Dealing with mean people

[Night Elf]

Ds has Aspergers and is trying to get his first job. He's applying to a grocery store where my dd used to work. She's worried about him working there because some of the employees are mean. Ds was homeschooled, with the exception for a couple of months, all the way through high school. He's never had to deal with bullies. How do I prepare him for encountering mean people? If someone yells at him or says mean things to him, I honestly don't know how he'll respond. Dd used to run into the bathroom to cry. What would you do?

[QueenCat]

Ds has Aspergers and is trying to get his first job. He's applying to a grocery store where my dd used to work. She's worried about him working there because some of the employees are mean. Ds was homeschooled, with the exception for a couple of months, all the way through high school. He's never had to deal with bullies. How do I prepare him for encountering mean people? If someone yells at him or says mean things to him, I honestly don't know how he'll respond. Dd used to run into the bathroom to cry. What would you do?

 

You can practice situations with him. You really can't personally go in and do anything. That'd be highly inappropriate and would cause him to lose favor quickly with his supervisors. I would hope that he is upfront with his supervisors about having AS, as they need to know some of the basics, for their own interactions with him. That's been very helpful for my own child with AS.

[Night Elf]

You can practice situations with him. You really can't personally go in and do anything. That'd be highly inappropriate and would cause him to lose favor quickly with his supervisors. I would hope that he is upfront with his supervisors about having AS, as they need to know some of the basics, for their own interactions with him. That's been very helpful for my own child with AS.

 

I most certainly have no plans to go in and say anything to anyone. That's not my place. I'm trying to figure out how to run through situations that he may encounter. I do feel it's my job to help teach him how to do this on his own. I don't know what might happen because I haven't encountered mean people since high school over 30 years ago. I don't remember how I handled it.

[Annie G]

Dd works at our local grocery store and they have three special needs guys who bag and do some other jobs. They have been there for years- like the 'newest' one has been there for a decade. And the employees know management isn't going to tolerate bullying. But lots of employees are mean behind the guys' backs and make fun of them when they aren't there. Honestly that REALLY bothers dd.  She has mentioned it to supervisors before but it's shrugged off as being better than actually teasing the guys. 

 

So I guess I'm hoping that your ds wouldn't be directly bullied. But as far as 'being yelled at', well, almost everyone is occasionally chastised and it might help to prepare him in advance that at work when a supervisor corrects you it's not personal.  It's just about getting the job done. And maybe practice responses that won't get him in trouble.  Hurry up could me met with 'I'm doing my best but I'll try harder'. That kind of thing. 

[Night Elf]

 

 

So I guess I'm hoping that your ds wouldn't be directly bullied. But as far as 'being yelled at', well, almost everyone is occasionally chastised and it might help to prepare him in advance that at work when a supervisor corrects you it's not personal.  It's just about getting the job done. And maybe practice responses that won't get him in trouble.  Hurry up could me met with 'I'm doing my best but I'll try harder'. That kind of thing. 

 

Yes, thank you. I didn't think about a supervisor talking to him in a mean way. I was thinking of other employees. Once, a backroom guy yelled at my dd for something that she didn't know about. He was just plain ugly and it upset her so much she cried. She was able to excuse herself to go to the bathroom. I don't know how easy that is for a stock clerk or bagger. I was thinking ds might need to remove himself from such a situation to pull himself together if he feels bullied. I don't know how it will be received if he goes to a manager to complain. Is that even done, or does he handle it himself?

[purplejackmama]

This thread makes me sad and angry. Ugh. People suck sometimes.

[QueenCat]

I most certainly have no plans to go in and say anything to anyone. That's not my place. I'm trying to figure out how to run through situations that he may encounter. I do feel it's my job to help teach him how to do this on his own. I don't know what might happen because I haven't encountered mean people since high school over 30 years ago. I don't remember how I handled it.

 

I really didn't say it so harshly as to imply that I thought you were going to go in, but your reaction implies you thought I did. Sorry if that was the impression given, it wasn't intended to be. I primarily suggested exactly what you are now saying you intend to do. I do the same thing, all the time, with my son. Unfortunately, there are mean people in more facets of life than not. It is hard for people with issues like AS to deal with. Stresses me out all the time. Often what stresses me is ds not recognizing just how mean people are being.

[QueenCat]

Yes, thank you. I didn't think about a supervisor talking to him in a mean way. I was thinking of other employees. Once, a backroom guy yelled at my dd for something that she didn't know about. He was just plain ugly and it upset her so much she cried. She was able to excuse herself to go to the bathroom. I don't know how easy that is for a stock clerk or bagger. I was thinking ds might need to remove himself from such a situation to pull himself together if he feels bullied. I don't know how it will be received if he goes to a manager to complain. Is that even done, or does he handle it himself?

 

Ugh, I'd probably not encourage him to go to the manager unless it's a recurring issue. And to first practice his words with you before doing so. Unless it's an immediate safety issue, then he needs to talk to the manager right away.

[QueenCat]

One other thing......... people are often nicer to people with obvious special needs than to their "normal" peers, even at work. Most people realize that ds has special needs, even if he hasn't told them, pretty quickly. And he's considered mild on the spectrum.

[catz]

I think it's good to learn some general throw backs.  It really depends on circumstances.  Sometimes people raise their voices because of actual mistakes made.  Sometimes people raise their voices because they are crabby for some reason. And some people just have a gruff manner of speaking.  Some people don't deal with stress well.

 

I always remind my kids that someone's anger or negative emotions is a product of their own and they are NOT responsible nor do they have to absorb or deal with it. We aren't responsible for when someone else is crabby, doesn't like us, etc.  Reminders that not everyone has mature social skills to deal with hard situations in positive ways.   My daughter dances 5 days a week and there is plenty of drama and negativity thrown around there but it is possible not to get sucked in.  Deflect and move on.  Find some positive people to mix with.  Don't let someone else ruin your day.  It is a really good life skill I wish I would have learned as early as my daughter has.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Dealing with people was the main benefit of my Aspie working at the grocery store.  I just taught him to be polite no matter what, esp. if it was a customer.  (Only one customer was ever mean and the cashier backed up my son who was the bagger.)  Most of the other employees were fine.  He avoided certain ones if he could help it  The worst was a supervisor who was mean to everyone but particularly singled ds out.  I was very proud of ds when he finally had enough and stood up to her  He told her to stop treating him that way and just because he had ASD was  not a reason to bully him.  Employees rallied around him and supported him when he did that.  I was not involved in any of his interactions with people at work. 

[zoobie]

Did he do social stories when he was younger? I'd enlist DD to brainstorm potentially sticky scenarios and work through them with him as you would a social story.

[goldberry]

I would just practice some scenarios with him.  DD was in public school first-fourth grades.  She is neurotypical, but we still practiced how to respond to certain things.  She didn't really understand what a "confident" voice sounded like until we practiced, ya know?  

[Anne in CA]

My ds is not an aspie, but he can be pretty dense as far as being treated meanly. He just considers it someone else's problem if they are a jerk. This drove dh nuts at scout things where people would be mean and ds would completely go on without noticing. The people would up their attitudes so that everyone was uncomfortable and ds would be just fine, lol. That may be the case for your aspie. He may not get his feelings hurt the way your dd did in the first place. It is entirely possible this will just not be an issue.

 

But... this sounds like it might be a hostile work environment. I worked in the hotel business for more than 20 years and people didn't do this stuff much at all. In 20 years I can think of three times someone got chewed out, and that was for deserved things by a manager who still didn't curse, or belittle unfairly. I wouldn't allow it in my restaurant. I deal swiftly with would be bullies, so I'm not sure this would be a good place to work for anyone?

[Alicia64]

 

 

But... this sounds like it might be a hostile work environment. I worked in the hotel business for more than 20 years and people didn't do this stuff much at all. In 20 years I can think of three times someone got chewed out, and that was for deserved things by a manager who still didn't curse, or belittle unfairly. I wouldn't allow it in my restaurant. I deal swiftly with would be bullies, so I'm not sure this would be a good place to work for anyone?

 

I was trying to think of how to say what Anne said. She said it perfectly.

 

I have one child mildly on the spectrum, and when it comes time for a job I'd like to help him find something with a more "team/supportive" environment versus what is clearly known as a hostile arena.

 

If hostility is being allowed by the higher ups, I'm not sure this would be a great starting point for your son.

 

I once read a book about not having kids work in pizza joints and fast food places. The author was making the point that then you have young people who don't know much leading teens who don't know much.

 

He was making the point of having older teens work with full adults -- like in a men's clothing store -- instead of with young adults. I've never forgotten his advice.

 

A friend's teen worked for years in a friendly yogurt shop where the other staff were friendly and the only problems she had was with the general public. I will probably work w/ my son to do something more yogurt shopish in the beginning.

 

Alley

[Night Elf]

I don't know that the entire job environment is hostile because of one person who yells and a couple who talk about people behind their backs. The one who yelled was early 20s and didn't like to work with younger people, he actually told my dd that. The employees who talked about people behind their backs were teens. It just reminds me of high school. That's going to happen in a place that hires teens. Ds has never held a job before and has no skills so he can't be choosy in the first job he gets. He can consider more retail if the grocery store doesn't work out, but I think he should work there for several months before changing jobs. He left college and wants to teach himself game programming so he's willing to work part-time because he simply cannot live off us forever. He's 20 already. We can't afford to support him and his dream job of programming may never come to fruition. He doesn't know what he wants to do as a side job and has no interest in returning to any kind of school, even a technical college to learn a specific skill. He just needs something to get him through the next months or a year to figure out what he does want to do. We figured the grocery store would be a good first experience and easy to get to as well. I'm his transportation because he doesn't have a license, nor does he want one. It's just hard helping him.

[QueenCat]

He's 20 already. We can't afford to support him and his dream job of programming may never come to fruition. He doesn't know what he wants to do as a side job and has no interest in returning to any kind of school, even a technical college to learn a specific skill. He just needs something to get him through the next months or a year to figure out what he does want to do. We figured the grocery store would be a good first experience and easy to get to as well. I'm his transportation because he doesn't have a license, nor does he want one. It's just hard helping him.

 

It is hard, especially when we see others having their kids leave home & get moving on with their lives at that age. I have to constantly remind myself that it takes much longer for people with Aspergers to be able to support themselves and live on their own. My son's autism doctor said that the norm is mid to late 20s, and that those that try earlier usually come back. And this would be more for people with mild to moderate Aspergers. As for driving, it's a harder for skill for them. We forced ours to get his but he doesn't drive much alone. Just to very familiar places. I almost feel like young adulthood is the hardest stage, mostly because there is so much I can't help with because he's technically an adult....

[Guest]

People can be catty, nasty, insecure, and belligerent. Some of these things are difficult to deal with as a boss because being a jerk (subtly or through power plays) is often not against the letter of the law when it comes to workplace rules.

 

I'd focus on teaching him, as much as you can, that other people's treatment of him in no way dictates his value or self worth. It's easier said than done though. I'd let him know appropriate comebacks or responses and the rest is just their problem. He also should know the boundary of rudeness versus harassment and report if they cross it.

[Laurie4b]

I haven't read the other responses, but it seems you have an excellent resource in your dd. Have her role play situations with him. You can coach him as to how to respond, but mean people tend to have patterns of behavior. It will be same-old, same-old, so practice should help. 

 

Laurie

[Janeway]

If people are so mean to the kids, why should he work there? Is there any place else he can work?

[Night Elf]

If people are so mean to the kids, why should he work there? Is there any place else he can work?

 

That was ONE person in a huge grocery store of employees. It doesn't make sense to cross it off the possible employer list because of one person. I can't imagine it being any worse than Target or Walmart, the other two possibilities we have.

[Rachel]

For what it's worth I worked in two different grocery stores in different states. I found that environment to be better than typical retail. You tend to have regular customers and get to know or at least recognize them.

 

Does the grocery store have a program that may help him develop job skills? I know the main grocery store I worked at had one. They may have shorter shifts or special jobs that didn't involve working as directly with the customers. One man with Down's syndrome only bagged groceries for an hour at a time because that was his limit, but he had other special assignments around the store. Customers loved him. Your son may not need that type of assistance but many store managers are willing to work with employees to do a good job. This will really depend on the culture of a particular store and the grocery chain though.

[MyLittleBears]

Just wondering if the store manager or someone in charge is aware he has autism? I think it might be helpful to disclose this so that someone is aware and can be an advocate for him. Of course, your ds would have to be comfortable with this too. Most people tend to be more understanding if they know there is a disability. I say most because there are always jerks. 

[Catalytic]

My probable Aspie just got his first job about a month ago.  I was very upfront with Human Resources before he ever applied...I stopped in to ask them something about my other son and somehow got on my ASD kiddo.  I asked if they might have a place for him (mall-type situation, they have retail, fast food, janitorial, etc positions).  I explained about customers not being something he could do well (he has a significant speech problem).  They told me some possible positions and told me to have him apply.  When I took him to his interview, I waited outside the building.  I was quite surprised when he came out and said the HR guy wanted to talk to me, too.  So I went in, and the guy asked me what I pictured DS doing and what positions I thought might be a good fit for him.  HR said OK, they would call tomorrow.  Well, tomorrow took a week, we really thought he wasn't hired, but a week later, they called ME and offered a janitorial position.  DS was still asleep, so I ran to tell DH and we were sitting there being very happy parents when DS ran down the stairs so fast he crashed into the wall at the bottom.  HR had just called HIM and offered a different position with more hours at a fried chicken FF restaurant.  Anyway, the manager there is quite brusque with at least some of the employees (I saw that for myself) but he apparently treats DS well.  DS has a lot of trouble with social cues, though, so I'm not sure that he would even realize if the manager wasn't being nice.

 

Anyway, apparently he's happy with DS because he offered to hire my other son that was still looking for a job.  He's also training DS on the front end/cash register when they are slow, so I'm pleased they're giving him an opportunity to try customer service.  DS' co-workers seem to enjoy him, they're all chatting waiting for rides when i go pick him up most days.

 

So, if you have bad thoughts about this place, try somewhere else.  We have been blessed beyond measure with DS' job, and I hope that you and your son will be blessed with a good place for him, too.

[Anne in CA]

The last post really makes my heart happy. There is no reason for work to be a drag. A large portion of someone's adult life is spent at work and there is no reason for it not to be pleasant. Besides, sometimes you think that you just are going to do something for a short time and it turns out to be much longer than that. When I went to work for a large hotel chain I intended it to be for a few years while dh established his career and when the kids were bigger and he was making more money I was going to go to college for a new career. But I started home schooling rather unexpectedly and my job turned out to be a great fit for the lifestyle of a home school mom and I ended up working there 17 years. That happens more than you think.

[SparklyUnicorn]

This thread makes me sad and angry. Ugh. People suck sometimes.

 

Me too.  They shouldn't be getting away with that.  But then I know how it goes.  Often times you can't do much about this sort of crap.