saw Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 Because my mother has bought them most of the things on their lists and then a whole lot of other stuff besides. So there's really not much I can add to it. Just frustrating. My mother does this at Christmas and now birthdays too. Buys SO much for the kids, often things they want/I think they should have, but also a whole lot besides that just adds to clutter. I have learned to manage this by being clear about lists etc., but for the three birthdays coming up this week I dropped the ball and now have my parents giving the kids really nice expensive gifts (and yes I should be grateful for this) plus all sorts of junk, but I am left out with not much I can come up with for them that they would like since they're getting most of their lists from my parents. I just feel like seeing to the majority of gifts is part of my job as their mother and it's not going to work out that way. Yes, I know I'm spoiled and whiny and should be incredibly grateful that my parents care so much for the children. But sometimes I wish my parents would just step back and let me parent my children myself. (yes, there is more going on here). JAWM please. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 I so get this! My mom was the same way! I was so appreciative and so upset at the same time. Then guilty that I was upset and mad that I felt appreciative. Well, you get it. Instead of more stuff, I bought my kids really cool experiences. Grandma got them stuff, but I got them memories! It's still rough. I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 I feel the same way and totally get it. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Etsy and craft fairs help me. I go for the offbeat and unusual because anything that can be found on Amazon usually already is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemiSweet Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 That is frustrating. I agree about experiences. A weekend camping, tickets to an amusement park or water park, or a nice dinner and a movie, or mani/pedis if you've got a girl. Much easier and no clutter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cera Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 I absolutely get it. We have the same situation. I have done what desert rat did and started focusing on special experiences for my kids. They remember the trips and special events long after they have forgotten about the trendy toys and gadgets (or at least forgotten who gave them to them). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkyandtheBrains. Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 Agreeing, find experiences not gifts. The memories will last longer for all of you :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
City Mouse Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 As much as possible I don't give my kids "things", but that is easier the older they get. I get gift cards for the things they already do. Lots of iTunes or Gamestop, or even fast food for DD19. I might start doing gas cards now that she will have a car that is mostly hers. My DS gets club penguin or Wizard 101 gift cards. They like that just a much as all the stuff, but there is no extra clutter. Or I take them shopping after they get their other gifts and they can choose what they really want that they did not get. You do loose the excitement of surprising them with something they want, but the older they get it is harder to surprise them anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saw Posted August 9, 2014 Author Share Posted August 9, 2014 Thanks for understanding. It's tricky and I have gotten better at managing back over the years but this year I just let it go, and now I get to buy the "boring" gifts that will pale in comparison with the flashy ones. My kids are good and don't attach importance to it. My mother just loves to do this and I hate to spoil things for her, but if I don't, I feel like I got short-changed. I like the experiences idea, I'll try to come up with something special. Thanks all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 Don't give them the whole list maybe? That would irk me too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 Oh yes. I have had this problem forever. I've even had people tell me I should discard the stuff I bought to make room for the stuff they bought. ?? One thing I started doing was leaving a lot of the stuff at the grandparents' house. :) And donating everything "outgrown" as soon as possible to my sister, who has younger kids, and who is another one of the clutter culprits. I notice she has scaled back her buying a lot since she started getting truckloads of "lovely things" from my house. :P I also throw junk stuff in the garbage after they have ignored it for a while. And, I've gotten really good at organizing. Depending on how old your kids are, you could try to get them involved in organizing and deciding that there is just too much stuff to keep it all. What could they do with some of it? Donate it to a kids' charity? How lovely. Or build some brilliant storage solution? Maybe they would even realize that it would be better to ask for more portable stuff when the grandparents request their Christmas lists. We can dream, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 Oh, another thing. If there is something *I* want to buy, like their bikes, I will buy it in advance and just tell everyone "this is what I have already bought." :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 And I agree with the experience thing. I started this young with my kids (around age 5 or maybe younger). The way I frame it is "what are we going to do for X's birthday?" They are used to the idea that a birthday is about doing something, and getting stuff is separate and less important. I also don't do birthday parties etc. My parents and sisters will send something small for the birthdays. One sister ordered them a couple of magazine subscriptions, which is so perfect. I don't even have to feel guilty about throwing them away when the kids are done with them. :) Last year for one kid's birthday we went to Great Wolf Lodge and got the girls manicures. In addition, I took them to the saddlery shop and got them helmets, boots, and a Breyer toy of their choice. Nobody else would buy the horse riding stuff because they wouldn't know exactly what to buy. And these are things they really appreciate and use. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 Oh, another thing I have done for birthdays/Christmas is furniture. Nobody else is going to buy your kids' bedroom furniture. :P But just in case, I did tell everyone I had bought the train table and dollhouse bookcase so nobody else would do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 Absolutely! I totally agree with you! :toetap05: I have gone to buying the experience - gift cards for movies are usually a big favorite now that my kids are older. Also popular are gift cards for iTunes/GooglePlay (depending on which they use) or Steam so they can pick their own stuff. When they were little, IOUs were good - skating rink or bowling trips with a friend, that sort of thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 Oh gosh! I'm that granny! I buy my grandkids a lot. I do discuss with my dds, and I wouldn't step on their toes, but I go a little overboard. One thing right now is that one dd and her dh live on a smaller income; they definitely appreciate my doing some of the more expensive things. The other dd and her dh are a little older and much better off financially. I'm still going a tad overboard on dgd's first birthday, but hey, it's her first birthday. ;-p I will take this to heart for the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critterfixer Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 That happens a lot to me, too. Part of the problem has to do with the fact that both my boys have somewhat narrow interests, have a birthday only a month before Christmas, and both are very content children who present lists that have at most four items total between them, most of the time. Experiences are likely going to be the way I give gifts as much as I can. It used to irk me, and nearly always irritates me a bit around birthday time and Christmas time, but I'm also grateful that they have a Gaga and a Nana with an eye for what my boys like. I'm somewhat blind in that department--I never was much good at picking out gifts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 I think I've gotten better in the appreciation department. I got to pick ds's presents for the first three years of his life, and they were CERTAINLY simpler and more meaningful than what my mom, ex, and ILs chose for my twentysomethings. I had no idea how hurt the proud Grandpa had been about being overshadowed all those years. :( ds has never met his grandfather offline and never will because of distance and fragile health. When I want to chuck all the crap in the trash, I try to picture ds on Skype showing HIS grandson a treasure that he paid his handyman extra to pull out from the back of his closet and saying, "My grandfather gave me this." hth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saw Posted August 10, 2014 Author Share Posted August 10, 2014 Last year for one kid's birthday we went to Great Wolf Lodge and got the girls manicures. e. We could actually go to Great Wolf Lodge, as it's not that far from us. I looked it up and it looks like fun. Is it the sort of thing that's worth doing for one overnight? Do you pay extra for all the extras or is it a package? DS would probably love it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 Don't give them the whole list maybe? That would irk me too. That's what I was thinking, too -- why are you even telling them about the gifts you'd like to buy for the kids if you know they will beat you to it? Oh, another thing. If there is something *I* want to buy, like their bikes, I will buy it in advance and just tell everyone "this is what I have already bought." :P I like this idea a lot! And realistically, you could tell them you already bought the stuff even if you haven't gotten around to it yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 We could actually go to Great Wolf Lodge, as it's not that far from us. I looked it up and it looks like fun. Is it the sort of thing that's worth doing for one overnight? Do you pay extra for all the extras or is it a package? DS would probably love it. How old are your kids? My kids do love GWL and they are 7. If you go for one night, the waterpark is included for both the day you arrive and the day you leave. Besides water stuff, they have an arcade and a few other goodies. It is a nice outing for a young kid. It's fun for all ages, but after maybe 9 or so, it might be less of a thrill. I am looking at trying Kalahari soon, as I've heard it has more stuff for bigger kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 Oh gosh! I'm that granny! I buy my grandkids a lot. I do discuss with my dds, and I wouldn't step on their toes, but I go a little overboard. One thing right now is that one dd and her dh live on a smaller income; they definitely appreciate my doing some of the more expensive things. The other dd and her dh are a little older and much better off financially. I'm still going a tad overboard on dgd's first birthday, but hey, it's her first birthday. ;-p I will take this to heart for the future. It really depends on the kids mother. I am very appreciative that because of the grandparents and great-aunts and uncles my kids get gifts they wouldn't get if it were up to me. I try to make sure the best gifts are from the grandparents. They don't get to spend a lot of time with them so the gift kind of "supplements" the visits every other year or so. My kids are young but I have not seen any devaluing of us as parents because they get better gifts from the grandparents and such. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saw Posted August 10, 2014 Author Share Posted August 10, 2014 That's what I was thinking, too -- why are you even telling them about the gifts you'd like to buy for the kids if you know they will beat you to it? I like this idea a lot! And realistically, you could tell them you already bought the stuff even if you haven't gotten around to it yet. I generally get quite obsessive and make spreadsheets based on the kids' wishlists and lists of what I've been thinking of getting them/noticed they need. I try to restrict gifts to Christmas/birthday rather than giving the kids things throughout the year, so I am careful about the lists. Once I have my list, I can then filter info to my mother. It works reasonably well, and I just bite my tongue when I hear about all the extra stuff they're getting in addition to my carefully-designed list! This summer I got behind on life etc and just sent on the wishlists without thinking, argh. It also seems that this summer my mother is going more overboard than usual, double argh. Lesson learned in time for Christmas I hope. It doesn't help that there is more "stuff" going on in terms of boundaries not being respected/feelings of obligation to do things I don't want to do because my parents help financially with the kids schooling. I think if it were the gifts only, I would be dealing with it better. Still, the kids will be happy with what they're getting, and it's all done with the best of intentions, so I will focus on that and manage the lists better in the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saw Posted August 10, 2014 Author Share Posted August 10, 2014 How old are your kids? My kids do love GWL and they are 7. If you go for one night, the waterpark is included for both the day you arrive and the day you leave. Besides water stuff, they have an arcade and a few other goodies. It is a nice outing for a young kid. It's fun for all ages, but after maybe 9 or so, it might be less of a thrill. I am looking at trying Kalahari soon, as I've heard it has more stuff for bigger kids. They are 15, 15, 13 and 7, so maybe the older ones would get a bit bored. Sounds good that you can use the waterpark on both days even if you stay one night only though. They haven't been to many waterparks though and would probably enjoy that part of it. What's Kalahari? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 They are 15, 15, 13 and 7, so maybe the older ones would get a bit bored. Sounds good that you can use the waterpark on both days even if you stay one night only though. They haven't been to many waterparks though and would probably enjoy that part of it. What's Kalahari? Kalahari is another waterpark about an hour from us, and it's supposedly got more and bigger slides etc. I have never been there, but friends have indicated they like it better than GWL for older kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 My MIL used to do this with Easter. I loved being the one to provide the Easter basket, but she'd also make one and it was usually better than mine. But also filled with $1 toys that broke 2 seconds after using them. She has backed off a lot on that recently, thank goodness! I never said anything because I knew she had fun getting the baskets, but it made my baskets seem cheesy. That made me sad for myself and guilty for resenting her baskets. It was hard to be mature about the whole thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 My MIL used to do this with Easter. I loved being the one to provide the Easter basket, but she'd also make one and it was usually better than mine. But also filled with $1 toys that broke 2 seconds after using them. She has backed off a lot on that recently, thank goodness! I never said anything because I knew she had fun getting the baskets, but it made my baskets seem cheesy. That made me sad for myself and guilty for resenting her baskets. It was hard to be mature about the whole thing. Don't get me started about Easter baskets. My kids' first Easter with me (they were 1.5), I wanted to do it small and age-appropriate. I bought a few carefully selected items. Then an Auntie (who lived with us) decided to go all out and bought a big pile of toys, candies the kids could not even eat, bunny ears that wouldn't even fit them, and a stuffed rabbit that was bigger than both kids put together. I'm not even exaggerating. I was so ticked. She was so excited putting together the baskets - and the table they sat on, since the baskets weren't big enough for all that crap. Then people wanted to know why I wasn't as excited as she was. :/ I said I had been looking forward to doing my kids' first Easter and was not too happy to have that taken away from me. The next year the Auntie scaled it back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 Don't get me started about Easter baskets. My kids' first Easter with me (they were 1.5), I wanted to do it small and age-appropriate. I bought a few carefully selected items. Then an Auntie (who lived with us) decided to go all out and bought a big pile of toys, candies the kids could not even eat, bunny ears that wouldn't even fit them, and a stuffed rabbit that was bigger than both kids put together. I'm not even exaggerating. I was so ticked. She was so excited putting together the baskets - and the table they sat on, since the baskets weren't big enough for all that crap. Then people wanted to know why I wasn't as excited as she was. :/ I said I had been looking forward to doing my kids' first Easter and was not too happy to have that taken away from me. The next year the Auntie scaled it back. Yes!! I'd forgotten the part where I was supposed to be grateful! That happened to me, too! I was sooo looking forward to a sweet little basket with, as you said, those carefully selected items. And it was ruined by a bunch of stuff the kids couldn't even eat/use. It's like we've lived the same life. It was so hard to act grateful because if I didn't, then I was being rude or controlling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 It's like we've lived the same life. It was so hard to act grateful because if I didn't, then I was being rude or controlling. Right - and insecure, selfish, and childish. :/ In hindsight, I wish I had warned the aunties in advance that those few special times - especially the "firsts" - were my turf. Maybe they would have listened. Then again, maybe they would have just told me what a jerk I was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfIOnly Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 We give our kids $100 (ven the little ones but we choose what to spend it on...super cool sandbox for the two year old). Bikes and stuff we buy just because. They like picking stuff out or saving it for a bigger item and learn how to get the most for their money...my son bought a motor scooter off CL on year, and it simplifies bdays a ton for us. Maybe some cash would be fun this year? ((((Hugs)))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfIOnly Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 And I agree with the experience thing. I started this young with my kids (around age 5 or maybe younger). The way I frame it is "what are we going to do for X's birthday?" They are used to the idea that a birthday is about doing something, and getting stuff is separate and less important. I also don't do birthday parties etc. My parents and sisters will send something small for the birthdays. One sister ordered them a couple of magazine subscriptions, which is so perfect. I don't even have to feel guilty about throwing them away when the kids are done with them. :) Last year for one kid's birthday we went to Great Wolf Lodge and got the girls manicures. In addition, I took them to the saddlery shop and got them helmets, boots, and a Breyer toy of their choice. Nobody else would buy the horse riding stuff because they wouldn't know exactly what to buy. And these are things they really appreciate and use. We don't do bday parties either, but a clise friend or two ot close family are sometimes invited to our activity. We do a birthday adventure every bday together. For our last bday we floated the river, someting we'd never done. Before that we went caving, video arcade/bowling, nearby nice city pool with fun slides are some examples. We try to keep these inexpensive though. DH always takes bdays off work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.