jewellsmommy Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 It would be nice if some could chime in here and legitimately tell me that I'm not a monster. Of course if you do think I'm wrong, you can post too...but I'm hoping you'll be outnumbered! ? I have another post about my dd's 16th birthday party and her rocks (in case I seem familiar) so, still referencing the same party. We don't do friend/social parties every year, but this is a milestone year. Her birthday is midweek this week and the party is Friday night. Her main present, aside from the party, is that we are driving about 3.5 hrs (7 hrs total on Thursday) to pick up her friend from another part of the state and bring her back here to stay until Sunday. The party will consist of about 14 teens, a chocolate fountain with all sorts of dippables, queso (i have to learn how to make it!), pizza, and fresh fruit/veggies..oh and cake. We are decorating in a smiley face theme. They will play all sorts of games, listen to music, etc. The reason we are getting friend Thurs, is because that day is supposed to be my flexible nephew-sitting day. My sil usually has that day off, but I have been watching my nephew 5 days a week anyways because she's pregnant and just for whatever reason. I told her that I made other arrangements for nephew on thurs because we have to leave at noon to get friend. This led to questions about other plans. First...I had to tell Sil that I can't attend the new baby's shower (this Sat). She thought my brother had told me of the shower. He didn't. I did find out about it recently, though, because I said something to my mom wondering if shes having one. Again, I see brother and sil 5 days a week! And they know that dd is having a milestone birthday this week. So, I figured that they weren't too worried about whether dh, dd, and I attended because they chose this date and never said a word to us. SHe knew I already had a present for the baby. I got him some things months ago. Plus, it would cost about 50 bucks for us to attend between food, tax, and tip and June/july are tight months for us...We have dd's b-day, dh's b-day, nephew's b-day, and our anniversary! Anyway, the reason I told her No is because part of dd's b-day present is hosting her friend, and we had planned to take them to the waterpark on Sat. As part of our pass program, we get a free ticket which dd's friend will use. So this is free for us to do. We are returning the friend on Sunday afternoon, therefore Sat is the only option for the waterpark. This was planned pre-knowledge of the baby shower. 3 yrs ago I went to nephews shower and made the 75 cupcakes for the event,but I assured sil that new baby boy will be just as loved; especially since I will also be watching him after he's born! Second... There will be a family dinner/party where we will recognize both dh and dd's b-day at my mom's house with cake next week. But Sil asked about her and my brother coming by the teen party on friday, and I said that with balloons, decorations, and a chocolate fountain etc that I thought it would be a set-up for disaster with my almost 3 yr old nephew. Nephew is a good toddler, but we won't be set-up for toddler type play. Dd is making balloon sculptures that will look fun to play with but are for decoration, kwim? Yes, we could hand him a regular balloon but there is that very tempting choc. fountain that the "big" kids will be using. I would be happy to give him choc covered fruit but I'm not going to let him do the dipping for safety (pointy skewers) and sanitary reasons. Nephew rarely throws tantrums with me or my mom, but within 2 min of my brother walking through the door he manages to find something to have a tantrum over. He is that typical kid who acts very different for mom and dad. I just don't think that dd's party is the atmosphere for him. Dd is home with me (and therefore him) 10+ hrs a day X 5 days a week (at minimum 4 days). It's not against him. He's a good kid. I just don't want to be in aunt/sitter mode (because sil is very pregnant and this just tends to fall on me even in "off" hours), I don't want to hear my darling brother try to talk a screaming 3 yr old out of having a tantrum, and I don't want to police the fountain, decorations and monitor him trying to follow the invitees. So there it all is...in the span of 10 min I had to tell Sil that I can't attend the shower AND that they should forgo the Friday night party and wait for the family only event. Sigh. I feel like a monster. Can anyone tell me they would /have made similar choices. Dd doesn't get a lot of these parties, and I'm trying to give her a good night given that there are other far more complicated issues running in the background that I couldn't possibly try to go into here. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
almondbutterandjelly Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 You did the right thing. Don't beat yourself up. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 I would have done exactly the same things. You’re not a jerk. Some moms of Little’s forget that there are times and places when Little’s are just not a good idea. Your dd doesn’t want tantrums at her party. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 Parties are optional. Guest lists are not endless. Doesn't make you a monster. Doesn't mean feelings won't be hurt. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 I do think I would have done the same. I think it is very reasonable for your daughter to have a teens-only party that is not toddler friendly. As it isn't even on her birthday nor during the usual time your nephew is over, plus there is another family birthday celebration they are invited to, they should be chill with it. The shower is a little more sticky, but as long as she has enough family girl support, it should be fine. You can't be all things to all people. If you are really worried about that one, you could slip away from the waterpark and spend some of Saturday at the shower (without your daughter). But ... why does it cost $$$ to attend a shower? I don't like that. It's already a gift grab (not saying it in a bad way, but it is). Someone should be providing some meat and veggie trays or pizza delivery at a reasonable price IMO. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth S Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 I honestly believe you would be feeling Much Worse right now, if you had encouraged the extended family to come to your dd's special party. Please repeat to Everyone Who Asks that you're hosting dd's Friends on the one day and the Family on the other day. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 18, 2018 Author Share Posted June 18, 2018 3 minutes ago, happysmileylady said: You are not a monster, you are sensible. Did your sister get upset or give you a guilt trip or something. She didn't say anything mean or upset. Her body language was quite vocal, but I 'm sure she needed time to process. She was dropping off nephew for the day and it was only 7am. So, she may be totally fine or it will come out later. I just had a hard time saying no, and needed to know that I was being reasonable. I am bad at boundaries and can be a pushover sometimes. It's hard to know if I'm doing it right. In the past, I would have made things harder on myself, sucked it up, and bent over backwards to make it work so nephew could come. I'm more tired these days! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 18, 2018 Author Share Posted June 18, 2018 8 minutes ago, SKL said: I do think I would have done the same. I think it is very reasonable for your daughter to have a teens-only party that is not toddler friendly. As it isn't even on her birthday nor during the usual time your nephew is over, plus there is another family birthday celebration they are invited to, they should be chill with it. The shower is a little more sticky, but as long as she has enough family girl support, it should be fine. You can't be all things to all people. If you are really worried about that one, you could slip away from the waterpark and spend some of Saturday at the shower (without your daughter). But ... why does it cost $$$ to attend a shower? I don't like that. It's already a gift grab (not saying it in a bad way, but it is). Someone should be providing some meat and veggie trays or pizza delivery at a reasonable price IMO. It costs money to order whatever you're eating and the place is not the cheapest. Just me would be cheaper of course. This is not the usual ladies-only type shower. It's the type where husband and wife or whole families are supposed to attend. ETA: its at a restaraunt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 Oh jeez - you are spot on with all this stuff. If someone wants to invite you to an event, they should send you an invitation. And a 2nd shower is a luxury, not a necessity. You should be able to decline an invite without a guilt trip anyway. If you are watching this kid 50 hours a week, even if you are paid you are already WELL beyond good auntie zone. That is a lot of hours per week for a 3 year old to be in someone else's care and no wonder he acts out with his parents. Seriously. Stay strong, you are totally in the right. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 18, 2018 Author Share Posted June 18, 2018 Thank you all so much!!!! I really mean it. My dh jokes that he wants me to get meaner. Um, no thanks. I want to be reasonable not a jerk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 18, 2018 Author Share Posted June 18, 2018 4 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said: Oh jeez - you are spot on with all this stuff. If someone wants to invite you to an event, they should send you an invitation. And a 2nd shower is a luxury, not a necessity. You should be able to decline an invite without a guilt trip anyway. If you are watching this kid 50 hours a week, even if you are paid you are already WELL beyond good auntie zone. That is a lot of hours per week for a 3 year old to be in someone else's care and no wonder he acts out with his parents. Seriously. Stay strong, you are totally in the right. Thank you. He is sitting with me on the couch now looking at everyone's avatar. Sometimes he will touch the ones that he likes (like your cat pic) before I can stop him and unfortunately my screen is touch sensitive, so he ends up moving my screen/sending me places. He thinks it hysterical...gotta love this age. But, yes, he gets a ton of aunt and cousin time. And by end of summer his little brother will be here too! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 7 minutes ago, jewellsmommy said: It costs money to order whatever you're eating and the place is not the cheapest. Just me would be cheaper of course. This is not the usual ladies-only type shower. It's the type where husband and wife or whole families are supposed to attend. ETA: its at a restaraunt I figured it was at a restaurant, but it still bugs me, LOL. I still think it is 100% fine for any or all in your family to decline. But as a sister / aunt myself, I tend to try to make showers if there is a way, and maybe being there solo while the others are at the waterpark would be a way. But your daughter has to stay with her friends and your husband ... I personally feel guys don't need to come to showers, and anyway you can say he has chaperone duties. (You can also say you yourself have chaperone duties. I was just suggesting another possibility in case it makes you feel better.) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 I also would have done exactly the same things. I might have explained things a little differently - label the friends party a "teen friends only party" and reference the "family party" too. And frankly if she's angry about the baby shower she should be angry at her DH, or angry she didn't invite you herself. Pregnant women are emotional, don't take it personally. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ailaena Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 My advice is to be sure you are slow and patient when making the queso. You don’t want the cheese to break or you will end up with a pile of trasho! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 18, 2018 Author Share Posted June 18, 2018 8 minutes ago, Katy said: I also would have done exactly the same things. I might have explained things a little differently - label the friends party a "teen friends only party" and reference the "family party" too. And frankly if she's angry about the baby shower she should be angry at her DH, or angry she didn't invite you herself. Pregnant women are emotional, don't take it personally. My brother just left with nephew and I told him that he did not tell me about the shower even though sil thinks he did. He said it had to be pregnancy brain because he says he never told her that, and he knows that he didn't tell me about it. He was totally chill about the whole thing. I got the idea that she wasn't, but like you said pregnant woman and emotions. My brother said if I was stupid enough to have his toddler around a chocolate fountain that he wouldn't even try to keep him out of it, he'd just sit back and laugh. Gee thanks brother! He said he understood completely. So I do feel better. I sent the new baby's present with him today, hoping it might cheer up sil. 9 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 18, 2018 Author Share Posted June 18, 2018 10 minutes ago, Ailaena said: My advice is to be sure you are slow and patient when making the queso. You don’t want the cheese to break or you will end up with a pile of trasho! Once I make it, can it sit in a crock pot for at least 2 hours? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 I'm glad your brother is being reasonable. I was actually just thinking about this kind of things and relatives. My MIL was here for ds's graduation. I love her dearly; however, she wants to be helpful but drives me crazy. My kitchen only works for one person. I can clean up faster alone. But when I go out to clean, she does. I've had no time to clean the basement--summer project, but she insisted-against my objections to carrying things down the basement for me. Then she went on about-what is all that junk down there? None of this is a big deal in the context of our relationship but it totally annoyed me. But I will get over it. I think your SIL will too, particularly since brother has your back. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 Did SIL freak out? I don’t get why you feel bad. Nephew and parents would get really stressed at a teen party and you spared them that. You don’t really NEED to see them EVERY day. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 Also, teens will eat anything. Just microwave velveeta and salsa and stick it in a crockpot. Even if you prefer a more virtuous quest, I promise this will be easier and be just as gone by the end of the night. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 18, 2018 Author Share Posted June 18, 2018 5 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said: Did SIL freak out? I don’t get why you feel bad. Nephew and parents would get really stressed at a teen party and you spared them that. You don’t really NEED to see them EVERY day. I'm letting my brother handle it since he totally agreed with me and doesn't want to deal under those circumstances either. Apparently she called him right after she left here this morning, but I didn't ask how upset she was. He only commented that she'll be fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 1 hour ago, jewellsmommy said: My brother just left with nephew and I told him that he did not tell me about the shower even though sil thinks he did. He said it had to be pregnancy brain because he says he never told her that, and he knows that he didn't tell me about it. He was totally chill about the whole thing. I got the idea that she wasn't, but like you said pregnant woman and emotions. My brother said if I was stupid enough to have his toddler around a chocolate fountain that he wouldn't even try to keep him out of it, he'd just sit back and laugh. Gee thanks brother! He said he understood completely. So I do feel better. I sent the new baby's present with him today, hoping it might cheer up sil. The bolded sounds exactly like my brother. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 You did the right thing. The only thing I would have done another way was to tell her it was a teen party this year and not a family party. (instead of mentioning ways the little kid could cause havoc). I’m learning to speak carefully to avoid family battles. But you absolutely did the right thing!!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ailaena Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 1 hour ago, jewellsmommy said: Once I make it, can it sit in a crock pot for at least 2 hours? If you keep it on warm and your warm isn’t too hot! I think the rules are different for velveeta, though. I believe that is easier to work with. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted June 19, 2018 Share Posted June 19, 2018 You did the right thing!! Calmly stand your ground if sil tries to push you on this. Just my two cents! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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