Adoption, those who have adopted and those who have researched it, come on in!

[DawnM]

Here is the question posed on another thread, IT IS NOT MY QUESTION!

 

About adoption....how did you go about it? I've been thinking about adopting, have mentioned it to DH before, and I'm thinking about mentioning it to him again soon. I've researched....but there is SO MUCH STUFF out there. I have no idea what's legit, what's good, what's bad, where to begin, etc. I have no clue whether we'd want international vs domestic. One strike against me is the fact that I don't fly....so I wouldn't be able to physically GO to another country. Any advice?

[DawnM]

Here was my answer:

 

I wish I were the expert.  I am not, but I can give you some info.  (actually that is why I would never start a thread about "ask a...."
nor do I take the person starting a thread like this as the sole expert......)

 

Ok, now that that is off my chest.

 

We did adopt internationally (China) but only I travelled.  Many countries only require ONE adult to travel.  We just couldn't afford for both of us to go.  China requires only one.

 

Korea is one country I know of that does not require parents to travel and you can pay someone to bring the child here.  

 

There are many, many agencies.  We went through America World but there are some agencies (like Great Wall) that deal specifically in China.  Other agonies (Bethany comes to mind) deal heavily in Korea.  Some agencies are Christian based and only take professing Christians as parents.  Others are secular.

 

Tell you what......I will start a thread about it!  You can get other's perspectives and ideas as well as mine.

 

Can I tell you that my now 10 year old is the most amazing kid!  Everyone loves him.  He is just a great all around guy.  We have had him for almost 8 years.

 

Dawn

[DawnM]

Please chime in!

[Impish]

I think for anyone considering adoption, heavily research attachment disorders. And I mean, HEAVILY.

 

It's pretty much a given that a child entering a new family WILL have attachment issues. How could they not? The difference is, will it be an Interrupted Attachment Disorder, which can heal, given time and proper exercises/work done (sometimes it manages w/out any focused effort, but why not do attachment exercises regardless, kwim?) or Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) that rarely, if ever, fully heals?

 

Personally, I think *every* potential adoptive parent should look long and hard into RAD. Could they handle that? Are there resources in the area? RAD specialists, from what I understand, are few and far between. Kind of a, 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst' scenario. 

 

Unfortunately, the 'love heals all wounds' is a steaming pile of bull doody in too many situations in today's world. RAD is absolutely one of those situations.

[DawnM]

http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=67

 

Here is some info on RAD.  

 

 

 

[KrissiK]

We adopted all of our 5 children through the foster care system. We had a good experience. We have good kids. However, a friend of mine just came through a horrific experience with a 5 year old girl (they had her for 6 weeks) who exhibited psychotic behaviour. My children were all very young when we received them (under 2). I would say, do your research, get as much info on the child as possible, and get a child as young as possible.

[Ottakee]

We adopted through foster care.  Dh is a Native American tribal member and our kids were placed with us through the Indian Child Welfare Agency here in Michigan.

 

26ds came at 7 1/2 year old.  He has fetal alcohol, cognitive impairment, mild Cp and ADD but really is a breeze to parent.

 

18dd came at 7 months old and 6 months later 17dd (full sibs) came at 2 days old.  Both have extensive medical issues, some mental health issues, learning issues, etc.  A bit more challenging to parent but it is our norm.

 

Costs were nil and we did get some subsidies to help with their care after adoption and Medicaid.  2 of the 3 will likely never live on their own, always be on disability with extra help, etc.

[SKL]

True about RAD, but on the other hand, no child comes with a guarantee that all will be rosy.  My sister has two biological kids who have been a much bigger challenge (so far) than my two adopted kids.  One could say nobody should become a parent if not ready to handle anything parenthood could throw at them; but one could also say that nobody is ever "ready" for all that.  :P  We parent the children we get, as best we can.

 

Research RAD thoroughly, because you want to be able to recognize the early warning signs and know something about how RAD can be addressed.  That said, RAD is not always "curable."  But then, neither are a lot of things kids can be born with.

[SKL]

I adopted internationally.  Here were my steps roughly.

• Decide on international adoption over domestic.  Research countries (requirements, safeguards, wait periods...).  Decide on a country.  Research agencies that do adoptions in that country.  Choose an agency.  This process took me about 4 months.
• Sign up with an agency, fill out forms, take classes, have homestudy and other screenings / clearances done.  This process took about 6 months and involved about a hundred sub-steps.
• Assemble dossier and send to the foreign country for consideration / referral of children.
• Receive and accept referrals.  (The girls were then 3.5 mos / 3 weeks old.)  Pay the majority of the fees.  This happened about 1.5 months after my dossier was sent.
• There were many country-specific steps toward making the adoption happen legally there and get pre-approval from the US.  For local country purposes, the time period between referral and finalized adoption was about 7-8 months.
• Travel to visit my kids in the middle of the process.  This resulted in a preferred visa status.
• Observe as international adoption laws on both sides change and there is a constant threat that the process could end or be delayed for years....
• Travel to get my kids' visas and bring them home.  About 1.5 months after foreign adoption finalization.  My kids' ages were 9mos and 12mos.
• "Readopt" in my state to change name and get US birth certificates.
• Go through various formalities to document US citizenship.

Each step was stressful.  Add on the stress involved when anyone becomes a parent and the post-adoption adjustment of all three of us.  Adoption is not for the faint of heart.  I figure if you can get through all of the above with your sanity intact, you can probably survive whatever comes next.  ;)

[umsami]

Have you brought it up with your current kids? What are their thoughts?

 

You have three sons, are you specifically looking for a daughter (daughters) or are you open to any sex?

 

Are you open to special needs kids?  Are you open to a sibling group?

 

Have you and DH thought about being foster parents first?  If so, you might want to check out your state's requirements.  

[walkermamaof4]

I think for anyone considering adoption, heavily research attachment disorders. And I mean, HEAVILY.

 

It's pretty much a given that a child entering a new family WILL have attachment issues. How could they not? The difference is, will it be an Interrupted Attachment Disorder, which can heal, given time and proper exercises/work done (sometimes it manages w/out any focused effort, but why not do attachment exercises regardless, kwim?) or Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) that rarely, if ever, fully heals?

 

Personally, I think *every* potential adoptive parent should look long and hard into RAD. Could they handle that? Are there resources in the area? RAD specialists, from what I understand, are few and far between. Kind of a, 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst' scenario. 

 

Unfortunately, the 'love heals all wounds' is a steaming pile of bull doody in too many situations in today's world. RAD is absolutely one of those situations.

 I agree 100%. We adopted from Korea and it has been very, very, very, very hard overall. I still love adoption and recently asked dh to adopt from Philippines. I think deep down I wish it could be a tiny bit easier and try to tell myself that next time it will be. 

[LMV]

We're in the US and have adopted one child (DD14) through the foster care system.  We are currently in the extended process of adopting two more children (DFD9 and DFD5--full siblings who are about to become DFD10 and DFD6) through foster care.  None of these started out as true foster adopt placements (and in our area therapeutic foster placements require waivers if reunification is not part of the case plan) but we kept our minds and hearts open and these girls have become our daughters and valued members of our family. 

 

I don't disagree with the advice to educate yourself on attachment issues (including attachment disorders like RAD) but I also want to acknowledge that RAD is nowhere near a given.  None of the three girls we have brought into our family have RAD and we didn't see this in our foster son who we had guardianship of and who aged out of foster care in our home and then lived in our guest home when my husband felt that he wasn't ready for living on campus as a freshman or sophomore attending our local university. 

 

I think foster parents/adoptive parents need to have a plan for transition and building connections and then they need to meet their child where they are and adapt to go forward together.  We've never used an attachment specialist (and, honestly, some of the perspectives and practices of some attachment specialists are frightening and at least bordering on abuse) but the therapists we have used to address other struggles the girls have had (FAED/ARFID, PTSD, grief, depression) have included us in a collaborative fashion, and worked from a context of addressing transition, and attachment issues as we have gone forward. 

[DawnM]

I was asking for someone else. I have already adopted.

 

I just know I am not the expert, although there are things I know.   I wanted others to chime in.

 

Have you brought it up with your current kids? What are their thoughts?

 

You have three sons, are you specifically looking for a daughter (daughters) or are you open to any sex?

 

Are you open to special needs kids?  Are you open to a sibling group?

 

Have you and DH thought about being foster parents first?  If so, you might want to check out your state's requirements.  

 

[SKL]

One thing I would point out.  While adoption doesn't "define" who a child is, adoption is really an ongoing process.  As the kids get older and more aware of the world, they experience and process things that are unique to adoptees - for better or worse.  There are certain ages where it's common for an adoptee to feel badly (or worry) about things that didn't seem to be an issue before.  Adoptive parents need to embrace this whole process, even though parts of it aren't pretty.  And friends/family need to be understanding.  What might look to outsiders like a spoiled kid's tantrum (or a character flaw) may be something much more.

[Impish]

I'm *not* saying all children have RAD. I'm saying that attachment issues are normal, regardless of how minute. These children, regardless of if they've been in foster care, or orphanages, or under what circumstances, have experienced a profound loss, and are now going to a completely new environment. Some attachment issues, grieving, is to be expected. Being aware of attachment excercises is a positive thing, even if the child isn't profoundly affected by attachment issues.

[LMV]

One thing I would point out.  While adoption doesn't "define" who a child is, adoption is really an ongoing process.  As the kids get older and more aware of the world, they experience and process things that are unique to adoptees - for better or worse.  There are certain ages where it's common for an adoptee to feel badly (or worry) about things that didn't seem to be an issue before.  Adoptive parents need to embrace this whole process, even though parts of it aren't pretty.  And friends/family need to be understanding.  What might look to outsiders like a spoiled kid's tantrum (or a character flaw) may be something much more.

 

This is a good point.  I think these issues often ebb and flow.  Grief often does a similar thing and I think many children who are adopted have some grief mixed in at different points.  We try to just keep open communication, open minds, and open hearts.  DH definitely earned his parenting stripes with DFS but we've all come out on the other side and we're a family and that is what we try to keep sight of. 

[North Coast School]

I have too much to say on this topic!  Where do i begin?  We have been though almost every process...domestic agency, independent domestic adoption, foster care, international (two countries!!!)...as you can see from my sig i only have two kids, so you can do the math...we had more than one failed adoption attempt before our kids found us.

 

I will speak to a topic that is near and dear to my heart and that has not been discussed yet...OPEN ADOPTION.

 

Yes, we have open adoptions.  Two of them.

Yes, that means that I communicate openly about adoption top my children, communicate with their birthfamilies, and facilitate visits with birthfamilies as well.

Yes, I said visits.

No, it is not weird.

No, I am not worried about my kids' first mothers wanting to "take them back."

No, I am not jealous of my kids' first mothers.

I love my kids' birthmoms, sibs and grandmas.  They are all part of our family forever!

Yes, it can be stressful sometimes.

Yes, it can be painful sometimes.

Do my children need it?  Absolutely.  Is it best for them?  Absolutely.

 

One of my children, adopted by us at three days old, has always been anxiously attached.  Seeing birthmom and sibs every summer seems to fill up a tank inside my child's soul that needs to be filled...Seated between me--the mom, and "Jane"--the first mom, my child seems to relax in a way that we do not see at any other time...

 

My other child is less in need of the connection with birthfamily, but enjoys it all the same.  Birth grandma is a hoot and spoils the child!  Child loves the attention!

 

I would be happy to answer any questions about open adoption or any other aspect of domestic adopotion by those who are interested in adopting.  Please be respectful of language however...

Never say "real mom" when you mean birthmother or first mother.  I am a real mom!

"Adoption" is something that happens to a person and within a family.  It is not descriptive.  To be Adopted is a verb, not an adjective.  My children WERE adopted.  I do not identify them as "my adopted kids."

Yes, it costs money to adopt.  But I will only share those figures with you if you are truly wanting to adopt, not just because you are curious.

Please don't ask me, or any other parent who built their family with adoption, about their fertility.  It's none of your business!!!   :glare:

[SKL]

My kids want me to look for their birth moms, and because it is their wish, I am working on it.  It is scary because the outcome might be different for the two girls.  What if one of the birth moms is missing, dead, or perhaps worse, does not want anything to do with us?  Hard stuff, yet it's a privilege to be the person responsible to guide the kids through it.  If that makes any sense.

[a27mom]

My one bit of advice has to do with the foster care system.

 

If you look to adopt through foster care. Don't go into it planning to adopt, plan to be a foster parent and be willing to adopt if the opportunity arises. In my state it is extremely difficult to adopt children from foster care unless they are severely disabled or teenagers. Younger non-severely disabled children are adopted, but many are placed in "adoptive homes" and then not available for adoption. It is very difficult to terminate parents rights here. (This does vary by state).

 

I don't recommend foster parenting unless you are willing to "not adopt", or you want to adopt teenagers, or kids with severe disabilities (by severe I mean lifetime mental age/ function of 2yrs or less). Btw it is awesome if you do want to adopt these kids because they need loving parents :). Again this might vary by state.

[umsami]

My kids want me to look for their birth moms, and because it is their wish, I am working on it.  It is scary because the outcome might be different for the two girls.  What if one of the birth moms is missing, dead, or perhaps worse, does not want anything to do with us?  Hard stuff, yet it's a privilege to be the person responsible to guide the kids through it.  If that makes any sense.

 

How old are your kids?

 

I went through this as an almost 40 year old and probably the most surprising thing was the unearthing of a birth father…and one who wanted a relationship, but with whom I did not want a relationship.

[Spryte]

We've adopted twice.  Both wide open adoptions.  :)  For both, we were in the delivery room and roomed in with baby at the hospital till time to go home.  Our two experiences have been vastly different, and I'd say that they are on opposite ends of the spectrum.  One was a domestic private adoption, the other was through foster-care, but very open (birthparents requested baby to be placed with us as a stipulation of signing over to foster care).

 

One embodies every dream of open adoption and more.  It has been a fabulous, amazing experience and birthparents and their extended families have become our family.  It is beautiful.  Painful sometimes, difficult, but with communication - it all works. We visit often, birthfamily stays in our home for extended visits, and we are like any extended family, we have even vacationed together. We were in birthmother's wedding a few years ago.  :) I would compare it to the work that goes into any committed relationship, like a marriage really.  Not all adoptions are as open as ours, but we truly love our DS's birthfamily, and that makes it easier.  We have truly learned a lot about love through this process.  

 

We walked into our second adoption with our main concern being that we wanted the same level of openness for our next child, because we worried that another child would feel left out if their adoption were not as open.  We communicated that clearly, we did everything in our power to create openness, and felt that it was going well.  But at 8 weeks, the birthmother simply could not handle it.  She was young (very young), and without the support of her family - who knew us, but despite our efforts and sharing, did not really grasp the concept of openness in adoption, and maybe were simply eager for birthmother to "forget" and go back to her life - it just didn't work well and birthmom chose not to have visits for several years.  With some patience from us, and some gentle invitations, she has visited several times recently, but I fear we'll never have the openness we'd hoped. There has been outright hostility and inappropriate behavior from the birthfather's family - some of it has been frightening, some of it has created stress and fear and a sense of betrayal for us.  We have grieved the loss of openness deeply, and hope that things will smooth out in the future, as birthparents gain some maturity.  That adoption went through foster care, though we were present at the birth and brought baby home from the hospital - so it was a different type of foster-care adoption, and we truly hoped for another open experience.  Which we technically have - just not on the level we'd hoped.  

 

Based on those two experiences, I can answer questions about 2 different open adoptions - both are an on-going process, but we are in radically different places in each.

 

 

[Spryte]

 

 

I went through this as an almost 40 year old and probably the most surprising thing was the unearthing of a birth father…and one who wanted a relationship, but with whom I did not want a relationship.

 

If you'd ever like to share more about your experience upon finding birthrelatives, I'd love to hear about it.  DH has recently (in his 40s) found birthrelatives.  It's been quite a journey.  His birthparents are married now, with other children who don't know about DH!  One BP is open to meeting, the other has been reluctant.  They have been in email contact for several years, but DH is ready for this to either go somewhere (meeting? a phone call?  something beyond a sort of superficial sending of holiday cards and occasional emails) or end.  He has never had issues with knowing that he has a birthfamily out there until now - feeling like he's been strung along for years with constant suggestions of an upcoming visit that never materializes.  It's a strange experience, to say the least.  I think knowing that he has quite a few siblings out there who don't know that he exists is odd, too.

[HS Mom in NC]

We compared domestic, fostadopt and international adoption from several countries.  We adopted our youngest from S. Korea in 2006.

 

 

Choosing a Route to Adoption

 

1) Age

 

There are very different age possibilities depending on which route you take. Age is a factor that can increase likelihood of attachment issues, transition difficulties and family blending depending on the ages of the children already in the home.

 

2) Cost

 

This can vary dramatically.  Depending on how much money you have available some options may be cost prohibitive for you. Some countries require multiple trips there and others allow a child to be escorted to the adoptive parents' country at the adoptive parents' expense.  Adoptive parents cover the living expenses of birthmothers during the pregnancy and sometimes after the delivery for a month or two in addition to all medical and legal expenses.

 

3) Permanency

 

Fostadopt is not a sure thing.  Who is "in line" ahead of you a child that you get through each route? In the US birthmothers have a period of time after the birth to change their minds about placing a baby for private adoption. Will you be able to get your money back if she changes her mind?

 

4) Follow up care

 

Should the child you get need ongoing treatment, including living out of your home in a facility of some sort, who will bear the cost?

 

5) Heritage Responsibilities

 

Are you enthusiastic about teaching a child about his/her ethnic and cultural heritage from his/her birth country?  If not, international adoption is probably not for you. How do you feel about helping a child find a birthparent when they become adults with any one of many different results? If you're not comfortable with that, adoption with the possibility of locating a birthparent may not be for you. Open vs. closed adoptions have their own set of issues-be familiar with the best case scenarios and the worst case scenarios.

 

6) Birth Country/State Reputations

 

Different birth countries have different reputations for being honest and straightforward about a child's background and honest about how children entered into the system.  Be very sure you're comfortable and knowledgeable about each country you consider.  There are ethics issues with each one and some with fostercare in US that should be considered before participating in the process.

 

7) Exposure and Environmental Issues

 

Adopted children come from all sorts of different in utero environments (drugs, alcohol, malnourishment,etc.)   physical environments , emotional environments, genetic backgrounds (mental illness, substance abuse, some special needs, etc.) Risks are always present in adoption and statistically speaking, can increase when some factors increase in severity and duration. 

 

Always take a cold, hard look a the reality of adoption.  Talk to people who have BTDT.  Always prepare for the worst case scenario-you won't necessarily experience the worst case scenario, but you're prepared just in case it happens.

 

 

[Murmer]

Background:  I have done 2 domestic infant adoptions.  1 started closed and is now open (we go see her birth grandma on Saturday!!!!) and 1 started open and is now closed.

 

First I would decide what type of adoption I am drawn to, here are my personal pros and cons about each type:

1) Domestic infant (this is the only way to guarantee you will bring home a newborn) this can be done privately or through an agency, mostly depending on state laws where you live and where the child is born.  Most of these are women who are pregnant and are choosing to place their child, EVERY state in the union requires the legal paperwork to be done after the birth with most states being between 24 and 48 hours after birth and med free.  An expectant mother can make the choice to parent until they sign the paperwork and in some states within a limited time after (most states that do allow relinquishment to be cancelled say it must be down within 30 days or prove intense fraud).  Legal and biological father do have rights that are based on the individual states involved.  

With regard to contact there are 3 main times that fill a spectrum.  The most known version is closed in which the biological parents have NO contact...this is relatively rare in the current world of adoption but does occasionally happen.  Semi-open is when pictures and letters are exchanged through an agency thus little to know personal information is exchanged.  Open is when the adoptive and biological families are in contact personally and can range from exchange of letters directly all the way to visits.

Children placed in domestic adoption situation can range from neurotypical with no contra indicatives (prenatal care, no alcohol, no drugs) to extremely special needs.  Although adoptive parents can state what they are comfortable to have with regard to alcohol, drugs, and special needs there is no guarantees both of honesty from expectant parents or that the child will be free from all problems (my dd was a normal birth no contra indicatives and yet she is special needs it is what it is and would have been if she had been birthed from my womb).

Need to consider whether you are open to transracial adoption or would prefer a child of the same racial background as your family.

Domestic adoptions can range in price depending on agency fees, medical needs of the birthmother and baby, legal fees, advertising fees, and travel expenses.

2) Domestic foster care.  The children placed in this manner can range from newborn to 18.  It is the lowest cost option for adoption because most is subsidized through the state.  Due to the nature of a child's need for foster care there are usually some small to more severe special needs.  Contact is usually encouraged until the child is legally free for adoption.  While it is possible to directly adopt from foster care the vast majority of placements happen through families that are fostering first and open to adoption thus there is the chance the the child will only be in your home for a short time and will not be available for adoption.

3) International adoption.  The child available for adoption range from about 6 months and up depending on the country from which the adoption is occurring.  International adoptions are typically closed BUT there are some countries in which if there is living biological family it is possible to meet them.  Children waiting to be adopted can be in small foster home situations or can be institutionalized in an orphanage depending on the country.  The process also depends on country but for most it includes documentation gathering in your home state, followed by application to the US (I know there are things like fingerprints required), then the documents are sent to the country of interest where you are matched with a waiting child or placed on a waiting list.  Depending on the country you may be required to visit the child prior to the finalization of the adoption in the country and then return for official placement or you may be required to go once for multiple weeks and that included finalization and placement...there are a few countries that will do an escort service where they bring the child to you but that still usually requires at least one trip.  After the adoption if finalized in the child's country there is US paperwork and hopefully when that is finished the child can come into the states.  Depending on the country, and if you visited the child may automatically gain citizenship or you may need to readopt them in the US.  The cost of an international adoption can range in price although the most recent I saw started at about 10000 and went up from there.  Most likely an international adoption will be transracial.  While many children adopted internationally adapt amazingly well and are neurotypical there is concern about reactive attachment disorder (more common when institutionalized before placement) and also some countries are known for having more children with fetal alcohol issues (although that is also possible with any US based adoption).

 

Once you have decided what type of adoption may be best for you then I would look at agencies that specialize in that type of adoption.  If I was adopting domestically I would look for an agency that counsels all expectant mothers for free before and after placement and the supports they have for post placement contact.  If I was adopting internationally I would look for an agency that is HAGUE approved and has a program in the country I was interested in.  I would also look at the ethical way they work in the country and for the orphanage for those children not available for adoption.  If fostering I would call your local agency and find out about getting started on the training to see if it is a good fit.  Never feel bad for calling multiple agencies until you find one that fits what you are looking for best just make sure not to pay anyone until you have selected the agency you like best.

 

Then from there it will start with lots and lots and lots of paperwork and that can take as long or as short as you want it to.  Good luck.

[Jennifer132]

We did foster to adopt. IMO, it's a great option. First, you don't have to fly! ;) just kidding. But really, it does have some pros. For instance, if you foster, you can potentially get a placement right away. The adoption itself is free. The children receive medical/dental care until age 18 once adopted. Most will still receive their stipend after adoption. There are other benefits for the children as well, such a free college tuition for some and paid childcare for some. Post adoption counseling is available as well. You can potentially have your child with you from birth as a foster child (we did). Some would consider it a benefit as well that there is potential to keep in contact with the birth family and maintain those connections for your adopted child.

 

We actually went into fostering just to foster and help kids. We never thought we'd actually adopt, but we ended up adopting our first placement. We took her in at 10 days old and adopted her at 21 months!

 

I just wanted to add, I think adoption from foster care definitely varies by location. Someone said it is quite difficult where they are from. Here, in cases where drug abuse is involved, I think it's something like 80% of kids end up getting adopted. And it's 50/50 for the rest. Don't take that as exact, but that is what I have heard, and definitely what we and our friends here have experienced personally. out of the 10 couples who we trained to be certified with, every one has ended up adopting. These are fairly "normal" kids too--no real special needs. Our daughter is probably the most severe, and she has mild cerebral palsy. She is very bright and can walk, etc. she does use leg braces and has speech and physical therapy.

[LMV]

My one bit of advice has to do with the foster care system.

 

If you look to adopt through foster care. Don't go into it planning to adopt, plan to be a foster parent and be willing to adopt if the opportunity arises. In my state it is extremely difficult to adopt children from foster care unless they are severely disabled or teenagers. Younger non-severely disabled children are adopted, but many are placed in "adoptive homes" and then not available for adoption. It is very difficult to terminate parents rights here. (This does vary by state).

 

I don't recommend foster parenting unless you are willing to "not adopt", or you want to adopt teenagers, or kids with severe disabilities (by severe I mean lifetime mental age/ function of 2yrs or less). Btw it is awesome if you do want to adopt these kids because they need loving parents :). Again this might vary by state.

 

I think the bolded is generally good advice.  Although we accepted long term guardianship of one foster child (who was DH's godson before he became our foster son so it was a little different), adopted another, and are in the process of adopting two more children through foster care we initially went into all of their placements with the goal of being the parent they needed at that moment in time.  With time they all became part of our family and we agreed that adoption was the right thing for them and for our family.  With DD14 the path to adoption was complicated, long, tortuous, and sadly also a bit torturous but we knew it would be going in and we accepted that it was the path we had to walk and help her walk.  With DFD9 and DFD5 it took some time for us to truly believe that adoption was the best thing for both girls and we were patient and prayerful on this. In their case, they are legally free as both of their biological parents are dead and their surviving maternal grandfather believes in and supports our adoption of them.  Unfortunately DFD5 has had some additional health issues in the last few months and we've rescheduled things for that reason because her health will always take priority.  Additionally, the health issues have led to some additional paperwork on the caseworker's part and that is adding some time to the process. 

 

There have also been children we have taken as  therapeutic foster care or emergency foster care placements of medically fragile kids that we have known would be better served in different family arrangements or that we hoped would be successfully reunited with their parents.  We still have a quite close Aunt/Uncle type relationship with two of those children and their mothers.  Our therapeutic foster care program provides a lot of support, extra training, and facilitates a ongoing mentoring program with foster parents and birth parents after reunification. 

[SKL]

How old are your kids?

 

I went through this as an almost 40 year old and probably the most surprising thing was the unearthing of a birth father…and one who wanted a relationship, but with whom I did not want a relationship.

 

My kids are 7.  They have been saying they want to know if their birth moms and birth siblings are OK.

 

They aren't really cognizant of the idea that they have a birth father, yet.  At least, I don't think they are.  It has been mentioned a couple of times by me, in passing, but they haven't had "sex education" yet so I think it goes right over their heads.  (They know their birth moms were single when they were born.)

 

[North Coast School]

My one bit of advice has to do with the foster care system.

 

If you look to adopt through foster care. Don't go into it planning to adopt, plan to be a foster parent and be willing to adopt if the opportunity arises. In my state it is extremely difficult to adopt children from foster care unless they are severely disabled or teenagers. Younger non-severely disabled children are adopted, but many are placed in "adoptive homes" and then not available for adoption. It is very difficult to terminate parents rights here. (This does vary by state).

 

I don't recommend foster parenting unless you are willing to "not adopt", or you want to adopt teenagers, or kids with severe disabilities (by severe I mean lifetime mental age/ function of 2yrs or less). Btw it is awesome if you do want to adopt these kids because they need loving parents :). Again this might vary by state.

Yes to this.  In our state, reunification is the priority regardless of ANYTHING.  Our first foster son was reunified with birthfamily despite neglect, drug abuse, prostitution, criminal activity, and homelessness.  On his home visits with his mom, he would be returned starving and with a rash because he hadn't been fed enough or had his diaper changed.  But because she took her classes, she was reunified.  He was a precious, sweet little baby who called me mama and had just stated calling my dh "Da-Da." 

 

The situation broke my heart.  Literally.  The day the social worker took him away I cried so hard that I started throwing up and couldn't stop for almost an hour.

 

Foster parenting is not for the faint of heart, and in many cases does not result in a permanant placement.

[North Coast School]

My kids are 7.  They have been saying they want to know if their birth moms and birth siblings are OK.

 

They aren't really cognizant of the idea that they have a birth father, yet.  At least, I don't think they are.  It has been mentioned a couple of times by me, in passing, but they haven't had "sex education" yet so I think it goes right over their heads.  (They know their birth moms were single when they were born.)

 

One of my children has an unidentified birthfather, and this is troublesome to DC.  DC has said things like, "I like to pretend my birthfather is at work.  That's why he can't come to our visits."  DC is veeeery sensitive and the situation is confusing.  We will see how this pans out in the future.  I honestly believe that birthmom knows who he is, but just doesn't want to say.

 

Our other child's birthfather is identified, but he's pretty flighty...kind of a hippie...so he's hard to pin down.  We have never met him in person and it's been a long time since we've had an e-mail from him.  I check him out on facebook sometimes.  He has two other kids now and I wonder if i should try to get them together...

[KrissiK]

Yes to this. In our state, reunification is the priority regardless of ANYTHING. Our first foster son was reunified with birthfamily despite neglect, drug abuse, prostitution, criminal activity, and homelessness. On his home visits with his mom, he would be returned starving and with a rash because he hadn't been fed enough or had his diaper changed. But because she took her classes, she was reunified. He was a precious, sweet little baby who called me mama and had just stated calling my dh "Da-Da."

 

The situation broke my heart. Literally. The day the social worker took him away I cried so hard that I started throwing up and couldn't stop for almost an hour.

 

Foster parenting is not for the faint of heart, and in many cases does not result in a permanant placement.

This is true, though it can even vary county to county within a state. Some counties are very much wanting to reunify at almost all costs, while others are very pro-adoption. The county we worked with with our last adoption was very pro-adoption. They actually had their own Adoption Services Department, and the second and 4th Fridays of the month were reserved at juvenile court specifically for finalizations.

[HS Mom in NC]

We didn't have to travel to S. Korea.  We had our daughter escorted to LA by a Korean social worker and then an American social worker from our local agency flew to LA and escorted her to PHX. We paid for their tickets of course.

[Impish]

Being married to an adoptee makes for an interesting perspective as well. As does meeting birth family, etc.

 

It's definitely a spectrum of experience.

 

Hallmark lies a lot. :P

[NoseInABook]

This is an interesting thread. We haven't adopted yet but we hope to in the future. We just reunified our foster son with his bio mom after over a year of being here. He came at 5 weeks. It has been quite the interesting experience so I definitely second the, "If you're going to foster-adopt, plan on FOSTERING and don't expect to adopt." Even though we know several families who have adopted through foster care and we hope to do that as well. Just know that they can be and often are reunified with their bio families.

[Splash]

I adopted five times, all from S. Korea, they are now 19, 16, 15, 12, 8.    Korean adoption isn't what it used to be.  They do require travel now and stay 2-3 weeks or leave and come back.  The wait from referral to travel is over a year.  Just wanted to update the information.

[HS Mom in NC]

I adopted five times, all from S. Korea, they are now 19, 16, 15, 12, 8.    Korean adoption isn't what it used to be.  They do require travel now and stay 2-3 weeks or leave and come back.  The wait from referral to travel is over a year.  Just wanted to update the information.

 

Thanks for the update.  That's something people have to understand with international adoption-the rules change even in the same country all the time, so you can get a general idea from the BTDT crowd, but it can change overnight.  Most agencies have updated pages for the latest info.  The State Department also used to have a website for each country and if international adoption was allowed there.  I don't know how frequently they updated their info.

 

[mom@shiloh]

Our five youngest children were adopted from China.  We started out trying to adopt from foster care, but the process seemed to go nowhere and was so chaotic. .  We just wanted to have more children and simultaneously give a home to a child who didn't have one.  It was frustrating to be jumping through hoops and playing the court date/no court date waiting game when we knew kids were out there growing up with no one to take care of them.  

 

The China adoption process was predictable.  Expensive, time-consuming and stressful, but predictable.  There were steps to follow and times to wait, but at the end we knew we would bring a child home.  None of our kids were "healthy" so that made the process go faster.  It took about a year for each one.  My understanding is that the process for "healthy" kids is extremely long now.  

 

We've had some minor attachment issues and some other adoption issues going into adolescence, but mostly (aside from medical issues) things have gone smoothly and I'm so thankful God gave me the opportunity to be their mom.

[JonesinIndiana]

I'm *not* saying all children have RAD. I'm saying that attachment issues are normal, regardless of how minute. These children, regardless of if they've been in foster care, or orphanages, or under what circumstances, have experienced a profound loss, and are now going to a completely new environment. Some attachment issues, grieving, is to be expected. Being aware of attachment excercises is a positive thing, even if the child isn't profoundly affected by attachment issues.

How many times can I like this?^^^^

 

My understanding of RAD is it is on a continuum; you can have mild cases but you can also have burn the house down kill the dog kind. Those on the mild side might tend to call it "attachment issues" not RAD.

 

If you adopt you will be parenting a child with a history of trauma and loss. Learn as much as you can about it.

 

We adopted from China in 2003 and 2005. Both of our girls were NSN and the wait was about a year from log in date to travel. Things have changed now and continue to change. Most adoptions in China now are special needs. If adopting thru the special needs program there will probably be medical trauma if the child has had surgeries or procedures in China. :(