What do for a family who has lost a baby

[PrairieSong]

Someone I know just lost their baby boy at almost 36 weeks. [emoji26] After crying my eyes out, I want to do something for them. I live over two hours away but will probably drive there at some point, depending on what the family wants. One of our dds goes to the university in their town. I thought of asking her to deliver a food basket or maybe a gift card to a restaurant for takeout or something.

 

Also, what should I say??? I don't want to say, "Your baby is in a better place" but what should I say/do? Give hugs and say, "I'm so sorry." ? I don't remember ever having someone close to me lose a baby so near the due date, or lose a newborn. If they have a funeral I will probably go.

 

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[happypamama]

First, I am so sorry. Losing a baby is the hardest thing I've ever been through.

 

Ask before you visit. I wasn't up for a lot of visitors and still am not doing a lot of socializing. Otoh, some people want a lot of people around. Just ask.

 

Food and necessities (paper plates and towels) are good. See if there is a meal train. Gift cards for food and money to help with expenses are nice too. It all adds up.

 

If you're in a position to do so, see if they have practical needs. Can you return library books (and make explanations to the librarians about what happened), or run other errands, or help entertain older children? My little guy didn't have a lot of paperwork to handle, but there are still loose ends to tie up and phone calls to make. It was nice having people here to help with my other young ones.

 

Go to the funeral if they have one. Bring tissues. But they might not. I knew I couldn't handle public grieving, plus my son was so young that most people hadn't met him. Everyone who would have come to a service in support of us was already supporting us. Again, if you know their older kids well enough to step in, that might be welcome at the funeral.

 

What to say? "I'm sorry. This is lousy." Say their baby's name. He's real. Even if they believe he's in a better place, that's not going to be much comfort in the short term. I KNOW my son got the better end of the deal, and I'm grateful that he did, but the reality is that I still miss him and wish I had him back. If they're religious, they may have especially complicated feelings, and if it was anything related to the mom's health, she may have some serious guilt issues. (My little boy died because of complications from my preeclampsia; while I'm grateful I'm here with my other children, it's not easy to let go of the mommy guilt.) Just listen to their rants and raves without judgment.

 

If you're comfortable with it, ask to hear about him, or ask to see pictures. Tell them he's beautiful, even if he's not classically so. Let them talk about him or his birth or whatever. Cry with them. Nobody else, maybe not even DH, quite gets how I feel about my baby, but it means the world to me that people here and other places cry and grieve with us. It means my baby matters outside of my heart. (For what to say, you can read all the comments from Hive members on my lengthy NICU thread -- they all said comforting, kind, loving things.)

 

As time goes on, check in with them. Just let them know you haven't forgotten them. I have appreciated friends who have checked in with me and who have issued standing orders to get together whenever I'm ready. I love that they are letting me be my introverted self while reminding me that I'm loved. One asked when my due date is and if she can check in on me that week. I love that she cares enough to do that. Text messages/FB/email have been great because I can control my emotions better, but some people prefer phone calls. If this is their only child, Mother's Day and Father's Day may be especially difficult, so maybe send a card on those days just to acknowledge that they are indeed parents. Realize that holidays, especially the first year, are going to be hard.

 

If they try for another baby, they may have an anxious pregnancy, and they may induce early. It may not make sense to you, and they may get naysaying from other friends and family. Be the person who says, "Do what you need to do for your peace of mind, and I'll be here to pray for you and to cheer for your rainbow baby."

Edited March 2, 2017 by happypamama

[Junie]

Hugs to you, Happypamama.

 

 

I know a family who lost their first child at 38 weeks, iirc.  We gave them a gift card to a restaurant.  I didn't know what else to do.  Later, the mother thanked me for it and said it was wonderful to have the time with her husband when they could just talk.  

[Guest]

Everything HappyPAMama said.

 

For what to say, just say, "I'm so sorry." You can usually say, "I wish I could fix this" or similar wishing statements. My sister hugged me hard and sobbed, "I wish I could take this pain away from you." That meant so much to me; she wanted to take *my* pain, even though she also lost a niece.

 

I agree so much with checking in from time to time, or sending a card or note on anniversary or other important dates. My baby died right before Mother's Day, May 6th. Mother's Day has been tinged with sorrow to me ever since because I just can't think of Mother's Day without also thinking about my baby I did not get to raise.

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: to all.

[happypamama]

Are you close to their extended family at all, like the baby's aunts and uncles? Sadly, I was a bereaved aunt eleven years before I was a bereaved mama. That was hard in a different way. It was my niece, but she wasn't my baby; my babies were both safely with me, and it felt presumptuous to hurt. But I did hurt. And I felt like I needed to be there for my brother and for our younger two siblings and my parents too. If you can be there for other family members, that would be good.

[Jaz]

I'm sorry.

 

You can send many restaurant and store giftcards through email. Perhaps you could send a giftcard each week to let them know you're thinking of them. 

[MistyMountain]

I also just had a friend who lost their baby late term. I am wondering what I can do too. I do not live near them.

[PrairieSong]

Are you close to their extended family at all, like the baby's aunts and uncles? Sadly, I was a bereaved aunt eleven years before I was a bereaved mama. That was hard in a different way. It was my niece, but she wasn't my baby; my babies were both safely with me, and it felt presumptuous to hurt. But I did hurt. And I felt like I needed to be there for my brother and for our younger two siblings and my parents too. If you can be there for other family members, that would be good.

Happypamama, I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby! That happened, I think, around the time my dad was in the hospital so I wasn't on here much. I remember reading about it after the fact. My condolences to you and all your family!!

 

I am close to the mom's side of the family, especially her mother. I might go see her this weekend, even if her daughter and SIL don't feel up to visitors. That is okay. She's going to call me today (grandma of the baby) so I'll see what she wants me to do. I've met the dad's family but don't know them well. If I go, I will probably bring food, some for the grandma and some for the mom and dad and their two young children. If they don't want visitors, the grandma can take it over for me.

 

They are having some kind of service, but I don't know yet when it is. I plan to go to that.

 

 

 

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[macmacmoo]

We lost out son Matthew at 38 weeks.

 

.Everyone wanted to relate: I had a miscarriage or I knew someone. When it was still very very raw I didn't want to hear the comparison. 

 

At various stages talking helped, but at some point I felt everyone wanted me to move on.

 

Something to do but help dwell. I took up smocking and made a half dozen bereavement gowns before my post 6 week postpartum.

 

For friends who have lost or miscarried I've sent them a no sew tie blanket kit and a meal. 

 

 

quote that has comforted me a lot of the years: ‘Take no heavier lift of your children, than your Lord alloweth; give them room beside your heart, but not in the yolk of your heart, where Christ should be; for then they are your idols, not your bairns. If your Lord take any of them home to his house before the storm come on, take it well, the owner of the orchard may take down two or three apples off his own trees, before midsummer, and ere they get the harvest sun; and it would not be seemly that his servant, the gardener, should chide him for it. Let our Lord pluck his own fruit at any season he pleaseth; they are not lost to you, they are laid up so well, as that they are coffered in heaven, where our Lord’s best jewels lie.’ -Samuel Rutherford

Edited March 2, 2017 by macmacmoo

[Home'scool]

A close friend of mine lost her 11 year old daughter when she was abducted and murdered. They did not find her body for 10 years.

 

According to her, the best and only thing you should say is "I'm so sorry." Certain situations cannot be made better by words, no matter how kind or well-intentioned. Most of the time those words cause more hurt. Just say "I'm so sorry"

 

When my husband's niece died at age 3 I decided to have a book donated in her name to their local library every year on her birthday. It only costs about $10 and the librarian was really great about helping pick out books (I always had the book correspond to what age she would have been had she lived.) They put a really nice name plaque on the inside of the book with whatever inscription we wanted. I felt like it helped the family remember that people were not forgetting their child. I think sometimes that is the biggest fear for parents who have lost a child.

[2_girls_mommy]

I agree with just saying sorry. My first child passed away as an infant. There isn't anything you can say. One thing I remember is that after a bit people quit mentioning the child. They figure the child was young, the family will move on. But the grief is the same with losing an infant as with losing anyone. 20 plus years later, I still have a child missing, a missing place in our family pictures. I do know she is in a better place. But that doesn't mean I don't grieve not getting to know her and raise her here.

 

I have one cousin that has sent a card, called, or texted every year for 23 years on her birthday. Not one other person, even my own mother has remembered her like that. And it means a lot. 

 

Just the fact that she remembers her and talks about her is amazing. 

[Guest]

I agree with just saying sorry. My first child passed away as an infant. There isn't anything you can say. One thing I remember is that after a bit people quit mentioning the child. They figure the child was young, the family will move on. But the grief is the same with losing an infant as with losing anyone. 20 plus years later, I still have a child missing, a missing place in our family pictures. I do know she is in a better place. But that doesn't mean I don't grieve not getting to know her and raise her here.

 

I have one cousin that has sent a card, called, or texted every year for 23 years on her birthday. Not one other person, even my own mother has remembered her like that. And it means a lot.

 

Just the fact that she remembers her and talks about her is amazing.

What an incredibly kind and thoughtful person your cousin is. That is such a special thing, to never quit, to keep readsuring.

[PrairieSong]

The baby's funeral is tomorrow. I'm attending and bringing cookies and potato salad to the grandma's house where she will be hosting family members afterward. She said I could spend the night but I'll play it by ear. If my presence seems helpful I'll stay.

 

It will be a hard day, but I think being there for a grieving family is important, more important than words.

 

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[itsheresomewhere]

One of the nicest things my friends have talked about was having someone send them a thinking of you card a few weeks and months down the road.  It really comforted someone I am close to to receive that card.  It make her feel that the loss still mattered.  Just a simple thinking of you card.

[Lorien]

I know this is different because we didn't lose our baby so close to my due date, but when we miscarried (at 21 weeks) the most comforting thing anyone said was simply, "I'm sorry." Others tried to be consoling and offered words of reassurance, "This is the Lord's will," or "baby is in a better place", but to a grieving family that wasn't comforting at all! We knew those things were true, but we wanted that better place to be in our arms! Then that one person came along and simply said, "I'm so sorry" and it was a huge comfort.

 

Also, for me, it hurts that no one mentions the lost baby. He was just as real as our other children, but no one speaks of him because well, he's not here. His presence is missed though and it would mean a lot to have someone else notice that he's not here! So, it might bring tears, but don't be afraid to talk of him! I know others have said this too, it's just worth repeating!

[PrairieSong]

One of the nicest things my friends have talked about was having someone send them a thinking of you card a few weeks and months down the road. It really comforted someone I am close to to receive that card. It make her feel that the loss still mattered. Just a simple thinking of you card.

I thought about doing this, especially since I am over two hours away, but I wondered if it would bring more pain than healing. I would gladly do it if I thought it would be helpful.

 

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[PrairieSong]

I know this is different because we didn't lose our baby so close to my due date, but when we miscarried (at 21 weeks) the most comforting thing anyone said was simply, "I'm sorry." Others tried to be consoling and offered words of reassurance, "This is the Lord's will," or "baby is in a better place", but to a grieving family that wasn't comforting at all! We knew those things were true, but we wanted that better place to be in our arms! Then that one person came along and simply said, "I'm so sorry" and it was a huge comfort.

 

Also, for me, it hurts that no one mentions the lost baby. He was just as real as our other children, but no one speaks of him because well, he's not here. His presence is missed though and it would mean a lot to have someone else notice that he's not here! So, it might bring tears, but don't be afraid to talk of him! I know others have said this too, it's just worth repeating!

I am sorry for the loss of your baby!

 

I completely agree. No one wants to hear he/she is in a better place even if they believe that is true. They want to know others care, and are walking this hard path alongside them.

 

 

 

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[EMS83]

I second the  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  to all. 

[Pink and Green Mom]

I know this isn't the same thing, but one of my best friends lost her two teens in a car accident.  One thing I really didn't know was how incredibly expensive a funeral is, especially if it is unexpected.  If you are able, in addition to the other things mentioned, I would see if there has been a collection taken up to help offset the costs of this.  Or maybe contact the funeral home directly?

 

I know too that my friend expressed how overwhelmed they were with meals, visitors, etc in the firsts 4-6 weeks. It was almost too much.  But at the 6 week or so mark everything stopped.  And that was just the time my friend and her husband came off of autopilot and the magnitude of their loss just increased exponentially.  I know it really meant a lot to my friend that some were there with meals, a shoulder to cry on, and a willing ear to listen weeks/months/years later.  She was so grateful to anyone that would talk about her kids/listen to her talk about her kids weeks/months/years later, because most people assumed it would hurt too much but that was the time she really needed to talk or hear others talk about her children.

 

Hugs to you, and to all the other moms, sisters, aunts, etc who have been touched by tragedy.