Big decision to make...

[Rjmakmom]

My 19yo son's 17yo girlfriend is in a bad home life situation including abuse. They have already told her she will be kicked out on her 18th bday in Dec. My 19yo no longer lives in our home, he moved out last summer and is living in his Grandmother's basement (at her request, she's getting older). We are considering allowing the 17yo to move in with us for awhile. This was my suggestion, my husband is not as on board. What am I overlooking? Is this a horrible idea? A marginally ok one? lol Thoughts?

[Kathryn]

It could get awfully sticky if they break up or if one wants to break up but feels they can't because of the living situation.

[poppy]

That would depend on a lot. What is her post high school plan? Does she have income? Would you charge her?  Would it be short term? Does she have any issues you are aware of regarding substance abuse or mental health?

 

I'd proceed with caution. But compassion is a very good thing.

[FriedClams]

If your husband is not on board - then it's a no.

 

I think a lot of times my husband see things i don't and doesn't want to be super blunt explaining it. Trust his man instinct.

[Harriet Vane]

I think it's something to consider.

 

That said, it really could get sticky if she and your son encounter relationship difficulties. Perhaps you might ask at church to see if anyone has a room for rent? Someone might be willing. You could even offer to subsidize the room??

 

I have done this myself before, and have friends who have done so as well. In my case, I asked the young women who lived with us to clean my house for 8 hours each week in exchange for the room. I did not provide food. Another friend charged rent to a young woman, and that young woman was welcome to join the family for meals (so food was part of the rent).

[Paige]

I would not have her living on the street or somewhere unsafe. I may not offer right away, but I'd make moves to make it possible (fixing up a room if necessary), and keep my ears open. If she finds somewhere suitable to live, great. If not, I'd encourage her to stay with us. 

[OneStepAtATime]

It is very compassionate of you to consider helping her.  And you may very well be the voice in the dark that gives her a chance at a better life.  I commend you.  

 

But obviously this situation could turn south quite rapidly, as others have mentioned.  How well do you actually know her?  Has she hung out with you for extended periods of time?  If your husband is reluctant, but you really want to do this, perhaps you and he can have her over more often to get to know her better and then the two of you can decide together.  If he is adamantly opposed then I would not even try, since there is a distinct possibility that there will be issues.  Even under the best of circumstances living with non-family members can be challenging.  Heck even family members can be challenging.  Do you know what her plans are?  

 

If you do decide to ask her to stay with you, I would definitely have clear cut boundaries, rules and expectations written out and signed by both parties so there are no misunderstandings.  And you might encourage her to seek counseling, if she is not in counseling already.

 

Best wishes.  Good luck.  

 

[Reefgazer]

I would do it for a mutually-agreed upon and clear time frame (until she could get on her feet independently), as long as there are no drug/alcohol abuse, violence, or behavioral issues.  I also liked a PP suggestion of helping her find some low-cost housing as another option.  But if DH could not agree even to strict conditions, then I wouldn't press it.

[Mama Geek]

With as kids as you have in your home and her coming from an abusive home, I would say no way.  That throws up all kinds of red flags.

[inmyopinion]

It could get awfully sticky if they break up or if one wants to break up but feels they can't because of the living situation.

My situation is a little different b/c my parent's let my boyfriend live with us, but it did complicate our relationship as well as our later  break up.  

[marbel]

I'm just wondering... what is being done for this girl now?  She is in an abusive home now.  Does she have other family (aunts, grandparents) she can turn to for help now?

 

I'm with those who suggest treading very carefully.  A girlfriend of my brother's lived in my family home once.  It was awful.  I don't know the ages of your kids at home (if any; I can't see your sig if you have one) but it could be bad for them. 

[LucyStoner]

I think that if either you or your husband is not ok with it, then it is not ok.

 

I think helping her find a room to rent, maybe as a work trade for a family in need of help around the house or with caregiving, would be more respectful to your husband's boundaries.

[plansrme]

I can understand your husband's concerns with having a 17 year old who is not his daughter living in his house, especially when the boyfriend is not present.  That could be (or, more likely, could appear to be) really bad for him.  I would try to do whatever else I could to make other arrangements to help her, though.

[AmyontheFarm]

I would urge caution.  My dd let her boyfriend's family belive that I was abusing her because I required her to get a job (8-20 hours per week), keep up on her schooling, cook two meals a week for the family and ,keep her bathroom clean and her bedroom clean and help out around the house when asked, usually for kitchen clean up.

 

I was portrayed as evil.  I was unreasonable.  I was abusing her physically because she couldn't get enough sleep and emotionally because I didn't agree to everything that would come out of her mouth.

 

It didn't matter that she had a full ride for schooling, a free van, free car insurance all paid by her parents.  We were the enemy.

 

She just wanted to be with the boyfriend whenever she wanted and talk to him whenever she wants and her parents were too controling.  So she had to leave.

 

She moved into their home.  Where surprise, surprise she was expected to cook, clean, take the city bus to school and pay for her own schooling.

 

So please, I urge caution.  Some kids have it sooo bad.  But really 2 years later, they just wish they could go back to what they hated before.

 

[Rjmakmom]

Thank you for all your input. As usual, I tend to react with my heart instead of thinking it through with my head. Further discussion will definitely be needed.

[Paige]

If she's actually being abused, a call to CPS could help her w/ living arrangements. If she is within the system before she turns 18, the state will help her out with a place to live and maybe even college. I don't suggest that lightly and only you know what you meant by abusive.

[Catwoman]

I wouldn't do it for all of the reasons that have already been mentioned, most importantly the fact that your dh doesn't want to do it, but also because honestly, it could be incredibly awkward for your ds when he's ready to break up with her. Additionally, are you really, really sure you know what this girl is like? People can seem awfully sweet, yet turn out to be dishonest, disrespectful, lazy, and unhelpful when they're living with you.

 

Also, are you absolutely certain she's being abused? If she's being abused, she should be reporting it to the authorities.

 

If it were me, I wouldn't even consider letting her move into my home.

 

Sorry if I sound mean, but you already have enough kids of your own, without adding another one to your household. Do you really believe that there won't be any conflict between this girl and your other children? I can't imagine that you wouldn't be inviting a LOT of problems by letting her move in with you. I truly think it's a terrible idea.

[TechWife]

I think it's wonderful that you want to help. I agree with the others that you and your husband need to be in agreement, however. You also need to consider carefully why she is being told she will have to move when she turns 18. It is entirely possible her parents are telling her that because she does not/will not follow their family rules. Their family rules could be simple things, like chores, etc., but they may also include things such as no drugs, alcohol, etc. and she may be breaking those rules. Of course, she could be both breaking rules and being abused. 

 

I do think a call to CPS might be in order to allow them to determine if there is real abuse occurring. They might (or might not) be able to determine that depending on the situation. 

[Harriet Vane]

If she's actually being abused, a call to CPS could help her w/ living arrangements. If she is within the system before she turns 18, the state will help her out with a place to live and maybe even college. I don't suggest that lightly and only you know what you meant by abusive.

 

If there is criminal abuse, yes, it should be reported. Absolutely, definitely.

 

If the abuse is ongoing, then someone needs to get her out of there right away.

 

That said, if there is not abuse in the legal sense (rape or sexual abuse, forced neglect, beating), then a call to DCFS will do nothing.

 

If the abuse is "not that bad" then the system will not respond. They are overloaded, and they will allow a child to age out of the system before filling a placement with a difficult-to-place older minor.

 

If the system were to intervene, the best case scenario would be some sort of subsidized independent living situation. It would be worthwhile to inquire about this.