How to help a child feel more gratitutude?

[EmmaNZ]

My children have been blessed in that they are growing up in a family where we can afford to buy them what they need, and more besides. Their clothes are always bought new. They play multiple sports, and own all the various pieces of equipment they need. They have been on various long-haul holidays. They do not have phones/iPods/personal computers because I do not want them to have these things, but they know we could afford to buy them if we wanted.

 

Unfortunately, they have no idea how unusual this is, and how lucky they are. Things have come too easy for them. Recently one of the children has become seriously 'ungrateful' - getting upset because siblings have 'more'/different, always being displeased with what they have and wishing for something new/different.

 

What things can be done to help children appreciate things more? To feel gratitude and understand how easy life is for them? My telling them is clearly doing nothing.

[MaeFlowers]

I would recommend volunteer work especially places that work with people who are struggling in some fashion. Maybe a food pantry if you have those in your area?

[HomeAgain]

I would start by expecting them to buy more - whether it's through a budget you give them or money they earn, they need to acquire the items.  I would also put down a max budget for each kid/each month on things that you buy, so that they see how it quickly adds up.  Think about how you want them to respond to money as adults and start fostering those habits now.  If they expect every want/need met easily, adulthood probably won't look pretty for them.

 

There's a lot you can do to give back to the community but with that it becomes a touchy situation.  You don't want to use the poor as a teaching opportunity.  It feels icky to use people.  Give because it's right to give, volunteer because that's what people should do, but don't create a divide with lectures and forcing a child to see the difference between people.

[TranquilMind]

Experience.  The years passing.  Volunteering.

 

 

[ktgrok]

I point it out, specifically. "Like my new dress? I like yours too. Aren't we lucky to be able to afford new clothes? Lots of people can't get new clothes, ever."

 

I say stuff like that a lot. And we donate a lot to goodwill and other places. 

[Miss Mousie]

I would start by expecting them to buy more - whether it's through a budget you give them or money they earn, they need to acquire the items.  I would also put down a max budget for each kid/each month on things that you buy, so that they see how it quickly adds up.  Think about how you want them to respond to money as adults and start fostering those habits now.  If they expect every want/need met easily, adulthood probably won't look pretty for them.

 

There's a lot you can do to give back to the community but with that it becomes a touchy situation.  You don't want to use the poor as a teaching opportunity.  It feels icky to use people.  Give because it's right to give, volunteer because that's what people should do, but don't create a divide with lectures and forcing a child to see the difference between people.

 

I agree completely, especially with the bolded.

 

I also point things out:  "What a drag that my car got hit.  But I am so glad I have the funds to repair it!  Part of the reason I have those funds is that I just got a bonus at work, and part is that I don't blow a lot of money on stuff like Starbucks or fashionable clothes or expensive vacations.  It's more important to me to have a large safety-cushion in my bank account."

 

So I acknowledge both my general good fortune and my intentional financial mindset.  I talk about priorities a lot, too, when deciding what or whether to purchase.

[Janeway]

I have no idea how to bring this home. If they volunteer where people have less, those people usually have a lot lot less and then kids, and adults too, often think that is the serious exception to the rule. Plus, there is just an emotional disconnect. They cannot relate at all to those people so they think it is the norm.

 

They need to be around friends who have less. But reasonable friends who have less. Someone they can relate to, not someone who is so far off from them that they think that could never be them. But, I cannot tell you how to find those friends.

[cave canem]

Doing without.

[lanalouwho]

I talk about this a lot with my boys. They do chores to earn money to buy their things. We still buy them other things too, but it helps them to realize that things don't just appear. It takes hard work and commitment to save enough to buy that Lego set or whatever. Twice a year, we also choose some things to donate to charity. Each of them chooses a few toys and we put together a food basket to take. We talk about how we are lucky to be able to afford these things, and how it's nice to share our good fortune with others.

TBH, for a long time it didn't seem like any of it was sinking in. But last week, DS5 finally saved up enough for a toy he's been wanting. When we got home he told me, "Mom, I'm grateful for these toys and to be able to share them with you and Daddy and brother."

That felt like a huge win.

 

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[happi duck]

My two cents:

 

When I see an attitude in one of my kids that surprises me I look *very* *very* hard at myself and dh and find that same attitude, usually subtle and hard to see but there. So my advice is that parents model gratitude and squash ingratitude in themselves.

 

A few more cents:

I don't think gratitude should be taught in relation to others *at all*. No "be grateful because some people don't have what you have". No "be grateful we have money unlike those people who spend money on stuff I don't agree with". No "let's help poor people so you know how good you have it".

 

If gratitude is dependent on *having*, *affording* and *comparing* then what happens when having, affording and comparing aren't possible?

 

So in a nutshell, model gratitude for gratitude's sake.

 

Be grateful for xyz because you're grateful...period.

 

Help out those who need xyz because it's right to be kind...period.

 

*steps off soap box*

[mamiof5]

It's hard. We try as much as we can. We volunteer when we can. We constantly talk about it (pretty much on a daily basis), we thank God for our meal before and after. We start our day thanking God for our blessings: good health, home, family, food etc etc. We pray for those who are not as fortunate. We have kids send thank you notes for Christmas, birthdays etc.

[gardenmom5]

christmas is coming.  find an agency that helps families in need over the holidays - and have them get very involved in the project, especially helping with children.

[idnib]

There are a lot of these global wealth calculators and this one happens to have NZ dollars. I'm not sure of the ages of your kids, but it may not resonate if they are too young.

 

To what places have you travelled? It's much more eye opening to go to India than the UK, for example. I'm not talking about "poverty tourism" but just vacations. I spent significant portions of my childhood in a poor country because most of my relatives are there. It had a significant impact on my worldview.

Edited November 5, 2016 by idnib

[marbel]

What Happi Duck said.   There is something icky to me about pointing out (for example) kids in Haiti who have nothing as an example of why first-world kids should be grateful.  Remember the stereotype of the '60s mom saying "eat your dinner; there are poor kids in China who would love to have that meatloaf."  

 

But the other thing is... I am not convinced anyone can teach another person to feel something.   Parents can and should model gratitude, of course, but have no control over what their kids feel. They can shape the kids' behavior to some degree - "stop complaining that your iPod is two years old; it's still working, isn't it?"or "if you think your iPod is out of date, you are free to earn money to buy a new one but I'm not replacing a working device" - and that might lead to a change in the child's attitude.  But it might not.  

Edited November 5, 2016 by marbel

[tampamommy]

How old are your children? This matters. In my experience, fostering a spirit of true gratitude in children is both "caught" and "taught." Excellent suggestions above about volunteering and modeling a thankful lifestyle. You have to teach them how to do it; children don't learn it automatically, no more than they learn grammar or how to play an instrument automatically. It's slow and steady, every single day, every single opportunity, for many years.

 

But I think the biggest thing is being patient, because I think many people expect true gratitude from their children before their kids have the life experiences where they can see the contrast between their lives and those who may not be as fortunate in whatever regard. This type of heartfelt gratitude doesn't usually happen until near adulthood, in my opinion. Because they just don't have that comparison as a reference point. 

 

I've taught it and modeled it since they were born! The biggest eye openers for my dc were 1) a trip to China without us at age 15, 2) working 3) dual enrollment and 4) additional travel without parents. While they have been polite and thankful for a while, the shift I saw from modeling thankful behavior to truly grasping the wonderful lives/opportunities they've been given happened between 16-18 years old. Most noticeably, the hugest shift happened the fall each of my dc turned 18. It is internally embraced now. No more coaching needed. It has been really neat to watch.

[mamiof5]

Just read the thread about Yemen. Sometimes just sharing with the kids and telling them about places like this helps them realize that we are very fortunate. I always tell our kids that having 3 meals a day, snacks, potable water etc should not be taken for granted. There are many folks out there who don't have the most basic needs covered :(

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 25, 2016 by ..Kathy..