Little angry vent- when homeschoolers judge

[zoobie]

In fact, my dh's closest friend doesn't know we're sending dd to school. He would be reprimanded greatly. I've only told one friend in my previous home town. She understands my life. No one else will know and there will be no first day of school pictures in Facebook. Sad really

 

 

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His closest "friend"?!?! These people aren't your friends. I'm sorry for the lack of support you're getting from these people with no boundaries and compassion! :grouphug:

[bethben]

His closest "friend"?!?! These people aren't your friends. I'm sorry for the lack of support you're getting from these people with no boundaries and compassion! :grouphug:

 

Well, this was the friend who also told him he was making a mistake to make sure I didn't get pregnant again.  Taking care of an older disabled child who needs full assistance is really hard on a body that is in it's 3rd trimester.  I did that when my son was 5 and that was hard enough.  Doing that when he was twice the size was just not going to happen and not permanently hurt my back.  We already had 4 kids including Miss Spirit who was in the throws of having a very hard time adjusting to our family (adopted at 2 1/2).  DH just ignored him.   Dh loves me. 

[bethben]

Also, I knew a change was in the works when we were watching a family that adopted a lot of kids - some with medical problems that didn't affect learning.  I didn't get the bug to adopt any more and was watching with a "good for them" attitude.  Then, they showed them all getting ready for school in the morning. The snarky comment that came out of my mouth was, "That's how they can adopt all those kids!  They all go to school!"  

[ktgrok]

Ugh. I do think sometimes the advice to just read books and do math is fine...for a short, temporary period. Your son being disabled is not temporary. This isn't like a pregnancy where you can take a few months off and then it will be over. 

 

But anyway, it doesn't matter. You are doing what works for your family. Period. 

[Joyofsixreboot]

So sorry. I hate the judgement and helpful advice. No one cares more for your child than you. Do what you need to.

 

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[MedicMom]

I have one homeschooled and one in public school. Two of my three are SN, though not as severe as your son.

We're all out here doing the best we can. I ignore people who don't have a clue how my life works.

[Peaceseeker]

I vote for broadcast it loud and proud. Shout it out- My kid is going to public school! Because probably several moms you know secretly wonder about the possibility and wish they were brave enough to take the chance.

 

It works the same way when you announce loud and proud you will homeschool. Lots of judgement and whispers but there are always those few moms who hear and think "Could I do that?" Live your truth and inspire others to live theirs. You have nothing to be ashamed of either way.

 

I guarantee there is another mom you know struggling out there who might be encouraged by your example. Sometimes there is just way too much pressure to keep homeschooling even when it is not a good fit. It's not a cult people sheesh...we can leave when we want to!

Edited June 29, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[gaillardia]

:grouphug:  Plus, your dh needs a new friend. People really need to mind their own business. You're amazing to have been able to do what you have done with so many challenges. That's it. Amazing. We are all cheering you on. You do what works for your family.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[momacacia]

And good for your for keeping your "we should all homeschool" opinions to yourself. Sharing her "DIL with kids in private school, and homeschoolers who use k12 in high school are so bad, and I can't believe they're using common core there!" is coming back to bite her in the butt because both of her daughters are putting their kids in public school. Keep your mouth shut or have better foresight.

[Guest]

Ummm...I'm thinking of putting my dd in school.  :leaving: I guess that makes me a bad Mom, huh?  :glare:  I'm burned out and cannot take the fighting anymore.

 

I don't have anywhere near the challenges you face, dear bethben, but I can relate to feeling over stretched and worn down. 

 

People are idiots. Homeschoolers, sadly, most of all at times.

[bethben]

Here's the rub.  I have many many many examples of people who have homeschooled despite very difficult situations.  And they all lived in a school district with high ranking schools.  I was no different.  I felt at the time that homeschooling was superior to public school regardless of the situation.  After all, I had all these examples.  Mom had cancer and was so tired she slept a lot?  Still homeschooled.  Tons and tons of kids - 2nd grader still not reading because there was not enough of mom to go around - no learning issues?  Still homeschool.  Mom working full time so family doesn't starve.  11 year old watches younger siblings.  Still homeschool.  Marriage on the rocks because mom is totally burnt out from homeschooling.  Still homeschool.  Mom has mental health issues? Still homeschool.  Child in hospital due to cancer - always at the hospital?  Still homeschool.  

 

But then, I had a friend who sent her homeschooled children to the high school.  I kept my mouth shut thinking she was doing the wrong thing.  Of course I didn't have kids that age and didn't understand the challenges of homeschooling high school.  One of her daughters is a very talented artist.  She was able to really learn a lot from some great art teachers at the local high school.  Homeschooling could not have given her that.  So far, both of the children that graduated from the high school are strong strong Christians - something which I was told could never happen if you didn't homeschool.

 

My whole school worldview has been blown up because we really feel like God has lead us to send our dd to school.  It's one of those moments where you start to question everything you've believed for a long long time.  I haven't gone to a homeschool convention since we moved because all I saw was a lot of fear talking.  A lot of seminars on how to keep your children basically away from worldly ideas.  I don't need that!  I have yet to meet a homeschooler who has attended that convention.   In our new location, I have many friends who jump in and out of the public/charter school system for various reasons and various children.  They know what we're doing and they support it.  

 

 

[winterbaby]

In fact, my dh's closest friend doesn't know we're sending dd to school. He would be reprimanded greatly. I've only told one friend in my previous home town. She understands my life. No one else will know and there will be no first day of school pictures in Facebook. Sad really

 

 

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I wouldn't consider someone I had to hide a major basic detail of how my life is set up from to be a friend.

 

Frankly, it sounds like your circles are influenced by a lot of religious legalism and judgment. I know how hard it can be to find new people once you hit a certain stage in life. But I hope you can find some gentler voices. Try to feed whatever relationships you have access to with people who are not influenced in this way.

 

[JudoMom]

I'm glad you're getting support out here, and the only people I know who've ever gone to that convention was because they worked for a company and they had to go, and I've lived here 21 years.  

You're doing the right thing.  You rock, and that other person is a self-absorbed ninny.

[Lady Florida.]

In fact, my dh's closest friend doesn't know we're sending dd to school. He would be reprimanded greatly. I've only told one friend in my previous home town. She understands my life. No one else will know and there will be no first day of school pictures in Facebook. Sad really

 

 

 

 

It sounds like you and your dh both need new friends. His friend would "reprimand" him. Sorry, that's none of his business. You and your dh decide what's best for your children, not your or his friends. These people need a life.

 

As for facebook, you have every right to post proud first day of school photos if you so desire. If people say anything you can either reply harshly to them or just delete their comments.

 

:grouphug:

[bethben]

DH is a stable guy. He won't be swayed even if his friend thinks DH is wrong. This decision has been a long time coming. We moved in part to have other options than just homeschooling without any support.

 

 

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[linders]

We homeschooled for 8 years. For 8 years I was very, very careful to say homeschooling was the right thing for us, right now, and that other educational options might be perfect for other families. I tried to deal gently with the B&M schoolers who seemed to think my choice was a criticism of them (not!)

 

Now my DC go to private school. I catch grief from homeschoolers - you were doing so much more at home! - and public schoolers - our public schools are good enough! Honestly, can't win.

[wintermom]

Perhaps I missed some information. I'm confused as to why your family's choices in school options is public knowledge at all. If you announced this on fb, then expect some debate I guess. Isn't fb and other social media created so your can get comments from all your "friends?" 

 

We're sending our youngest to the local catholic school. We verbally told family, mainly because there are some family at the school so they'd find out anyway. That's about all who know, and they didn't even need to know. Pretty much the school was the only ones who needed to know.

 

[SquirrellyMama]

I remember when a mom in our hs group told everyone that they were sending their kids to ps the next year. Oh, the horror stories they told her, the grief they were giving her.

 

I'll admit that I laughed at first because it was a train wreck. Then I saw tears, and had to remind everyone that she had come for support, not grief.

 

I sent 2 of mine this past year. It was the best thing for us. I have no regrets. Good luck and hugs!

 

Kelly

[bethben]

Perhaps I missed some information. I'm confused as to why your family's choices in school options is public knowledge at all. If you announced this on fb, then expect some debate I guess. Isn't fb and other social media created so your can get comments from all your "friends?" 

 

We're sending our youngest to the local catholic school. We verbally told family, mainly because there are some family at the school so they'd find out anyway. That's about all who know, and they didn't even need to know. Pretty much the school was the only ones who needed to know.

 

Didn't announce it on Facebook.  Was replying to the over-eager homeschooler who responded to a person's question about available Christian schools in the area suggesting that not everyone could homeschool (basically).

[EmilyGF]

I'm sending one kid to school next year (and was at a homeschooling conference last week where the greeting was basically to ask what you were doing with each kid for homeschooling this coming year). 

 

I found that saying, "I've got kids in 7, 5, and 3 at home and a K-er going to school next year. This'll be a big adventure for us but we're confident this is the best option for our family right now" really helped people realize I wasn't judging them. If they pried, I would say, "Here is a huge list of things we've tried and we just haven't found them to be effective enough for us to not give this option a try." If they pressed more, I would continue with, "Our good friends love this school." 

 

I think a key to not getting judged (for me) is to be â€‹absolutely clear up front that I am not judging them​. I believe many (most?) people are insecure and feel they need to prove themselves. Being a lone homeschooler at church means that most of my peers think I'm judging them (I'm not) and I find I always accidentally make the most judgemental comments to the woman who has made it clear she judges me (she outright told me she thinks homeschooling is wrong). When someone walks out of line, you tend to reexamine your choices and want to justify them which often leads to judgmental comments.

 

Personally, with all the homeschoolers I've told, even the very ideological ones, I've had very positive reactions.

​Emily

[Alessandra]

The problem with too many hs'ers in this country is that they are so brainwashed and self involved that they truly don't believe that public education is a GOOD thing. But common sense should make it obvious that sending a child to school is GOOD. Paying taxes to support schools for everyone is DEMOCRATIC and AMERICAN and GOOD. The ability to pay almost nothing for qualified professionals to teach your child is a blessing. And every child in our country has a right to an education.

 

There are hs'ers who are so backward and ignorant that they truly do believe their children are better off at home, learning nothing and/or being miserable, with parents who are poverty stricken and/or overworked, rather than being enrolled in a SCHOOL. I am so far over this uncouth philosophy that I can't even stand to be in the same conversation with such people anymore.

 

Bethben, I hope your daughter has a wonderful year of learning, and that she will make friends and enjoy her school days. You are a great mom.

Tibbie has put this so well.

 

I also wanted to add that hs vs ps is not always either/or. Many ps parents here supplement ps or enrich. Many hs parents use ps for a class or an activity, if that is allowed. Sometimes, it's just an attitude -- playing educational tapes in the car, watching documentaries, taking field trips -- that either type of parent can have. Parents can be intellectually curious or intellectually lazy, whether they have kids in hs or ps. And so many parents here choose different routes for the individual children in their families.

 

Good luck, Bethben.

[Soror]

(hugs)

 

You don't owe anyone an explanation.

You don't have to have a reason to send the kids to school.

You don't have to have a reason to homeschool.

 

I hope ps works out well to you and is a great blessing. I hope that you feel some of your stress lighten.