A glimpse into the mind of one bipolar person

[Night Elf]

So I have bipolar 2 disorder. I was diagnosed in 2009. I remember it taking quite a while to find the right medication combination to put me on a mostly even keel. But it was like magic when it finally did work. I went back to what we felt was a "normal" that is acceptable. Fast forward 8 years. My medication has never changed. Never even tweaked. Everything ran so well that we almost forgot what an episode might look like. However, I was feeling awful, full of anxiety or what I thought was all anxiety. Then I had two episodes in a one week period that we thought might be hypomanic. My episodes only lasted a few hours each. So I went to the doctor and told her everything I had been feeling and thinking in the last few weeks. She confirmed those episodes were hypomanic and she needed to tweak my medication. She also said I had two things going on. My bipolar was breaking through and mimicking my anxiety, while my true anxiety was deepening. So she increased my medication and I've been feeling a little better each day. 

 

So what was the problem that still haunts me? As part of my bipolar episodes, I was thinking of getting a job. It sounds simple and something millions of people do. However, I haven't wanted to do it. I was content being a housewife. I said repeatedly I never wanted to work outside the home again. But then I started feeling like maybe I should be working. I've got the time. The money would be nice. And the one true bipolar thought, I was a super great employee and anyone would hire me immediately so it didn't matter what job I applied for, I'd get the first one I chose. I almost applied at a daycare but found out they weren't hiring and was devastated. If only she had met me in person I'm sure she would have asked me to work for her. But that didn't happen. So I started thinking about other jobs I could do but something was holding me back. It was fear really. I haven't worked in so long that I don't know how I would really do in a job. So why am I bothered by this? Because what IF I did apply somewhere and got hired? I'd be working while in a hypomanic state of mind. Then my medication was changed and I started feeling better. I realize I don't want to work right now. I would have been stuck in a job I didn't want to do or I would have had to quit. Neither one sounds appealing. So I'm glad I was able to straighten out my medication before I did any real damage.

 

However, my counselor believes I need to do something for me. If not working outside the home, then it must be something that gives me something to think about other than the bad things I keep rehashing in my mind and in my sessions. So DH is suggesting I volunteer. I know of two opportunities but I'm really scared to go out and do something new. I mean really scared. So I'm working on that now and will hopefully be in a good place in a few weeks. 

 

So that's just a small part of my life right now.

[Rosie_0801]

Mental health stuff is a challenge, for sure.  :grouphug:

[StephanieZ]

(((hugs)))

 

I think volunteering sounds like a fantastic suggestion. Consider something that you can do that isn't a big commitment . . . Somewhere you can just show up for a few hours, do something helpful but fairly pleasant, and then no more commitment . . . Maybe volunteering in a family shelter to read to / play with kids? Or just serving up meals at a shelter -- that always seems easy to sign up for, and you could just sign up for one shift at a time. 

 

Maybe your dh would be willing to go along with you to your volunteer gig the first couple times. Serving meals at a shelter on a weekend . . . something like that. Maybe that'd decrease your anxiety about it? 

 

You could sign up for a class that sounds interesting and pleasant. Crafts are fun. Or maybe yoga. Something low key and just 6-8 weeks of a class . . . 

 

Meanwhile, I'd suggest giving yourself some space and grace . . . your meds are settling in . . . It usually takes some weeks for a new dosage to hit equilibrium, and often times more than one "tweak" is needed. Be kind to yourself. Do things you like. Find a new funny TV show to binge. (I just watched Atypical on Netflix, and it'd fit the bill. Pretty lightweight, entertaining, nice characters.)

 

Remember, if you had some other chronic illness, and it flared up and you were "off" for a while . . . your friends would be dropping off meals and your family would be giving you heaps of sympathy. Unfortunately, mental health "flares" rarely elicit that sort of needed support, but rather can make your life more complicated and/or elicit negative responses from loved ones . . . That sucks. So, hang tight, and give YOURSELF the support you need. 

 

((((hugs))))

[Jen500]

:grouphug:

[Night Elf]

One volunteer position would only be one day every other month. I donate food to an organization that comes to your home and picks up your orange bag full of groceries and leaves a new one for next time. They could use more drivers but since I have driving anxiety that wouldn't be good for me. They bring the bags back to their warehouse and have to sort through it, getting it ready to take to the various organizations that actually dole the food out. I could help sort. I've thought about it but I'm so scared to go try. What if I don't understand what they want me to do? What if I don't do it right? What if I appear to be stupid? I know it's all irrational fears but they sure seem real in my mind.

[Rosie_0801]

One volunteer position would only be one day every other month. I donate food to an organization that comes to your home and picks up your orange bag full of groceries and leaves a new one for next time. They could use more drivers but since I have driving anxiety that wouldn't be good for me. They bring the bags back to their warehouse and have to sort through it, getting it ready to take to the various organizations that actually dole the food out. I could help sort. I've thought about it but I'm so scared to go try. What if I don't understand what they want me to do? What if I don't do it right? What if I appear to be stupid? I know it's all irrational fears but they sure seem real in my mind.

 

This is one of those situations where stating personal baggage upfront is easiest.

 

"Hi. I've come to help out. I've got some anxiety stuff going on so don't mind me if I do anything dumb. Who around here needs a hand?"

 

 

But you can run a household, so you certainly have the skills to help other people organise their pantries. :)

[scholastica]

Does your library accept volunteers? Ours has volunteers who help shelve. That would be low key and not very people intense. I'm sorry you're going through this. ((()))

[maize]

No advice, but thank you for sharing your experience.

[EMS83]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Rachel]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this!

 

As far as putting yourself out there to volunteer, trying new things is tough for a lot of people. I have helped sort food for the food pantry, they walk you through exactly what to do. I am certain you could do it and it is very low pressure. If it's awful, you can leave.

[Rachel]

Sadie said it better!

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I understand those fears. Stepping outside your safe zone is HARD!

 

It helps me to do two things. Firstly, come up with reasonable replies, the kind of thing I'd say to a friend. So "It's really likely that they are used to having new volunteers, and don't mind letting them know the right way to do things. They'd probably rather I asked if I'm unsure. In any case, they will be happy to have me, even if I don't get everything right the first time."

 

The other thing that helps is to imagine the worst case scenario. "OK. So I turn up, I don't understand what I'm meant to do, nobody is available to help me work it out, I make a mistake and the other people think 'oh lordy that woman is stupid!' How will I manage that worst case scenario? Can I flee the scene, never come back, go home and huddle under a blanket watching Netflix? Why yes, I can. It it goes absolutely horribly, I will never go back and I will go home and spend as much time as I need doing safe and comfortable things.'

 

The happy thing to know is that you more you do step outside yourself and try new things, the easier it gets to do new things. I never, ever feel excitement over new things outside my comfort zone, but I am able to do them regularly without anxiety - and all it took was practice.

 

Best of luck to you! You can do it :) (And if the other volunteers or supervisors are in any way mean, that's their issue, not yours!)

[JFSinIL]

One volunteer position would only be one day every other month. I donate food to an organization that comes to your home and picks up your orange bag full of groceries and leaves a new one for next time. They could use more drivers but since I have driving anxiety that wouldn't be good for me. They bring the bags back to their warehouse and have to sort through it, getting it ready to take to the various organizations that actually dole the food out. I could help sort. I've thought about it but I'm so scared to go try. What if I don't understand what they want me to do? What if I don't do it right? What if I appear to be stupid? I know it's all irrational fears but they sure seem real in my mind.

 

Before I physically could no longer take him, I was going with my adult son with autism to the local Northern Illinois Food Bank warehouse to help sort food one afternoon a week.  Since I went the same time slot each week, I got to be a familiar face with the other regular volunteers - another mom also came with her disabled adult son each week, too. Plus a lot of vibrant retirees and then the occasional Girl Scout troop etc. Each week was different - maybe removing the labels from donated cans of food and replacing with the food bank generic labels,  or sorting through tons of donated bread and pastry from stores and discarding the stuff too old/moldy (went to a pig farm in Iowa - nothing wasted!) and then packing large boxes with assortments of breads (Joe loved doing this).  The warehouse played a 50/60s pop music station, folks chatted if they wanted to - it was fun!

 

My other son, Joe's twin, is bipolar (etc.) now and I like to point out to him how many folks on the WTM list have come forth with similar diagnoses and are functioning adults, married and with kids - gives him hope.  So let me give YOU reassurance that sorting food at the warehouse will be a positive experience.  If my son with autism can do it, anyone can.  Folks volunteering are a cheerful lot - they re getting out of the house and doing something worthy to help others.  Everyone helps newbies get started with whatever the task is for the day. And, if the task is not easy for you (like when everyone was sorting heavy donated hams in the cooler area and Joe could not lift them) another task is always at hand nearby (re-labeling cans is a never ending job).

 

You go volunteer and report back!! :-)

 

Oh, want to add, each time slot was three hours - but I told them Joe would probably only last two hours.  They were fine with us leaving whenever Joe had had enough.  So if you suddenly find you NEED to step away, the world won't end. 

Edited September 13, 2017 by JFSinIL

[J-rap]

You sound like a very self-aware person.  That is great!

 

Maybe start doing the one day very other month job, and see how that goes?

 

I agree with trying to approach it as though you're talking to a friend.  Imagine it's someone else who is having those anxious thoughts about the job.  Then your logical mind will probably kick in more easily.  You can tell your "friend" that this is an organization that gets new volunteers all the time, and they will be expecting to help you step-by-step.  They are used to lots and lots of questions.  And then, think about the people at the receiving end who will be benefitting from what you are doing!  If you don't like it, you can quit.  You're not signing any contracts.  

 

The neat thing is, after you do it even just once, it will probably feel 100 times more comfortable.

 

Best wishes to you!

[Night Elf]

Ok, October is the next month for my food donation. I'll try to work up the courage to go and help sort. I'm going to ask DH if he'll go as well but he may not want to do so. I'll at least have him drive me to the facility so I'm not anxious about finding it on the day.

[Pawz4me]

I think volunteering is SO worthwhile. Most places are thrilled to get whatever help they can. They aren't going to be critical or judgmental if it takes you a bit to get up to speed.

 

We've done stints at the local (huge) food bank. It's never been hard. They're good at giving clear instructions, and for the things that are tricky to remember (like how long past the expiration date certain things can still be used) there have always been plenty of printed "cheat sheets" around. They know people can't remember everything.

 

Good luck!

[Rachel]

Ok, October is the next month for my food donation. I'll try to work up the courage to go and help sort. I'm going to ask DH if he'll go as well but he may not want to do so. I'll at least have him drive me to the facility so I'm not anxious about finding it on the day.

Good luck! I hope it is a rewarding experience.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Good luck Beth!  :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Night Elf]

I'm rethinking the part-time job. I've contacted my local CVS drug store to see if they are hiring. I filled out the job application, which was LONG, and called the store manager but she was busy. I left my name and number and that it was about an application. We'll see if she calls me back. I worked in a drug store when I was in high school. They may not want to hire me because all the job information I put was clerical and all the education was early childhood. If they're looking for someone with experience, they won't consider me.

[Harriet Vane]

HI Beth--

 

Not sure where you'll end up, but I am confident you will gain some good experiences in the journey ahead of you. There is a world of nifty possibilities before you. Take your time and savor the experiences--I am confident you will find something that fits.

 

[Night Elf]

I truly appreciate all the good words y'all have shared. Thank you. They mean a lot. I feel so alone sometimes. I found a mental health forum but it's not very active.