Loowit Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 DH's family has a tradition that everyone gets Christmas gifts for everyone else in the family. This goes back several generations of family members and is just how things are done. One year MIL and her sisters talked about doing something different to save money, but decided to stick with tradition. So each year we buy presents for all. We haven't always had a lot of money, but I do put a lot of thought into the gifts. The last couple of years DH's siblings have not gotten presents for our family. It has been a bit awkward to be honest. I don't really care about presents for DH and myself, we are fine with whatever. But I know my kid's feelings were a bit hurt over the whole thing, especially because up until then the two aunts (DH"s sister and BIL's wife) would compete to be coolest aunt and would buy expensive, fun gifts. And if I am honest my feelings were hurt, because the presents we bought for DH's siblings and families never got acknowledged in any way even though I know for sure they received them. Last year I made each nephew a handmade quilt that took months. This year I am inclined to not get them anything. We would still get a present for DH's parents, but I want to skip the others since they seem to want to. DH wants to send an email to his siblings to ask what they want to do about presents but has no idea how to phrase it. We will not be seeing any of them this year because we will be with my family, but we could send the presents with DH's parents who are going to be seeing them. I know that gifts are, in theory, given without any expectation of return, but in practice it seems like Christmas gifts is an exchange. So I am stuck pondering what to do and contemplating a lot of what if's. Like, what happens if we don't get them anything and they decide to get us stuff. Then I would feel horrible. If it were my family I would just straight out ask what the plan is, in fact we do that every year, but DH isn't particularly close to his siblings and he feels uncomfortable asking about it and isn't sure how to phrase it diplomatically. I guess I am just hoping for some gentle suggestions/advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 When my family dropped presents for adult siblings and cousins, we had a discussion about it in September or October. If this is the direction you want to go, contact your sibling now. I think one of us started the conversation with "in the interest of finances, we were thinking of dropping the present exchange tradition." After the first sibling brought it up the other siblings jumped at it. Apparently, everyone had wanted to stop for a while. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 The question that immediatly pops into my mind is - why did they stop giving the gifts? It sounds like there was no break in relations otherwise. I would suspect that maybe they were finding it a burden, but for some reason didn't want to bring it up for discussion, and thought just going ahead would be simplest? That seems odd, did they have some reason not to mention it to your dh? In any case, I would go ahead and not get the gifts, it sounds like the others would prefer not to exchange them any more. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 The question that immediatly pops into my mind is - why did they stop giving the gifts? It sounds like there was no break in relations otherwise. I would suspect that maybe they were finding it a burden, but for some reason didn't want to bring it up for discussion, and thought just going ahead would be simplest? That seems odd, did they have some reason not to mention it to your dh? In any case, I would go ahead and not get the gifts, it sounds like the others would prefer not to exchange them any more. I agree. I think they are sending the message about what they prefer. Maybe they also found it too awkward to talk about. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 If they dropped the gift give, I would follow suit without a 2nd thought. I do think it's nice if a discussion can be had but if they just dropped, I would follow their lead. If your DH really wanted to e-mail and follow up, I would e-mail "Since X and Y choose not to exchange with us last year, we thought this might be a good time to tighten our belts a little and not exchange either." As someone who does hand made gifts at times, I'm sorry they didn't at least acknowledge receipt of the quilts! I can't imagine how many hours you must have had it to that! :( I hope they are treasuring them even if they said nothing. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 It seems the siblings don't want to participate in an exchange, given the lack of gifts from their side and the lack of acknowledgement of your gift. So I would just end it this year. OTOH, when my siblings and I got down to just exchanging gift cards, I suggested we just skip getting each other gifts and we were all OK with that, so you might want to bring it up very directly. DH's family has a tradition that everyone gets Christmas gifts for everyone else in the family. This goes back several generations of family members and is just how things are done. One year MIL and her sisters talked about doing something different to save money, but decided to stick with tradition. So each year we buy presents for all. We haven't always had a lot of money, but I do put a lot of thought into the gifts. The last couple of years DH's siblings have not gotten presents for our family. It has been a bit awkward to be honest. I don't really care about presents for DH and myself, we are fine with whatever. But I know my kid's feelings were a bit hurt over the whole thing, especially because up until then the two aunts (DH"s sister and BIL's wife) would compete to be coolest aunt and would buy expensive, fun gifts. And if I am honest my feelings were hurt, because the presents we bought for DH's siblings and families never got acknowledged in any way even though I know for sure they received them. Last year I made each nephew a handmade quilt that took months. This year I am inclined to not get them anything. We would still get a present for DH's parents, but I want to skip the others since they seem to want to. DH wants to send an email to his siblings to ask what they want to do about presents but has no idea how to phrase it. We will not be seeing any of them this year because we will be with my family, but we could send the presents with DH's parents who are going to be seeing them. I know that gifts are, in theory, given without any expectation of return, but in practice it seems like Christmas gifts is an exchange. So I am stuck pondering what to do and contemplating a lot of what if's. Like, what happens if we don't get them anything and they decide to get us stuff. Then I would feel horrible. If it were my family I would just straight out ask what the plan is, in fact we do that every year, but DH isn't particularly close to his siblings and he feels uncomfortable asking about it and isn't sure how to phrase it diplomatically. I guess I am just hoping for some gentle suggestions/advice. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendy not in HI Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 (edited) That is really uncomfortable. I wonder if a quick email sent out in the next couple of days is the way to go? Your dh can send a note to his siblings to say something like "We are no longer planning to exchange christmas gifts among siblings and cousins. We have enjoyed the tradition, but we are planning to focus on our own family this year. Merry Christmas." Simple and to the point. No blame of past un-involvement. If that seems to harsh, you could do a simple family gift to each family - homemade treats, a hot cocoa gift pack, or redbox certificate and popcorn, something that says Merry Christmas to the fam without the pressure of a real gift? The sort of thing you would give a neighbor or teacher. About 5 years ago my dh's parents stopped sending christmas gifts to our family. No card. No gifts for their grand kids or any of us. It is really strange, because I know they still give gifts to their children and grandkids and even great-grandkids who live near them. I still send our card and I send some sort of food basket. They don't usually even let me know that they received it. I also started putting a tag on the books that I give the kids and say it is from grandma. She loves to read. And I want them to feel like their grandma remembers them (even if she doesn't) maybe that's wrong, but it seems to have made my dh feel better. It hurts his feelings that his parents have completely skipped us! (this is just me commiserating with you - it hurts when family doesn't acknowledge a gift) Edited December 1, 2016 by wendy not in HI 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 Since they stopped gifting without a word, I would follow suit. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loowit Posted December 1, 2016 Author Share Posted December 1, 2016 Thanks everyone. I will talk to DH a bit more about it. I kind of like the idea of just doing a simple family gift and calling it good, but not sure who DH would feel about it. The easiest would be a tray of cookies and candies, but my SIL is diabetic. Maybe a board game for each family? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 Thanks everyone. I will talk to DH a bit more about it. I kind of like the idea of just doing a simple family gift and calling it good, but not sure who DH would feel about it. The easiest would be a tray of cookies and candies, but my SIL is diabetic. Maybe a board game for each family? Board games for the family, if they enjoy them, are a fantastic gift. We've really enjoyed doing that with my brother's family. It doesn't even have to be an expensive game. One year when things were super tight, we set an agreed upon limit, and finding a fun game everyone would enjoy was half the fun, b/c my kids did the research. They settled on Headbandz, and even my parents had a ball playing! Best of luck! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 We had a similar situation. It turned out there was a lot of dissatisfaction, and nametags were being replaced, or gifts unwrapped and just taken by others before we arrived ( gifts are brought over anytime the week before). Given the mental illnesses involved, we bowed out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 Loving ones family can cause so much anxiety. I would try and step back and take a fresh look at the situation. They haven't given you gifts for two years. That should make it easier to just ask if they want to exchange presents this year or not. I often send something like this - http://www.jacksonandperkins.com/productgroup.aspx?pg=daily-deals . I think you are being very thoughtful. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OH_Homeschooler Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 Our extended family has slowly been phasing out gift-giving over the years. We stopped buying Christmas gifts for the other adults, but continued for the kids. I don't remember how those discussions came about. But this year I also suggested we do the same for birthdays, as we had continued to exchange for birthday among the adults (and it was usually just giftcards, so we might as well have been passing around the same one over and over). So shortly after Christmas, and knowing that my birthday would be the next among us, I sent a group message to my siblings saying that we are trying to declutter and have less "stuff" and that if they agreed, I thought we should only send birthday cards for birthdays. This went over so well! My sister even suggested that we could just do FB greetings on birthdays and skip the cards. So I found that by bringing the whole suggestion up as my issue with having too much stuff, it made the interaction a lot less awkward. I think people in general are looking for ways to simplify, and it's just a matter of formalizing it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TX Native Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 (edited) . Edited April 30, 2017 by TX native 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RioSamba Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 They didn't give gifts last year, and didn't acknowledge your lovely handmade gift. You won't be seeing them this year. It sounds like the perfect time for you to stop buying. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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