Splitting up a family (temporarily)?

[Catwoman]

I'll butt into your conversation and say that I for one did think that some posts were attempting to shame the OP. Most posts were an attempt to be helpful, even if the wording was awkward, but there were a few that were openly judgmental and outright rude, imo.

I didn't think that was the case when Gil first posted about it, but now.... well... in light of a few of the recent posts, I absolutely agree with you.

 

And what makes it worse is that the OP has already made her decision, so there is no reason to keep criticizing her for having had an idea and wanting some advice about it.

 

I think the OP has been remarkably gracious in her responses.

[Guest submarines]

But can he need his dad because of his behavior instead?

 

In the end, the positives of being home with mom (who is around more) and siblings (who wouldn't be going) and the possibility that the logistics might not be the best with dad may be a good reason for him not to go. I guess I just am seeing a - perfectly understandable - bias that being with the mother in and of itself is better and this sentiment is an example. Why is the mother more equipped to help his behavior? Or why is she more likely to solve the problem? Or why is the father less likely to? Or is it somehow more important that he have bonding time with his mother so that she be the one to "solve" it? And if so, why?

 

I think most people, pro and con here, including you, Tibbie, are bringing up good points. But I think Gil is right that there's a bias that "mother is best" being presented as well.

 

Because the OP said that her DS "behaves better for DH." For a 4 year old this most likely means that he is feels safe to "lose it" with mom, and not with dad. Though of course there could be a variety of other reasons.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't think there is anything wrong with the idea if that works for you, but that would kill me.  My MIL over the years mentioned one of the kids going there to stay for longer periods of time.  Hell no.  I couldn't hack that.  Of course your husband is also probably not bat sh* crazy like my MIL.

 

 

[Farrar]

I didn't think that was the case when Gil first posted about it, but now.... well... in light of a few of the recent posts, I absolutely agree with you.

 

And what makes it worse is that the OP has already made her decision, so there is no reason to keep criticizing her for having had an idea and wanting some advice about it.

 

I think the OP has been remarkably gracious in her responses.

 

Incredibly gracious. The nastiness toward her even being willing to think outside the box for ways to help her ds, help him bond with his father, and help him have a great school experience that she doesn't think she can give him is just astounding to me. There are good arguments against it which have been presented kindly, but there has also been some very rude shaming.

[Farrar]

Because the OP said that her DS "behaves better for DH." For a 4 year old this most likely means that he is feels safe to "lose it" with mom, and not with dad. Though of course there could be a variety of other reasons.

 

I already explained that I think it's unfair to assume it's not for one of the variety of other reasons, as you say.

[LucyStoner]

I think that if the situation were reverse- mom was in the NG and deployed and dad was juggling 4 young kids at home (working out of the home or not) and this idea was bounced around the reactions would be different and less nasty. It would suddenly be a way for one child to get quality time with a parent and oh look, in a quality PK program. Just food for thought.

 

If I were in the OP shoes I would consider seeing if, due to the financial situation or military service any local PKs had scholarships that you could benefit from. It's hard to be 4 and trying to find stuff to do while mom is homeschooling older children.

[Carol in Cal.]

I've been supportive of parents putting their preschoolers into quality developmental preschool programs, allowing them to have mornings free for homeschooling older kids, but that is a far cry from 9 hours a day--it's more like 3-4.  That's a big difference for a four year old.

[Guest submarines]

I already explained that I think it's unfair to assume it's not for one of the variety of other reasons, as you say.

 

I was just going by the OP's first post. It is not about fairness. She posted on a public board, I read the post, assessed the information provided (no matter how limited) and came to my conclusion, fully admitting that the initial info could be limited, and that my conclusion might be entirely incorrect. (But is more probably than others, in my opinion and based on my general knowledge). You obviously came to a very different conclusion and that's fine.

 

I'm genuinely interested to hear about the other reasons a 4 year old would "do better for daddy" in the context of the OP, taking all the other details into account. I do have some in mind, but they would *definitely* be unfair to the OP.

[Guest submarines]

I think that if the situation were reverse- mom was in the NG and deployed and dad was juggling 4 young kids at home (working out of the home or not) and this idea was bounced around the reactions would be different and less nasty. It would suddenly be a way for one child to get quality time with a parent and oh look, in a quality PK program. Just food for thought.

 

If I were in the OP shoes I would consider seeing if, due to the financial situation or military service any local PKs had scholarships that you could benefit from. It's hard to be 4 and trying to find stuff to do while mom is homeschooling older children.

 

I really don't think so.

[Farrar]

I was just going by the OP's first post. It is not about fairness. She posted on a public board, I read the post, assessed the information provided (no matter how limited) and came to my conclusion, fully admitting that the initial info could be limited, and that my conclusion might be entirely incorrect. (But is more probably than others, in my opinion and based on my general knowledge). You obviously came to a very different conclusion and that's fine.

 

I'm genuinely interested to hear about the other reasons a 4 year old would "do better for daddy" in the context of the OP, taking all the other details into account. I do have some in mind, but they would *definitely* be unfair to the OP.

 

Some kids need structure and some parents are better at giving that certain structure in a way the child responds to. I don't mean in a bullying way or threatening or anything. It doesn't mean the other parent is "bad" - their way of doing things might work better with other kids. Sometimes one parent is also just more sympatico with a kid - they may share an outlook on the world or a similar personality. Again, nothing bad on the other parent, just how things are. Sometimes, especially at such a young age, it's just stubbornness or attachment. Again, no fault of the other parent, just how kids can be sort of irrational and want daddy or mommy at certain times and not the other parent. 

 

Like I said in my other post, I'm a huge advocate that kids bring us their worst behavior because they feel safest with us... but I don't believe the converse - that kids who behave well don't feel safe - is always true.

 

I'm not even sure what unfair implication that could have for the OP. She's his mom and is clearly trying to figure out what's best for him here. Why is anyone thinking anything unfair about her?

[Catwoman]

I think that if the situation were reverse- mom was in the NG and deployed and dad was juggling 4 young kids at home (working out of the home or not) and this idea was bounced around the reactions would be different and less nasty. It would suddenly be a way for one child to get quality time with a parent and oh look, in a quality PK program. Just food for thought.

If I were in the OP shoes I would consider seeing if, due to the financial situation or military service any local PKs had scholarships that you could benefit from. It's hard to be 4 and trying to find stuff to do while mom is homeschooling older children.

  

I really don't think so.

I don't think so, either. I think people were genuinely concerned about the 4yo and that those of us who were against the idea of splitting up the family would have responded the same way, whether the OP was the mom or the dad.

 

I don't think anyone questioned the dad's ability to care for the 4yo, but we did question how much time he would have available to him, versus the time the OP has as a SAHM.

 

Another big factor was the concern about splitting up the siblings, which would have been the same whether or not it was the mom or dad who was living away from home.

[catz]

Actually, thinking about it, if this were something that just needed to happen (and I do suspect more is going on here that we don't know about), I might send the 2 school age kids.  They may handle an adjustment to all day school better and they would have each other.  Then younger two would get a little more mom time and the pressure for mom to do school would be taken off for a while. 

 

I have kids no one would ever call easy.  Someone said above their most difficult children are their neediest children.  That is true with my kids.  At some points I've had to full stop and just work at connecting with them in positive ways and finding out why they're being so hard.  I'm sure it's rough being a middle kid of 4 when dad's gone. 

 

Anyway - like I said before, my reservations have nothing to do with mom over dad.  More a huge adjustment for a 4 year old who is already struggling in some way.  I know some amazing single and stay at home dads. 

 

:grouphug: to the OP. 

[Rosie_0801]

I'm genuinely interested to hear about the other reasons a 4 year old would "do better for daddy" in the context of the OP, taking all the other details into account. 

 

Novelty is an obvious one. 

[lovinmyboys]

I considered sending ds4 to live with his dad because I really think it is possible he would be happier there. Maybe being at school would be more fun for him than trying to find something to do most of the day. Yes, he is home with me, and I definitely think there is value in that. I like to think that I am a good mom to him. I try to spend a block of time in the morning, afternoon, and evening doing an activity geared toward him or just with him (play a game, do a craft, let him help me cook or do a chore, read a book, watch his puppet show, etc). Still, that is probably just an hour a day. Obviously, he comes and shows me things or tells me things throughout the day. We eat together and I tuck him in for rest time and bed time. But, he spends a lot of the day entertaining himself. With dh gone, I have more responsibilities, which gives me less time with him. He may prefer to be at school with activities geared toward him and other kids to play with.

 

Also, I am really not sure why he is better for dh. He has always kind of preferred men. Dh was deployed when he was a baby, and he really bonded with my dad. He still really seems to be more comfortable around guys (which is something I haven't noticed with my other kids). He prefers me when he is upset, but I think he prefers dh when he wants to play.

 

Here is one example where he is always better for dh than me. If I read him 2 books (and tell him I am reading only 2 books) he will almost always throw a fit when I am done because he wants to read another one. When dh is done reading, DS just goes happily on his way. I have no idea why he does that, but it is a reason that I thought he may prefer to live with dh. It can't be fun getting so upset about something minor like that. Dh has never really "punished" him. I never get the impression DS is scared of him. He just naturally seems to respond better to his authority.

[LucyStoner]

I think assuming that any SAHM, in any circumstance, is superior as the "primary" caregiver is shortsighted and at times incorrect. But then again I know kids who are better off because their SAHP send them to preschool or daycare. So that colors my perception.

 

It's also indefensible to characterize even considering the very idea as being indicative of a bad relationship between the child and mother or to dismiss it as a mom of 4 just wanting a break. I mean HELLO, most of us have never been in the OP shoes. Where does anyone get off drawing such nasty conclusions? It really makes me wonder.

[Alte Veste Academy]

He just naturally seems to respond better to his authority.

This is true of both my boys and DH also. Truthfully, I think I just talk too much. LOL

 

And for the record, because it is still being discussed, my answer would not change at all if mom/dad roles were reversed because my answer was based on the child's/family's stability and on the fact that the needs of the Army will trump the needs of the child, which will almost assuredly make the situation less than ideal. I have said many times that my DH would make a better SAHD than I do SAHM. He doesn't get worked up. :lol:

[EmseB]

I think that if the situation were reverse- mom was in the NG and deployed and dad was juggling 4 young kids at home (working out of the home or not) and this idea was bounced around the reactions would be different and less nasty. It would suddenly be a way for one child to get quality time with a parent and oh look, in a quality PK program. Just food for thought.

 

If I were in the OP shoes I would consider seeing if, due to the financial situation or military service any local PKs had scholarships that you could benefit from. It's hard to be 4 and trying to find stuff to do while mom is homeschooling older children.

 

Purely from a military perspective, I would almost always advise against a single-parenting situation for an active duty member if it can be avoided.  It doesn't matter if it's mom or dad, unless the circumstances were extreme, or the kid was old enough to be independent (could get themselves around and could ride to the other parent on a plane by themselves if they needed to).  When I was in (pre-kids), I had a relatively stable job that had set shifts and my chances of getting deployed were very, very slim.  But it didn't keep leadership from calling us in on our off days for uniform inspections and other weird meetings, scheduling weird PT times, etc, etc.  I occasionally had conferences out of town.  I honestly don't know how single parents did it.

[Cinder]

Some kids need structure and some parents are better at giving that certain structure in a way the child responds to. I don't mean in a bullying way or threatening or anything. It doesn't mean the other parent is "bad" - their way of doing things might work better with other kids. Sometimes one parent is also just more sympatico with a kid - they may share an outlook on the world or a similar personality. Again, nothing bad on the other parent, just how things are.

 

I mentioned I knew a family that separated; this was essentially the reason. The dad and 4yo were just so alike--extroverts, liked going places, doing new things, thrived on all that stimulation. The whole move was an adventure for both. The mom and other dc were introverts. They'd go to work/school and just want to come home and unwind; they didn't look for an adventure around every corner. To be fair, the big difference with the OP's situation is that this family didn't homeschool; the 4yo was already in daycare. Even so, they felt splitting up as they did was the best way to meet each family member's needs during that time.

[catz]

Here is one example where he is always better for dh than me. If I read him 2 books (and tell him I am reading only 2 books) he will almost always throw a fit when I am done because he wants to read another one. When dh is done reading, DS just goes happily on his way. I have no idea why he does that, but it is a reason that I thought he may prefer to live with dh. It can't be fun getting so upset about something minor like that. Dh has never really "punished" him. I never get the impression DS is scared of him. He just naturally seems to respond better to his authority.

 

 

Many kids behave the worst for the people they feel most comfortable with.  I actually don't think this is unusual at all.  My kids to this day behave better for my DH.  I think if I went and worked full time and he were home full time, eventually it would come full circle and they would start pushing back harder on him. 

 

http://www.empoweringparents.com/angel-child-or-devil-child-does-your-childs-behavior-change-from-school-to-home.php#

http://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/behavioral/split-personality-behave-one-parent/

 

When my son went to school for 2 years, he was angel perfect kid all day at school.  He was 10X worse after school than he was before I ever sent him to school (and it's not like he was super easy before I sent him).  He could not hold it together at all at home and school was an extremely poor fit for him.  He did love part time preschool though.

[Katy]

Oh goodness, I hate mommy wars.  If this child were 3-5 years older and was being disrespectful and causing trouble and in general home school wasn't going so well but he was extremely respectful of other teachers I'd be willing to bet that more than half of us would be extremely supportive of a school trial.

 

A male child that's having trouble respecting his mother generally does VERY well getting more time and attention from a father that DOES respect his mother.  For one thing, after about ten days the "best behavior" thing kids do around non-primary caregivers fades away.  He will act like himself, and Dad will see that, and Dad will at the very least have a better perspective on the issues going on with this child.  And sometimes problems with boys not respecting their mothers are best handled by fathers.  Fathers can correct that, lecture and model better behavior and solve what could otherwise be a lifetime of future issues in just a few weeks of closer attention.

 

For some families daycare with integrated preschool is a wonderful thing.  There's a church blocks from me that encourages EVERY stay at home mom to enroll their preschool child into their school that's a couple of days a week so moms can have time to themselves or run errands without a preschooler.

 

I have several homeschooling friends who put their little ones into full time preschool.  It eases kids into an academic program.  It gets them out of the house so you can focus on older kids.  And sometimes a little social pressure from other kids at that age is good for kids.

 

I LOVE homeschool.  I do.  But if I had a particularly challenging child and I needed a break I'd do exactly the same thing, and I'm sure it would be good for the whole family.  It's not as if this is a permanent change.  People need to stop taking other people's decisions so personally, take a step back, and listen.  A break could be very good for this family.  And I for one am really excited that her DH is excited about this and the opportunity is coming up at exactly the same time as she needs a break.

[JuanitaL]

I considered sending ds4 to live with his dad because I really think it is possible he would be happier there. Maybe being at school would be more fun for him than trying to find something to do most of the day. Yes, he is home with me, and I definitely think there is value in that. I like to think that I am a good mom to him. I try to spend a block of time in the morning, afternoon, and evening doing an activity geared toward him or just with him (play a game, do a craft, let him help me cook or do a chore, read a book, watch his puppet show, etc). Still, that is probably just an hour a day. Obviously, he comes and shows me things or tells me things throughout the day. We eat together and I tuck him in for rest time and bed time. But, he spends a lot of the day entertaining himself. With dh gone, I have more responsibilities, which gives me less time with him. He may prefer to be at school with activities geared toward him and other kids to play with.

 

Also, I am really not sure why he is better for dh. He has always kind of preferred men. Dh was deployed when he was a baby, and he really bonded with my dad. He still really seems to be more comfortable around guys (which is something I haven't noticed with my other kids). He prefers me when he is upset, but I think he prefers dh when he wants to play.

 

Here is one example where he is always better for dh than me. If I read him 2 books (and tell him I am reading only 2 books) he will almost always throw a fit when I am done because he wants to read another one. When dh is done reading, DS just goes happily on his way. I have no idea why he does that, but it is a reason that I thought he may prefer to live with dh. It can't be fun getting so upset about something minor like that. Dh has never really "punished" him. I never get the impression DS is scared of him. He just naturally seems to respond better to his authority.

 

:grouphug:

My boys were 3/5/8 the first time DH was gone for a full year, and 7/9/12 the second full year  (I have no idea how many times he was gone for two weeks- 3 months). It feels like a lifetime while you're in the midst of it :grouphug:. I'm pretty sure we lived on bags of frozen French fries that second year.

[Caribbean Queen]

 

I'm genuinely interested to hear about the other reasons a 4 year old would "do better for daddy" in the context of the OP, taking all the other details into account.

 

I can't know what is going on in the OP's home.

 

But I have known children IRL who misbehave only for who lets them get away with it.

 

The mom who really needs some better parenting tools, comforts herself with creating a safe place for her child to misbehave.

 

For instance, I have a friend whose child will request candy 25 times in a row, and my friend will respond with a random order of "no" in various degrees of harshness, and even slaps on the hand....and then give the child candy.  "At least I know she'll behave at day care and with her grandmother.  She just feels safe with me, so that's why she's so disgusting." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wabi Sabi]

I know that the OP has already made her decision, but just chiming in with my 2 cents: I don't take issue with the kids being with Mom vs. Dad, nor do I think that this somehow means that the OP is an unattached mother, that she has relationship problems with her child, etc. My concern would be splitting up the siblings: whether with Mom or with Dad, I would feel strongly about keeping the four children together.