s/o my financial mindset as a person who was less wealthy

[momee]

Someone said this in the thread about middle class not being able to come up with $400 in an emergency.

""we have the money now, so let's spend it instead of saving it."  I don't really agree that low-income people naturally think that way."

 

This was me, my family, my financial "role-models", sadly.

 

Unfortunately I still think this way, at times, and probably in ways I don't even realize.  It is still a struggle for me to think differently even though we've been comfortable for years.

I felt led to share that for some of us with harsh backgrounds, it is a battle to replace dysfunctional attitudes about money with healthy ones.  Sitting in judgement is easy, but living the reality of poverty is not.

 

When you have had nothing to eat for days, or have been close to or actually homeless, it brings about a behavior that may not make sense to wealthier folks.  Spending what money you do have on doughnuts or going out to eat instead of saving that $25 seems sensible because what can that $25 really help with, anyway?

 

I've actually had this type conversation with myself in years past...

Why not buy the new jacket since I'm already in debt, what difference does it make to add another $40? (I didn't understand interest or debt).  I surely wasn't paying off that $500 department store credit card anytime soon.  Plus I had told my kids no for the past three weeks  I bought the stupid jacket.

 

My great grandmother, grandmother, mother and aunt were all single moms.  They grew up poor, they taught each other how to use the system (not welfare, mostly men - the kindness, generosity of others, etc.) My dad is 70, works two jobs, has NO retirement, is in debt, no money to come visit, asked us for money, etc. yet still spends money on pool table - house with a pool, whatever he wants.  "Let's spend it instead of saving it" is his life mantra I think.

 

I grew up poor, my mom worked two/three jobs BUT drove a new car, bought new clothes, had huge Christmases and gave extravagant gifts after drinking binges because she felt THINGS brought her normalcy, happiness, etc. 

 

Moving out of that mindset as an adult now living without drama! has been difficult.  Even now I battle attitudes and mental motivations regarding money that I KNOW are false but because of my lack of habit/early training regarding financial security and responsibility - the urge to act on them is still strong.  I work very, very hard to combat that lack of training and study/ask questions whenever I can.

 

DH lost his job years ago and I found myself HOARDING food.  An adult woman, living in a modest home, stay at home wife, My biggest fear was that our family would not eat.  Not losing the house - not losing a car - but starving.  I hadn't been without food for - I don't know - twenty years but his losing his job brought that desperate attitude back for me.  It was awful.  Proved to me the depth of that type of dysfunction, it is hard to overcome attitudes like that.  During that period, I bought a ton of food and even ended up throwing some of that stuff away because we couldn't store it or use it - it's not pretty to talk about but it was the truth.

 

I just felt I needed to share because I assumed (forgive if incorrectly) that from some of the comments made  there may be an ignorance of what it is actually like to LIVE daily, monthly without money/food/resources/a home.  

 

Not justifying any behavior that is harmful, selfish or short-sighted, just saying the mindset of someone dealing daily with poverty may be very different than your own.  For a variety of reasons.

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

Thank you. That was very well written and very respectful to both your intended audience and to your subject.

[Seasider]

Thank you for sharing. It is one think to have an opinion, and quite another to live the experience.

[Scarlett]

Someone said this in the thread about middle class not being able to come up with $400 in an emergency.

""we have the money now, so let's spend it instead of saving it." I don't really agree that low-income people naturally think that way."

 

This was me, my family, my financial "role-models", sadly.

 

Unfortunately I still think this way, at times, and probably in ways I don't even realize. It is still a struggle for me to think differently even though we've been comfortable for years.

I felt led to share that for some of us with harsh backgrounds, it is a battle to replace dysfunctional attitudes about money with healthy ones. Sitting in judgement is easy, but living the reality of poverty is not.

 

When you have had nothing to eat for days, or have been close to or actually homeless, it brings about a behavior that may not make sense to wealthier folks. Spending what money you do have on doughnuts or going out to eat instead of saving that $25 seems sensible because what can that $25 really help with, anyway?

 

I've actually had this type conversation with myself in years past...

Why not buy the new jacket since I'm already in debt, what difference does it make to add another $40? (I didn't understand interest or debt). I surely wasn't paying off that $500 department store credit card anytime soon. Plus I had told my kids no for the past three weeks I bought the stupid jacket.

 

My great grandmother, grandmother, mother and aunt were all single moms. They grew up poor, they taught each other how to use the system (not welfare, mostly men - the kindness, generosity of others, etc.) My dad is 70, works two jobs, has NO retirement, is in debt, no money to come visit, asked us for money, etc. yet still spends money on pool table - house with a pool, whatever he wants. "Let's spend it instead of saving it" is his life mantra I think.

 

I grew up poor, my mom worked two/three jobs BUT drove a new car, bought new clothes, had huge Christmases and gave extravagant gifts after drinking binges because she felt THINGS brought her normalcy, happiness, etc.

 

Moving out of that mindset as an adult now living without drama! has been difficult. Even now I battle attitudes and mental motivations regarding money that I KNOW are false but because of my lack of habit/early training regarding financial security and responsibility - the urge to act on them is still strong. I work very, very hard to combat that lack of training and study/ask questions whenever I can.

 

DH lost his job years ago and I found myself HOARDING food. An adult woman, living in a modest home, stay at home wife, My biggest fear was that our family would not eat. Not losing the house - not losing a car - but starving. I hadn't been without food for - I don't know - twenty years but his losing his job brought that desperate attitude back for me. It was awful. Proved to me the depth of that type of dysfunction, it is hard to overcome attitudes like that. During that period, I bought a ton of food and even ended up throwing some of that stuff away because we couldn't store it or use it - it's not pretty to talk about but it was the truth.

 

I just felt I needed to share because I assumed (forgive if incorrectly) that from some of the comments made there may be an ignorance of what it is actually like to LIVE daily, monthly without money/food/resources/a home.

 

Not justifying any behavior that is harmful, selfish or short-sighted, just saying the mindset of someone dealing daily with poverty may be very different than your own. For a variety of reasons.

Hugs to you. We get on topics here that trigger people in ways we never imagined.

 

I dont think any of us are talking about the childhood you came from. Middle class America shouldn't have trouble feeding their families or keeping on lights and heat. That fact that so many do is a symptom of some sort of money handling problem and / attitudes of entitlement.

 

And so much of this stuff gets lost in definitions...like our little bunny trail of what makes a beater car a beater.

 

The real heroes are the people like you who change their future by learning a new way.

[Rosie_0801]

I've mostly been the type of "financially challenged" where saving was worthwhile, but not always. When I wasn't, I mostly spent on educational things that will contribute to dd growing up safer. It's a strange thing when upper middle class ideas on education learned off this forum combine with a woeful bank balance.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I grew up very low income.  Not welfare type poor, but yes sometimes going without food poor.  Probably my parents could have gotten some assistance, but they were too proud.

 

I struggle with 2 things.  First, I always think I'm very broke and poor.  And I have this feeling of anxiety that I can't afford necessities.  And secondly, I do have some mild food hoarding issues.  It's not extreme, but yes I buy too much food pretty much always.  It just comforts me to have plenty of food.

 

I'm not awesome with money, but a heck of a lot better than years ago.  I'm not too afraid to spend money.  I figure whatever money I spend, no matter how little, it's a major stretch so what the hell.  Even though that's not literally true. 

 

But one thing that I don't believe is that money issues are some sort of moral failing.  Especially not when you consider there are some people who could cover the earth 10 times in 100 dollar bills.  Maybe more...I'm randomly guessing.  Do they deserve it more?  Did they necessarily work harder than other people?  We often think they do and that they did, but I don't know if that is really true. 

[hornblower]

nm 

Edited April 21, 2016 by hornblower

[momee]

One great, great thing about growing up this way - I am determined I will not abuse my kids, take for granted my husband's love, overlook someone because of their dress, habits, language skills or lack thereof, I will do better.  I am not my mother nor will I be doomed to repeat her experience.  I don't know, I guess that thread has hit something I try not to think on too often.  It is like looking back at a totally different me, yet still so much a part of me.

 

Anyway, thanks for the encouraging words, ladies.  I appreciate your responses.

[momee]

"The real heroes are the people like you who change their future by learning a new way. "

That is one of the most important things I think I've ever read about myself.  How kind of you to say.  Thank you so much.

 

YNAB, Mr. Money Mustache, Dave Ramsey, all sources I have become great friends with, lol.  Along with parenting books, books on being a gentle wife, etc.  It's like I am teaching myself how to live as a different person.  The person I have the skill set for - she couldn't cut it here - I have to daily step it up, and I am grateful for the push to do so.  My family - husband and kids deserve so much more.

 

I secretly long for a mentor who can walk beside me and show me how to meal plan, talk gently to my kids, care for a home, love a husband.  I've been doing this for 22 years and even have been blessed with opportunity to mentor others, but I never quite feel like I'm there yet.  I still look in the linen closet and think there's some secret skill set other ladies got from their moms that I missed out on.

 

Confidence is getting better the older I get, I'm more okay with me, but the area of finances, that's not something you just pick up a book and implement.  That's habit over years.  For better - or for worse.

 

 

[Scarlett]

I grew up very low income. Not welfare type poor, but yes sometimes going without food poor. Probably my parents could have gotten some assistance, but they were too proud.

 

I struggle with 2 things. First, I always think I'm very broke and poor. And I have this feeling of anxiety that I can't afford necessities. And secondly, I do have some mild food hoarding issues. It's not extreme, but yes I buy too much food pretty much always. It just comforts me to have plenty of food.

 

I'm not awesome with money, but a heck of a lot better than years ago. I'm not too afraid to spend money. I figure whatever money I spend, no matter how little, it's a major stretch so what the hell. Even though that's not literally true.

 

But one thing that I don't believe is that money issues are some sort of moral failing. Especially not when you consider there are some people who could cover the earth 10 times in 100 dollar bills. Maybe more...I'm randomly guessing. Do they deserve it more? Did they necessarily work harder than other people? We often think they do and that they did, but I don't know if that is really true.

Ha....I have trouble spending money. Sometimes it makes me physically ill. I really find it hard to find a good balance.

 

Yesterday afternoon I got in my car to deliver a meal to a terminally ill friend. I stepped into a totally sopping mess in my car. My headliner is all soaked and dripping...just a god awful mess. I had to go to my friends house. I was n the verge of tears the whole way. Then angry at myself for being upset over a soagy car when my friend has ALS. All of it crashed in on me when I got home. I couldn't even imagine how much it might cost to fix my car......and I just started crying and couldn't stop.

 

Thankfully I work for a man who owns a body shop. He has it now.....when I told him I had cried for 4 hours straight he looked at me like I was nuts and said, 'it is a hunk of metal, Scarlett, nothing to cry about'.

 

It is hard though. Weird things scare me.

 

Most of us have some issue from our childhood. We are all doing the best we can.

[momee]

"nothing to cry about"

 

I get it.

I totally do.

 

I've had this situation with someone who has dredged up alot from my past.  The friendship with her is triggering the strangest things.  I think those of us who have been through trauma deal with stuff while we're going through it as best we can, but not thoroughly.  Some of that regurgitates itself into our present lives.  This statement, "nothing to cry about" may be true.  It is just a hunk of metal, but what's behind that emotion is probably alot to cry about.

Hugs from one to another.

[Anne in CA]

Most people are more emotional about money than they ever realize. DH and I both have different emotional attitudes toward money. My parents are both terrible with money, dh's parents are both terrible with money. All four of our parents are only not pushing shopping carts due to their bad decisions because of inheritance. DH and I will not inherit anything at all, so it is stressful as we get closer to retirement and our business is growing slowly.

 

I know my dh gets scared when he can't make small purchases randomly with no thought to them adding up. I get scared when there is not enough savings in the bank. No one wins. I do think our business is growing and we will be fine in retirement, not rich, but fine. My one regret about not having more money is that I would have helped my kids more as adults. We help them here and there, but I think the trick to them growing wealth is help in the early years.

[Scarlett]

"nothing to cry about"

 

I get it.

I totally do.

 

I've had this situation with someone who has dredged up alot from my past. The friendship with her is triggering the strangest things. I think those of us who have been through trauma deal with stuff while we're going through it as best we can, but not thoroughly. Some of that regurgitates itself into our present lives. This statement, "nothing to cry about" may be true. It is just a hunk of metal, but what's behind that emotion is probably alot to cry about.

Hugs from one to another.

 

 

I realized the car thing.....my mom...she was a rock star of managing resources. But she had a lot of issues with her cars. Last night crying about my silly car....I felt the weight of years of worry crashing down on me.

 

My boss really did help me......I mean really I was being emotional about a piece of metal....that can definitely be fixed.

 

Oh and my awesome husband came home from Bible study ( that I missed bcause I was sobbing) and shop vac'd the water out...and pulled up the carpet.....and then at 1:00 a.m when he saw that a storm was about to hit he went out and tarped the whole car. I heart him.

[gardenmom5]

 

 

I struggle with 2 things.  First, I always think I'm very broke and poor.  And I have this feeling of anxiety that I can't afford necessities.  And secondly, I do have some mild food hoarding issues.  It's not extreme, but yes I buy too much food pretty much always.  It just comforts me to have plenty of food.

 

I'm not awesome with money, but a heck of a lot better than years ago.  I'm not too afraid to spend money.  I figure whatever money I spend, no matter how little, it's a major stretch so what the hell.  Even though that's not literally true. 

  

 

I still struggle with going to the dr.  too many years of no insurance and hefty medical bills.  that paranoia has kept me from the ER/inpatient tx a couple times.  even now, when we really can afford it. 

 

My family came to a new country in 77 with just a couple suitcases. Two of us didn't speak the language. 

I have been through periods of extreme frugality.  

For that matter, where we came from, hunger was real. 

To assume that those who make different financial decisions don't understand or haven't experienced poverty is also a mistake. 

there was a man who was giving us a "lesson" on the financial needs and struggles of people in poverty.  I kept trying to change the subject - but he refused to take a hint.  (including the repeated blunt "you don't know what other people have experienced". implied shut up!)

 

I've lived below the poverty level with four children (including one with a medical need) and a mortgage, you just sit on your ivory tower and lecture about it while patting yourself on the back about how compassionate you are towards people in financial distress.  (the most broke you've even been in your life was as a newlywed grad student.)

 

He called me three weeks later to apologize for whatever he said that had offended me . . . I just handed the phone to dh. 

 

I think the thing that frustrates me most - is how common his attitudes actually are, and  not only were they completely clueless, they're condescending and patronizing.

 

eta: He had NO CLUE about our background. he thought he was talking to his financial/social peers  who had never been through hardship. his attitude is what I found most offensive.

 

One great, great thing about growing up this way - I am determined I will not abuse my kids, take for granted my husband's love, overlook someone because of their dress, habits, language skills or lack thereof, I will do better.  I am not my mother nor will I be doomed to repeat her experience.  I don't know, I guess that thread has hit something I try not to think on too often.  It is like looking back at a totally different me, yet still so much a part of me.

 

Anyway, thanks for the encouraging words, ladies.  I appreciate your responses.

 

My grandmother grew  up on a farm (generations of farmers) - they always had enough to eat, but not much extra money.  even when she was in her 80's - she was complaining her father didn't bail  her out when their hogs died  from the cholera epidemic that  hit during the 30's. 50 YEARS later.  I don't think he had money to do so. (I've looked at census records that show income and property value). she scrimped and saved, and it was very important to her to have money to "bail out" her posterity.  several of her sisters (she had no brothers) married men with "comfortable" incomes, and she was always jealous and very covetous they had *more* "things" than she did.  I got reminded how much of that attitude was passed down to us when I visited with my brother last month.  he was making snide comments I drive a 16yo van (I like it and it works fine.) - and he's on his 2nd new car in 7 years.  (I'm  married to  spouse 1.0, have a good relationship with my kids, own my home, etc.   NONE of which he can say.   so,  I can ignore him and let him get his digs in and feed his ego.  it's a remarkably hollow victory and one more reason I think he is pathetically insecure..  it was just it reminded me of how we were raised. grandmother has been dead for 20+ years.)  and how much those years of poverty/uncertainty made me not care about "stuff".  or plan.  (I can take my kids to the dr.  I can replace and fix things that need it. life is good.)

It has taken conscious effort at times - but the perspective is valuable.

Edited April 21, 2016 by gardenmom5

[gardenmom5]

"  I think those of us who have been through trauma deal with stuff while we're going through it as best we can, but not thoroughly.  

 

when you're up to your eyeballs in alligators, it can be hard to remember your objective was to drain the swamp.

 

when you're in the middle of it, there's only so much you can deal with.  mostly you're just trying to survive.

[Tanaqui]

When you have had nothing to eat for days, or have been close to or actually homeless, it brings about a behavior that may not make sense to wealthier folks.  Spending what money you do have on doughnuts or going out to eat instead of saving that $25 seems sensible because what can that $25 really help with, anyway?

 

It's worth noting, also, that people aren't perfectly rational at all times. We simply aren't.

 

There is such a thing as "decision fatigue" - that is, when you have to make a lot of decisions, your ability to make good choices goes down the drain. Well, poor people have to make decisions all the time. "Do I pay the electric, or the gas? Maybe they'll go away if I throw some money at both of them?" "Do I buy the shoes now when they're on sale but I don't really have the money, or wait until we actually need shoes but they'll cost more?" "Do I buy this can of tomatoes or that one?" "Do I buy the one pound bag of onions or the five pound bag? Do we really use that many onions?"

 

They're not even fun decisions! And all that stress impairs your ability to make long-term plans. Meanwhile, you can go out, buy some doughnuts, and fill your stomach with delicious food RIGHT NOW, and your kids will smile too! Decision MADE.

 

Edit: Of course, I'm sure most of us know that, but ugh it's so good to vent sometimes.

Edited April 21, 2016 by Tanaqui

[gardenmom5]

It's worth noting, also, that people aren't perfectly rational at all times. We simply aren't.

 

There is such a thing as "decision fatigue" - that is, when you have to make a lot of decisions, your ability to make good choices goes down the drain. Well, poor people have to make decisions all the time. "Do I pay the electric, or the gas? Maybe they'll go away if I throw some money at both of them?" "Do I buy the shoes now when they're on sale but I don't really have the money, or wait until we actually need shoes but they'll cost more?" "Do I buy this can of tomatoes or that one?" "Do I buy the one pound bag of onions or the five pound bag? Do we really use that many onions?"

 

They're not even fun decisions! And all that stress impairs your ability to make long-term plans. Meanwhile, you can go out, buy some doughnuts, and fill your stomach with delicious food RIGHT NOW, and your kids will smile too! Decision MADE.

 

Edit: Of course, I'm sure most of us know that, but ugh it's so good to vent sometimes.

 

the whole stress of making what are very basic decisions is exhausting -and you eventually shut down.  I still struggle with planning on what to do to "have fun".  dh made me choose where we went on vacation this summer (he thought it would be good for me) - and even though I've long thought Banff would be cool, when it came down to it I didn't want to make any decisions that involved spending large sums of money.  even now, it can send me into an anxiety attack. it's less stressful to "do nothing".

[SparklyUnicorn]

I still struggle with going to the dr.  too many years of no insurance and hefty medical bills.  that paranoia has kept me from the ER/inpatient tx a couple times.  even now, when we really can afford it. 

 

 

Oh well thank you for reminding me of this... :lol:

 

(either I laugh or cry, I'll laugh)

 

But yeah that's a real legitimate fear.  My parents struggled because of the cost of their medical care.  Not from bad choices.  Not from poor planning.  Not from being lazy. 

[Scarlett]

Oh well thank you for reminding me of this... :lol:

 

(either I laugh or cry, I'll laugh)

 

But yeah that's a real legitimate fear. My parents struggled because of the cost of their medical care. Not from bad choices. Not from poor planning. Not from being lazy.

I feel your pain. Every time I go for a Mammo or pap I fear cancer.....but the cancer isn't my biggest fear...it is the money! And Dh has to have a knee replacement. Like now. He thinks he will last until November.....

[SKL]

I was brought up low-income too, but what it taught me was that spending money was something you only do if you have no other choice.  The idea of buying something we didn't need when in debt was highly guilt-inducing for my parents, and I internalized this.  I can remember buying used books from a thrift store and feeling guilty about it, even hiding the evidence.  I felt accountable for literally every penny I spent while I was in debt, and still while I was insecure about having a safety net after the debt was gone.

 

I guess like everything else, different people experience things differently.

[Tanaqui]

even though I've long thought Banff would be cool, when it came down to it I didn't want to make any decisions that involved spending large sums of money.  even now, it can send me into an anxiety attack. it's less stressful to "do nothing".

 

See also: "If I don't open those bills (that I can't pay) then it's almost like they never came!"

 

My mother does that, and she also does stress spending. I'm not going to say that her entire financial situation is due to this, because it's not, but hoo-boy, is that ever maladaptive!

Edited April 21, 2016 by Tanaqui

[gardenmom5]

Oh well thank you for reminding me of this... :lol:

 

(either I laugh or cry, I'll laugh)

 

But yeah that's a real legitimate fear.  My parents struggled because of the cost of their medical care.  Not from bad choices.  Not from poor planning.  Not from being lazy. 

there's a reason for black humor . . . . laughter is better than crying. . . . . one of fil's nurses  asked him why he was always in a good mood.  "why do it the hard way?"  he was going to die, and he knew it.

 

sometimes no matter  how hard you work to do things right and rational and are doing those things - circumstances get in the way . . . . for a long time, if things were going well, I'd become  paranoid waiting for the shoe to drop . . . 

I'm just very grateful I think that time is finally now in the past and will stay there . . . .

 

many years ago, I read an article that mentioned a woman who had come  through the brutal poverty of a war torn country.  the war was over and their family had succeeded in building a very successful and lucrative business.  her husband  bought her a *very* "nice" diamond ring.  of the type that many might consider conspicuous. .. . she would wake up to panic attacks, and look at that ring, and gradually calm down that those years were over.  it wasn't conspicuous for her.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I grew up very low income.  Not welfare type poor, but yes sometimes going without food poor.  Probably my parents could have gotten some assistance, but they were too proud.

 

I struggle with 2 things.  First, I always think I'm very broke and poor.  And I have this feeling of anxiety that I can't afford necessities.  And secondly, I do have some mild food hoarding issues.  It's not extreme, but yes I buy too much food pretty much always.  It just comforts me to have plenty of food.

 

I'm not awesome with money, but a heck of a lot better than years ago.  I'm not too afraid to spend money.  I figure whatever money I spend, no matter how little, it's a major stretch so what the hell.  Even though that's not literally true. 

 

But one thing that I don't believe is that money issues are some sort of moral failing.  Especially not when you consider there are some people who could cover the earth 10 times in 100 dollar bills.  Maybe more...I'm randomly guessing.  Do they deserve it more?  Did they necessarily work harder than other people?  We often think they do and that they did, but I don't know if that is really true. 

This sounds like me. Because of my parents' extreme poverty and my childhood 'not enough' poverty I hoard money, food, clothes. Not like hoarders on TV but I have things the 8 yo is wearing that I bought for my 24 yo. Probably 2nd hand. I constantly think I will be plunged into homelessness and hunger. I just can't relax about finances.My brain can see objectively that we have savings, a job, etc but that doesn't help my gut.

[Scarlett]

This sounds like me. Because of my parents' extreme poverty and my childhood 'not enough' poverty I hoard money, food, clothes. Not like hoarders on TV but I have things the 8 yo is wearing that I bought for my 24 yo. Probably 2nd hand. I constantly think I will be plunged into homelessness and hunger. I just can't relax about finances.My brain can see objectively that we have savings, a job, etc but that doesn't help my gut.

I have smiler issues. I can never relax for thinking about what Bill Needs to be paid or what might go wrong next.

 

Oddly what helps me is accepting that I have almost no control over the bad things that might happen. I just have to do the best I can and let the rest go.

[SKL]

Oddly what helps me is accepting that I have almost no control over the bad things that might happen. I just have to do the best I can and let the rest go.

 

Same here.  Otherwise there could never be a big enough nest egg, it would never be a good time to have kids, etc.  I can't predict tomorrow, I can't change yesterday, so I'll focus on today.  (That said, while I don't have a big nest egg, but it's enough to cover foreseeable needs and non-catastrophic surprises for a while - but, that is what I'm calling my kids' education fund, so they'd be outa luck if I needed it.)

 

Edited April 21, 2016 by SKL

[goldberry]

Just another perspective... I grew up middle class, with a dad who saved every dime and a mom who tried to spend every dime.  My mother grew up in Germany.  She saw first hand when money became valueless, and so did her parents.  It was very deeply ingrained in her that money itself was useless, it only had value for what it was spent on.  Therefore, spend it!  Go on trips with kids and grandkids, make memories...  In her mind, all the money my dad was saving could one day end up being thrown into the street.

 

Fortunately between the two of them, and since my dad was in charge of the money, they have a very stable life.  But boy, did it cause a lot of conflict!

[hornblower]

Just another perspective... I grew up middle class, with a dad who saved every dime and a mom who tried to spend every dime.  My mother grew up in Germany.  She saw first hand when money became valueless, and so did her parents.  It was very deeply ingrained in her that money itself was useless, it only had value for what it was spent on.  Therefore, spend it!  Go on trips with kids and grandkids, make memories...  In her mind, all the money my dad was saving could one day end up being thrown into the street.

 

Fortunately between the two of them, and since my dad was in charge of the money, they have a very stable life.  But boy, did it cause a lot of conflict!

my parents grew up in war torn Poland & that is not the value they absorbed at all.  

 

I think if any thing this thread has shown me that early experiences do not dictate a certain spending pattern later. Some people who grew up poor spend all the money they earn quickly, and some would say recklessly. Others become very deliberate savers and spenders.  Others become hoarders.  

 

 

[BarbecueMom]

I think if any thing this thread has shown me that early experiences do not dictate a certain spending pattern later. Some people who grew up poor spend all the money they earn quickly, and some would say recklessly. Others become very deliberate savers and spenders. Others become hoarders.

 

 

I agree. Instead of hoarding, I think poverty and food and housing insecurity fueled my extreme minimalist mindset. Owning things makes me feel... broke, I guess. Even if I didn't buy it.

 

I think I also have a deep desire to prove that spending money and buying things don't bring happiness, whatever that is, even though logically I understand the difference between real poverty and "voluntary discomfort". Still trying to convince my inner jerk face of that.

[SKL]

I agree. Instead of hoarding, I think poverty and food and housing insecurity fueled my extreme minimalist mindset. Owning things makes me feel... broke, I guess. Even if I didn't buy it.

 

I think I also have a deep desire to prove that spending money and buying things don't bring happiness, whatever that is, even though logically I understand the difference between real poverty and "voluntary discomfort". Still trying to convince my inner jerk face of that.

 

This could be why I feel very uncomfortable and more stressed out when other people spoil my kids with stuff.  I was taught that frivolous purchases lead to ruin.  That having too much stuff is dangerous.  That kids given too much stuff will have no sense when they need it.

 

The kind aunties think I am nuts when I get all flustered over the suggestion that my kid might like to have xyz goodie.

 

On the other hand, I have no problem spending on experiences (now that I have money for it).  It's "stuff" that freaks me out.

 

I also have no problem buying stuff for other people's kids.

 

So, I'm irrational too, but in a way that happens to lead to more savings.

 

Edited April 21, 2016 by SKL