I thought that the attitude was supposed to start when they're TEENAGERS

[lovinmomma]

Ugh. My oldest dd9 is driving me completely crazy lately. Gosh I love that girl, but WOW. She argues about everything and anything I say unless it's "yes" and sometimes even then if I say yes, but then she tries to push for more. I'm literally meaning that she argues with everything.

 

She's also developed quite the attitude, too. Tonight, when I was reminding her about something she didn't notice I had walked into the room and I caught her mocking me while I was talking to her....omgosh I almost blew a gasket, but I let it go because quite honestly it kinda freaked me out. More than anything it scared me because I don't want our relationship to be like that, and it kinda shocked me.

 

Her emotions are a force to be reckoned with, too. She has melt-down fits over every little thing. Last week it was because I had to wash the dishes before I headed to work, and I asked her to wait until after I washed the dishes to take a shower. She literally broke down sobbing in tears.....uhhh....huh? How is it possible that she's acting this way already??? I thought this was what teenagers are like??? Sigh. No one prepared me for this. I miss my sweet baby girl.

 

Do I need to spend more time with her or something? What am I doing wrong?

[Arcadia]

For a 9 year old girl, it could be hormonal due to puberty.

[fraidycat]

Wrong. You thought wrong.

:grouphug: :grouphug:

I have an 11 year old DD. She's had attitude and emotions for... Gosh it feels like FOREVER already. But in reality, I think she started around 8.

Damn hormones. They suck.

[Unicorn.]

Welcome to puberty.  Blech.  Make sure she is getting enough sleep.  Give her some valarien root or chamomile at night.  Make sure she is getting a balanced diet, w/ plenty of protein, and yes, spend time more time w/ her. 

 

When my kids make faces at me... I make faces back.. it tends to break the tension on their end.  If she mocks you, copy her, and tell her "you still have to do xyz" or whatever it is you were trying to tell her, and walk away.  I know most people are going to comment on the disrespectful aspect of it, but if you don't make it a huge deal, you take away her power, and it lightens the mood and defuses the anger.  hth

[lovinmomma]

For a 9 year old girl, it could be hormonal due to puberty.

 

I think you're probably right.

 

Wrong. You thought wrong.

:grouphug: :grouphug:

I have an 11 year old DD. She's had attitude and emotions for... Gosh it feels like FOREVER already. But in reality, I think she started around 8.

Damn hormones. They suck.

 

Apparently I did!!! :) Sigh. Ignorance is bliss, right?

 

Welcome to puberty.  Blech.  Make sure she is getting enough sleep.  Give her some valarien root or chamomile at night.  Make sure she is getting a balanced diet, w/ plenty of protein, and yes, spend time more time w/ her. 

 

When my kids make faces at me... I make faces back.. it tends to break the tension on their end.  If she mocks you, copy her, and tell her "you still have to do xyz" or whatever it is you were trying to tell her, and walk away.  I know most people are going to comment on the disrespectful aspect of it, but if you don't make it a huge deal, you take away her power, and it lightens the mood and defuses the anger.  hth

 

The chamomile would be for sleep? I guess I just wasn't quick enough on my toes with the nasty faces because it caught me off guard. :)

 

Soooo.... I don't mean to sound completely dense, but she's just going to be like this....forever? Or until she's 30 or something? lol

[Hannah]

We went through a time of high emotions and attitude with my 14yo dd, but she has settled into herself.  Now the hormones are starting to kick in for the 9yo!

[PeachyDoodle]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

FWIW, we're seeing exactly the same thing with dd8 (9 next month). It really came on out of nowhere. I also thought we had 3 or 4 more years of bliss before we entered this stage. I thought wrong. And since this is our first year homeschooling, I was convinced that we'd somehow pushed her over the edge by taking her out of school, even though she seemed perfectly happy with the decision back in the summer and fall. My only hope is that since we started this ride early, we might finish early as well.

 

DH was so freaked out by it all that he actually called and had a long talk with the pediatrician -- who said, nope this is totally normal. Sigh.

[Night Elf]

My oldest dd started that around age 10. She was a totally different person by age 17. She doesn't remember being bratty at all. My youngest dd only got moody, not much attitude. She's 16 now and is much more settled.

[Chris in VA]

Another mom who saw her sweet-as-pie girlie get all hormonal and sarcastic.

We diffused a lot with humor. 

"A soft answer turns away wrath" (Prov 15:1) became my internal mantra! lol

 

Keep boundaries steady, talk and listen a lot, build the relationship!

 

Have you heard of a pillow journal? (There are other names for it.) You share a journal with her--you write in it to her, leave it on her pillow, and she writes back, leaving it on your pillow. It's just for you two. (If anyone else would read it, you can put it in a special, more secure place.) Intro it by writing in it first, explaining on the first page how some things are easier to express in writing, that it's just for you two, and all that. Make the first note really positive--maybe something you noticed that you are really proud of her for or enjoy about her. She can ask you questions or call you out on something that hurt, or whatever--and you can do the same (in a grown up, modeling way! No "boy, you were a prepubescent bitch today" or anything like that...). It can be a useful tool. 

 

Oh, and the arguing? Welcome to the Logic Stage! 

[Chelle in MO]

Mine are all boys, but I've noticed a general trend of attitude problems around late elementary/early middle school age, then again in late middle/early high school.

 

I've finally learned to (mostly) cope by being calm in my responses, confident in my position, and consistent in consequences. The less I engage emotionally, the better things go. It's really hard to detach, but it has helped so much.  The waffling on my part in the early years made things worse.  I think they need a solid, stable wall to push against when they are floundering emotionally.  That's not to say that I'm not ever flexible, though.  It's just that day-to-day, I handle things pretty no-nonsense, but kindly.

 

I hope things level out for you soon!  Hang in there!

 

 

[Chelle in MO]

"A soft answer turns away wrath" (Prov 15:1) became my internal mantra! lol

 

Keep boundaries steady, talk and listen a lot, build the relationship!

 

Oh, and the arguing? Welcome to the Logic Stage! 

 

Love these, Chris!

[Starr]

It's a time of love and teaching but it doesn't mean a free pass. We all have to learn to be polite however we feel.  :grouphug:

[MomtoCandJ]

Ugh mine is only 5 and is already starting the emotional thing. I mean she's always been sensitive but now it's just ridiculous. She seems to think its "her fault" if I stub my toe to help her get her juice, then starts crying.
Is there any way I can stop this? I reassure her that its not her fault and snuggle her and what not. I have never told her something was her fault, her issue yes but not fault. Example of issue would be that she falls over a toy in her room after I told her to pick it up.

[Ellie]

Children of any age can have bad attitudes. That your dd seems to have "attitude" at 9 doesn't necessarily have anything to do with hormones or puberty or anything else.

 

And even if it is, that's no reason to make excuses for the attitude. That is, sometime if we find a reason for attitude, such as puberty, we are less likely to correct it the same way we would if we just think of it as bad behavior. In the history of the world, people didn't excuse their children's behavior because of puberty, KWIM?

[AK_Mom4]

What helped us all survive those days - plenty of vigorous exercise (for the kids and also for me!), regular meals and time alone in our rooms when the attitudes tipped over and humor didn't work to diffuse the situation.  Not alone for punishment, but alone to get some space to pull it all back together. 

 

I found it very helpful to send ME to my room when I got grinchy!

[Trish]

Ugh. My oldest dd9 is driving me completely crazy lately. Gosh I love that girl, but WOW. She argues about everything and anything I say unless it's "yes" and sometimes even then if I say yes, but then she tries to push for more. I'm literally meaning that she argues with everything.

 

She's also developed quite the attitude, too. Tonight, when I was reminding her about something she didn't notice I had walked into the room and I caught her mocking me while I was talking to her....omgosh I almost blew a gasket, but I let it go because quite honestly it kinda freaked me out. More than anything it scared me because I don't want our relationship to be like that, and it kinda shocked me.

 

Her emotions are a force to be reckoned with, too. She has melt-down fits over every little thing. Last week it was because I had to wash the dishes before I headed to work, and I asked her to wait until after I washed the dishes to take a shower. She literally broke down sobbing in tears.....uhhh....huh? How is it possible that she's acting this way already??? I thought this was what teenagers are like??? Sigh. No one prepared me for this. I miss my sweet baby girl.

 

Do I need to spend more time with her or something? What am I doing wrong?

 

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, that's a phase most kids go through. However, on the part where she is mocking you and you happened to catch it, I think I WOULD say something. I remember doing something similar at a similar age (referred to my mother as HER in a REALLY snarky tone, talking about her where she could hear me, not to her) and my mother told me in no uncertain terms that she would not tolerate me using such a disrespectful tone, and if I wanted to be respected in our family I needed to keep that in mind. Well that simple conversation obviously stuck with me to this day.And it certainly did not ruin our relationship!

 

You might say something similar, and maybe add, "I'm sure you wouldn't want to hear me talking about YOU in such a disrespectful way, would you?"

 

And add something like it's okay, and normal to get angry, frustrated etc etc with family members, and there are ways to blow off steam, but talking to/about family members disrespectfully is NOT one of them.

 

When my boys talk back to me, I call them on it EVERY time. And I don't have a huge punishment, actually, the fact that I'm calling them on it and having the "conversation again" about it is actually its own punishment. (or can be. If they persist they get sent to their rooms to "think about their tone," etc.)

 

And when I lose my temper and say something over the top to my kids, I apologize to THEM.

[lovinmomma]

We went through a time of high emotions and attitude with my 14yo dd, but she has settled into herself.  Now the hormones are starting to kick in for the 9yo!

 

Eek! I'm beginning to realize that this is going to be the story of my life for quite some time to go. DD9 is the oldest and there are 3 more children still to go. 1 of them is a boy, so that will probably open up a whole new can of worms when we start dealing with his hormones.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

FWIW, we're seeing exactly the same thing with dd8 (9 next month). It really came on out of nowhere. I also thought we had 3 or 4 more years of bliss before we entered this stage. I thought wrong. And since this is our first year homeschooling, I was convinced that we'd somehow pushed her over the edge by taking her out of school, even though she seemed perfectly happy with the decision back in the summer and fall. My only hope is that since we started this ride early, we might finish early as well.

 

DH was so freaked out by it all that he actually called and had a long talk with the pediatrician -- who said, nope this is totally normal. Sigh.

 

DH is definitely freaked out. I don't think he really knows how to deal with all of the crying. lol He just looks at me with a panicked look as if to say "Help me! Please!". Shhhh... I've yet to mention the fact that right now he only has to deal with 1 girl's hormones (besides mine- which are HORRIBLE).... wait until he has 3 young girls with raging hormones. ;)

 

My oldest dd started that around age 10. She was a totally different person by age 17. She doesn't remember being bratty at all. My youngest dd only got moody, not much attitude. She's 16 now and is much more settled.

 

Well, it sounds like this isn't abnormal but I was just completely w.r.o.n.g. about how this whole hormone/teenager thing was going to play out.

 

Another mom who saw her sweet-as-pie girlie get all hormonal and sarcastic.

We diffused a lot with humor. 

"A soft answer turns away wrath" (Prov 15:1) became my internal mantra! lol

 

Keep boundaries steady, talk and listen a lot, build the relationship!

 

Have you heard of a pillow journal? (There are other names for it.) You share a journal with her--you write in it to her, leave it on her pillow, and she writes back, leaving it on your pillow. It's just for you two. (If anyone else would read it, you can put it in a special, more secure place.) Intro it by writing in it first, explaining on the first page how some things are easier to express in writing, that it's just for you two, and all that. Make the first note really positive--maybe something you noticed that you are really proud of her for or enjoy about her. She can ask you questions or call you out on something that hurt, or whatever--and you can do the same (in a grown up, modeling way! No "boy, you were a prepubescent bitch today" or anything like that...). It can be a useful tool. 

 

Oh, and the arguing? Welcome to the Logic Stage! 

 

This post is amazing. I could hug you! These are awesome ideas. Thank you. My dd would LOVE this. She loves to draw and write.

 

Honestly, I don't know that she stood a chance on the whole arguing issue. My mother always told me that I should be a lawyer and in actuality I was pre-law before I decided to stay home and have kids.

[lovinmomma]

Mine are all boys, but I've noticed a general trend of attitude problems around late elementary/early middle school age, then again in late middle/early high school.

 

I've finally learned to (mostly) cope by being calm in my responses, confident in my position, and consistent in consequences. The less I engage emotionally, the better things go. It's really hard to detach, but it has helped so much.  The waffling on my part in the early years made things worse.  I think they need a solid, stable wall to push against when they are floundering emotionally.  That's not to say that I'm not ever flexible, though.  It's just that day-to-day, I handle things pretty no-nonsense, but kindly.

 

I hope things level out for you soon!  Hang in there!

 

Thank you!!! I'm sure I'll be back here when my son reaches that age.

[lovinmomma]

It's a time of love and teaching but it doesn't mean a free pass. We all have to learn to be polite however we feel.  :grouphug:

 

True. Good point.

 

Ugh mine is only 5 and is already starting the emotional thing. I mean she's always been sensitive but now it's just ridiculous. She seems to think its "her fault" if I stub my toe to help her get her juice, then starts crying.
Is there any way I can stop this? I reassure her that its not her fault and snuggle her and what not. I have never told her something was her fault, her issue yes but not fault. Example of issue would be that she falls over a toy in her room after I told her to pick it up.

 

5?! :svengo: I guess I should be grateful that the gumdrops and lollipops attitude lasted until she was 8 or 9 then, right?

 

Children of any age can have bad attitudes. That your dd seems to have "attitude" at 9 doesn't necessarily have anything to do with hormones or puberty or anything else.

 

And even if it is, that's no reason to make excuses for the attitude. That is, sometime if we find a reason for attitude, such as puberty, we are less likely to correct it the same way we would if we just think of it as bad behavior. In the history of the world, people didn't excuse their children's behavior because of puberty, KWIM?

 

Hmmm... yes, I certainly wouldn't want to be making excuses for her attitude, and I completely get your point here. Snarky attitude is snarky attitude no matter what.

 

However, I'm not talking about a child that slowly developed an attitude over years, months, or even weeks. I'm talking about a child that has always been above and beyond sweet and gentle and (dare I say) compliant. She is quite literally the student that her teacher uses as an example of how other students should behave. She is the child that has been given enormous amounts of privileges due to the fact that she is worthy of such high responsibility based on her past behavior. Yet, within a matter of days her attitude shifted significantly. I think that would probably alarm most parents, and I certainly wouldn't want to "punish" behaviors that might possibly have an underlying cause without first exploring those possibilities.

 

Now, that said, I actually do correct the behavior immediately, but when something is so obviously out of character I allow a little more grace until I've ruled out other possibilities.

 

As a side note: This child was initially raised using a parenting philosophy that I now whole-heartedly, completely, wildly disagree with and there are times that I think that it still has an impact on our connection and attachment.

 

What helped us all survive those days - plenty of vigorous exercise (for the kids and also for me!), regular meals and time alone in our rooms when the attitudes tipped over and humor didn't work to diffuse the situation.  Not alone for punishment, but alone to get some space to pull it all back together. 

 

I found it very helpful to send ME to my room when I got grinchy!

 

Yes, absolutely great advice. This is what we've been doing so far. When she can't control her emotions I've been sending her to her room to compose herself, but she's allowed to come out whenever she wants as long as she isn't causing a scene where the rest of the family is.

 

Your advice about exercise and diet is something that I actually hadn't thought much about in relation to this discussion. I will certainly be giving that much thought! Thank you!

[lovinmomma]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, that's a phase most kids go through. However, on the part where she is mocking you and you happened to catch it, I think I WOULD say something. I remember doing something similar at a similar age (referred to my mother as HER in a REALLY snarky tone, talking about her where she could hear me, not to her) and my mother told me in no uncertain terms that she would not tolerate me using such a disrespectful tone, and if I wanted to be respected in our family I needed to keep that in mind. Well that simple conversation obviously stuck with me to this day.And it certainly did not ruin our relationship!

 

You might say something similar, and maybe add, "I'm sure you wouldn't want to hear me talking about YOU in such a disrespectful way, would you?"

 

And add something like it's okay, and normal to get angry, frustrated etc etc with family members, and there are ways to blow off steam, but talking to/about family members disrespectfully is NOT one of them.

 

When my boys talk back to me, I call them on it EVERY time. And I don't have a huge punishment, actually, the fact that I'm calling them on it and having the "conversation again" about it is actually its own punishment. (or can be. If they persist they get sent to their rooms to "think about their tone," etc.)

 

And when I lose my temper and say something over the top to my kids, I apologize to THEM.

 

Great advice! I think you have a good point about trying to help her understand how she would feel if I was treating HER that way. I think sometimes kids forget that although we're their parents... we're still human. We have feelings the same way that they do.

[lovinmomma]

I mentioned to dd yesterday that I wanted to set up a date just for us two, and I wanted her to decide what she wanted to do (within our budget) and get back with me. She was really excited about that idea!

[Trish]

I mentioned to dd yesterday that I wanted to set up a date just for us two, and I wanted her to decide what she wanted to do (within our budget) and get back with me. She was really excited about that idea!

 

:party:

 

We do that with our boys, they love one-on-one time!