Pam "SFSOM" in TN Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 (edited) Thanks for being so kind, everybody. Today is a new day. Edited October 6, 2008 by Pam "SFSOM" in TN Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Well, as long as duct tape wasn't involved try not to beat yourself up too much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam "SFSOM" in TN Posted October 6, 2008 Author Share Posted October 6, 2008 Well, as long as duct tape wasn't involved try not to beat yourself up too much. An disproportionately hard spanking was involved. At bedtime, no less. She was *removed* from her tucked in state and summarily spanked and told what was what. I was venting frustration for her ever-so-subtle brattiness and whining. I need to be a lot less Joan Crawford and a lot more Laura in China. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Well, just look on it as a cheap lesson for both of you. Little fannies are hard to damage permanently. Give her some hugs and kisses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janna Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 An disproportionately hard spanking was involved. At bedtime, no less. She was *removed* from her tucked in state and summarily spanked and told what was what. I was venting frustration for her ever-so-subtle brattiness and whining. Aww...:grouphug:, Pam. Just so you know, I've BTDT - the exact same punishment as you described. Probably for the exact same reason. And probably with the exact same tone in my voice, or most likely, worse. Yes, it's awful. Yes we feel horribly guilty. For a long time. But I will say, that there was always a marked improvement afterward, and for a good long time. You have older dc and they have turned out beautifully, yes? My dd (my oldest) got the majority of my wrath as I was a new mother, young, and didn't know how foods could drastically affect my mood. She has turned out beautifully so far and I know yours will too. Just make sure there is a heartfelt apology for the anger, while still holding to the bratiness NOT being O.K. and give lots of hugs. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: (lots of hugs to you, too.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemyboys Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 An disproportionately hard spanking was involved. At bedtime, no less. She was *removed* from her tucked in state and summarily spanked and told what was what. I was venting frustration for her ever-so-subtle brattiness and whining. I need to be a lot less Joan Crawford and a lot more Laura in China. Ugh, ugh, ugh. :grouphug: Don't you hate it when bad stuff happens at bedtime. I always feel so crummy. In case it helps even a little -- my mother recently told me that she hated always having to yell at us kids at bedtime and she felt badly about it. I have no memory of this. None. My memory of her is mostly calm and loving, she was not a yelling mom. So, try to forgive yourself, it always seems worse when we put them to bed angry. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brigitte Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: (two of those are for you and one for dd) Oh how I have btdt! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 ...a much better mother than you give yourself credit for. I know this is true, no matter how much you try to convince me otherwise. I know you will hug your little bundle of mischief tomorrow, and that you'll tell her how much tonight made you sad, how you can't tolerate brattiness, but how that does not change your love for her. And, she will believe every word because you've proven them to be true. Hugs, friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zelda Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 :grouphug: Its not an easy thing, being the mom. I keep hoping I figure it out before my kids are grown. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beansprouts Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Well, as long as duct tape wasn't involved try not to beat yourself up too much. What's wrong with duct tape? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Oh, here you go. I had it this afternoon. I did a fine job of snapping, "I am not here just for you! I am a person entitled to my own thoughts!" at my 11 yod. Yeah, she was nagging me and being sarcastic but I still need to be the adult. Ugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beansprouts Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Well, just look on it as a cheap lesson for both of you. Little fannies are hard to damage permanently. Give her some hugs and kisses. What she said. Pam, I know you are a good Mama. As your kids kids grow up, they will know that they have been LOVED and will forget your "bad Mama" moments. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 I always weigh the age of the child Vs my anger. I mean, how much can a child know? Even if I tell them? They have so little experience of life compared to my own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam "SFSOM" in TN Posted October 6, 2008 Author Share Posted October 6, 2008 I always weigh the age of the child Vs my anger. I mean, how much can a child know? Even if I tell them? They have so little experience of life compared to my own. I know. She's so tiny. And I have two big ones, so I *know* my anger is out of place and ridiculous. It was so much harder for me to see when my eldest was this age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Sorry, Pam, the trophy is lost somewhere in all my clutter. You can't have it until I get a clean house (that means you're safe for years!) :grouphug: For some reason I can a wonderful day with my kids but the moment I lose my temper - all I remember is having lost it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frontier Mom Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Sorry, Pam, the trophy is lost somewhere in all my clutter. You can't have it until I get a clean house (that means you're safe for years!) :grouphug: For some reason I can a wonderful day with my kids but the moment I lose my temper - all I remember is having lost it. Oh, how painfully true is this last statement. I blow it and there goes the whole day. Lately I've been blowing it on a regular basis with my two oldest. They seem to have no concept of time and they dawdle all day. Then, when they know they have gotten to me, the younger two have to hear it as well.:glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kris Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 It's my turn to put it in the display case of shame. Bah. I will *not* have a brat in my house. I will NOT. But sometimes, I'm just too harsh and mean. Poor little kiddie. Oh, Pam! What an awful way to end the day. BTDT. Don't beat yourself up *too* much okay? :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenschooler Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Sorry about that, Pam. Some days are just no good. Don't worry, you won't be keeping the trophy for long. You're in good company - we all mess up. Remember that before you beat yourself silly - we all mess up sometimes. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 I always weigh the age of the child Vs my anger. I mean, how much can a child know? Even if I tell them? They have so little experience of life compared to my own. I want to be you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 An disproportionately hard spanking was involved. At bedtime, no less. She was *removed* from her tucked in state and summarily spanked and told what was what. I was venting frustration for her ever-so-subtle brattiness and whining. I need to be a lot less Joan Crawford and a lot more Laura in China. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I have done that. I have called myself a child abuser, knowing that I was not but knowing that what I did was beyond discipline and it was abuse to a degree. I am so sorry that you joined me in this hall of shame. There is no way to back up and take it away. 5 is such a wonderful age. So innocent, so sincere in their love for you. Yet because we are so easily frustrated sometimes they are the easy ones to take it out on. They can't stop us can they? Thank God that your heart is stopping you from doing it again. Go hug her while she is sleeping. Tell her you are sorry and that you love her. In her sleep, she will settle better and sleep more soundly. She needs that. In the morning, hold her in your arms and tell her you were wrong to lose your temper and that you should not have spanked her so hard. You are sorry. Hug her. Then tell her you have to talk to her. Then tell her what you expect out of her. And tell her that you have to follow through on discipline if she does not obey. That is for her safety that you teach her to obey. The story we use is this There was a man playing catch with his son and after he threw the ball to his son, he said in a normal voice "son, get on the ground and crawl to me". His son immediately dropped to the ground and crawled to his father. The boy then looked at his dad and said "why did I have to do that Daddy?" His father turned him around to look at the tree where just a few moments ago the boy had been standing. Directly above him, hanging from the tree was huge rattlesnake. "That is why son". I tell this story to my children to help them understand that obeying me could save their life. We also do the training thing that Michael Pearl from NoGreaterJoy.org or com says to do. I have a sentence that means to drop what you are doing, stop immediately and run to me. You must say I am coming immediately also. My sentence is "Come to me". I don't know why but it is. I trained my kids by putting them across the room and told them that when I said that they must drop whatever they are doing, and run to me. If they didn't they would get a spank. That means one spank on the bottom. When they did exactly right I would VERY enthusiatically kiss, hug and tell them how wonderful they were and how perfect they did. I did this with a huge smile. If they did not come immediately with one call, without me saying it but one time with a normal tone of voice, they would get a frowning spank. For 3 to 5 days we would do this about 10 times in a row once a day. I have only had to have a training day 1 time in 3 years and they instantly respond to "Come to me". We use the one time spank rule too. Because if I get frustrated, I am scared that I will lose control and spank too many times or do it in anger. If they do not do what I say the first time, and I do mean the first time, no second chances, I get up and go over to them and give them a firm spank on their bottom. And I do it without scowling . I try to do it with smile (not always successful) and tell them I love them too much for them not to obey me. My rules are to keep them safe, to care for them to prepare their future. Anger begets rebellion and separation. children get angry when you lose it on them and they don't trust you as they get older. You have to get their hearts now. So train them to obedience to you and you will spend your time winning their hearts and will find that you won't need to use the spanks any more. I hope this helps. Whining drives me nuts. My dd5 is the one that tries that. Oooh it is irritating but remember she is 5 and must be trained. This stuff is not natural, we have to teach. Remember the word discipline means : to teach. You can do this. You are not a failure, you are not a bad mother. Bad mother's don't care what they do to kids. So your post alone proves you are not one!!:grouphug::grouphug: Sunshine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Sorry, Pam, the trophy is lost somewhere in all my clutter. You can't have it until I get a clean house (that means you're safe for years!) :grouphug: For some reason I can a wonderful day with my kids but the moment I lose my temper - all I remember is having lost it. I'm contemplating the line "your mother needs a time out". We used to take long car trips. My mother, just as we got a motel room and were heading out for dinner, would inevitably take offense at something one of us (many) kids did, throw up her arms, refuse to go, and stay behind. My father would take us all, cheerfully, and the offending child would bring back a BLT as a carry out. She just needed to be alone after all day in the car. Luckily my father didn't, and I always remember the happy look on her face when I'd toddle up with the bag to give her, and how she'd smack her lips when she was done and say "that was delicious" (BTW, my son has the exact same line). It just "was", like the sun and moon and the stars, but they didn't have the kind of marriage where one could just say "I'm a little sick of you all right now, why don't you go on without me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 I need to be a lot less Joan Crawford and a lot more Laura in China. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I do, I really do. Sorry you had a bad day. Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 (edited) I want to be you. I think it's because I have the experience of older kids. The ones that come after the first seem that much more itty bitty. I get angry too much, and I'm working on that. But my anger doesn't always have much to do with the children. A spill is always just a spill, fi, but sometimes a spill seems like a huge thing depending on where I am in my head. Sometimes it seems like nothing...or an invitation to clean a floor that already needs cleaning. lol The degree to which I might feel anger over something has virtually nothing to do with my children's actions, I've noticed. Edited October 6, 2008 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 I know. She's so tiny. And I have two big ones, so I *know* my anger is out of place and ridiculous. It was so much harder for me to see when my eldest was this age. Ah, Pam, I think *knowing* it and living it can be two totally different things, unfortunately. We don't spank, but I can be...well, let's just say a yeller. I've managed to get it mostly under control these last few months, but the other day, under a combination of lack of sleep, lack of coffee, lack of very important supplements, and lack of food, the kids were being annoying in the car, and I was subsequently VERY annoyed. They both went up to their rooms sobbing while I went to bang my head against the kitchen wall. I apologized for the freakout, and will remember to have some coffee and take my supplements before gymnastics from now on :glare: It's a long, hard road, isn't it? I console myself with the fact that it's also important for our kids to see how you need to act in the wake of anger as well, making amends and discussing calmly. Is that enough of a silver lining? I sure hope so. Melissa (who just finished taking her morning "meds" :lol:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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