Positive Parents- Input wanted on *sensitive* dramatic daughter

[Soror]

My daughter (recently turned) 7 seems to be really prone to angry outbursts in the am. Inevitably someone will offend her or hurt her feelings and she will end up storming off. She seems to be prone to want to hit and call names at this time. She is generally the gentle type (most of the time). I'm wondering if perhaps it isn't a blood sugar issue, she does wake up hungry. Usually she will get a snack right off the bat but we don't usually do breakfast right away.

 

Any thoughts here? I told her this am that she needs to stick with me in the morning or in her room. How do I help her with her anger and hurt feelings? She is so similar to me but I don't know how to help her, goodness I didn't figure that out until well past childhood. Obviously it is not acceptable that she hit or call names but I want to get to the why and help her stop before she starts getting upset. It seems the tiniest thing sets her off in the am. Has anyone had a similar child? Has anyone had issues with blood sugar (or something else) causing similar problems? She has a fierce need for independence but of course there are certain rules and expectations for how everyone is treated, so I need to figure out how to give her the tools to take care of this herself.

[zoobie]

Feed her! If she's hangry, it's an easy fix. My oldest is a crankpot when hangry. Her mother may be too...

[sunnyday]

Sleep and food are the first two things I turn to when my kids are edgy and on a hair trigger. Banana or glass of milk the second she gets up? How long is she sleeping, and how well?

[PuddleJumper1]

I'd get some protein into her first thing. Sounds like a hunger or low blood sugar thing. Dh deals with that in the afternoon if he doesn't have a snack with some protein in it.

[almondbutterandjelly]

Feed her very first thing.  Also, some quiet music might help.  I am similar, in that I get very cranky when I have low blood sugar, plus I am not a morning person.  I am thinking your dd is not a morning person.  It honestly takes all of our reserves to not be unpleasant first thing in the morning.  That is a learned skill.

[umsami]

DD who is six is like this….especially if she didn't get to sleep early enough.  I can almost always tie it to that.  

 

You could also work with her to do some sort of thankfulness exercise in the morning, prayer, exercise…etc.  Anything to change the dynamic.  When DD gets negative, our usual response is to say "OK…tell me three things you are thankful for.." "Or three things you're looking forward to today.."  "Or three things that you like about your brother."   SHe used to balk at that, but now knows that it helps.

[maize]

Sounds like you have my daughter at your house. I agree with sleep and food--and maybe food sensitivities. One interesting experience that made me think blood sugar is at play: one week I bought a bunch of fruit snacks (not something I usually buy) because the all-natural ones were on sale and I needed an easily portable snack for my toddler. The kids ate fruit snacks all week--literally, like 20 packs in a day. I thought all that sugar would result in all kinds of behavior problems, but actually it was the best week I could remember in a long time for dd6. I think the fact that she was snacking constantly throughout the day kept her blood sugar up and kept her from crashing. I don't recommend living off of fruit snacks, but it did make me more aware of her need to eat very, very frequently. She is my thin, high metabolism child.

 

She has sleep problems too, those are harder to address :(

 

eek, I hear her melting down and screaming at someone right now. Better go.

[happi duck]

I once learned a great definition...

Fair is not everyone getting the same but everyone getting what they need.

 

Does your dd need her own stash of protein bars in her room? How about a toy or music by her bed for transitioning?

 

I personally need time in the morning by myself. I stay in bed and play a word game app.

 

Eta: as a kid my family just let me get ready without talking...no one tried to engage me. It gave me the space I needed to get past the most difficult part of the day for me.

[texasmama]

I think I would put a piece of peanut butter toast in her hand with some milk or almond milk when she rolls out of bed.  Sit next to her and put your hands on her, patting, hugging, stroking hair.  See how that works for a few days.  She may have low blood sugar and/or need mom to fill her cup before her day launches.  I always remember Jessie Wise saying that a sandwich can fix any problem so feed the cranky kids a sandwich.  I think there is truth in that.  :)

[Cinder]

I'd also try feeding her first thing in the morning. When ds1 was young he'd get into a rage if he didn't eat within about 15 mins of waking up. But if I was quick to feed him in the morning the day went much more smoothly. My dd is another one who gets cranky when she hasn't eaten. But even at 9yo she doesn't realize that she needs to eat to feel better. She just thinks everyone is out to ruin her day. :001_rolleyes:

[Farrar]

DD who is six is like this….especially if she didn't get to sleep early enough. I can almost always tie it to that.

 

You could also work with her to do some sort of thankfulness exercise in the morning, prayer, exercise…etc. Anything to change the dynamic. When DD gets negative, our usual response is to say "OK…tell me three things you are thankful for.." "Or three things you're looking forward to today.." "Or three things that you like about your brother." SHe used to balk at that, but now knows that it helps.

While food and sleep may be the roots, doing something like this helps with mindfulness, so I would definitely do that.

[Guest submarines]

This is my daughter, and that was me. Keep talking to her about coping strategies and she will start internalizing and using them. She's 12, and even though her personality (sensitivity, drama) has remained the same, she is much more aware of coping strategies than I ever was. Books from this series "What to do when your temper flares" are all excellent. We've had them since she was 6 or 7.

 

For DD her behavior has affected her self esteem--she is very hard on herself for those outbursts. We are working on this as well--meditations, affirmations, focusing on the positives. DD also has an anxiety component in the mix.

 

DD is much more aware of her feelings and how to cope than I was at her age. She still gets emotional and dramatic, and she is not able to cope effectively on her own every single time, but her abilities are growing.

 

Being off gluten since she was about 9 yo has also helped. Now it is clear that she is allergic to gluten--if she has some, she has an intense allergic reaction. (she had no visible reactions other than emotional instability when she was on gluten).

 

Feel free to PM me.

 

ETA: I know that some feel offended when gluten is mentioned as a panacea. I hope you are not, but even if you are, I'd rather risk offending. It took me *years* to finally come to terms that it could be gluten--a poster after poster mentioning the possibility, and I just wasn't ready to accept it. It took an extremely rough patch (DD's behavior deteriorating--outbursts, anxiety, emotional ups and downs) for me to finally take gluten out of her diet as the last resort before taking her to a psychiatrist, and the results were almost instantaneous, and so obvious, that it was DD who decided she wouldn't go back to eating gluten.

[trulycrabby]

...and don't forget the prune juice! Prune juice has taken care of many cranky mornings at our house! :o

[Soror]

Great thoughts everyone. 

 

Answering some questions-

1) Bedtime has not been consistent since time change, before then we were doing very well -  we still had an issue (I'm working on remedying this but it seems our schedule has been crazy- it is definitely on the priority list as it can only help all of us)

2) Dd is gluten free, she was previously df as well and I've contemplated taking her back off of dairy- I know gluten affects ds' behavior very negatively

3) She usually has a snack immediately upon waking but not a meal

4) I have tried coaching her in self-talk which helps some  but in the moment she doesn't remember

 

I love the idea of a gratitude journal. I've been thinking about getting her a journal as I think it would be great for her and she is getting old enough to write more. 

 

I've been having time with her before everyone gets up she has a snack and does her math and that actually seems to be good but then she wants to play with her brother and sister but she cannot seem to handle it well. I talked to her about it this am and she stayed with me or in her room most of the time and we only had 1 meltdown. Part of the problem is that her brother and sister are the opposite and want to play right away. Also, I have a hard time figuring out a quick breakfast that is gf, especially gf and df, she also tends to be more picky in the am. A lot of times she doesn't want eggs, I need to brainstorm more about breakfast.

 

She does have her own room now, thank goodness but perhaps she is still not getting enough time and space to herself. I need to help her in establishing boundaries so she can get her space and time. I think perhaps I haven't been thinking enough about the fact that she is an introvert, like me and needs that. 

[Joyofsixreboot]

My cranky does best if left alone. She has a desk in her room and does reading, handwriting, spelling by herself first thing. When she was younger it was mazes,etc. if I just give her half an hour she'll come down, get some cocoa and move on. She's still not an " easy" person but she's not mean.

[Catwoman]

If she has time for a snack before breakfast, she has time for breakfast.

 

Is there any reason why you have to delay breakfast? I know if I had a little snack and then had to do math, I'd be in a rotten mood, too. ;)

 

Also, can you re-structure your schedule so the kids aren't playing together before breakfast?

[MomatHWTK]

You might take a look at the Mind-Up curricula or other "mindfulness" materials for children.  Also, anger management for kids- there are more resources available than in the past.  My DS also forgets in the moment all the steps- it is a habit building process.  And yes, low blood sugar is bad news around here. 

[Corraleno]

Also, I have a hard time figuring out a quick breakfast that is gf, especially gf and df, she also tends to be more picky in the am. A lot of times she doesn't want eggs, I need to brainstorm more about breakfast.

 

Could you make a big batch of high-protein gf/cf muffins and keep them in the freezer? Then you could just heat one up in the microwave and serve it with a quick banana-almond smoothie as soon as she gets up.

[MomatHWTK]

I keep Enjoy Life bars and cookies on hand.  DS won't motivate without something but he will eat these because they are sweet.  I wait about an hour and then insist on a protein. It usually isn't a "breakfast" food.  Lunchmeat or baked meat if you don't do processed will work.  I make various dishes the kids can heat up on their own and when he starts getting testy I will tell him to go have a protein.  DS doesn't care for these, but I use raw hulled sunflower seeds for my go-to protein. Sunbutter spread is good too. One of mine eats it off the spoon, which would solve the gluten problem.   I get the breakfast bars and the seeds from Vitacost and have a standing monthly delivery.  Our local grocery carries the Sunbutter, or you can find it in health food stores and/or online. 

 

I also keep tons of chocolate soy milk on hand.  I know it is more sugar than most want- but they drink it and it does have protein.  You could bump up the protein content with a protein powder.  If you want to limit the soy, you can go with a rice protein powder.  Rice protein is harder to find, but tastes "OK".  I used it to add to my protein intake while pregnant.  I guess if you aren't dealing with allergies you could also use nuts as a quick protein.     We have wheat "back" in our diet after years without but are egg and nut free. 

[Farrar]

 

4) I have tried coaching her in self-talk which helps some  but in the moment she doesn't remember

 

 

This is a problem for even the wisest adults, I think.  Ds's therapist had him write the positive thoughts on cards which he has to read to remind himself and basically etch the thoughts in his mind.  (She probably doesn't know about the power of copywork!)  But I think anything like this - a pretty poster with all the good self-talk words on her wall, a set of cards, etc. can be useful.

[Soror]

She has a snack first because that doesn't require cooking and she wants something as soon as she wakes up but she doesn't want anything big. Muffins are a possibility, I'll have to look at recipes and see if I can find one she likes. I make muffins sometimes but she isn't always the biggest fan. She does like larabars and I do make homemade batches of these sometimes. I've done smoothies some and she sometimes likes those. 

 

We just recently started doing her math in the morning, the moodiness in the am has long been a problem.  Doing math early actually works well as we get it done before everyone else wakes up, which makes it go much smoother and she gets concentrated time with me. The issue starts when everyone else gets up and we start in on the day. 

 

I did talk to her about keeping a journal and found a special notebook for her, I didn't think of having her to write down positive affirmations, that is great. I know before she has used the journal to right down her frustrations, which I think helps some but I like her focusing on the positives. I'll have to keep an eye out for signs to put on her wall, I think she would like that. 

[KungFuPanda]

The BEST roommate I ever had in the Army didn't speak to me in the morning. We did PT, showered, got ready, did our little army chores, ate breakfast, went to formation, got dismissed to walk to class, and finally said 'Good Morning' and chit-chatted in the classroom. It was a great match. Neither of us was social in the morning.

 

I'm still not a morning person and would rather nobody engaged me before I've had my tea. I'm not a breakfast person, but that morning cup with sugar and a splash of milk brings me to full consciousness. One of my kids is the same way. If we're visiting someone with a 'lively' morning household we have to force ourselves to be polite. At the age of seven, I wouldn't have pulled it off.

[mamaraby]

 I always remember Jessie Wise saying that a sandwich can fix any problem so feed the cranky kids a sandwich.  I think there is truth in that.  :)

My dh has the same parenting philosophy.  :0)

 

Aside from food (muffins, etc) then I might consider getting her a book she can read. Sometimes I find that if my kid reads it in a book, even if I've already said it myself, then it seems to carry more weight or they pay more attention.  Ds is enjoying "Understanding Myself:  A Kid's Guide to Intense Emotions and Strong Feelings."  I usually have ds read the chapter on his own and we talk about it after he finishes.  There are some other really good ones out there so if what I suggested won't work, definitely take a look at some of the related ones Amazon brings up.