For military peeps-- the purpose of FRG

[DesertBlossom]

DH has been in the Natl Guard for a few years and we were never involved in any family military activities until he was preparing to deploy 2 years ago.  He moved to a new unit that was deploying and I don't know all the reasons, but I never got on anyone's email lists until the deployment was nearly over. I didn't know any other spouses in his unit and it wasn't until the end of deployment that I got to know some of them. (probably because their spouses were the ones my husband got to be good friends with overseas so they reached out to me) So my involvement in FRG has been very very limited. I have a strong support system elsewhere so it's been fine. Not a big deal.  But another wife talked me into volunteering for the FRG and I am kind of perplexed and frustrated about the whole thing. I'm supposedly a "key caller" and went to the trainings and a couple meetings but I've never been given a list of who to call so I've never actually done any calling.

 

I do get the emails about volunteering for other things. This is the Guard, so while some of the soldiers are full-time, for many it's a part-time once-a-month thing. The FRG does things like passing out bags of candy to soldiers for holidays. Sometimes they'll put together a big elaborate meal that the soldiers pay for so that the FRG will have money for family activities. (Apparently the FRG is not allowed to do outside fundraising, but they can fundraise from their own soldiers)  When DH is at drill it's an additional sacrifice FOR ME and I'm supposed to use that day (that he would have off otherwise) to pass out goody bags to him? Where the heck is my goody bag? (I kid, I don't want a goody bag) Or I'm supposed to go spend a day preparing a meal so my DH can donate a few bucks so we can have it for family day? I'd rather have him donate $10 and bring a sack lunch and call it good. Sheesh. I just don't understand this at all. 

 

Am I missing something?  Is this typical of FRGs? Is this unique to Guard or Reserve units? 

 

I'm tempted to tell them I no longer want to be part of the FRG but that would be rude or something.

[mmasc]

Well, this may be an unpopular sentiment among some, but I’m going to express my opinion straight out. Quit. It’s not worth your time. It’s not worth most people’s time. Obviously, this is just my opinion.

 

Signed,

AD Military spouse for 13 years

[DesertBlossom]

Well, this may be an unpopular sentiment among some, but I’m going to express my opinion straight out. Quit. It’s not worth your time. It’s not worth most people’s time. Obviously, this is just my opinion.

 

Signed,

AD Military spouse for 13 years

 

I sincerely appreciate you telling me what I wanted to hear.  :lol:

 

So I take it this is rather typical then? 

 

I have been feeling like the other FRG spouses are the type who genuinely love putting together goody bags and being out there and passing out warm fuzzies. I'm an introvert that borders on anti-social and this is just too much. 

Edited February 1, 2018 by DesertBlossom

[Beaniemom]

I always say that if DH is ever a CO I’ll have to learn to be a Navy wife. I don’t understand FRG’s either but given what you described I’d quit.

I’ve never been involved in an FRG and survived 5 deployments plus smaller IAs over his 15 years in.

[mmasc]

I sincerely appreciate you telling me what I wanted to hear. :lol:

 

So I take it this is rather typical then?

 

I have been feeling like the other FRG spouses are the type who genuinely love putting together goody bags and being out there and passing out warm fuzzies. I'm an introvert that borders on anti-social and this is just too much.

Yep, exactly. If I could put it in homeschool terms, I’d say the FRG is like busy work worksheets...some people love them, but they’re just not worth my time. 😂

[Beaniemom]

Yep, exactly. If I could put it in homeschool terms, I’d say the FRG is like busy work worksheets...some people love them, but they’re just not worth my time. 😂

I love this analogy!

[El...]

We're AF, so not quite the same, but spouses' groups REALLY vary by location.  Some are awesome networks of deeply meaningful, supportive relationships.  Some are stooopid.  

 

I hope you will be able to find a corner of awesome there.  If not, please don't feel like you are obligated to collect candy for goody bags.  You've got crap to do.

[Crimson Wife]

My experience with the Officers' Wives' Club was that it was the WORST of junior high cliquishness meets the Stepford Wives. And if you didn't participate in all the stupid social events including a bazillion MLM parties, it would hurt your DH's career prospects because Mrs. Wears Her Husband's Rank will gossip about how you're "not being supportive of the mission". :thumbdown:

 

I was SOOOO glad when my DH officially put in for his separation and I could stop pasting on a fake smile and pretending that I actually wanted to be there.

[mom2scouts]

FRGs are kind of silly for National Guard and Reserve units. The families of the deployed soldiers can be anywhere in the state and not likely to drive hours for FRG meetings and events. Some of the families very close to the armory seem to enjoy doing some things, but overall I think attendance is small. Later in the deployment they did offer meetings by conference call, but I don't know if that helped much. When units aren't deployed, I can't think of any reason for a Guard unit to have an active FRG group for social type events. It really doesn't sound like a good use of your time and if you don't enjoy it, step down from your position.

 

My sister and SIL were both Army wives and it seems to be a bit different near Army bases. There are lots of families of deployed military in a small area and they may need or want to support each other. They are also neighbors and people who are used to moving and needing a place to find new friends. It just doesn't translate well to Guard or Reserve.

Edited February 2, 2018 by mom2scouts

[Sneezyone]

Well, this may be an unpopular sentiment among some, but I’m going to express my opinion straight out. Quit. It’s not worth your time. It’s not worth most people’s time. Obviously, this is just my opinion.

 

Signed,

AD Military spouse for 13 years

 

Ditto.

 

Unless you have need of specific information during an actual deployment where comms are in short supply, there is zero reason to invest your time and energy in the FRG. It's busy work for people who are plenty busy already and the inevitable source of conflict, dissension and pettiness.

[fraidycat]

Well, this may be an unpopular sentiment among some, but I’m going to express my opinion straight out. Quit. It’s not worth your time. It’s not worth most people’s time. Obviously, this is just my opinion.

 

Signed,

AD Military spouse for 13 years

Agreed.

 

Signed,

AD military spouse for almost 17 years. :D

[ondreeuh]

We actually live just off-base now and I am pressured to join our FRG. The people seems super nice, but I just am not interested in bake sales, cooking classes, fun runs, etc. I think they are required to have a group, and the great wives are making the best of it. I'm just a lame anti-social wife. My dh has said that at some point in his career I will have to suck it up. He starts his captain's career course this spring, but I can put it off a while longer.

[Sneezyone]

I always say that if DH is ever a CO I’ll have to learn to be a Navy wife. I don’t understand FRG’s either but given what you described I’d quit.

I’ve never been involved in an FRG and survived 5 deployments plus smaller IAs over his 15 years in.

 

Even then, then role is highly overrated and mostly unnecessary. The military is, IMHO, entirely too reliant on unpaid spousal labor and volunteerism rather than consistent, reliable, paid unit support staff. If these roles are so important and valuable, they need to be paid...especially knowing how high the unemployment/underemployment rates are among spouses. Some people have the will and talent to take on these liaison roles and some don't but that capacity doesn't suddenly materialize with a spousal promotion.

Edited February 2, 2018 by Sneezyone

[Lecka]

Since they started having FSRAs or FRSAs or whatever they are called, there has always been one hired at the battalion level when my husband has been deployed. Then there is rear detachment. Rear detachment has run the meetings and provided information during a deployment. They don’t do things like leave welcome baskets in the barracks or arrange a meet-up at a restaurant.

 

My husband has been asked for me to run the FRG and he said no. According to my husband, who I do not claim as an expert on this and I might misunderstand him, the FRG is the commander’s program and no spouse has to do it. Okay, this is at the company level, not the battalion level, lol. But the Company Commander just ran the meetings and put out the information (important dates) and we didn’t have FRG events. But they had some FRG-type events still, like a Halloween party and a unit barbecue. They are still going to have a sports day if they have a sports day.

 

This Company Commander was married and I don’t know why his wife didn’t do it. I assumed she had been really involved during some difficult deployment and needed to not do it anymore. She also could have worked as a nurse or something with unpredictable hours. Maybe she lived somewhere else. I don’t know. It is between her and her husband. I think things like “good for her†when people don’t do it who just don’t want to or can’t/shouldn’t. Like if somebody has a new baby they have better ways to spend their time, unless they enjoy it.

 

 

However maybe more realistically, I think if somebody’s husband is really into it and on track to be a battalion commander someday, it’s maybe good to go ahead and learn how to do the stuff while you can have someone to mentor you and then you can know what is going on when you are a battalion commander’s wife. That is just my impression though, I could be way off.

 

Also you can plan fun, free events if you want, you don’t have to do fundraisers if you don’t want to. There might be one or two things a year that are set up to where you can just show up. But a lot of fun events are free and I think it is the fundraising that is so irritating. Then I was in a FRG once where there was money in the fund and nobody could decide what to spend it on the whole time I was there. Lol. For people to set up or host a social event though often is free because it is “meet somewhere, bring your own food†type stuff. Edit: I went to “meet at the swimming pool on post†things during the summer once when my husband was deployed and I LOVED it, I had time to talk to people and my kids were occupied. I could meet spouses of people my husband talked about, but he only really got to know them on the deployment. That kind of thing requires no fundraising and no spending FRG funds.

 

But really I don’t know. That is my impression.

 

Edit: my husband hosted a fair number of social events at the platoon level while we were in the unit where he was asked if I wanted to be the FRG leader, he was a platoon sergeant. It was reasonable for somebody to think I would like that kind of thing, but I had young children at home and zero interest. And my husband would rather I didn’t do it because he thought it would stress me out. But some people like it more, I have met people who enjoy it.

Edited February 2, 2018 by Lecka

[Another Lynn]

I'm another Reservist wife who wonders if the army will ever understand the difference between full time and reservists and what that difference means for their families.  

[lovinmyboys]

My Dh is enlisted army reserve, so probably not the same thing. The last time he was deployed, he was the First sergeant. I did nothing for the FRG even though I was told I was “supposed to.†I never gave a reason. I had lots of reasons for not doing-it is pointless, I lived 2 hours away, I had my own 4 children under 8, the army really should pay someone to fill that role if it is so vital. My non participation didn’t hurt dh’s career. He has been promoted since then.

 

And, definitely, I wish the army would get the difference between reserves and active duty.

[wendy not in HI]

The spouse club and the FRG (or Key Spouse program in the AF) are actually different things.

 

I think if you are not into the goody bags and parties, you don’t have to sign up for those. The calling and emailing part is actually important, in my opinion. It is often not used until a deployment, so that’s probably why you haven’t been asked to be involved with that yet, though you have heard about in the training. Each commander decides how the program should be run in that unit, so it will not be the same everywhere.

 

Those calls and emails are how you can reach out and support other spouses through the deployment. You are lucky enough to have a lot of outside support and the experience and strength to know that you can get through a deployment. There are other spouses (younger or older) who may not have that support or experience and if you are willing to be involved, you can make a real difference in the life of someone who may be struggling with real concerns and issues. By involved, I don’t mean Halloween parties, I mean, reaching out to say hello, checking in to see if they are okay, offering a listening ear, etc. (plus, those arranging silly goodie bags are just trying to find a way to make connections - as an experienced spouse, you may have other ideas to create meaningful connections - if you want to be involved in that way, you can bring your own ideas to the table.)

 

I’m bad a social situations, but so thankful for kind spouses who have been there for me through difficult deployments. I am okay on my own, and I work hard to find a support system in whatever place we are assigned, and I’m still overwhelmed with gratitude when someone invites us over for Sunday dinner during a deployment and is just a nice human!

 

I think the era of ladies teas are over, but military spouses can still support and lift each other up. Even if it is an assigned friendship. You certainly don’t have to be involved, but if you do want to support other spouses, you can find a way to do that that is comfortable and meaningful for you.

 

I’m looking at a year deployment starting in July. I don’t want to need any help. I’m fine. I got this. But if I can help a younger spouse feel confident in her first deployment, that will help both me and her, because even though I don’t really need the help, and I certainly don’t need an Easter egg hunt, (this is totally cliche, but still true:) being part of a strong community strengthens all of us. (Go Air Force)

[Lecka]

I don't have it in me to be supportive to a first-term spouse when it comes to deployments.  I can't say I think "everything will be great when he gets home."  When he gets home it may not be easy. 

 

I also think it's really hard on women whose husband's have had very difficult deployments (I don't count myself here) to support others, just because their husband has been in the Army longer.

 

It is not like when my husband joined the Army and there were a lot of guys who had been to Kosovo and Operation Desert Storm. 

 

There are things that aren't very nice to talk about that some of the older wives have been through at this point, and newer wives hopefully will never have to deal with it.

 

I think this is an issue that has broken a lot of FRGs. 

 

And it is why there are paid liaisons during deployments. 

 

I have reached out to people when my husband has asked me to because he knows something is going on or they're not doing well.  But I think a lot of times that doesn't need to happen or best happen through the FRG. 

 

A lot of times someone having trouble wants there to be privacy and maybe doesn't want it to go too high up the chain and have everybody's wife know about it and then their husband knows too.  A lot of guys just are not comfortable with that. 

 

It's hard to make generalizations about things but this is stuff I think is an issue for some ladies my age. 

 

I definitely think that for spouses who are in a personal situation where they are able to reach out and pass some help down the line, it is really, really good to do.  But I do not think it should be an obligation.  I don't think anybody should be judged for not wanting to do it. 

 

And there are always a lot of spouses who live away from post, or deployments where someone is assigned to deploy with a unit or as part of a group, where there just is not a group of people in the same geographical area.  And those ladies need support too but it doesn't have to come from other spouses in their husband's unit who are on the same deployment. 

 

I think too, it can be a lot of pressure on women when they know their husband is very stressed, but -- she can't share that with anyone except maybe some other spouses who are in a similar position. 

 

I don't want to hear about my husband's superior that he's really stressed. 

 

For a lot of things its like only junior enlisted spouses can really be free to say "I'm struggling" without keeping it very confidential and putting on a façade. 

 

Because can you imagine if I talked to my husband and said "I saw your superior's wife, she was so upset, her husband says things are really bad."  It's not okay.  But what if that is the truth?  She needs to find someone whose husband is a similar rank or higher to have that conversation with, at a certain point. 

 

It's not the same if issues are more like -- sad kids, loneliness, having to take care of problems alone, etc.  If issues are like ----- worry about your husband's safety, then a lot of people are honestly in a role where they need to say encouraging things whether they believe them or not.   

[Lecka]

On the other hand I always have it in me to talk to a spouse and tell her my husband has been deployed before and he knows what he is doing, they have had good training, they did really good at the training, my husband has sadi something positive about the leadership that I will repeat, etc.  I always have it in me to do that.  I do avoid talking about some things though.  That is more fair to say. 

 

My husband hasn't been deployed in 5 years at this point and most of the deployments he might go on now are very safe, so I would be fine to say I thought everything was going to be fine.  It is really different when a deployment is just being gone than if it is scary.   

[DesertBlossom]

The spouse club and the FRG (or Key Spouse program in the AF) are actually different things.

 

I think if you are not into the goody bags and parties, you don’t have to sign up for those. The calling and emailing part is actually important, in my opinion. It is often not used until a deployment, so that’s probably why you haven’t been asked to be involved with that yet, though you have heard about in the training. Each commander decides how the program should be run in that unit, so it will not be the same everywhere.

 

Those calls and emails are how you can reach out and support other spouses through the deployment. You are lucky enough to have a lot of outside support and the experience and strength to know that you can get through a deployment. There are other spouses (younger or older) who may not have that support or experience and if you are willing to be involved, you can make a real difference in the life of someone who may be struggling with real concerns and issues. By involved, I don’t mean Halloween parties, I mean, reaching out to say hello, checking in to see if they are okay, offering a listening ear, etc. (plus, those arranging silly goodie bags are just trying to find a way to make connections - as an experienced spouse, you may have other ideas to create meaningful connections - if you want to be involved in that way, you can bring your own ideas to the table.)

 

I’m bad a social situations, but so thankful for kind spouses who have been there for me through difficult deployments. I am okay on my own, and I work hard to find a support system in whatever place we are assigned, and I’m still overwhelmed with gratitude when someone invites us over for Sunday dinner during a deployment and is just a nice human!

 

I think the era of ladies teas are over, but military spouses can still support and lift each other up. Even if it is an assigned friendship. You certainly don’t have to be involved, but if you do want to support other spouses, you can find a way to do that that is comfortable and meaningful for you.

 

I’m looking at a year deployment starting in July. I don’t want to need any help. I’m fine. I got this. But if I can help a younger spouse feel confident in her first deployment, that will help both me and her, because even though I don’t really need the help, and I certainly don’t need an Easter egg hunt, (this is totally cliche, but still true:) being part of a strong community strengthens all of us. (Go Air Force)

I definitely agree about how it's different during an actual deployment. DH has only been deployed once and I wasn't even aware of activities going on for families until a month or two before they got home. But I did participate in and enjoy the couple things I went to. I just don't have a lot of experience with FRG in general.

 

I got asked to be a key caller 6 months after deployment was over. There was an activity I was supposed to call about, but me and the other key caller didn't have lists and still don't have lists.

 

I get the feeling I am supposed to be volunteering for these feel-good things they do for the soliders on Drill weekends. (Because I am on the email list asking for volunteers anyway.) And I just don't see the point in passing out holiday-themed treats to soldiers who are just at work the weekend, ya know?