bibiche Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 That changes a lot. I think I would just see the doc, get some meds, and go and be as supportive as I possibly could because it will probably be a pretty emotional trip. I'd think of it as a sacrifice that you make for the family. Maybe negotiate a weekend off for yourself for when you get back. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shawthorne44 Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Sunbathing at the pool is exactly the thing I knows he expects us to be doing together, and with the extended family who will, I'm certain, be parked with and around us daily. And with that comes the begging for me to get in the pool with them, to "look at this!", to "just try the slide," etc. And when I say no, I will get the pouty faces. And a lot of the stuff he'll be doing with the extended family will be with the adults, so I'll often be expected to have the kids with me. He asked me the other night, "So you'll be OK if I just roam the ship with the others?" And I know to him, that means he's leaving me alone to be my introverted self. But in reality, what it means is, "I'm going off to do this thing, and I'm not asking you to come with me, but I also want to have fun, so I'm not taking the kids." He doesn't even realize that he does it, but that's how it usually works out. The alternative is me being vigilant in pointing out that alone time is not alone time when there are three of us, but then that makes things tense between us, and since I know he feels like my introversion is already kind of a burden on the family (which I don't necessarily disagree with), I don't push it. Getting time to myself here is just going to take negotiation, and sometimes bringing it to light via the act of negotiation just makes things more tense. And I don't want that to happen on this trip, which is why I think I'm dreading the social aspect so much. Advocating for myself is going to bring all that stuff up, so I know I won't as much as I should, and then I'm not going to be able to meet my own needs, and I'll be stressed. Does that make any sense? Huh. There's a lot going on under there that I didn't even realize before I typed it all out! oh, yeah. I can see how that could be a problem. Sunbathing as a social activity? Man, those people really are extroverts. Develop a sun phobia. it is so bad for your skin, and the chemicals aren't that great either. That way you can at least get downtime while they are by the pool. Have you looked into the kid's activities? If they are attractive you might have built-in alone time. DH wanders around with extended family, extroverted kids go to kid's activities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 I am sorry this is so complicated. I think you need to sit down with your DH before the cruise and make some very firm agreements about alone time and him spending time with the kids. And then hope for the best. Or feign sickness on the second day so you get to rest in the cabin to escape the sunbathing and pool socializing with the in-laws (groan - not even all extroverts think of this as a recipe for a good time ). I'm only half joking. If it is intolerable and you must go, that would be the only escape route. Just how long IS that cruise? 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jyhwkmama Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Sunbathing at the pool is exactly the thing I knows he expects us to be doing together, and with the extended family who will, I'm certain, be parked with and around us daily. And with that comes the begging for me to get in the pool with them, to "look at this!", to "just try the slide," etc. And when I say no, I will get the pouty faces. And a lot of the stuff he'll be doing with the extended family will be with the adults, so I'll often be expected to have the kids with me. He asked me the other night, "So you'll be OK if I just roam the ship with the others?" And I know to him, that means he's leaving me alone to be my introverted self. But in reality, what it means is, "I'm going off to do this thing, and I'm not asking you to come with me, but I also want to have fun, so I'm not taking the kids." He doesn't even realize that he does it, but that's how it usually works out. The alternative is me being vigilant in pointing out that alone time is not alone time when there are three of us, but then that makes things tense between us, and since I know he feels like my introversion is already kind of a burden on the family (which I don't necessarily disagree with), I don't push it. Getting time to myself here is just going to take negotiation, and sometimes bringing it to light via the act of negotiation just makes things more tense. And I don't want that to happen on this trip, which is why I think I'm dreading the social aspect so much. Advocating for myself is going to bring all that stuff up, so I know I won't as much as I should, and then I'm not going to be able to meet my own needs, and I'll be stressed. Does that make any sense? Huh. There's a lot going on under there that I didn't even realize before I typed it all out! This is how you handle this: In a completely unemotional and upbeat way you say, "Sure, no problem! I will hang at the pool with the kids today. However, tomorrow I would like to do some exploring/relaxing on my own, so I need you to hang with the kids from 12-5." As long as you stay upbeat and keep it a willing and ongoing peer to peer compromise, I have found that things stay happy. Keep it fair-even slightly in his favor since it is "his" trip. Keeping emotion out of the negotiation is really key. As for your inlaws, read a book as much as possible and listen to music if possible. If they beg you to do things in the pool, give them an upbeat "beandip" (Thanks for asking, but I am so enjoying this time poolside in the shade!) People who are disappointed when you politely refuse them are impolite. Their feelings are their problems. You do not control their feelings. Let it go! ETA: Positivity at all times with firm boundaries is really the key. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jyhwkmama Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 One more thing: You are an introvert. You husband married you as an introvert. You DO NOT need to apologize for who you are to anyone EVER! 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Buy the drink package for yourself and get drinks that aren't obvious as to what they are...isn't that the way everyone deals with family gatherings? :leaving: 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 OK so the trip is very important and there are aspects of the trip you cant get out of. You need to make a couple of lists and organize things in terms of what you can handle. Don't spend time worrying about what you can't fix now. Put together all the information you can get an put your energy into creating an itinerary that is doable. What activities are command performances for the whole family (the formal dinner)? You need to look at the activity schedule with dh and tell him you cannot all be together all of the time. This will happen X times he is to pick X number of events where it will happen. (perhaps it will just be the formal dinner) Confirm whether or not kids club is free and whether or not your dc are eligible. If you have to make reservations for days or evenings they will be in kids club do so now. It could be a big relief for you to know that you will have z hours a day for 4 days on your own. Make it clear to dh that it is time for you to be on your own, not engaged with the adult ILs. If you aren't doing kids club and it is available, please reconsider. If kids club is not available, you need to carve out time. Your best bet is early am as another pp suggested. I'd make dh in charge through breakfast. Does the cruise have a schedule of activities available now. Can you look at it and figure out what kid friendly activities you can take the kids to and be an off in the corner spectator. Poolside movies might be fun for the kids to do while dh goes off with ILs. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 You will be SHOCKED at the dresses you can get for formal night for a song. SHOCKED. Which ship are you going on? Knowing that will help. I agree that doing anything in the mornings is a great time to be in a quiet space. Everyone who stayed up late the night before is sleeping! Another great idea: don't always eat in the formal dining room. Go to the buffet restaurant, load up your plate, and eat outside watching the ocean. We did this and saw wild dolphins and a killer sunset. Just amazing. Basically try hard to "go against the crowd" and you'd be surprised how alone you can be on a ship.l Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamakelly Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 I wore a $20 cocktail dress from Marshall's to formal night. There were some rules about no flip flops etc...so I brought cute sandals. Check the dress code ahead of time. How old are your kids? Most cruise ships have a great kids program with activities, late night parties and all sorts of fun stuff. You might be surprised how easy it is to find a quiet place in a cruise ship. Take the tour when you get onboard, they showed us all sorts of quiet places I wouldn't have found on my own. What cruise line are you going on? Check the schedule ahead of time online, and make a plan with your dh. At first everyone will probably want to do everything together, but it won't take long before everyone wants to do separate stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 :grouphug: I hope it ends up better than your best, optimistic hopes! One thought, which you don't have to answer: Do you have all your meds for any issues that might arise? I'm thinking of stony issues that we've shared in the past. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkTulip Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 First a little background - I am a total introvert, I have been on 10+ cruises with various lines, and a cruise with my DH'a family would be a huge challenge for me. Some thoughts that may help address things: If the cabin is booked for 4 people, there will be 4 beds - two that can be pushed together to make a queen or can be kept separate, and then two that will pull out from the walls on the side and come down like a bunk bed. Your cabin steward will pull the beds down in the evening and put them up in the morning so you won't need to mess with them. Each person can buy (or not buy) the drink package individually - it's not per cabin. So DH can get the drink package if he wants, but you don't have to. Don't stress about being super-formal for formal night. I never wear a floor-length dress and am fine. You'll see the full range of super-glam, to pantsuits, a-line knee-length skirts, etc. I think your bar mitzvah dress sounds great! On every cruise line I have been on, the kids club is free. Go on the first day to sign them up, get a schedule, etc. I like to give my kids the right to check themselves in and out, so they can come and go as they please. When cruising, we eat all meals together, but have periods of the day when we are all scattered - kids club, pool area, etc., but then meet up for an ice cream at say 2:00 just to check in. You don't need to stay in your cabin to get some privacy. One of my favorite places on any ship is the promenade deck. During the afternoons, it is pretty quiet and there are almost always comfy deck chairs. It's a great place to feel the sea air and read a book. We have never once signed up for a ship excursion. They are so much more expensive than just doing the same thing yourself. Check out your ports on the Cruise Critic Forums to get inexpensive ideas for each port that you can do yourself. One other idea is on port days, go into port with your family in the morning, then peal off and head back to the ship at lunchtime. The ship is wonderfully empty on port days and many spots you'll feel like you have the whole ship to yourself. Last of all, deep breaths! I know that going on a cruise with my DH's family would require a lot of strategic alone time, but like others have said, work it out with your DH before you go so it will be less stressful. Good luck! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs.Wilson Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Have you ever been on a cruise before? You haven't said what cruise line it is. That info can help us to help you. For example the Carnival cruise line has A LOT of kids activities, even for babies. They have a schedule you can go over with your kiddos and you just drop them off and pick them up. As far as bunks in the room... Yes, they are these twin beds that they pull from the ceiling while you are at dinner and they make them all up for you. One thing you need to know about cruises (I don't know if you've ever been on one) is that they aim to please you. Don't call and fret about the room situation. Call them and tell them you need two separate beds for your children and they will make it happen. They will bend over backwards (almost) to accommodate you on a cruise. If you don't like the dinner ask for something else. If you really like the dinner you can ask for more lol. Yes, they call it formal, but I believe as long as your husband is dressed nice (I don't think he has to wear a tie, but I could be wrong) and you aren't wearing flip flops or jeans you will be ok. You'll see people that look like they are going to prom, but more often you'll see people that look like they are just going out for a nice dinner. As far as sitting out and sunbathing that place is going to be crowded! Every deck with a pool is always crowded unless you go there early in the morning. Use that as an excuse. Show up a little later than everyone expects you and there won't be room for you. As far as food you will always find something you will like to eat. If nothing else you can get sandwiches and cookies from room service. It doesn't cost extra. If you want to do excursions then wait until you get to shore and you'll find people lining up to offer the same exact thing that was offered on the boat, but much cheaper. But, honestly, exploring the area is always more fun. Or, just hang out at the beach. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 You've gotten great advice. I was just thinking, is part of the trip anxiety about it being a sort of "grieving" trip? I am an extrovert, but I feel more introverted around some members of dh's family. I would not want to grieve in front of them. Had to, once--we took a trip to spread ashes on a boat. It was kinda hard. Is that part of the reluctance for you? Of course you don't have to answer. I got thru it because I had good news to focus on--we were newly preg with dd and shared that right after the funeral part. It certainly livened up the mood. I got some pressure to participate in a few things, but I said no. I didn't get my hair braided with all the girls, I didn't go on water slides, we didn't gamble--but we still had fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PamJBA Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Depending on the cruise line it's likely formal doesn't require a formal. A dress or nice dress pants will likely be fine. Add some jewelry if you need to dress it up a bit. Kids can either go to their own activities or be with family members. That's part of the benefit of traveling with extended family. With a bunch of extroverts, you should be able to sneak off from time to time. Claim a stomach upset and go to the cabin a bit or go read in the library. The deck chairs away from the pool empty out at night if you need an evening escape. There are plenty of places to be alone. Put your ear buds in and sunglasses on and be alone even in the crowd. Anti-anxiety meds and motion sickness meds my make you sleepy anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amber in SJ Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 I am an extreme introvert who is married to an extrovert who comes from a family of extroverts. DH becomes a thrill seeking child who never thinks once about the kids when he is with his family. It makes me crazy. We have had to negotiate for extended family vacations, for example: I am a morning person so I take the kids in the morning. I make sure they have breakfast and are entertained until lunch time. He can sleep in, take a scuba diving class, a parasailing excursion, a bike trip through the jungle, surf or just hang out with his family. In the afternoon he takes the kids, he can take them swimming, drop them off at the kid's club, hang out with his family at poolside with their kids, whatever he wants as long as he knows where the kids are & is responsible for getting them to dinner. I can do what ever I want for the afternoon. I usually read, nap or just be alone. We meet for dinner & have dinner together as a family and do after dinner things as a couple. His family thinks I am crazy. I don't care. This is what has to happen for me to remain sane while with them. Put on your blinders; do your best; ignore any negativity that comes your way. Remind yourself that it isn't your job to make sure everyone else has a good time. Good Luck! Amber in SJ 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Sunbathing at the pool is exactly the thing I knows he expects us to be doing together, and with the extended family who will, I'm certain, be parked with and around us daily. And with that comes the begging for me to get in the pool with them, to "look at this!", to "just try the slide," etc. And when I say no, I will get the pouty faces. And a lot of the stuff he'll be doing with the extended family will be with the adults, so I'll often be expected to have the kids with me. He asked me the other night, "So you'll be OK if I just roam the ship with the others?" And I know to him, that means he's leaving me alone to be my introverted self. But in reality, what it means is, "I'm going off to do this thing, and I'm not asking you to come with me, but I also want to have fun, so I'm not taking the kids." He doesn't even realize that he does it, but that's how it usually works out. The alternative is me being vigilant in pointing out that alone time is not alone time when there are three of us, but then that makes things tense between us, and since I know he feels like my introversion is already kind of a burden on the family (which I don't necessarily disagree with), I don't push it. Getting time to myself here is just going to take negotiation, and sometimes bringing it to light via the act of negotiation just makes things more tense. And I don't want that to happen on this trip, which is why I think I'm dreading the social aspect so much. Advocating for myself is going to bring all that stuff up, so I know I won't as much as I should, and then I'm not going to be able to meet my own needs, and I'll be stressed. Does that make any sense? Huh. There's a lot going on under there that I didn't even realize before I typed it all out! A lot of this sounds like it's 30% "what others expect of me" pressure, and 70% "my values require me to be excessively accommodating" pressure. You say your Dh asked if "it would be ok" if he wanders off and leaves you with the kids. It actually isn't ok. Why didn't you tell him that? I think when people ask you for your thoughts, feelings or "ok-ness" they deserve accurate information in response to that. Otherwise they are bound to make crummy decisions. With your relatives, it's ok to say: "I think you need to learn to take no for an answer." Continue as needed, "I'm really quite happy where I am. Keeping at me is not encouraging me to have fun, it's starting an argument with me, and that's not fun." Also, your introversion is not a "burden on the family" it is a fundamental and important part of the family you have formed. If it comes to talking of "burdens" it is just as logical to say that the extroverts burden the introverts (with expectations) as it is to say that the introverts burden the extroverts (regarding solitude). However it's wiser just to aknowledge that you are all different and you all have to cope with that: and you all benefit from each other'so strengths. You chose each other for a reason. Your hubby should not feel free to deminish you for your reactions to expectations he is creating out if thin air. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 I was just thinking, is part of the trip anxiety about it being a sort of "grieving" trip? No, I'm really OK with that. And we've been grieving together for a long time now. It's more that I want this trip to be as special for my DH as he wants it to be, but in order to help that happen, I'm afraid that it's going to come at a cost for me. And I don't have a whole lot of emotional resources to spare these days. I don't want to resent him, but I don't want him to resent me either. I really want this trip to be a good one for all of us. I think the idea of sitting down beforehand is a good idea. I'll need to wait a bit though, after last night and the back and forth over the room. We're not upset with each other, but I let my anxiety ramp up and get the better of me and he was annoyed with my harping. I need to leave it alone and let it all go neutral for a bit! Ativan sounds really good. I could maybe use some tonight :lol: I realized today that I'm due for my period in a day or so, so I think that might be fueling my stress as well. Rescue Remedy isn't doing a thing for me. I had high hopes for that stuff, but no. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 :grouphug: I hope it ends up better than your best, optimistic hopes! One thought, which you don't have to answer: Do you have all your meds for any issues that might arise? I'm thinking of stony issues that we've shared in the past. Yes, I do, thank you! I travel with them in my travel kit. I don't ever want to be caught without them. Could you imagine? Oh my word. I can't even think about it. That would sure solve my social requirement issues though :lol: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 There are so many places you can be alone on a ship, and the kids' club is generally pretty wonderful. (If your dd doesn't enjoy all the socialization and needs a respite from it, can you make it a point for you and she, or she and dh to do a special thing together while the sibling goes crazy with all the activity?) You haven't said what ages your kids are, but if they're old enough, they would probably really enjoy chumming around a bit on the ship together or with cousins -- it's a pretty safe place for them to roam a bit, as long as you've given them a good dose of cautionary advice. Depending on the cruise line, mid-morning or mid-afternoon can be perfectly delightful times to have a quiet snack at the little café or diner. That would be the kind of treat that would work well for a father/kids treat, especially if it becomes "their thing." Similarly, father/kid pickleball or tennis or rock climbing, or even "le grand tour of the boat" hikes -- all these can be special when there's a sense of "you and me building memories" brought to it by a parent. (The 50's Diner will forever be enshrined in my family's memories -- the kids and Dad had brownies with ice cream every single evening for a week!) Finally, no one has mentioned the evening shows, but in general, although we'd almost never pay to go to a show on land, we usually really enjoyed the cruise shows. That would be something *very* easy to duck out of Finally #2 (ha!), it would help if your dh advocated for you, "Precious Wife needs to recharge, and one of my goals for her this week is to give her a bit of alone time, because that helps her be her best self. She holds our family together 24/7/365, so I've asked her to be sure to take her needs into consideration this week. I was sure you would all understand." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storygirl Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 I'm sorry you are having so much anxiety about this, and I hope that at the end of it all, you find that it was an amazing vacation after all. First of all, DH and I went on a couple of cruises where we bought nothing extra. No drinks, no excursions, no souvenirs, nothing. And we had a great time. So if you can't afford the extras, you can still enjoy yourself. If your husband wants to have a few drinks, I agree with him having a daily budget for that. When you are in port, you can get off the ship and explore by yourself. There will be people at the dock offering inexpensive excursions (sometimes half the cost of buying them through the cruise line). Just be sure you get back to the ship before departure time. Many ports have good shopping that you can just walk to. It can be fun to walk around to see the local crafts even if you do not buy anything; although in some places the vendors are pushier than others. The other option on port days is just to stay on board the ship. This can actually be the best time to enjoy the pool minus the usual crowds. Next, on formal night, you will see every kind of clothing, from ballgowns and tuxes to a dress one would wear to church, to a nice top paired with pants. And you will probably see some people who are more casual than that. And it's all okay. Wear the dress you have. Find an inexpensive summer dress for your daughter (but get her a sweater, because sometimes the dining rooms are cold), and you will be fine. Don't worry about being cooped up in the room with your family. We spend very little time in the room, except for sleeping, showering, and changing clothes. The rest of the time we are out and about on the ship. I was on a two-week cruise with seven people in two adjoining inside cabins with no windows, and it was completely fine. You will have a balcony, right? So you will have a little space to get away even when you are together in the room. And I say you should use that balcony to your advantage. When your husband wants to be out and about with his family, check your children into the kids' clubs and return to your room to hang out on the balcony with a book by yourself. Since it is a family trip, you won't want to isolate yourself all the time, but take a couple of hours every day to recharge and be by yourself, and don't feel guilty about it at all. Even better, find a quiet nook of the ship (look inside for the library or lounge instead of looking outside, where most people will hang out), and don't tell anyone in your family where it is. Disappear to your private place every once in a while when everyone else is busy having their extrovert fun. And don't feel guilty about it! I actually think going on a cruise with a group provides a lot of easy ways to find alone time, compared with another kind of vacation. About seasickness -- buy some Seabands to wear on your wrists. Buy some bonine and start taking it the day before you board the ship. The first night is often the rockiest as the ship moves away from land; once you are out on the sea, it should be calmer, and you can think about discontinuing the medication. Don't wait until you feel sick to start taking it, though. Ginger also helps. Some people take ginger capsules, or you can see if you can take some individual bottles of ginger ale in your luggage (some cruise lines allow this, and some do not). I know you don't want to vent to your husband, but I do think you should have a heart to heart before you go. Ask him not to pressure you to participate in family activities (going down the slide, etc) that you will not enjoy. In fact, if going in the pool is an point of anxiety for you, just avoid packing a bathing suit. You can hang out by the pool in your regular clothes, and it will be fine. I never dress in my suit to sit out on the deck, and in fact I usually don't even put one on during a cruise. Be sure to pack a couple of sweaters or wraps. It can be breezy up on deck even in the summer, and I often want to wrap up in something. And it is sometimes cold in the dining rooms and theater. I have been on a couple of family vacations with DH's family, and although they are lovely people, it can be trying to spend so much time with people who have different ideas about what constitutes "fun." So I get it. But there are fun things about family trips, too. Maybe if you make a little list of the things that you are looking forward to --even if they are small things, like getting to read a book you haven't had time for -- and read over it each day, it can help you set your mind in a more positive direction. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.