Ann.without.an.e Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 (edited) nm Edited October 7, 2016 by Attolia 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Sounds like you made a good decision. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 :grouphug: Will she let your DH read it? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 ((Hugs)) Beautifully written. I'm glad she can articulate it. You made the right choice. You are a good mom. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 How old is your dd? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted October 6, 2016 Author Share Posted October 6, 2016 :grouphug: Will she let your DH read it? I am hopeful. I don't know how he will react though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted October 6, 2016 Author Share Posted October 6, 2016 How old is your dd? 17 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 17 Ah. I had a MIL like that in my first marriage. Seems like she doesn't have the power to harm her two grandkids the way she did her own children. The grandkids see through it so much faster than the kids....who are all in the 50 and 60s and just now really understanding it. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted October 6, 2016 Author Share Posted October 6, 2016 Ah. I had a MIL like that in my first marriage. Seems like she doesn't have the power to harm her two grandkids the way she did her own children. The grandkids see through it so much faster than the kids....who are all in the 50 and 60s and just now really understanding it. Interesting enough, my FIL is the primary issue. My MIL is only a problem in that she enables him, protects him, and denies his issues :glare: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hypatia. Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 The enabler can be just as bad, sometimes worse, as the one they are enabling. You made a good choice, even if you feel guilt. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Don't feel guilty that you have done what you needed to do to protect your children. They sound really toxic. Protecting our children is what we do - NO GUILT! Anne 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashfern Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 That's really amazing. Thanks for sharing. Just yesterday I was feeling guilty over keeping my kids away from dh's family. DD(22) set me straight..."you were protecting us!" 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammi K Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 17 Sad topic but her use of language and imagery is beautiful. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RioSamba Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 No guilt, Mama. That poem is chilling; it clearly expresses a sick dynamic. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 Your daughter is very perceptive — and talented! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 My comments aren't meant to undermine anyone's choice or to cause further guilt. I dont know your individual circumstances or how bad a relative is that you feel needs to be cut off from your children. I have watched this play out in several families..and I feel it is often an overreaction and in fact deprives the children of a powerful lesson in how to deal with difficult or manipulative people while they are still under the protection of their parents. But I get it. When a person has grown up with bad parenting of all kinds they have a powerful need to a)protect their own children they way they feel like they needed to be protected b) stand up to their abusive parents and say you may have done this to me but you will not do it to my children. My own former MIL it turns out had very limited affect on my son and his cousin. Neither saw her too much though....but when they were about 14 both of them ( not together because they aren't the same age) spent a few days with her. Both came home in shock and awe that anyone could really BE that way. They have no desire to ever see her again. I would have never let my son go see her alone when he was little. But I didn't make that obvious and it gave my now xh a chance to see his mother in a whole new light.....the way she treated him was one thing....but he bucked hard to his mother when she tried the same crap on our son. Just food for thought. Lots of crazy grand parents out there....but they are still a part of our kids.... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted October 7, 2016 Author Share Posted October 7, 2016 (edited) Long story, short. I haven't cut them off. They weren't getting their way in our lives, even after great heaps of manipulation so they cut themselves out. They have done this before and we always smoothed it over by continuing on like nothing ever happened. MIL would say that they were "just done with us" over the silliest little things and cut us out for a while and pout. Then we would just invite them to the next gathering and they would come and no one could talk about the mean things she would say when she decided she was "done". They never apologized and we didn't talk about it, we just moved on by pretending they never said it. I decided I was done with that pretense. I told my DH that if she calls me and wants to return to a relationship or if she apologizes to me then I am 100% ready to move forward. This won't happen though. They have deep pride. We can only have a relationship if we confront nothing and say nothing to them. They think they are perfect and if you even hint they have made a mistake, they lose it completely. My DH is visiting them about once a month because he feels an obligation to them as parents. My kids are welcome to go with them. My boys went once. My girls have chosen not to go. It is their choice completely. My comments aren't meant to undermine anyone's choice or to cause further guilt. I dont know your individual circumstances or how bad a relative is that you feel needs to be cut off from your children.I have watched this play out in several families..and I feel it is often an overreaction and in fact deprives the children of a powerful lesson in how to deal with difficult or manipulative people while they are still under the protection of their parents. But I get it. When a person has grown up with bad parenting of all kinds they have a powerful need to a)protect their own children they way they feel like they needed to be protected b) stand up to their abusive parents and say you may have done this to me but you will not do it to my children.My own former MIL it turns out had very limited affect on my son and his cousin. Neither saw her too much though....but when they were about 14 both of them ( not together because they aren't the same age) spent a few days with her. Both came home in shock and awe that anyone could really BE that way. They have no desire to ever see her again.I would have never let my son go see her alone when he was little. But I didn't make that obvious and it gave my now xh a chance to see his mother in a whole new light.....the way she treated him was one thing....but he bucked hard to his mother when she tried the same crap on our son.Just food for thought. Lots of crazy grand parents out there....but they are still a part of our kids.... Edited October 7, 2016 by Attolia 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El... Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 What beautiful, striking images! I hope she'll keep writing poetry. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted October 7, 2016 Author Share Posted October 7, 2016 (edited) Sad topic but her use of language and imagery is beautiful. Your daughter is very perceptive — and talented! Thanks ya'll. She is a very talented poet. Some of the best imagery isn't even in the portion I put but I didn't want to put the whole poem for obvious reason. She's actually rewritten to repeat the "It snapped today" in a few places. They bought her a charm bracelet for her sweet 16 and it snapped like days after this decision for MIL to "be done with us". So it has meaning to her. I've replaced what I had posted originally with her rewrite. Edited October 7, 2016 by Attolia 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 Long story, short. I haven't cut them off. They weren't getting their way in our lives, even after great heaps of manipulation so they cut themselves out. They have done this before and we always smoothed it over by continuing on like nothing ever happened. MIL would say that they were "just done with us" over the silliest little things and cut us out for a while and pout. Then we would just invite them to the next gathering and they would come and no one could talk about the mean things she would say when she decided she was "done". They never apologized and we didn't talk about it, we just moved on by pretending they never said it. I decided I was done with that pretense. I told my DH that if she calls me and wants to return to a relationship or if she apologizes to me then I am 100% ready to move forward. This won't happen though. They have deep pride. We can only have a relationship if we confront nothing and say nothing to them. They think they are perfect and if you even hint they have made a mistake, they lose it completely. My DH is visiting them about once a month because he feels an obligation to them as parents. My kids are welcome to go with them. My boys went once. My girls have chosen not to go. It is their choice completely. This sounds like how things were with my xMIL. I never cut her off either. But she is very prideful and could,nor apologize or call me. When I was young it really bothered me. Just to show you what kind of person she is, I was her DIL for 26 years and I divorced her son 7 years ago. She has not one time called me since. And I have full custody of one of her only two grandchildren. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 (edited) She is very talented. Edited October 7, 2016 by Scarlett 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted October 7, 2016 Author Share Posted October 7, 2016 (edited) She is very talented. Thank you. Do you mind editing out her poem part in the quote because I think I will delete later? Thanks so much :thumbup1: Edited October 7, 2016 by Attolia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 Thank you. Do you mind editing out her poem part in the quote because I think I will delete later? Thanks so much :thumbup1: Oops sorry, 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janeway Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 It sounds like you did the right thing. We had to cut out my in laws. My husband fell in to a depression and then a few weeks later, he started talking about the abuse he suffered from them. He had kept all that in for a very long time. It was eye opening. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted October 7, 2016 Author Share Posted October 7, 2016 :( Your poor DH. It is just so hard. My DH knows that they have huge issues. He just won't every confront them or talk to them about it. It sounds like you did the right thing.We had to cut out my in laws. My husband fell in to a depression and then a few weeks later, he started talking about the abuse he suffered from them. He had kept all that in for a very long time. It was eye opening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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