Meadowlark's thread has gotten me out of chronic Lurk-land! I want another baby (I'll turn 40 in January) but...

[jana_suzanne]

I've been reading these forums for a year or so now and read Meadowlark's thread about "Am I too old to have another baby?" and it emboldened me to post my ponderings / inner debate.

 

I'm 39 years old (I'll be 40 in January).     I have one daughter who's nine years old (4th grade).    

 

I know I want another child, but the thought of homeschooling another 10 years after my daughter graduates/leaves the nest gives me tremendous pause.    When my daughter is 18 and leaving the nest, this (potential/not-yet-conceived) baby will be age 7 ! ! !    I began homeschooling in 2012 and I just don't know if I can do this THAT long!!! (and do it well/properly)

 

I'll be 48 when my daughter leaves home and I just dread not being at home full time (I'm a home body; I love running our farm) and I just don't want to be here alone all day while my husband's at work.    I've loved motherhood.  I've love the friendship I've grown with my daughter.   I love my husband too and we have a great marriage, but he's not home until 6:00 pm everyday!    We've both LOVED parenting and having a little person around!    

 

I used to have a career (I made roughly $100k/year) before motherhood.   I have NO desire to return to it.   I did that work for 8 years before we started a family.    So, I know what career-hood and mother-hood are both like.   

 

I've loved motherhood more than homeschooling to be honest.  I find homeschooling HARD work!!  I feel called to it, but it's not my favorite thing.   I do it because it's our duty.    It wears me out NOW at 39.    What will I be like at 49 with a 7 year old and, basically, starting over homeschool-wise??

 

We want another little person in our lives to love and enjoy!   Our  daughter is such a gift to us and we know another daughter/son will be as well!  But the whole homeschooling another extra decade is tripping me up !!!

 

And I know many of you have multiples and homeschool them successfully and I just take off a huge Mexican-sized hat to you as it BLOWS my mind how you do it!  

I have the one child and I find the five hours/day of 'doing school' to be a challenge!!!    It's just not my gift.  

Also, I just cannot stand the thought of putting a child into the local schools here.    That WILL NOT happen.

 

Why haven't I had a child heretofore?    We've had my mother (who had Alzheimer's) live with us for the past 7 years, and we both just couldn't take the thought of adding another responsibility to our plates.     My mom died this past June, thus I now have two brain cells to rub together to consider this dream finally.       

 

And I just fear if I'll have the ENERGY for this potential child!   It just scares me that I'll be less than I should be due to age/slowing down.

 

This reads more stressful than I really am.   I'm not really stressed out about these thoughts, but I am having them and they are causing me to slow down and THINK this through.      I'll be almost 60 when this little one graduates!!! (my husband is 4 months older than me, FWIW)

 

My husband would like another child too, but he understands the reservations as it's such a commitment.     (But I keep hearing that chapter title in Mary Pride's book, "Who's afraid of the Big Bad Baby?" echoing.......)

 

Any words of wisdom you can offer me as I ponder all of this?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ethel Mertz]

I know you don't want to put a child into your local school system, but could you think about homeschooling one year at a time? Maybe you don't even have to think about it in order to make this decision. The face of homeschooling is changing rapidly - online academies, co-ops, more materials to choose from (some of which are less teacher-intensive than others). FWIW, I was 44 when DS arrived on our doorstep as an eight day old infant. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I have an only child, and have always wanted more.  I say if you can get pregnant, do it!  Who ever regrets having one more awesome person to love?

You're not yenning to go to work.

You can incorporate your new baby into your life really well. 

I'm 58 and I'm not that much more tired than I was at 48, honestly.  (38, well, that's another story).  I kind of plateaued.  If it's the same for you, you will be fine.  And, BONUS, you'll have someone else to love!

[Lolly]

I wanted another one tremendously at around your age. Dh did not. I am so glad he didn't. (I even harbored a secret wish for grandbabies, even though I knew it would not be best.) I think we have a strong biological urge to reproduce as we approach those last possible reproductive years. Now that the last is graduated and off, I am so glad there isn't another one to start homeschooling. I am ready for this next season of my life. (I don't even care if grandbabies come along at this point. I actually don't have any baby desire left!)

[Kalypso]

I had my last at 40. There is only a 4.5 year difference between her and my 5th child. If you and your dh both want another child, then I would go for it. I would not let the homeschoolong issue get in the way of the decision.

[MistyMountain]

If you and you husband want a child have one. You will not regret having a child down the road even if they do not end up homeschooled. You do not know where you will be 7 years down the road. Life sometimes hands us curveballs. You may be in a different location or some new possibilities will open up locally. I met a mom at my kids' school who homeschooled her oldest all the way through and now with her much younger child she has him in an alternative school. There is a new option in my area that is a mix of homeschooling with an option for kids to take classes. You may find homeschooling so much easier the second time around. You can also just take things one day at a time. If it is working continue but when it stops find another solution.

[Cinder]

I mentioned in the other thread my youngest was born weeks shy of my 40th bday. My older 2 are 10 and 7 years older. At first it was actually easier adjusting to having a newborn, though the whole diaper bag thing threw me for a bit because I'd forgotten about carrying those extra things around. ha ha. Things got a lot busier when my olders got to high school age and they got busier with activities and school stuff. I find it's sometimes a hassle having to cart youngest everywhere to attend these meetings/events. But mostly it's just what our lives are, iykwim.

 

I will admit I'm a bit burned out on homeschooling and just don't have the enthusiasm I did with my olders. We're trying part-time private school to see if that's an option for us. A friend, about the same age as me, has dc that are about the same ages as mine, with a similar big gap between the olders and the youngest. But she hasn't lost any enthusiasm for homeschooling. In fact she feels more energized now that all her olders are in college and doing their own thing; she enjoys the extra time she can spend on her youngest.

 

Each family's experience is different. I hope you're able to find what works for you.

[AK_Mom4]

When oldest son left home for college, youngest DD was 8.

 

When oldest daughter left home for college, youngest DD was 10.

 

DD14 is much like an only child - with lots of personal slaves.   She has always had someone around (mom, dad, siblings, grandma) to hold her, carry her, help her out.  It has not hurt her a bit.

 

She enjoys being an "only teenager" with older siblings.  Benefits of experienced parents without the competition of close siblings.  Homeschooling her gives us flexibility that we didn't have with her older public-schooled sibs - we are taking off four days to travel to see her oldest sister's senior music recital.  Last year, we took a month and traveled to see relatives and oldest's sons graduation from college.

 

Having youngest DD was a great choice for us.

 

 

[73349]

I would encourage you to consider a worst-case scenario: your and/or your DH's health declines in your 50s, the younger child turns out to have fairly intense special needs and/or a difficult temperament, the public schools around you get worse, your retirement fund takes a dive, etc.

 

Then if it still sounds worthwhile, and you realize you could definitely deal with obstacles like that and still feel you've done right by your family, go for it.

 

(If it sounds like too much to handle, on the other hand, maybe a puppy or something is a better fit.)

[Mimm]

I disagree with making big life decisions based on worst case scenarios. Goodness, if you did that, you'd never do anything ever, especially have a child, at any age.

 

It's a good idea to realize that it's a long term commitment but I do think you're worrying about stuff that's years and years down the road. You'll handle it when you get there. You don't know what life will be like then. Maybe schools will be better. Maybe you'll live somewhere else. Maybe you'll love homeschooling so much it won't matter. Whatever happens, you'll be older and wiser and know what you're doing but it won't matter because each kid is different and they like throw curve balls your way. But if you enjoy motherhood and don't see wanting to return to your career, and your health is fine and money is fine, and you and your husband are on the same page... then I would go for it.

 

Don't be afraid of the big gap. I have an 11 year gap and their relationship is just so special, I wouldn't trade it for anything. :)

[Anne in CA]

Age gap has NOT been an issue in my family at all. My oldest is 12 years older than my youngest and they consider themselves best friends.

[....]

I also posted about our experience having a baby as older parents in the other thread.  Also, I'm 9 years older than my sister and we talk to each other almost every day...  We're always texting each other, calling, etc.  Just saying...don't be too afraid of the age gap thing.

[LinRTX]

I had my youngest at 41. At the time, my others were 14, 11, 1nd 7. Youngest is now 15. Oldest is almost 30. I started homeschooling when he had just turned 4. Youngest really does not remember oldest being home. She was 4 when he went to college. I could not imagine life without her. She is a joy.

[RioSamba]

I had youngest when I was 43.5! One year in, here is what I can tell you. I have difficult pregnancies, but this was my easiest pregnancy. The energy issue is physically harder, but emotionally easier. I have a much greater sense that the really physically draining part is for a season, and the older I get, the faster time seems to fly by.

 

Older DS adores younger (they are nine years apart), and watching their relationship blossom has been a peak experience in my life. DD doesn't like babies and small children very much. She loves the baby but isn't very involved with him. I think she will take an interest in him when he is four or five, and she will be like a spoiling aunt.

 

Logistics can be challenging, sometimes I feel pulled in different directions, and like no one is getting their fair share of me. That's how it feels on a really bad day. Mostly, it's like we have a cuddly, full time comedian at all of our activities and events.

 

Youngest is precious, and our family did not feel complete without him. I did not expect him to be like either of his siblings, and I did not expect to feel the way I felt in my twenties and thirties. Youngest brings his own special joy (and mayhem!).

 

I don't know if I will homeschool youngest. We will cross that bridge when we come to it.

[amy g.]

I realized that I have now been homeschooling 14 years and I still have a 9 and a 5 year old!

 

I am 49, and I am so happy that my mothering/homeschooling years are not drawing to an end in the next year or so when my middle daughter goes off to college.

 

The age differences have not been an issue at all. Last night, my 9 year old had a slumber party with my 21 year old at a neighbor's where she is housesitting.

 

One difference though is I LOVE homeschooling. I do it because it makes me happy, not because I think public schools are in any way horrible.

[Splash]

We added our youngest when we were 41 f No regrets though at times I'm a little sorry he spends so much time at the big kids events. Kids are now 20, 18, 16, 14 and 9

[nevergiveup]

Having another baby to avoid being lonely is a poor reason.

There is a real potential to have a child with birth defects at your age--are you prepared to care for a special needs child should that happen?

[Carrie12345]

Just wanted to let you know that double marathon homeschooling freaks me out, too!  My oldest kid is in college and my youngest is barely kindergarten,  We're in our 9th year of hs'ing (if you count a year of cyber K) and another 13 sounds like a LOT.  While I hope to avoid traditional public school, I'm almost certain I'll be considering alternative (to what we're doing now) options before my youngest graduates.

[jana_suzanne]

I really appreciate all this feedback!    Lots of good perspective and wisdom here for me to consider!  Thanks to you ALL !