that it is less work to do a good job in the first place?) This is the first year I have started keeping track of grades for ds (he is now in high school). Just yesterday I went into my Excel spreadsheets for each subject and added in formulas so that he can always see what his average is for each course. Hoping he'll realize that if he never goes back and redoes the work I asked him to, he'll not have an A average for the class. And that it will motive him without me having to remember to keep nagging. I agree that you also need to make sure the sitter is someone you can at least trust to eyeball the checklist and corresponding completed assignment before moving on to fun activities. I wouldn't necessarily expect that person to actually check answers, help with the work or get any more involved unless it was someone that you trusted as capable, and were paying them accordingly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lori D. Posted September 25, 2018 Share Posted September 25, 2018 On 9/23/2018 at 4:56 AM, madteaparty said: But I’m curious what a sitter for a 12 year old is responsible for. I mean they can stay home alone. Not set the house on fire I guess... On 9/23/2018 at 7:33 AM, Where's Toto? said: I also agree, what do you need a sitter for a 12 year old if they aren't even helping with schoolwork? If OP lives in the state of Illinois, legally a child cannot stay home alone under the age of 14, so OP may be legally required to have a sitter. (The other 2 states with legal age minimums are Oregon (age 10), and Maryland (age 8 )-- see this U.S. Child Welfare pamphlet.) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madteaparty Posted September 25, 2018 Share Posted September 25, 2018 12 hours ago, Lori D. said: If OP lives in the state of Illinois, legally a child cannot stay home alone under the age of 14, so OP may be legally required to have a sitter. (The other 2 states with legal age minimums are Oregon (age 10), and Maryland (age 8 )-- see this U.S. Child Welfare pamphlet.) The OP is overseas where IME kids can and are left alone (they also get themselves around on public transport) at that age. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted September 26, 2018 Share Posted September 26, 2018 On 9/23/2018 at 11:56 PM, madteaparty said: Sure, she probably needs another sitter/tutor if the conversation wasn’t had. My kids’ former nanny was amazing though so probably that skews my view....helped with afterschooling, piano practice etc But I’m curious what a sitter for a 12 year old is responsible for. I mean they can stay home alone. Not set the house on fire I guess... Here they can't stay home alone. I think taking to activities etc would probably work but mostly meeting the legal requirement that "kids under 14 must have reasonable supervision". Ds9 goes to the sitters house. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted September 26, 2018 Share Posted September 26, 2018 (edited) On 9/23/2018 at 9:33 AM, Where's Toto? said: Around here, when people advertise for an afterschool sitter, they expect help with schoolwork, studying, and driving to activities. Seems pretty standard. I also agree, what do you need a sitter for a 12 year old if they aren't even helping with schoolwork? I'm going through this with a 11 year old and school holidays. I'm thinking of getting a sitter for part of the day to give him companionship and the ability to go more places out of the house. I'm not comfortable with him being home alone for 8 hours a day. But a half day alone and a half day with someone to keep him out of mischief... (the homeschooled teenager across the street is who we are planning on asking. We've been impressed with his level of responsibility in other ways and it'd be good for our son to hang out with an older boy for a bit -- and I know he wants to do parkour with our son so they could walk to the park together and do that.) Edited September 26, 2018 by vonfirmath Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted September 26, 2018 Share Posted September 26, 2018 I’d suggest having sitter days involve getting in PE hours, reading time (trying to find books that he likes enough that he will want to read them) trips to activities, co-op, museum... if any are available that sitter can transport him to, and them working together on home chores, possibly grocery shopping as a life skill, etc. Plus if he is inner motivated - driven to learn anything on his own let that be on sitter days On 3 non sitter days do writing and math, and any other absolutely required by law subject for his grade level, intensively under your eagle eye direction. On 1 non sitter day give your self a break If he got done what he needed to on the other 3 days he gets a break too If not, missing material is homework. Maybe if money not too tight for this, pay a sitter and your son to have dinner ready, which would ease your evenings such that maybe one hour on each of your 3 work days could be used on math or similar subject 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted September 26, 2018 Share Posted September 26, 2018 Might an energetic “au pair” be better than a “babysitter “? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted September 26, 2018 Share Posted September 26, 2018 (edited) IGotThis app for kids with adhd has looked interesting and might possibly help you, but I don’t have personal experience. If you try it would you report on if it helps? It offers 2 week free trial. http://IGotThis.com Edited September 26, 2018 by Pen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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