Tell me I shouldn't read anything into this...

[Susan in TN]

My mom called today to let me know that my sister and SIL have been planning an anniversary thing for my parents for the end of June (in MN), so she wanted to let me know in case we were able to come. It's a little last minute for us to plan an expensive trip like this since dh may not be able to take more time off work, it would involve a 15 hour drive (with or without dh), and we would have to get a hotel since sister's family (from CA) will be staying with my parents and they don't have enough room for us as well.

 

I didn't think anything strange about it until dh asked why my mom was telling us about it instead of my sister or SIL and why we are just now hearing about it?

 

blink. blink. Don't know. I'm telling myself that it is just all very last minute for everyone...

[Guest]

In my family, that would be very odd.  I am the only sibling that is not within a 30 minute drive from my parents.  My brothers still try to keep me in the loop as much as possible.  I can see how it seems strange to you for sure.

[Kathryn]

Without knowing your family dynamics, it does seem odd. Are you the only "sister" not planning this?

[Mrs Mungo]

Maybe the sisters didn't want to put you on the spot, if it was a last minute thing? Maybe they were worried about the timing, short notice, your dh's work, the expense, all of that?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would assume it was last minute.  Do you have a good enough relationship with them to just ask?  

[Catwoman]

It seems odd to me, too.

 

I would think that all of the siblings would be involved in planning a special party for their parents.

 

I also think it's unfair that your family should have to be the ones to pay for a hotel, when your other sister made her arrangements with your parents before you even knew about the party.

[Catwoman]

Maybe they assume it would be too difficult for you to come?

 

Dunno.

I was thinking that at first, too, but one of the other sisters must live far away as well, or she wouldn't have to stay with the parents when she visited.

 

I think she should call the sisters and ask what's going on, and find out why she wasn't included in the plans.

[Susan in TN]

Maybe the sisters didn't want to put you on the spot, if it was a last minute thing? Maybe they were worried about the timing, short notice, your dh's work, the expense, all of that?

I think this must be it. We don't communicate often - I am somewhat phone phobic, though I do email, but it seems they don't use email much. My sister, SIL, and mom talk or text on a daily basis, but I don't have a cell phone so I don't have access to a phone when I'm running around with the kids and errands and I can't text. So I'm sure the lack of communication issue is my fault. They are polite and friendly when we see each other at Christmas, there just isn't that "family" type of relationship.

 

I guess since it's a 50th anniversary party, it seems like a big enough deal that they would have at least let me know. Oh bother. Now I'm feeling like Eeyore.

[Catwoman]

I think this must be it. We don't communicate often - I am somewhat phone phobic, though I do email, but it seems they don't use email much. My sister, SIL, and mom talk or text on a daily basis, but I don't have a cell phone so I don't have access to a phone when I'm running around with the kids and errands and I can't text. So I'm sure the lack of communication issue is my fault. They are polite and friendly when we see each other at Christmas, there just isn't that "family" type of relationship.

I guess since it's a 50th anniversary party, it seems like a big enough deal that they would have at least let me know. Oh bother. Now I'm feeling like Eeyore.

Hold on a minute here.

 

You're blaming yourself for this?

 

No. No. No.

 

It's not like you don't have a phone in your house. If they'd wanted to reach you, they could have called you. If you weren't home, here's an idea -- they could have called again.

 

I hate to see you accepting the blame for the lack of communication. If they had wanted to reach you, they could have managed.

 

They are at fault here, not you. :grouphug:

[Sara in AZ]

Hold on a minute here.

 

You're blaming yourself for this?

 

No. No. No.

 

It's not like you don't have a phone in your house. If they'd wanted to reach you, they could have called you. If you weren't home, here's an idea -- they could have called again.

 

I hate to see you accepting the blame for the lack of communication. If they had wanted to reach you, they could have managed.

 

They are at fault here, not you. :grouphug:

Yes! Not your fault.

 

I'm not sure about your family dynamic, but I am the oldest of 5 girls (no brothers), and for some reason we have a hard time communicating. It seems like there is always someone who doesn't know the plan, never intentionally left out, though.

 

We recently had a situation similar to this. Three sisters live in town near my parents. One lives on the opposite coast, and I live one state away. My mom was turning 65 and one sister started throwing out ideas about throwing her a surprise party. It was easy for me to fly in without kids. Far away sister has a husband in med school, zero money, and was scheduled to be moving to another town the weekend of the party. Apparently, far away sister was never consulted in the initial planning because it was assumed she wouldn't be able to come. But she was copied into a later email about final details. At that point she was sad and upset, understandably, because it turns out she could have made it work if she'd known. It was a sad mess, and we all felt bad. My dad ended up using his frequent flyer miles to fly her out, and we had a great time.

 

Perhaps it was just poor planning and it was assumed you wouldn't be able to make it anyway? Even so, you should have been consulted in the planning.

[KungFuPanda]

There's a chance SIL assumed your sister would tell you because she's your sister and your sister assumed SIL would tell you since she's the organizer. Since you attending was a long-shot, they may have just not followed through amongst all the last minute details. Your mom caught it and called you.

[Aura]

Yes! Not your fault.

 

I'm not sure about your family dynamic, but I am the oldest of 5 girls (no brothers), and for some reason we have a hard time communicating. It seems like there is always someone who doesn't know the plan, never intentionally left out, though.

 

We recently had a situation similar to this. Three sisters live in town near my parents. One lives on the opposite coast, and I live one state away. My mom was turning 65 and one sister started throwing out ideas about throwing her a surprise party. It was easy for me to fly in without kids. Far away sister has a husband in med school, zero money, and was scheduled to be moving to another town the weekend of the party. Apparently, far away sister was never consulted in the initial planning because it was assumed she wouldn't be able to come. But she was copied into a later email about final details. At that point she was sad and upset, understandably, because it turns out she could have made it work if she'd known. It was a sad mess, and we all felt bad. My dad ended up using his frequent flyer miles to fly her out, and we had a great time.

 

Perhaps it was just poor planning and it was assumed you wouldn't be able to make it anyway? Even so, you should have been consulted in the planning.

 

This bolded is exactly what happens with my family. I'm one of six. We're all married, most with kids, and for whatever reason, someone gets left out of the loop! :svengo: It usually varies on whose turn. And I think it might have more to do with the fact that we simply assume that someone else said something. *shrug* I don't know. I don't take it personally or look more into other than the fact I belong to a spacy family. :rolleyes:

[OneStepAtATime]

Do you know when the plans were solidified?  We tossed together a last minute extended family and friends reunion for my dad when we got his diagnosis and knew he didn't have all that much longer (maybe a few months).  The plans came together over about a 48 hour period as I and others were checking schedules, etc. and found out that with Dad's doctor visits to another city there was really only one weekend that would work.  We didn't have much time before that weekend was coming up.  Once we knew for sure what was happening we immediately started calling the ones that it would be the hardest to get to the reunion, but one in particular was really hurt that we hadn't contacted them sooner.  They didn't say anything right away and we didn't know they were upset for quite a while.  They assumed that with something so important that we had been planning it for weeks and just hadn't bothered to let them know until the last minute.  It wasn't true but it took a bit to straighten things out.  Just mentioning this to say maybe they are still getting plans in place and were intending to contact you as soon as details were solid.

[HS Mom in NC]

I didn't think anything strange about it until dh asked why my mom was telling us about it instead of my sister or SIL and why we are just now hearing about it?

 

blink. blink. Don't know. I'm telling myself that it is just all very last minute for everyone...

 

Maybe your mom volunteered to call you because she wanted to catch up with you anyway.  Maybe she wanted to let you know from her own mouth that if you couldn't make it she wouldn't be hurt.  Maybe..(fill in your own reasonable explanation here.)

 

Don't read anything into it because it's a good policy in life to never read anything into anything because when people chose to do so it causes endless problems.  Assume the best of intentions and discourage your husband from digging up potential trouble.  Teach this to your children. Respond to your friends with plausible explanations and encourage them to assume the best. 

 

I have 3 older brothers and a step-sister. Everyone is married and some of our kids are young adults not living at home anymore. We're all local.  There have been a few  times things fallen through the cracks and someone forgets to let someone know about something in a timely way or some such thing.  Life happens.  Fortunately the family dynamic is such that most people laugh it off and sympathize with the forgetter. 

 

There is, of course, one who is always offended no matter what.  Even if she isn't forgotten she finds a way to be hurt or offended by something she reads into something at least every other get together.  It's just how she is. She's been this way for the last 20 years and probably will be for the next 20.  We all just write her off as crazy and insecure and no one gets upset by her latest drama.  To give you a little insight into that, she has managed to be deeply offended or hurt at every one of the last 7 churches she's (edited for clarification) joined in the last 10 years and had a big dramatic departure every time. She goes on and on about the latest one and people sit silently until she hits a good stopping point and they change the subject.  Yeah.  Smile and nod and pass the bean dip...

[Rebel Yell]

My mom called today to let me know that my sister and SIL have been planning an anniversary thing for my parents for the end of June (in MN), so she wanted to let me know in case we were able to come. It's a little last minute for us to plan an expensive trip like this since dh may not be able to take more time off work, it would involve a 15 hour drive (with or without dh), and we would have to get a hotel since sister's family (from CA) will be staying with my parents and they don't have enough room for us as well.

 

I didn't think anything strange about it until dh asked why my mom was telling us about it instead of my sister or SIL and why we are just now hearing about it?

 

blink. blink. Don't know. I'm telling myself that it is just all very last minute for everyone...

 

 I'm an only child.  No real clue here, but...

 

I'm thinking don't read to much into it... How long have they been planning it?  Did a "We should get together with Mom & Dad for their anniversary" morph into a Big Fat Deal?

 

 

I think this must be it. We don't communicate often - I am somewhat phone phobic, though I do email, but it seems they don't use email much. My sister, SIL, and mom talk or text on a daily basis, but I don't have a cell phone so I don't have access to a phone when I'm running around with the kids and errands and I can't text. So I'm sure the lack of communication issue is my fault. They are polite and friendly when we see each other at Christmas, there just isn't that "family" type of relationship.

 

I guess since it's a 50th anniversary party, it seems like a big enough deal that they would have at least let me know. Oh bother. Now I'm feeling like Eeyore.

 

Again, I'm an only child, but from what I've seen in families I know, people are strange. This is a BIG DEAL anniversary!  You shoul dhave at least been informed that 1. A party was happening 2. the very minute they decided on it.  As in, between the time they confirmed the date with your parents and long before any other invitations were issued. 3. It;s not like they all happened to be in the same place on a date sorta near their anniversary and decided to treat them as an anniversary gift. 4. SInce you have no input on the party, I certainly hope they aren't expecting you to pay for anything.

 

And why does one sister who lives far away get to stay at your parents' for free but you'd have to pay for a hotel? :confused1:

 

Lack of communication is absolutely not your fault.  Not even 1/1millionth of a percent. Do you really think you're supposed to call them every day and ask if they're planning any anniversary parties that you should know about?

 

I hope you make it to the party, and I hope you & your parents have a great time! :party:

[Storygirl]

I agree that it was thoughtless of them not to include you in their plans.  But it may have been unintentional.  My husband's family has a story: one Thanksgiving when it came time to sit down at the table, they discovered that there was one extra place setting. Everyone looked around to see who was missing (there were about twenty people there), but no one could figure it out, so finally they removed the extra plate and started eating. A few minutes later, DH's cousin wandered up from the basement to find everyone eating without her.  Her own parents were at the party and hadn't noticed that she was the one missing. She is an only child! Fortunately, she has a good sense of humor and was not angry, and now, many years later, it is a funny family tale.

 

People make mistakes.  People get overlooked.  It's unfortunate, but it happens. I've been the one overlooked too many times to count and it does hurt.  If I were in your situation, I'd be seriously annoyed. I'd try to let it go without making a big deal out of it, but I'm kind of non confrontational. If it will fester if you don't figure out what happened, try to find out by asking someone in a non-angry way.  If you can keep quiet and let it pass and not have it bother you forever, I'd leave it be.

[Erica in OR]

I'd put the best construction on it and not read anything into it. If it were me, my main thought would be of my mom—it's a celebration of her marriage and she wanted me to know specially just in case we'd be able to make it, although she knew it would be difficult for us. My next step would be to call sis and casually mention that mom had told you some of the details, but you wondered if there was something you can help out with or if there's a group gift planned, etc. Then sis and SIL know you should be in the planning loop.

 

Erica in OR

[catz]

I would not assign malicious intent without knowing the entire story.  If your sisters called and said "we're having this thing, but you are not welcome", that would be obviously malicious to me.  I would assume your sisters were very last minute, just communicate more often, and/or didn't think it would be realistic for you to come.  Maybe it started small and intimate and local and grew?  Are sister and SIL geographically close or close friends?  Are they closer to your mother?  Are they all in MN where the event is?

 

I wouldn't say this is your fault by any stretch of course, but relationships are a 2 way street and if you don't regularly communicate with someone, it is more likely that a ball is going to get dropped on something like this.  If you want to be closer, then I would be making an effort to talk to everyone every week or 2. 

[Trish]

I don't think it would be *that* last minute if someone's flying in from California. It would be one thing to not keep you in the loop if it were just a party, or their own personal vacation plans. But a 50TH WEDDING ANNINVERSARY FOR PARENTS? Eh, no. And there's no who's on first, what's on second excuse about "I thought YOU informed her..." no no no. And I don't care if you were overseas, in hospice or aboard the  International Space Station with a return date AFTER the party, it's something to keep the WHOLE family in the loop on. Because maybe you would want to CALL on the day of the party to greet everyone. Or send a timely card. Or whatever.

 

No. Very bizarre. And if your mom knew about it before right now, SHE should have talked to you about it. Surely she would like to know if your family was coming or not? If mom is just learning about it now, then SHE should question daughter and DIL as to why you weren't consulted. (They must have said you didn't know about it, right?) That's what moms do, ask the obvious question.

 

I would be having a "what the heck" conversation with my sister at a minimum.

[catz]

I don't think it would be *that* last minute if someone's flying in from California. It would be one thing to not keep you in the loop if it were just a party, or their own personal vacation plans. But a 50TH WEDDING ANNINVERSARY FOR PARENTS? Eh, no. And there's no who's on first, what's on second excuse about "I thought YOU informed her..." no no no. And I don't care if you were overseas, in hospice or aboard the  International Space Station with a return date AFTER the party, it's something to keep the WHOLE family in the loop on. Because maybe you would want to CALL on the day of the party to greet everyone. Or send a timely card. Or whatever.

 

No. Very bizarre. And if your mom knew about it before right now, SHE should have talked to you about it. Surely she would like to know if your family was coming or not? If mom is just learning about it now, then SHE should question daughter and DIL as to why you weren't consulted. (They must have said you didn't know about it, right?) That's what moms do, ask the obvious question.

 

I would be having a "what the heck" conversation with my sister at a minimum.

 

I can think of several scenarios that would lead to this result without malicious intent.  Especially assuming sister and parents are in MN.

 

Sister and SIL/bro chat regularly

SIL mentions to sister, I'd really like to get out and see all of you this sumer

Sister says - awesome!  It's mom and dad's 50th anniversary this summer.  It would be fun if you can time it near that.

SIL says cool, I'll see what we can do.

 

SIL gradually plans a summer vacation that aligns with anniversary.

Eventually talks to mom/dad as plans start to settle.

Mom says great

 

In the mean time, OP is not chatting with these people regularly.

 

Mom thinks wow - maybe we should do something a little bigger for our anniversary since SIL and son are coming!  I'd love it if all the grandkids could make it at the same time!  Maybe some friends?  Maybe other family?  Maybe the idea to make it a slightly bigger event come after SIL settled her plans. 

 

Obviously, I don't know what happened, but no one does at this point.  I just thinking get automatically offended is just not helpful.  I've found in my own life that if I assume people are NOT malicious and are just doing their thing and drop the ball sometimes, 98% of the time that is actually true and my blood pressure stays lower. 

 

Absolutely, OP should talk to sister and/or SIL to get the story straight.  But it just seems unlikely to me that it was malicious from the get go.  If she finds out they've been planning a large scale party 1+ years without her, that might be different.  Had OP talked to either sister or SIL in the past few months, she may have gotten the full story. 

 

I totally get being not a phone person.  I am not a phone person either.  My brother and SILs drop us on stuff all the time.  2 weeks  ago my 2 SIL's (one is my in-laws daughter, the other is a DIL) took my in-laws to an event 5 miles from our house with all their kids.  We weren't invited.  They are closer friends.  I'm ok with it.   They talk/text daily too.  I just got my first smart phone.  I don't want them to text me all the time.   All they talk about it garage sales. ;)

 

 

 

[Slartibartfast]

I would just ask them. Yes, it was rude to not inform you regardless of whether or not it would be a burden on you. They may have some sort of reasonable explanation or they may have just planned it at the last minute.