Would this be a good reminder or me being a bossy pain?

[Ginevra]

I have this group of ladies I get together with monthly under the guise of playing Bunco (we actually play maybe two times per year). We are all very good friends and go back 10-18 years. One of these friends' college-age dd was in a catastrophic car accident in January of this year. This friend has struggled, of course, a lot due to her daughter's very serious and possibly permanent life-altering injuries. She has been absent from bunco most of this year, though I have spent time with her separately.

 

The friend is hosting "bunco" at a restaurant in September. All of us are sending our kids off to college, some for second or third years, others for first. It has been a natural topic of converstion at Bunco since May. I think, though, that it would be better not to dwell on sending daughters off to college as a main topic when we meet in September because I am very certain this would be very painful for our friend to listen to. Her dd may never go back to college and is working on things like learning to walk again.

 

I am considering sending an email through the group (but not to the friend whose DD was hurt, of course) to maybe just be mindful not to talk primarily about daughters at college; think of other things that would be less difficult for friend. I don't think all of the ladies will necessarily realize this is not the best topic while friend is there.

 

I was thinking of just saying something like, "hey, everyone...not to be the Conversation Police, but just a little reminder that I don't think 'Susie' wants to sit here for two hours hearing about our girls going off to college, considering what she is facing with her daughter. Maybe think of some other topics ahead of time so we can keep that from dominating our time together." Is this a good idea or me being the Conversation Police?

[Guest]

I can see where your heart is at, but honestly I wouldn't want to put something like that in writing in an email. I would worry it would somehow get back to Susie who would then wonder what exactly everyone is saying about her. If I was her it would be embarrassing. I would rather just get through the Bunco with maybe a few hard moments than worry about my friends emailing about me to each other or feeling they have to tiptoe.

[Tap]

I would take it as a thoughtful reminder by a caring friend.

 

BUT, FWIW.....I am the kind of person that you would have to hit over the head with a rock to offend. Because of that, I am not always a good judge on what will offend other people.  LOL 

[zoobie]

I'd call people instead of email.

[Xahm]

I would try to think of a way to phrase it as "while many of us are looking forward to sending kids off to college, let's be extra grateful to Susie for hosting while her family is still going through so much. Does anyone have ideas for a small gift for Susie/her daughter we can chip in on as a thank you to our host?" I would hope that would be a good enough reminder, and I'd feel less like I was going behind Susie's back since it would be obvious, not hidden, that we had arranged the present.

[Guest]

I would try to think of a way to phrase it as "while many of us are looking forward to sending kids off to college, let's be extra grateful to Susie for hosting while her family is still going through so much. Does anyone have ideas for a small gift for Susie/her daughter we can chip in on as a thank you to our host?" I would hope that would be a good enough reminder, and I'd feel less like I was going behind Susie's back since it would be obvious, not hidden, that we had arranged the present.

I like that. That's really great.

[purpleowl]

If this is a group of friends who care about each other, she may well WANT to hear all about what the other daughters are doing.

 

You can keep some other topics in mind and be prepared to change the subject if that friend seems to be overwhelmed or just not enjoying herself. But I don't think the email to the others is a good idea.

[Guest]

If this is a group of friends who care about each other, she may well WANT to hear all about what the other daughters are doing.

 

You can keep some other topics in mind and be prepared to change the subject if that friend seems to be overwhelmed or just not enjoying herself. But I don't think the email to the others is a good idea.

I highly doubt it. A person this hurt is possibly incapable of paying much attention to what other people's kids are doing. I relate it in my mind to when I lost my baby. Sitting with other mothers with babies, listening to them talk about babies who won't nap or the difficulties of nursing in public was HORRIBLE for me. It wouldn't have been the worst thing if someone had said, "ladies, I don't think Quill wants to hear all the trials of taking care of your babies when she recently buried her own."

 

But I accept that the email might not be a good idea.

[Little Nyssa]

I would talk to one or two key people- that should be enough to steer the conversation if necessary. I would not email everyone.

[annandatje]

.... Is this a good idea or me being the Conversation Police?

 

Conversation police.

 

I would trust mutual friends to be sensitive on as needed basis to the friend going through difficult time.

 

Maybe your friend with injured daughter would enjoy hearing updates about her friends' children heading off to college. 

[nd293]

I like xahm's idea, or individual phone calls (except, nooooooo, because I hate making calls), but I wouldn't put your originally worded request in writing in case, as someone said, it got back to Susie and made her feel worse. Not conversation police though - a lot of people are clueless and need to have the obvious pointed out to them.

[Laurie4b]

I would try to think of a way to phrase it as "while many of us are looking forward to sending kids off to college, let's be extra grateful to Susie for hosting while her family is still going through so much. Does anyone have ideas for a small gift for Susie/her daughter we can chip in on as a thank you to our host?" I would hope that would be a good enough reminder, and I'd feel less like I was going behind Susie's back since it would be obvious, not hidden, that we had arranged the present.

 

This is as far as I would go in an email. I like the idea because it puts in on people's radar, but doesn't direct their response. 

 

I do like a pp's idea of talking to a couple of key people. Sharing a bit about your own experience might be helpful. Then it's about you not wanting a similar thing to happen to someone else, not you seeming to be in charge of a social circle's response to a member's grief. I think there is a difference in how that might be perceived. 

 

Also, if you think she'd be open to talking about her dd with the group (she might not want to), it might be helpful to ask her about that towards the beginning of the conversation when the group meets.  That should clue in even fairly clueless people as to the impact some of their potential conversation could have. 

 

While you cannot spare her all the pain, it is kind of you to try to spare her some of it.

 

Just one word of caution from a friend's experience: Friend A had a miscarriage and it was really painful for her when people asked her about it. So when Friend B had a miscarriage, Friend A  told all their mutual friends that it would be better not to talk with Friend B about it. Friend B ended up very hurt that no one in her circle spoke to her about it and that she was very isolated in her pain. When she found out why, she wasn't upset with Friend A, but relieved to find that people had cared and had assumed that Friend A was conveying her wishes. While it's not the same scenario, I think it's a good idea to keep in mind that people do process pain and loss differently, and they heal from it differently,  so while I think it's kind to make sure others have your friend's pain on their radar, it might be best to just leave it at the level of putting it on their radar rather than guiding the response. 

[J-rap]

If you are a group of close, caring friends, I actually think that email would be a very thoughtful thing to do.  I think you could word it in a way that doesn't sound overly-bossy.  Also, I like the idea of a gift/note to her daughter.

 

"I know we're all looking forward to gathering again next week with Susie!  I was thinking about all that she and her daughter have been through these last months, and thought it might be nice to go in on a little gift together for her daughter to let her know we're thinking about her.  Also, it came to mind that perhaps we should steer away from the subject of our own daughters going off to college in our conversations."

 

I can't fathom that people would be offended by that.  I understand somewhat what it's like being that mother, and even if I ran across the email accidentally, I wouldn't mind at all.  I would think that it was thoughtful of them for caring.  Of course that doesn't mean you should avoid asking her how her daughter is doing and how she herself is doing.

 

 

 

[City Mouse]

Sending the email does seem a little over the top to me, but I see nothing wrong with swearing the conversation in other directions. I can't say I would want to get together with a bunch of friends and spend the whole time talking about our kids.

[Annie G]

, but I see nothing wrong with swearing the conversation in other directions. 

 

This autocorrect made me laugh. All I can see is someone talking about how sad they are to be sending Susie off to college and Quill swearing, "Oh, f*$& no, we're not talking about that!  How great is this fall weather???"

[Sneezyone]

I think it's a good idea to keep in mind that people do process pain and loss differently, and they heal from it differently,  so while I think it's kind to make sure others have your friend's pain on their radar, it might be best to just leave it at the level of putting it on their radar rather than guiding the response. 

 

Yup. This. Why not just ask the host, as your friend, if talk of college makes her uncomfy. If it does, share *THAT* with the group. If not, say nothing to the others beyond organizing a group gift.

[Janie Grace]

This autocorrect made me laugh. All I can see is someone talking about how sad they are to be sending Susie off to college and Quill swearing, "Oh, f*$& no, we're not talking about that!  How great is this fall weather???"

 

I can't stop laughing at this image.

 

I guess I'm in a minority but I think the email would be fine (and I think you are a very kind, thoughtful friend). You have been friends for 10-18 years, so I'd assume people would appreciate your good intentions and not be judgy or annoyed. I might stop short of saying "think about other topics ahead of time" but I definitely think you could email something , especially if you start by putting yourself square in the middle. "I have been looking forward to telling you all about Sarah's first few weeks at UNC and hearing about your college girls, but I just realized that..." IDK, something better than that, but somehow communicating that you need reminding too. 

[Guest]

Yup. This. Why not just ask the host, as your friend, if talk of college makes her uncomfy. If it does, share *THAT* with the group. If not, say nothing to the others beyond organizing a group gift.

Eh. That seems worse to me than anticipating potential needs. I know "Susie" well enough to understand that she is a retreater. I get it, because I'm a retreater, too. When I was grieving, I didn't want to be seen as demanding or needy, even though I was needy. If you had asked me, "will you be okay with coming to my baby shower or is that too hard for you," there was a *high* probability that I would lie and say, "No, it's fine." But I would either go and be struggling the whole time or I eould have something come up at the last minute so sorry; I just remembered my mom need me to go with her to the doctor that day..

[Sneezyone]

Eh. That seems worse to me than anticipating potential needs. I know "Susie" well enough to understand that she is a retreater. I get it, because I'm a retreater, too. When I was grieving, I didn't want to be seen as demanding or needy, even though I was needy. If you had asked me, "will you be okay with coming to my baby shower or is that too hard for you," there was a *high* probability that I would lie and say, "No, it's fine." But I would either go and be struggling the whole time or I eould have something come up at the last minute so sorry; I just remembered my mom need me to go with her to the doctor that day..

If she's that fragile tho, knowing this is a common/shared experience for the guests, why invite them? KWIM? When I was at my worst with IF, I did not attend functions that triggered me. Maybe you could volunteer to host? Edited September 1, 2016 by Sneezyone

[Guest]

If she's that fragile tho, knowing this is a common/shared experience for the guests, why invite them? KWIM? When I was at my worst with IF, I did not attend functions that triggered me. Maybe you could volunteer to host?

Because. One knows they can't just disappear from life. One knows it is not emotionally healthy to stay at home and pine. The event is not going to be at her house; it's at a restaurant. She already missed the month she was slated to host. This is her way of trying to not disappear, I think. It is a relatively easy thing for her to say, "I will make reservations at this restaurant since I missed hosting my month."

 

But I don't think we need to be obtuse about what conversations are possibly not the best for her right now. There are a billion other topics that are not so potentially painful, KWIM? Why not just talk more about those?

[catz]

I think for a group of friends that has known each other for that length of time, a direct e-mail like that is over the top and might not be taken well by some or get back to the hostess somehow.  Everyone is an adult and knows the situation correct?  I like the idea of asking if people would like to pitch in for a hostess gift thinking of her situation is perfect though and could serve as a good reminder for everyone.   And I would just pick something you know she might enjoy - a plant? Wine basket?  G.C. for a massage or dinner with her husband?

 

I have a relative whose young adult son was paralyzed from the neck down last year in an accident.  She has very much wanted to connect with people and hear about what other young adults her son's age are up to after the initial shock and crisis settled down.   I guess I'd expect adults who've been friends a long time and known about it to be naturally sensitive and kind of see where the conversation ends up and what kind of tone the hostess sets.   It would also be awkward not mentioning your kids at all if she starts asking too. 

Edited September 1, 2016 by WoolySocks

[SparklyUnicorn]

I wouldn't mind that as a reminder. 

[Sneezyone]

Because. One knows they can't just disappear from life. One knows it is not emotionally healthy to stay at home and pine. The event is not going to be at her house; it's at a restaurant. She already missed the month she was slated to host. This is her way of trying to not disappear, I think. It is a relatively easy thing for her to say, "I will make reservations at this restaurant since I missed hosting my month."

 

But I don't think we need to be obtuse about what conversations are possibly not the best for her right now. There are a billion other topics that are not so potentially painful, KWIM? Why not just talk more about those?

I think because (and having lost my brother tragically, I recall) it's not realistic to expect folks to not talk about perhaps the most significant changes going on in their lives. You can be happy for others even as your own heart is broken. Friend groups are different tho. Mine would not respond well to that. Yours might. Try it, who knows!

[Guest]

I think because (and having lost my brother tragically, I recall) it's not realistic to expect folks to not talk about perhaps the most significant changes going on in their lives. You can be happy for others even as your own heart is broken. Friend groups are different tho. Mine would not respond well to that. Yours might. Try it, who knows!

It"/ not that I think no one should breathe a word about our college kids; I'm just thinking optimally not THE topic of the night. The last couple months, it has actually been THE conversation topic for the whole evening. I just don't think that should be the MAIN thing.