Miss Manners should avoid this thread, but can someone help, please?

[Jenny in Florida]

Okay, let me stipulate up front that I do know better. I do know this is not "how it's done." However, I am attempting to honor the wishes of the person on whose behalf this party is being held, my son. So, under protest, I have said I will figure out a way to do this as politely as possible.

 

We're sending out e-vites to my son's graduation party. He would like to issue a general invitation for anyone from his choir to attend. If we were certain that we had correct e-mail addresses for every member of the choir and knew which chorister belonged to each e-mail, this would be easy. However, the closest thing I have is an e-mail that was sent to the choir from one of the directors a few months ago, which has e-mail addresses for some parents and some of the (primarily older) choristers. I know for sure that some families have addresses on the list for more than one family member (both parents, one parent and one kid, etc.), but at least one family that has several kids in the choir has addresses for only one parent and one of the teens. And, while we can connect many of the addresses with names or families, not all of those connections are obvious.

 

I have shot down my son's idea, which was to send an e-mail to the folks for whom we do have addresses and include a note suggesting that they share the information with any other choristers they might notice are missing from the list. Non-traditional as I am, that approach feels rude and bothersome to me. (I have, instead, sent an e-mail to the folks on that list asking them to let me know if they see anyone missing.)

 

However, as I was adding the e-mails from the group that I do have to my e-vite list, I realized we have a related problem, which is that I can't necessarily discern the name of the chorister to whom each e-mail address is connected, meaning that I can't put a name on each individual e-vite.

 

I'm considering addressing the ones I can't identify to something generic like "[My son's name]'s Choir Friends." That particular phrasing sounds little kid-ish to me, but that's the kind of thing I'm thinking of doing.

 

So, please don't tell me how wrong it is to send invitations in this terrible, informal, impersonal way. I know it would violate several hundred rules of traditional etiquette. But I'm pushing a deadline and trying to make this party what my graduate wants it to be, and I'm not feeling too picky at this point.

 

What I would greatly appreciate are any suggestions you all are willing to offer about how, exactly, to word that generic "to" line?

[Starr]

The choral director doesn't have an email list you can use?

[Robin M]

I would email to the choir director and ask him to share with the choir or ask for an up to date list. 

[J-rap]

Does his choir have a Facebook page, or is he Facebook friends with most of them?  I know that for graduation open houses in our town, kids may send more formal invitations in the mail to relatives and old family friends, but to their buddies they'll just post it on Facebook.  I'm not too familiar with Facebook, but there's a way you can do it that makes it an event announcement that pops up.

 

But otherwise, in your TO line:  To All Such-and-Such Choir Members:  Please join us for a party celebrating Son's graduation."  I also actually liked your wording, "Son's Choir Friends."  I don't think it sounds childish.  I also don't think you need to stress too much about the wording.  As long as you get the point across.  :) 

 

 

[Jenny in Florida]

Thanks, all.

 

The directorship of the choir is actually in transition. There have traditionally been two co-directors, but one (the one to whom we've been closest) retired at the close of the last school year and is now out of town and out of touch. The other has never been actively involved in things like communication, leaving most of that to a staff member at the church where the choir is hosted. Since this isn't official choir business, I feel awkward about bugging the staff member. 

 

When the new director comes on board, the plan is for her to be the primary leader, but I don't know her at all, and she was not involved when my son was a chorister.

 

So, there really isn't a logical person to ask for help.

 

I think I'm going with "NameOfChoir Choir Members and Families."

[Seasider]

I would email to the choir director and ask him to share with the choir or ask for an up to date list.

I think this is a great idea, just send it to the choir director with a message explaining that you wanted to be sure not to leave anyone out, would he please forward the invitation since you know his list is most current.

 

No worries about etiquette. Much as some of us long for the days of genteelity (is that even a word?), the upside is that the recipients of your email likely don't know Miss Manners and will be just fine with the way it was sent.

[kroe1]

Well, I am a Miss Manners of sort. But, really, you need to contact each individual to whom you want to send the e-invitation and get the correct email address. It would be nice if you can get it from the director, but that does not appear to be an option for you. Sending an invitation to just a few in a group and telling the invitees to bring everyone else is tacky on all accounts whether it be paper or email invitations. It is acceptable to tell people verbally, however, and to ask for an email address to send the actual invitation. In other words, your son could illicit help collecting addresses verbally, but not formally on the invitation.

 

Make sure your son also realizes that many people will not open emails from addresses they do not know. By sending email invitations to such an important life event, he may be disappointed on the no shows. Even if one opens an email, he may not open an attachment.

[ThisIsTheDay]

I actually agree with this. LOL :)

 

 

:laugh:

That's one of the awesome things about the boards, isn't it?  Eventually, one can always find some sort of common ground!  :) 

[Cosmos]

Is there going to be a meeting of the choir soon? The easiest thing would be for him to stand up and make an announcement and hand out flyers about the party.

 

But regarding the email, I think either of the possibilities you've mentioned for the to line (choir friends or XX Choir Members) are just fine.

[Laurie4b]

The ultimate goal in Manners (even for those to whom it is such a big deal that it deserves capitalization to indicate its godlike status over all human decisions) is that none would be left out, correct? So even if you ask people to forward, it's because you want everyone to come. That is in service of Manners, not in disregard to it.

 

I think what your son wants to do is absolutely socially acceptable under the standards of manners that people of his generation and somewhat older use. I'm pushing 60, so I was raised in the days of Manners. I think it's time to adjust to new cultural standards instead of insisting on old standards of doing things, or feeling guilty because you don't use old standards. Cultural agreements lead to Manners and Manners do not exist without those cultural agreements. It is , in fact,  Good Manners, imo, to graciously accept the standards of the culture that you are in (the email generation) and not to insist that Manners from a different culture (one from, say, 30 years ago befpre there was email) are better. in current culture, manners is much more concerned with substance (does everyone get invited?)  than with form (whether the email is forwarded, who you put in the "to" line, etc. I think that's a good thing.

 

 

You are doing your very best to make sure everyone is included. That is the thing that is important.

[wintermom]

I'm not really sure how big an event high school graduation parties are for you and in your area. They are very small in my circle. I've never been invited to one and never been to one. If the choir has been a really important activity for your son and he's leaving the choir, he may want to consider a party just with the choir group. They've all shared something meaningful together, and it might make more sense to celebrate together - especially if the leadership is changing.

 

Sorry, no advice at all about e-vites and e-cards, other than I hate them altogether. I find them impersonal and easy-to-ignore, but I'm not from your son's circle of friends. Any effective way to get the word out seems good enough.

[Garga]

If it were I, I would totally bother the church staff member for the email addresses even though it's not a church event. I wouldn't think twice about it.

[Pippen]

Around here high school graduation party invitations to students/friends are usually handled by the student, either via facebook, texting, or handing out invitations (usually only girls). If this isn't possible, and if choir is still meeting, I'd probably send in a stack of informal paper invites printed on the computer.

 

 

[Night Elf]

 

I think I'm going with "NameOfChoir Choir Members and Families."

 

I think that sounds fine. I wouldn't think twice about it if I got an online evite. It would feel strange if it was addressed like that and sent though snail mail though. It would seem to generic and impersonal. But evites are just different, IMHO.

[lmrich]

Is there another form of social media the choir uses? Our kids' choir uses a Facebook page and many kids posted open house graduation parties. This is not Miss Manners approved, but it means all the kids and adult volunteers are included. My kids went to several. They gave gifts to the kids to whom they were closest to, but it was fun to go to all the parties to wish the graduate congratulations.

[Plink]

Meh, I'm sure Miss Manners is fine with broad e-vites now, and since this is for your son they may not even recognize who Miss Manners is in the first place.

 

Send to everyone you have specifics for, post a quick open invitation on FB in case you missed anyone, and enjoy your party.