Help me process this, please

[saraha]

So usually, I process emotions with my dh, bless his heart, but he is busy/not here, so I am hoping you all can help me get some perspective.

 

So my mother.  She has a difficult personality to get along with.  We have had some very negative interactions in the last few years.  We are down to visiting her at her house 3 times a year and carpooling to my sister's once a year the weekend before Christmas.  One of the times we visit is Christmas Eve.  After every visit, she finds something to complain about, with me or the kids.  Never my dh, she LOVES him.  Anyway, this Christmas Eve went perfect.  We went to church with her (she got to show us off to her friends, this is big for her), had a nice dinner, opened nice gifts, came home. It was really nice and I was so relieved.

Now, there has been this running joke (at least the kids and I thought it was) about this talking plastic reindeer in her bathroom that tells bathroom/Christmas jokes and is light/motion activated.  The kids always turn it off when we are there and she comes out and says "Who turned off my reindeer?!?" and the kids laugh blah blah.  Anyway, this year, I decided to stick it under the bathroom sink, as a joke.  Today, 5 days later when she is cleaning her bathroom, she finds it. (She hadn't actually missed it I think) She called me up and asked who hid her reindeer.  I started laughing and said I didn't know, but I wasn't going to tell.  I totally thought it was a joke.  She was seriously mad.  She yelled, "I didn't think it was a joke.  I already taped up the Christmas box and took it out to the garage!"  She literally had 1 box of decorations. Then she hung up on me.  Well, due to history with her, I called her right back and told her I did it (I didn't want her to think the kids did it so she could tell her friends and whoever) and she yelled again and then hung up on me.  So of course I burst out crying and saying "I knew it was too good! It had been too good of a visit!" and now I am in that stage where I feel like, why can't she just roll her eyes and mention it sometime that she doesn't want us to touch/move her stuff instead of freaking out.  And I am mad at myself for not just rolling my eyes and going on instead of having this big emotional reaction.

 

Ugh. there thanks for letting me vent. Family and Christmas, I am so over it

[PrincessMommy]

hugs.  I'm sorry it had to end that way.  :grouphug:

[Just Kate]

That really stinks! I'm really sorry...family things are just so hard.

[Anne in CA]

Uggg. I do get it. My mom has a lot of anxiety and we never have a smooth relationship. I'm sorry. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

While I agree that what you did was a lighthearted joke, I don't understand why you would do it with someone who you don't have a lighthearted joking relationship with. It seems like she doesn't really like the kids turning off her reindeer to begin with. Some people really don't want others messing with their stuff and it would be kind to respect that.

 

 

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[katilac]

Some people have a strong tendency to want to stay in their comfort zone, to the point where they prefer the familiar over the good. Subconsciously, she may have had the same feeling that the visit was 'too good' and so she normalized things by having a nice big holiday complaint. 

 

Or she has a touch of OCD and truly lost it a little when all the decorations were not where they were supposed to be. Either way, try not to let it linger in your mind. It was a silly thing for her to yell about. 

 

I wouldn't assume that this means she doesn't like the kids turning off the reindeer, that sounds like a very typical and silly tradition between grandkids and grandparents. If you want to make sure, you can ask, but not now - just wait till the next holiday season and say you want to make sure it doesn't really bother her before you let them do it again. 

 

It sometimes helps me to reframe an event as a story I might tell in the future: Remember the year grandma lost her shit when I hid that talking reindeer?? 

[Rebel Yell]

While I agree that what you did was a lighthearted joke, I don't understand why you would do it with someone who you don't have a lighthearted joking relationship with. It seems like she doesn't really like the kids turning off her reindeer to begin with. Some people really don't want others messing with their stuff and it would be kind to respect that.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

While I agree that it is usually best to not be playfully joking with people you don't have that kind of relationship with, from the original post it sounds to me like the reindeer has been the tiny shred of levity for a few seasons now... not a new thing.

 

Sometimes difficult relationships have that one small thing that can be joked about. With my difficult person it is, believe it or not, compliments about a meal. If s/he asks if something is good, any of us can answer that it doesn't matter what we say, s/he won't believe us anyway. It's harder to explain than I thought it would be, but trust me, there is nothing else we can truly joke with them about, but this somehow works.

 

But I'm sure, like the OP, someday it suddenly won't be OK for some unforeseeable reason. And I will react exactly how the OP did...

 

:grouphug:

[almondbutterandjelly]

((hugs)) That would totally happen to me, if I dared to move her stuff.  You are not alone.

[Mimm]

Honestly, it sounds like she's unable to cope with a completely peaceful Christmas so she picked something small to freak out about.

[Alicia64]

I totally understand what you did. You'd had a successful holiday w/ her and assumed everything was cool. I think a lot of us who have difficult parent relationships yearn for normalcy. You were acting normal: having fun and being silly.

 

Based on her history of difficulty: she's just looking for reasons to be a jerk. If you've never Googled "Cycle of Domestic Violence," now would be a great time. Abuse doesn't have to be hitting, it can be metal abuse too.

 

Usually people like your mom will find anything: you know I hate broccoli! How could you make it knowing I'd be here today? You know that ornament reminds me of my brother! How could you put it out knowing it would upset me? Who moved my reindeer?? (Which is ridiculous, btw.)

 

And please don't be mad at yourself. Nobody just rolls their eyes when someone calls and freaks out at them. She is meaning for you to have a reaction so she amps herself up. You're normal.

 

Even if the holiday was perfect, these people will find something to "go off" about.

 

PM me if you want more info. And take care of yourself. The fact that you've whittled down time to seeing her rarely during the year speaks volumes about how difficult -- let's be honest, mean -- she is.

 

Alley

 

 

[Alice]

:grouphug: I know how you feel. I had a similar time with my Mom. Thought everything went well for once. They told dh and I to go out on the 26th to a movie and lunch. We went (they genuinely do like babysitting the kids). Came home and she was livid about something small that had happened while we were gone. She was actually mad at my Dad but then that blew up into all kinds of things she brought up that I had done "wrong" as well. 

 

For me, I can tell myself intellectually that she is wrong and it's not me. I can try to just move on and set boundaries. I can try and focus on my dh and kids and not let her words hurt. But they still do. I think just acknowledging that it hurts and that it's normal to want a normal relationship helps a little. It's still good to try and now let it get to you but it's ok if it does get to you a little. Does that make any kind of sense? 

[saraha]

The reindeer turning off thing has been an ongoing joke with the kids.  I am the one to step it up, my mistake.

 

 There has been a Christmas miracle however.  She called this morning and after talking about nothing for a while, she APOLOGIZED for yelling at me/hanging up on me and said she hoped she didn't hurt my feelings, then said she had another call and hung up.  I was truly speechless.  I think I sat there for a whole minute with my mouth hanging open.  She is never wrong, ever, and in my entire adult life, I never remember her apologizing for anything. Not even when she had truly been wrong and horrible.  Not even small things like Oops, sorry, didn't mean to bump into you.  It is always, why are you standing in my way, I wouldn't have bumped into if you hadn't been in my way. And she apologized this morning.  I am so pleasantly shocked!

[saraha]

I totally understand what you did. You'd had a successful holiday w/ her and assumed everything was cool. I think a lot of us who have difficult parent relationships yearn for normalcy. You were acting normal: having fun and being silly.

 

Based on her history of difficulty: she's just looking for reasons to be a jerk. If you've never Googled "Cycle of Domestic Violence," now would be a great time. Abuse doesn't have to be hitting, it can be metal abuse too.

 

Usually people like your mom will find anything: you know I hate broccoli! How could you make it knowing I'd be here today? You know that ornament reminds me of my brother! How could you put it out knowing it would upset me? Who moved my reindeer?? (Which is ridiculous, btw.)

 

And please don't be mad at yourself. Nobody just rolls their eyes when someone calls and freaks out at them. She is meaning for you to have a reaction so she amps herself up. You're normal.

 

Even if the holiday was perfect, these people will find something to "go off" about.

 

PM me if you want more info. And take care of yourself. The fact that you've whittled down time to seeing her rarely during the year speaks volumes about how difficult -- let's be honest, mean -- she is.

 

Alley

This accurately describes it

[katilac]

I just saw this update - so glad your mom stepped up to the plate and apologized! It sounds like that was a huge step for her. 

[saraha]

 

It sometimes helps me to reframe an event as a story I might tell in the future: Remember the year grandma lost her shit when I hid that talking reindeer?? 

 

This makes me chuckle every time I think about it

[Janie Grace]

Hugs. My mom is like yours. She sent me an email this morning that made me cry. I was wound up about it all day, sent her a trying-to-make-it-better email, etc. Thankfully dh was home and I could talk it through with him and he reminded me that she is crazy and it is NOT ME.

 

What I did (I haven't told her our summer plans yet which must mean we don't love her or want to see her) was NOT mean. What you did was NOT mean. I think some people need to get angry in order to feel loved (by making someone else feel bad and apologize). It is messed up and wrong and it hurts like heck but we cannot expect people like this to be normal or easygoing or balanced. They are "off" somehow and we get to figure out how to navigate that and protect our own hearts at the same time. It's really hard. 

 

I'm so happy to hear she apologized. 

[kbutton]

The reindeer turning off thing has been an ongoing joke with the kids.  I am the one to step it up, my mistake.

 

 There has been a Christmas miracle however.  She called this morning and after talking about nothing for a while, she APOLOGIZED for yelling at me/hanging up on me and said she hoped she didn't hurt my feelings, then said she had another call and hung up.  I was truly speechless.  I think I sat there for a whole minute with my mouth hanging open.  She is never wrong, ever, and in my entire adult life, I never remember her apologizing for anything. Not even when she had truly been wrong and horrible.  Not even small things like Oops, sorry, didn't mean to bump into you.  It is always, why are you standing in my way, I wouldn't have bumped into if you hadn't been in my way. And she apologized this morning.  I am so pleasantly shocked!

 

Not to minimize anything, but this is how my spectrum kiddo reacts to things if he's not totally in control of himself. I mention it in case there is a chance it would be helpful information for you. Also people with ASD tend to have some level of anxiety (and some people have discussed it really being the most debilitating one).

 

:grouphug:

 

I am glad she apologized.