Thank you!

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

NT

Edited November 15, 2017 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[footballmom]

Honestly, I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but you need to protect your own child and TF's needs are beyond what you and your family can provide for TF right now.  What does your child want to do?  I think getting some distance between your child and TF is what needs to be done on your side right now.  That's all you can control.  Yes, there might be fall out but TF and TF's parents need to use their energy and resources towards getting TF help not towards friend fallout.  Just my 2 cents.

[dsmith]

It almost seems like some emotional blackmail is going on, unless I'm reading into it wrong. That is a big burden for your child to bear. I would contact the parents and let them know the strain that is being inflicted upon your child. It may give them the needed push to seek professional help. In the meantime, it may not be a bad idea to seek some help for your own child to help deal with this issue in particular if your child isn't currently seeing anyone.

[Bambam]

It doesn't seem like there is anything you or your child can do. I would call or mail the parents - encourage them to reach out to seek help, possibly alert them to the fact they can have a minor admitted if they are actively threatening to hurt themselves (I believe this is true), and explain that you have to protect your child, so you guys are stepping back from the relationship. I would think about having my child write a letter to TF explaining things - I like you, but I can't handle this (maybe better and more gently phrased? I don't know).  I don't know that the letter idea is a good one, but I know my child would be hesitant to step back from their situation without some explanation - and I'm not sure a face-to-face one would be the best option. 

 

Personally, I think that is all I can do about other minors - alert the parents (or authorities if appropriate). It sounds like you cannot do anything else to help them, they need to help themselves. 

 

But I would feel the need to separate my child from the situation for their own mental health - depending upon their age, that is. With older teens, I don't know that you can. 

 

[Rosie_0801]

Your child doesn't need an energy vampire when already dealing with their own mental health stuff.

 

:grouphug:

[maize]

How old is the friend?

[Catwoman]

Your child doesn't need an energy vampire when already dealing with their own mental health stuff.

 

:grouphug:

:iagree:

 

I think that's an excellent way to phrase it.

 

And if I found out that some kid was trying to create major drama by threatening some kind of horrible fallout, and trying to make my child feel guilty about not supporting them, I would do whatever it took to get him far away from that kid.

 

I'm very sorry that poor teen has problems, but no one has the right to manipulate friends into providing support by threatening suicide or self-harm. It's not right and it's not acceptable, and it's terribly emotionally stressful for the friends, who are still just kids themselves and aren't equipped to deal with this kind of situation.

 

Personally, I would inform the parents of this manipulative behavior and tell them that I was no longer allowing my child to be a part of this kind of drama.

 

Again, I understand that you feel sorry for the teen, but I agree with everyone who has already posted that thinks your own child has to come first and you should let the other parents deal with their own kid. Maybe that sounds mean, but your own child sounds very sweet and sensitive, and I wouldn't let her risk her own mental health in order to try to help this other kid.

Edited November 14, 2017 by Catwoman

[Lanny]

The TF and your DC should have the phone number of the local Suicide Prevention with them at all times. I would take mention of, or threats of, Suicide, very seriously.  One of my former colleagues, their middle child (a boy) committed suicide in their garage one Sunday, when they went out for Lunch. I'm not sure if he had spoken about suicide.  Your DC should be seeing an experienced (with depressed Teen patients)  Psychologist or Psychiatrist, probably once a week.  

 

If TF is refusing   psychotherapy and medication, that is the problem of TF.  God willing, your DC will be less hostile to treatments that might help become a happier person.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I, too, would advise distancing your teen from this friend for his/her own safety.  Then I would implore the parents of said teen to do something about it.  The stress of all these threats is having a negative effect on other people.  As long as the teen is under 18, they still have cards they can play.  Once the child turns 18, the parents have much fewer things they can do.  I would urge them to get their teen evaluated and see if they can do a hold until other supports are put in place.  If the child is not "bad enough" to keep in the hospital, there may be a partial inpatient program or an intensive out patient program where the teen can attend every day for several weeks to get a handle on things, adjust meds, and get some safety plans in place.  Put them in touch with NAMI.  There are some classes for family members of mentally ill persons and special classes for parents of mentally ill children.  In fact, I'd recommend you doing that for your family as well.  

 

I am unfortunately speaking from experience, having a mentally ill adult child who no longer allows me to participate in her mental health care.  It is a long, tough road.  

[Loowit]

Depending on age and location TF's parents hands may be tied as far as how much they can do.  In my state teens have the right to refuse therapy or any mental health treatment, unless they are in immediate danger of self harm.  Therapist will not see a teen if the child has stated they do not want to be seen.  It is a very difficult position to be in.

 

I think distancing from the friend may be the best thing for your child.

 

My DD had a friend who was suicidal.  I didn't realize that her friend was having so many emotional problems and my daughter was trying to handle them on her own.  It ended up with my DD starting to feel helpless and triggered her anxiety to really unhealthy levels that we are still trying to help her with.  DD did "force" her friend to call a suicide hotline, and strongly encouraged her to get help through the counseling at her school.  DD checks up on friend at least once a week to make sure that friend is going to counseling.  If friend was refusing counseling and not getting help, I would strongly discourage the friendship for my own DD's mental health.

[Katy]

I would start by finding a good cognitive behavioral therapist for your own kid.  They'll teach how to differentiate between things they can control and things they can't and help them build better boundaries in a short period of time rather than sit on a couch and complain about parents.

 

Once your child has a good relationship with the therapist, you or your teen can give the family their card as a referral.

 

Also, every time self-harm or suicide is threatened online, get a screen shot and report it to local police AND to facebook. 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Thank you, everyone, I appreciate it. My own child is already under the care of a few specialists, so I'm not THAT worried about that aspect of it. I mentioned starting to drift away from this relationship for awhile, and DC agreed that it might be a good idea. I was more worried about what my responsibility is toward TF. Should I intervene if the parents already have a fixed idea of how they want to handle it? 

 

A more experienced parent friend also heard what was going on and made a phone call, and the parental response was the same. This friend has made a decision about how they want to handle it going forward, so since they have more experience in this area in general, I'm going to go with that plan. I may make one more attempt to speak to TF's parent myself, more strongly. 

 

I'm just afraid to fall on the wrong side of this and really, really regret it later :( But I also don't want to get in the way of someone else's parenting choices. 

 

Thanks again. I wish I didn't have to ask these questions at all. I wish none of us had to. 

Edited November 15, 2017 by ILiveInFlipFlops