A poll about affairs

[amy g.]

I think that they would just "strongly disapprove". He is the one who thinks he would be beat up.

 

In any case, if we ever were to divorce, I know he would get at least shared custody. He is an extremely attentive father and maybe a better parent than I am. That is another reason he isn't likely to cheat on me. He is deeply invested in the kids and would never want to disappoint them.

 

I'm not threatened by people who wouldn't want to know.

 

I don't think it is going to happen to me, but I admit anything is possible. In any case, I would always want to know the truth.

[Scarlett]

Interesting the direction this is taking.

 

Basically, women being held hostage by the threat of losing their children.

 

That I can understand.

 

I would still want to know.

[Guest]

 If more bad news would be intolerable, that makes sense I guess. 

 

. 

 

That is not the case for me.

 

Just throwing it out there :)

[Guest]

Basically, women being held hostage by the threat of losing their children.

 

That I can understand.

 

I would still want to know.

 

Also, 100% not the case for me.

[madteaparty]

Also, 100% not the case for me.

It's not true for me either, but you know the minority view is really hard to accept without some justification that makes it merely a subset of the majority view. The "other" and all that :)

[ktgrok]

You know, my marriage is excellent. So so happy. Travelling, buying new house, just great. It's happy enough in that if he is managing to have some sort of side piece, I would rather admire the time and energy acrobatics that would require. My kids and I are still getting ours, you see? Why would I want to rock that boat? It's better than all the sanctimonious boats i see around.

 

For me, I'd rather it be rocked than it sink before I knew what happened. And our marriage is built on trust and honesty more than anything else (after a previous marriage that lacked those things totally). I would not want to keep telling my deepest thoughts and feelings to a man that was lying to me on the regular. 

 

Not to mention, he barely has enough time for me and my kids, if he was using up some of his free time on another woman I'd be very upset. 

 

Also, I'm a redhead, with the jealous streak to go with it. 

Edited August 14, 2016 by ktgrok

[ktgrok]

ok, so if not a fear of losing the kids, or out of a desire to just not have on more bad thing, why on earth would infedility be tolerable? Is fidelity maybe just not a high priority for the marriage for some people compared to others? 

[Guest]

Is it possible that they are offended by the potential for "consiquence free" bad behaviour by hypothetical men -- as if you are abandoning your obligation to not let him hypothetically get away with it?

 

Or maybe they imagine some sort of implicit judgement? Possibly that you seem to be saying that taking offence for marital infidelity is somehow optional and sometimes foolish -- which implies that those who do take offence are (in your eyes) making a possibly foolish choice, when they envision their reaction as automatic. Maybe that makes you 'level-headed-er than thou' in their eyes and creates offence?

 

Maybe!

 

It's too much for my brain to hold at one time, in any case. What all other people think about how other people should conduct other people's marriages.

 

To be clear, I'd be raging if my husband had an affair, full stop.

[AnnE-girl]

I think I can understand not wanting to know if you are otherwise happy in your relationship and family life, and it isn't a situation where the husband is planning to leave for the affair partner. If all of your needs and your family's needs are being met, and you don't feel like you are missing the time and attention of the unfaithful spouse, does knowing that he is cheating mean that much?

 

I don't feel this way, but I can see how someone would.

[Guest]

ok, so if not a fear of losing the kids, or out of a desire to just not have on more bad thing, why on earth would infedility be tolerable? Is fidelity maybe just not a high priority for the marriage for some people compared to others? 

 

I have experienced multiple times people telling me something they THINK my husband has done.....and even more of people thinking they know my husband  better than I do.

 

And being dead wrong every time. But wreaking havoc.

 

So like I said, unless you were present for insertion (yeah.) don't even bother with me.

 

Plus...I guess I don't get how someone can be like "I trust my huz 1000% but so help me God, if he cheats on me, someone better tell me."

 

This is a weird conversation.

 

ETA--Fidelity s a very high priority for me. But it's intensely private. Between me and him and no one NO ONE else. Even if it gets breached.

Edited August 14, 2016 by OKBud

[LucyStoner]

I do not know if I would want to know or not. There are downsides to either option.

 

I suppose the rub is I can't know if I want to know or not for sure unless I knew what it was. And there's no stuffing that cat back in the bag.

 

It's hard to see it happening though unless dude has a timeturner hidden somewhere because there just aren't that many hours in the day. Also, my husband is the worst liar in the world. There is no way he could construct a ruse and effectively sell it.

Edited August 14, 2016 by LucyStoner

[MaeFlowers]

ok, so if not a fear of losing the kids, or out of a desire to just not have on more bad thing, why on earth would infedility be tolerable? Is fidelity maybe just not a high priority for the marriage for some people compared to others?

I'm struggling to put it in words but basically my believe is that nothing is clear cut and simple, definitely not marriage. There are so many moving parts, so to speak, and so many roles being played. A failure in one area does not mean the whole thing has to fall apart.

 

I don't know. I have seen so many marriages survive affairs. More so than I have seen fail. None of them were women that had to stay. Why do you think they made that choice? It obviously hurt them but ultimately something in the marriage of was worth more?

[Mergath]

Interesting the direction this is taking.

 

Basically, women being held hostage by the threat of losing their children.

 

That I can understand.

 

I would still want to know.

Why can't you accept that some of us have a different opinion than you without some dire motive pushing us? I have no concern that dh would try to take dd away from me. Still wouldn't want to know if he had a one-night fling.

[LMD]

Because my marriage and the life we've built is too complex to be solely defined or necessarily destroyed by a moment.

 

We are very happy, I trust dh a lot, I've invested half my life and all my dreams are wrapped up in this. I can see not wanting to blow that up for an out of character mistake.

[Scarlett]

Why can't you accept that some of us have a different opinion than you without some dire motive pushing us? I have no concern that dh would try to take dd away from me. Still wouldn't want to know if he had a one-night fling.

I am pretty sure that is what some were saying,

 

And I absolutely accept that others have a differenypt opinion than Me. I don't really get it....and my curious side wants to know what sort of person prefers to not know their mate is cheating. Thus my poll.

 

I have learned some things. Thank you all.

[Scarlett]

I'm struggling to put it in words but basically my believe is that nothing is clear cut and simple, definitely not marriage. There are so many moving parts, so to speak, and so many roles being played. A failure in one area does not mean the whole thing has to fall apart.

I don't know. I have seen so many marriages survive affairs. More so than I have seen fail. None of them were women that had to stay. Why do you think they made that choice? It obviously hurt them but ultimately something in the marriage of was worth more?

Because my marriage and the life we've built is too complex to be solely defined or necessarily destroyed by a moment.

We are very happy, I trust dh a lot, I've invested half my life and all my dreams are wrapped up in this. I can see not wanting to blow that up for an out of character mistake.

Yes, but would you want to know?

 

I think a thing that some may not realize is that an affair has a fairly addictive quality to it. Left unchecked, because no one confesses, or tells or gets caught....an affair turns very serious and one or the other of the two affair partners wants more. And then your husband or wife comes home one day and says, " I love you but I am not in love with you anymore,"

 

Wouldn't you prefer to know in time to stop that from happening?

Edited August 14, 2016 by Scarlett

[Crimson Wife]

ok, so if not a fear of losing the kids, or out of a desire to just not have on more bad thing, why on earth would infedility be tolerable? Is fidelity maybe just not a high priority for the marriage for some people compared to others? 

Of course fidelity is important. But if there were to be a lapse in judgment, either he takes concrete actions to prevent that from ever happening again, or he doesn't. And if he has taken those actions, what is the upside to the wife knowing? What is her knowing about the mistake going to do to make a future adulterous encounter less likely? If anything, the strain on the marriage could very well make it MORE likely that he repeats his mistake.

 

An on-going affair or a pattern of one-night stands would be a very different situation.

[emmaluv+2more]

DER stole my answer.

 

Yes, of course, people want truth and not to be chumps and not to be at risk of STDS and to have the power to make their own decisions. On that level, everybody wants to know.

 

But if my DH had come to me about an affair while our son was in the hospital, he was under-employed and then working out of state, the two younger boys were in physical therapy for congenital deformities...oh, we had a crapnado going on...if he'd come to me THEN to confess ANYTHING, I'd have killed him.

 

I'd have killed him then for piling more stuff on me of that magnitude while I was already in an avalanche.

 

Once I was out from under the avalanche I'd have killed him again for what he actually did, betraying and hurting me, but honest to God, the first impulse would have had the upper hand for quite some time. Not just "how could you do this to me," but "how could you dump this on me now? If you're guilty, then BE guilty and let me get through this crisis!"

 

So there's a perspective from someone who has never been through a spouse's affair, thank God, but who can easily see why there may times and stages where women would not want to know because they can't take one more thing. That's a place to visit, not a place to live, but life goes like that sometimes.

I have not finished reading all of the responses, but this I completely understand. This makes complete sense to me. Not that I have to understand or agree with any woman's decision, because I don't. I would support any woman in any choice she ever made, but I do fully believe in making informed decisions. So, in this scenario, I would want to know AFTER the storm blew out.

 

And no Sadie, I did not mean any of it to be snarky at all. I'm not a snarky person, generally speaking. But I do strongly believe that any relationship involving cheating is not a healthy one. There are almost always underlying issues leading to the affair, even if one party is unaware of them.

[Guest]

 

 

 

Wouldn't you prefer to know in time to stop that from happening!

I can't stop my husband from doing anything he wants to do.

 

Including leave me.

 

He's a lot bigger than me, you know.

 

And I don't get why people think their helpful helpfulness is for sure going to be the thing that helps... The wife not get the clap, or stay married (?) Or whatever.

 

I'm telling you, people are so much less informed about the private lives of other people than they often think they are!

[Guest]

How are you gonna stop that happening ?!

 

Even if you know, it doesn't give you superpowers. Dude has to make his own decision.

Jinx

[Audrey]

Yes, but would you want to know?

 

I think a thing that some may not realize is that an affair has a fairly addictive quality to it. Left unchecked, because no one confesses, or tells or gets caught....an affair turns very serious and one or the other of the two affair partners wants more. And then your husband or wife comes home one day and says, " I love you but I am not in love with you anymore,"

 

Wouldn't you prefer to know in time to stop that from happening?

 

But you can't stop that from happening.  Nothing you can say or do can stop one person's emotions from developing.   If you think that there was anything you could have done at any stage of the affair that would have stopped your ex from falling for someone else, you are either giving yourself far too much credit or you are burdening yourself with far too much guilt. 

[8circles]

What kind of person doesn't want to know?  IDK how to even answer that.  The kind of person *I* am, I guess.  Whatever that means.

 

Marriage is about way more than sexual fidelity.  Yes, it's important, but it isn't more important than everything else in my marriage.  So, if my marriage is happy & my family is safe & secure, my DH is fulfilling all our needs of father and husband, I don't want to know that there is an affair.  Even an ongoing one.

 

If my marriage weren't happy, we weren't safe & secure, DH weren't fulfilling our needs of father and spouse, I guess it might be more relevant to me.  IDK.  But those are the things that are marriage-ending IMO, not necessarily the affair.

[8circles]

Yes, but would you want to know?

 

I think a thing that some may not realize is that an affair has a fairly addictive quality to it. Left unchecked, because no one confesses, or tells or gets caught....an affair turns very serious and one or the other of the two affair partners wants more. And then your husband or wife comes home one day and says, " I love you but I am not in love with you anymore,"

 

Wouldn't you prefer to know in time to stop that from happening?

 

Oh, I know that does happen.

 

But, Scarlett, your situation is not everyone's situation.  People can really only answer for their own situation.  

 

If the quoted scenario happens to me and my DH, I'm not to blame.  I wouldn't have caused that to happen because I didn't know therfore I couldn't stop it.  It would certainly be devastating to me and would feel tragic.

[emmaluv+2more]

Well, obvs.

Well, there are lots of people here saying they wouldn't want to know IF it were a one time thing and he knew he would never do it again. But if there were underlying issues that haven't been addressed because wife is unaware of the cheating and said issues, then it most likely will happen again. And the marriage isn't hunky dory, as I said before when you thought I was being snarky.

 

Most marriages involving cheating aren't okay (obvs), and most men/women doing the cheating aren't trustworthy (like ever again for me). These are things I would want to be aware of considering they could have a major impact on my life, now and in the future. Nothing to do with feminism, as so eloquently stated earlier by another poster (whom you didn't seem to think was snarky...interesting).

 

Some might not view fidelity as a major deal in marriage, but certainly trust would be, no?

 

Yes, to me this is obvious, which is why I'm having a difficult time wrapping my head around women not wanting to know.

 

And yes, there is a hint of snarkiness this time.

 

But I'm going to bow out now. I think this hits a sore spot for me because it happened, and recently. It changed my life dramatically, but I'm glad it happened now rather than later. I realize not everyone agrees with me or would do/want the same as I; I was simply trying to gain understanding. Everybody's lives are their own. I'm cool with that.

[Scarlett]

How are you gonna stop that happening ?!

 

Even if you know, it doesn't give you superpowers. Dude has to make his own decision.

Ha. True. But oddly enough when an affair is exposed to the light of day, and a cheater is faced with the reality of what he/she has done they very often stop the affair.

[Scarlett]

But you can't stop that from happening. Nothing you can say or do can stop one person's emotions from developing. If you think that there was anything you could have done at any stage of the affair that would have stopped your ex from falling for someone else, you are either giving yourself far too much credit or you are burdening yourself with far too much guilt.

I don't even think my situation is one of these I just described. My xh didn't fall for someone else. He was a serial cheater and I finally caught him red handed and had enough. Other situations are different. And the longer it goes on the more difficult it is for the cheater to,stop.

[Crimson Wife]

Well, there are lots of people here saying they wouldn't want to know IF it were a one time thing and he knew he would never do it again. But if there were underlying issues that haven't been addressed because wife is unaware of the cheating and said issues, then it most likely will happen again. And the marriage isn't hunky dory, as I said before when you thought I was being snarky.

 

I don't believe that one spouse cheating is necessarily due to anything that the other spouse has done. Frankly, I think that is generally B.S. that cheaters use to deflect the blame that should be 100% placed on them.

 

If the husband cheated, it's up to HIM to change the situation. The wife knowing or not knowing is irrelevant to whether he's going to actually take the actions that will prevent a further lapse in judgment.

[Scarlett]

Oh, I know that does happen.

 

But, Scarlett, your situation is not everyone's situation. People can really only answer for their own situation.

 

If the quoted scenario happens to me and my DH, I'm not to blame. I wouldn't have caused that to happen because I didn't know therfore I couldn't stop it. It would certainly be devastating to me and would feel tragic.

Of course you aren't to blame. I guess my wording of 'stop it from happening' made people think I meant that. No. And by'stopping it from happening' I mean the deception....once you know you won't accept it right? So it is over one way or the other.

[Scarlett]

I don't believe that one spouse cheating is necessarily due to anything that the other spouse has done. Frankly, I think that is generally B.S. that cheaters use to deflect the blame that should be 100% placed on them.

 

If the husband cheated, it's up to HIM to change the situation. The wife knowing or not knowing is irrelevant to whether he's going to actually take the actions that will prevent a further lapse in judgment.

I agree the affair is on the cheater, not the betrayed spouse. But I disagree that it is irrelevant who knows. For some it is much harder to stop an affair if it remains a secret.

[Crimson Wife]

Ha. True. But oddly enough when an affair is exposed to the light of day, and a cheater is faced with the reality of what he/she has done they very often stop the affair.

 

If it takes getting caught for him to stop rather than him feeling remorseful and stopping on his own, he's going to do it again and just be more surreptitious. He has to WANT to change, and that motivation needs to come from within. It's like with alcoholics and drug addicts- getting forced into rehab by an outsider has a very low chance of success.

[Scarlett]

If it takes getting caught for him to stop rather than him feeling remorseful and stopping on his own, he's going to do it again and just be more surreptitious. He has to WANT to change, and that motivation needs to come from within. It's like with alcoholics and drug addicts- getting forced into rehab by an outsider has a very low chance of success.

Of course. But don't you agree being faced with real consequences causes people to wake up and BE remorseful?

[8circles]

Well, there are lots of people here saying they wouldn't want to know IF it were a one time thing and he knew he would never do it again. But if there were underlying issues that haven't been addressed because wife is unaware of the cheating and said issues, then it most likely will happen again. And the marriage isn't hunky dory, as I said before when you thought I was being snarky.

 

Most marriages involving cheating aren't okay (obvs), and most men/women doing the cheating aren't trustworthy (like ever again for me). These are things I would want to be aware of considering they could have a major impact on my life, now and in the future. Nothing to do with feminism, as so eloquently stated earlier by another poster (whom you didn't seem to think was snarky...interesting).

 

Some might not view fidelity as a major deal in marriage, but certainly trust would be, no?

 

Yes, to me this is obvious, which is why I'm having a difficult time wrapping my head around women not wanting to know.

 

And yes, there is a hint of snarkiness this time.

 

But I'm going to bow out now. I think this hits a sore spot for me because it happened, and recently. It changed my life dramatically, but I'm glad it happened now rather than later. I realize not everyone agrees with me or would do/want the same as I; I was simply trying to gain understanding. Everybody's lives are their own. I'm cool with that.

 

People can really only answer based on their own situations.  We can play Sam I Am all day long but the bottom line is some people are going to eat the green eggs and ham right away and some people will only eat them on the train.  You don't have to understand why in either case.  Maybe you aren't capable of understanding.  Not being snarky.  It's been explained and explained and explained.  You don't get it.  

 

People say that even if you don't think there is any way your spouse is cheating, it can happen.  OK - so I guess it could happen to me.  In my marriage, which is great from my perspective.  If my DH is cheating and I think my marriage is great, I don't want to know that my DH is cheating.  Because my marriage is great.  He isn't taking time away from our family.  He isn't taking money away from our family.  He isn't witholding intimacy from me, emotional or physical.  So if he is able to figure out how to do all that & squeeze his penis in for some additional action somewhere else - I don't want to know.

[Scarlett]

People can really only answer based on their own situations. We can play Sam I Am all day long but the bottom line is some people are going to eat the green eggs and ham right away and some people will only eat them on the train. You don't have to understand why in either case. Maybe you aren't capable of understanding. Not being snarky. It's been explained and explained and explained. You don't get it.

 

People say that even if you don't think there is any way your spouse is cheating, it can happen. OK - so I guess it could happen to me. In my marriage, which is great from my perspective. If my DH is cheating and I think my marriage is great, I don't want to know that my DH is cheating. Because my marriage is great. He isn't taking time away from our family. He isn't taking money away from our family. He isn't witholding intimacy from me, emotional or physical. So if he is able to figure out how to do all that & squeeze his penis in for some additional action somewhere else - I don't want to know.

Thank you. That really explains it I guess.

 

And reminds me people are different.

[8circles]

Of course you aren't to blame. I guess my wording of 'stop it from happening' made people think I meant that. No. And by'stopping it from happening' I mean the deception....once you know you won't accept it right? So it is over one way or the other.

 

I don't know what you mean?  Once I know about the affair, I would divorce him if he didn't stop?  I don't think that's a given, no.  My marriage is more than that.  

[Scarlett]

I don't know what you mean? Once I know about the affair, I would divorce him if he didn't stop? I don't think that's a given, no. My marriage is more than that.

Really? Wow. Ok. You would just accept your husband having an affair that you knew about and not insist he stop for you to stay married to him?

 

That makes me wonder what would be your line in the sand. To each his own.

[8circles]

Really? Wow. Ok. You would just accept your husband having an affair that you knew about and not insist he stop for you to stay married to him?

 

That makes me wonder what would be your line in the sand. To each his own.

 

Yes, really.  Marriage is not primarily about sex.  It wouldn't be an automatic divorce for me, in my specific situation which is the only way I can really answer the question. 

 

Marriage is about love & trust & intimacy & respect & sharing life & taking care of our family & ...

 

To me, marriage with sexual fidelity as the number one important factor seems so small in comparison.  It's just so much bigger than that.

 

& yes, you can have all of those things and still deal with an affair.  But those situations aren't so exciting and don't incite people to crusade against anything. 

[Audrey]

Yes, really.  Marriage is not primarily about sex.  It wouldn't be an automatic divorce for me, in my specific situation which is the only way I can really answer the question. 

 

Marriage is about love & trust & intimacy & respect & sharing life & taking care of our family & ...

 

To me, marriage with sexual fidelity as the number one important factor seems so small in comparison.  It's just so much bigger than that.

 

& yes, you can have all of those things and still deal with an affair.  But those situations aren't so exciting and don't incite people to crusade against anything. 

 

Well said.  I feel the same way.

[Guest]

I do want to point out that people have given different reasons they don't want to be told. It's not one reason, or one kind of person giving that answer.

 

Also, that being told your spouse is cheating on you, and your spouse actually cheating on you are not necessarily the same thing.

 

Lastly... I'll try to find it when I'm not half asleep... But there is a woman who studied this and she said that, generally very speaking, women inclined to cheat do it when there's something wrong in their relationship. But men who are inclined to cheat will cheat when they are given the opportunity.

 

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2016/02/27/podcast-179-the-science-of-cheating-how-to-prevent-and-deal-with-infidelity/

Edited August 14, 2016 by OKBud

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Really? Wow. Ok. You would just accept your husband having an affair that you knew about and not insist he stop for you to stay married to him?

 

That makes me wonder what would be your line in the sand. To each his own.

I'm of similar mind to the person you quoted.

 

 

Some of my lines:

Abuse- any kind towards me or kids.

Drug addiction, especially if the kids (or my) safety are at risk.

 

 

An affair is not an absolute line in the sand for me, not after 22 years of shared history and ups and downs.

 

Affairs while dating were absolutely something I left over. But marriages, especially after a long time, are more than that. An affair is just one type of large mistake a partner can make.

Edited August 14, 2016 by PinkyandtheBrains.

[madteaparty]

Yep.

And yep again. All I can do is be my best self. If that's not good enough, me stomping my feet on "trust" and "fidelity" and "marital vows" does nothing.

Some of the people that want to know seem to think they can do something to fix it. Like lose 10 pounds and have more Tea? Like shame him into submission? Lol.

As for lines in the sand, we all have them. If mine is different than yours that's okay :)

There's so many ways to be faithful and loving and functional.

Edited August 14, 2016 by madteaparty

[ktgrok]

Well, some people don't put a premium on fidelity. 

 

I think that's fine, if all parties have given prior informed consent. 

 

It's not cool if it's unilateral.

 

Why would you care if someone doesn't appear to value fidelity in the same way you do ? (Not that you'd know, unless they'd sat down and told you  - hey, btw, I place no or little value on fidelity).

 

Some of these questions leave me puzzled. They seem so black and white. 

 

Personally, at this time in my life, I value stability and the status quo more than fidelity because, in my estimation, that is the best thing for my children and I at this time.

 

That's exactly what I was asking. It hadn't occurred to me prior to this thread. Not judging, honestly was asking and curious. Thank you for answering. 

[ktgrok]

Of course fidelity is important. But if there were to be a lapse in judgment, either he takes concrete actions to prevent that from ever happening again, or he doesn't. And if he has taken those actions, what is the upside to the wife knowing? What is her knowing about the mistake going to do to make a future adulterous encounter less likely? If anything, the strain on the marriage could very well make it MORE likely that he repeats his mistake.

 

An on-going affair or a pattern of one-night stands would be a very different situation.

 

Agreed, but some responses made it sound that they wouldn't want to know even if it was an ongoing, long term affair. 

 

But as it was explained to me up thread some value stability more than fidelity, which is absolutely fine, it just hadn't occurred to me before this thread. Not something I'd thought about. Perhaps because my divorce went so well, as far as divorces go, and I have a lot of supportive family, and my in laws are dead, so a divorce isn't as awful sounding to me as it is to some? That said, I would NOT divorce automatically, but I'd want the chance to try to fix the relationship if there was an affair going on, and that can't happen if I don't even know about it. 

 

One night stand I can understand being different, although again, in my experience, guys who cheat once continue to cheat if not caught. 

[ktgrok]

Of course. But don't you agree being faced with real consequences causes people to wake up and BE remorseful?

 

Yes, you hear about marriages that survive infidelity, and it seems that honesty and hard work go into that. How can that be done if it is still a secret, and the wife doesn't know?

[ktgrok]

Yes, really.  Marriage is not primarily about sex.  It wouldn't be an automatic divorce for me, in my specific situation which is the only way I can really answer the question. 

 

Marriage is about love & trust & intimacy & respect & sharing life & taking care of our family & ...

 

To me, marriage with sexual fidelity as the number one important factor seems so small in comparison.  It's just so much bigger than that.

 

& yes, you can have all of those things and still deal with an affair.  But those situations aren't so exciting and don't incite people to crusade against anything. 

 

But if he's cheating, then there isn't really trust, or respect, and how can you truly be intimate with someone you've been lying to? The sex is a part of the other stuff, for me. It isn't that we value sex OVER trust and respect, it's that it goes hand in hand, and that a man lying to me has no respect for me, and my trust would be misplaced. 

[kewb]

I have been thinking about this for days.  I think I would not want to be told.  If I was truly blissfully unaware I would like to continue in my blissful ignorance.  If I do know but have chosen to stay in the relationship I would not want people telling me about it.

 

For example, people who confess a fling to their spouse are only doing so to make themselves feel better.  It certainly isn't doing anything for the spouse who just had their world shattered.  But, hey, you feel better for confessing.  So bully for you.

 

If my spouse is having a long term affair, maybe even having another family.  I think I might still want to be blissfully unaware if I thought I was happy.

 

Mind you, 20 something years ago an affair would have had me packing my bags and walking out the door.  I know now that an affair is a symptom of something else.  Maybe something I want to fix maybe not but I won't know until I am in that position and hopefully I never will have to find out.

[8circles]

But if he's cheating, then there isn't really trust, or respect, and how can you truly be intimate with someone you've been lying to? The sex is a part of the other stuff, for me. It isn't that we value sex OVER trust and respect, it's that it goes hand in hand, and that a man lying to me has no respect for me, and my trust would be misplaced. 

 

I don't think it follows that cheating means there isn't trust respect or intimacy.  That certainly is what people think about 1st when then think affair.  It's what we see portrayed on TV and what all the juicy stories are about.  But it isn't the only way affairs happen.

 

If I don't share trust, respect, or intimacy with my spouse, both ways, then it doesn't matter whether or not he's having an affair.  We already have a problem.  

 

I think we just see things differently and that's OK.  You may not be able to understand and that's OK.  As long as you do understand that people who don't want to know in certain scenarios aren't being chumps nor are we afraid of the other options.  

 

 I see the sex equating trust, respect, & intimacy as a product of really unhealthy ideas about sex.  I reject it.  

[Guest]

 

I see the sex equating trust, respect, & intimacy as a product of really unhealthy ideas about sex. I reject it.

Really! Can you elaborate?

 

I think sex CAN healthily be other things, but can also be that list.

[8circles]

Really! Can you elaborate?

 

I think sex CAN healthily be other things, but can also be that list.

 

I think it goes back to our puritanical roots and we've just continued down the path of putting sex on this pedestal above all else as *the* thing.  Purity movement, modesty movement, Duggar-type Xians can thrive here.  I believe it's all connected and all stems from the same unhealthy focus on sex.

 

That isn't to say that I don't value sex and would be a-ok with my DH having an affair.  It isn't a black & white issue and it's way more complicated.

 

And I agree with you that sex CAN be those things on the list, but I don't believe it's ALWAYS those things.

[zoobie]

People can really only answer based on their own situations.  We can play Sam I Am all day long but the bottom line is some people are going to eat the green eggs and ham right away and some people will only eat them on the train.  You don't have to understand why in either case.  Maybe you aren't capable of understanding.  Not being snarky.  It's been explained and explained and explained.  You don't get it.  

 

People say that even if you don't think there is any way your spouse is cheating, it can happen.  OK - so I guess it could happen to me.  In my marriage, which is great from my perspective.  If my DH is cheating and I think my marriage is great, I don't want to know that my DH is cheating.  Because my marriage is great.  He isn't taking time away from our family.  He isn't taking money away from our family.  He isn't witholding intimacy from me, emotional or physical.  So if he is able to figure out how to do all that & squeeze his penis in for some additional action somewhere else - I don't want to know.

 

In my current life, if DH were having an affair, he would be taking money and time away from the family. He'd have to be doing it while I'm home taking care of our small children and homeschooling our older ones. If he were off having an affair with someone else while I'm here changing diapers and teaching long division for the fiftieth time, that would be hugely disrespectful to me on multiple levels. Our mutual decision was for me to do this while he goes to work. Using the time away from our family for an activity that degrades the family would be a separate violation of trust and respect from the sexual infidelity. That would be true if he were gambling or off doing drugs. An affair is never free. There are costs. Time that is spent on the affair has to come from somewhere unless the person has a time turner. Right now, neither of us has "free time" that doesn't impact the other person because someone has to be with the kids. Money that is spent has to come from somewhere, and he didn't come into the marriage with a personal inheritance. 

 

 

I don't think it follows that cheating means there isn't trust respect or intimacy.  That certainly is what people think about 1st when then think affair.  It's what we see portrayed on TV and what all the juicy stories are about.  But it isn't the only way affairs happen.

 

If I don't share trust, respect, or intimacy with my spouse, both ways, then it doesn't matter whether or not he's having an affair.  We already have a problem.  

 

I think we just see things differently and that's OK.  You may not be able to understand and that's OK.  As long as you do understand that people who don't want to know in certain scenarios aren't being chumps nor are we afraid of the other options.  

 

 I see the sex equating trust, respect, & intimacy as a product of really unhealthy ideas about sex.  I reject it.  

 

Boiling it down to the people who would want to know value sex over everything else isn't accurate. The actual sex part would be only one reason an affair violates his marriage vows to me. We aren't religious, but we both take those vows very seriously. We both have clearly articulated to one another that we are monogamous and that includes more than just physical sex. We've had numerous discussions about the impact of affairs when friends of ours have gone through them. If he were lying to me about everything he's told me over 21 years and having an affair himself, any trust, respect, and intimacy in my marriage would be a facade. Our marriage would be fundamentally broken, and I would want to know that. Whether we would be able to rebuild the marriage is a separate question. It doesn't automatically follow that an affair would end things, but I would have to know in order to be able to make that informed decision. And in my life, so very many actions I take every day are based on the information I currently hold. Him being unfaithful to me would change my informed consent on every little thing. I wouldn't be staying home wiping butts while he's having sex with someone else. I would NOT have sex with him if I knew he'd had sex with someone else hours before, and he knows that. It would be a 24/7 deception.  

 

If the actual sex part doesn't matter and you reject the equation of sex with trust, respect, and intimacy, why would it matter if you knew? The entanglement of the issues is a huge deal to me, and that's why I want to know. If they weren't valuable to me, the knowledge of an affair wouldn't change my life at all. 

[Guest]

So really there is never 100% trust. Because how can a person say both, I trust this person completely, but someone better tell me if he's cheating on me.

 

I still don't believe that my husband would be so bad at cheating that someone else would notice before I did. But I guess I'm all up in his business all the time (not a euphemism haha).