shanvan Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 Do you ever feel like you, as the mom and the teacher, are THE motivation in your home? I'm kinda in that place right now after spending an entire day solving problems for everyone here including my husband. I'd like to just give up and let them all just do and be whatever they have decided. It's a bit ironic that they all have reasons why they need to do x, y or z completely differently from the way I have asked it to be done or from the way I have explained it is usually done after they have just asked me how to do it! (oh, and on a different time table too)............and yet they all come running to me to help them solve their problems when whatever it is they didn't listen to me about isn't working out so well. I don't even want to say "I told you so." I just want to stop figuring out how to motivate everyone else and instead put my effort into my own motivations that are completely separate from the desire to get anyone here to do any particular thing in any sort of timely manner! Oh, yes, and when I do follow my own motivations, I don't want to be interrupted to answer a question about a problem that stems from another persons lack of forethought. ​I feel like I have been pulling a rope behind me as I climb the mountain that is THE DAY and I am realizing that the rope is attached to every member of my family. And they won't even cooperate and stay attached to the rope! They have to go off in different directions until they are facing some kind of emergency that they need me to solve for them. (The printer that isn't working, which, of course I did not ever say a word about ahead of time, and is now desperately needed for some sort of deadline, for example) I can only conclude that they have me confused with a superhero. You know, maybe this whole dynamic is what drives some of us to the Unmotivated Moms Lounge! Venting over--maybe.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellie Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 I SO understand. I get that way more often than not this time of year. Oh, you need that now but weren't going to tell me until there's not enough time left to finish? Um, no. LOL I have had the I don't care whether we eat cereal for three meals a day type day, and now it's nearing 11pm and i still haven't folded the laundry because the table's still a mess (table is my everything, it's for school, work, eating, folding, etc.) So, here I am ready to go to bed with a dirty kitchen and unfolded clothes. And I. Don't. Care. LOL Here's to a more motivated tomorrow, and kids who actually believe what we say to be true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 *hugs* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 Oh yes, I definitely understand. I complain regularly that I'm the only one making things go. Except my rope analogy is the flip side of yours--I think I am pushing limp rope uphill. I am the pusher, and everyone else is the limp rope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 ​I feel like I have been pulling a rope behind me as I climb the mountain that is THE DAY and I am realizing that the rope is attached to every member of my family. And they won't even cooperate and stay attached to the rope! This made me laugh. Sorry. I think we all feel like this sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 Definitely. I have noticed that as I pull back from being the superhero problem solver and let each family member own their own problems that they either meet their own challenges, or relax their standards. This means that sometimes the kids leave the house without shoes (that they didn't put away in the closet and can't find), DH has gotten WAY better about organizing his own crap and carries a backpack with him to and from work to keep it all in (HUGE improvement over his old chaotic fly around at the last minute ways), etc. So the answer is just stop. Don't solve the problems. Let them reap the consequences. It's really the ONLY way they learn. One can "I told you so" until you're blue in the face, but if you keep pulling the rope they'll keep letting you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 lately I feel like just cutting the rope and scurrying off into some nice cave and letting them all fall in a heap off the face of the mountain. :sneaky2: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 Definitely. I have noticed that as I pull back from being the superhero problem solver and let each family member own their own problems that they either meet their own challenges, or relax their standards. This means that sometimes the kids leave the house without shoes (that they didn't put away in the closet and can't find), DH has gotten WAY better about organizing his own crap and carries a backpack with him to and from work to keep it all in (HUGE improvement over his old chaotic fly around at the last minute ways), etc. So the answer is just stop. Don't solve the problems. Let them reap the consequences. It's really the ONLY way they learn. One can "I told you so" until you're blue in the face, but if you keep pulling the rope they'll keep letting you. Just be prepared....when letting go of the rope, there is inevitably going to be a tumble down mess at the bottom and a bunch of angry towees. They feel it s your JOB to pull that rope, and it has been, because you made it your job. No judgement from me!! I was a rope puller. I decided to let go and the clean up was not pretty. It was necessary, but not pretty. Sometimes, I think it would be easier to pick it back up, but then any progress will be lost. I sometimes feel guilty, because I feel like maybe it is my job to pull that rope!!! I see other moms happily pulling, and pushing, and prodding with good results on their kids! I just don't have the energy or inclination any more. I am NOT a good rope puller!!! I have a hard enough time with my own stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 You said it perfectly. I feel like that so often--so very, very often. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 I am the motivator of my home, the policeman, the Problem solver, and the knower of where everything is. I, therefore, earn the right to make all major decisions. I grew up in a matriarchal home and my home follows suit. I like it that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 I'm also a very poor rope puller. One thing that has been very nice is that my oldest who is now at college has come to appreciate what I did and continue to do for everyone. When she has come home to visit, she is so sweet to me. When she sees that I'm feeling low or overwhelmed, she hugs me and tells me that she loves me and that I'm a good mommy. If all of them turn out like that, it will have been worth it. But I think I may have just got lucky with that one and I'm not holding my breath. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LLMom Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 I understand. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tabinfl Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 Oh yes. (My vent is ahead. I love and cherish my husband, and the very qualities that are so maddening are also some of his best points, so i really can't complain much overall.) My husband is a visionary & people manager. In his professional life, he has the grand ideas, and then he finds the people who are able to implement them, and then he motivates them to get it done... often while he has already moved on to the next project. If some never make it out of the gate, well, that's his business style: throw a bunch of ideas at the wall, see which ones stick. Unfortunately, at home i am the one to whom his grand ideas are delegated, whether or not they're realistic. My 20+ years of professional life was steeped in the opposite of his methods, projects were carefully considered before beginning, and once started were expected to be completed. You can see where this ends up -- he tosses off ideas, I hear them as achievable and desirable goals, and proceed to drive myself nutty trying to reach a pie in the sky dream. Meanwhile, since he is unused to being the implementor, the projects I think _need_ to be done often require the nagging, which I despise, to make anything happen (guess who is getting boy's latest Cub Scout thing onto his uniform last-minute before the meeting tonight after reminding husband for the past week+ :p ). The kids, of course, are not yet at a self-motivating age, so I'm trying to push their strings uphill at the same time with both schoolwork and chores all day every day AAAAAAAAAGH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbookbuzz Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 shanvan, I chuckled and nodded my head through your entire post. I can SO relate! And I also thought that YES, perhaps we DO need to just let our family members make their own choices ... and deal with the consequences. Let's stop running to "help" or "put out fires" when truthfully what the family member really needs to realize, the hard way, is that they should have done what you (or I or whomever) said in the first place. I think as moms we put too much of our self-worth and identity into how well our kids do, in anything. As hard as it is, let's make a promise to ourselves that once we've told the various family members what needs to be done and given them the proper instructions, the rest is on them. When they come running to us because they did not follow our instructions, we will not go running to their aid, interrupting ourselves again and again (unless it's a true emergency) and let them learn from their own mistakes. Will this be easy? No. But they need to LEARN so that something actually CHANGES and we don't subject ourselves to a Groundhog's Day-like life (that was a movie reference). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanvan Posted April 2, 2014 Author Share Posted April 2, 2014 Popping in to update ... I'm not pulling the rope today --well not the way I usually do. There are gonna be some changes here. I cannot just let everyone fail in some of the problem areas b/c I will also be paying the price. Dh is unemployed currently and he needs help sometimes with writing cover letters or thank you letters for interviews b/c I am a better writer. If I disregard his sudden need for editing and there is a deadline on the application then he doesn't get considered for a job. With Dc it's the not cleaning up that is getting to me most and lack of scheduling. I have great difficulty functioning in a house that is strewn with stuff. I can do okay for while, as long as everyone remembers to get to their stuff periodically--but they don't unless I remind them. SO..today I am keeping a detailed list of every single little thing I do and logging the time I spend doing it. And I mean detailed. I wrote down that I had to put away the bread that was left out. We will be having a family meeting and EVERYONE (Dh included) is going to read my list--or be forced to hear it. Every single item on the list. Then they are going to come up with a solution for how they are going to solve MY problem. I'm not going to be nasty about it, but we are going to have a discussion. I've had a very no-nonsense attitude today and everyone has been told what I will be doing and what I expect them to be doing (and nothing other than what I expect)--also when I will be available and when I will not be. Bad attitudes have been dealt with and things are going better. They are all being forced to see the consequences of their actions on me. We'll see what happens. I have a couple of other issues to deal with too, but I'm still thinking about them. Of course, I'm not exactly ordering Dh around, but he is going to need to plan ahead more and arrange his job searching activities for a time/place that does not interfere with schoolwork. He controlled the last two days and Dd could not practice piano at all b/c he wanted no noise. It really isn't possible to homes cool without noise, though I will say making sure everyone knew who was doing what where and when so far today has cut down on noise. That's all I have to report so far. I just informed Dh that I will not be going to a meeting tonight and it is up to him to decide if Ds is going to get there or not. Ds was a little upset and wanted to know why I wasn't going, so I gave him a long list of all the things I have to do that no one else can do. I don't think Dh had the nerve to say he wouldn't take him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 My husband often says, "we" but from experience I know that he thinks, "we" and with his good intentions means, "we" ... But he really is saying "you" We should clean the garage, we should it up new plastic on the windows, we should clean the backyard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 I'd like to just give up and let them all just do and be whatever they have decided. Yes. Yes. But with my kids I feel that would just come back to bite me later that I didn't prepare them well enough, even though they fought me the whole way. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with my difficult, negative kids. And I'm not sure it would make a difference since dh's parents prepared him just fine, he chose not to go along with a lot of it, and still carries those bad habits. His choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbookbuzz Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 Julie, have you ever watched any Kenn Kington videos or seen his comedy act in person? He talks about how in marriage what "we" really means. There is the we-we, me-we, or he/she-we. You can find clips on kennkington.com Very clean and very funny! Shanvan, you go, girl! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbookbuzz Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 We worked on a schedule revamp today. We'll see how it works. On the plus side, we all did get some housecleaning done! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted April 3, 2014 Share Posted April 3, 2014 Yes, I too have fallen down and I can't seem to get myself motivated anymore at home. I'm burnt out. I've been homeschooling since 1992. I detest the public schools in our area. Chores...meh. Power struggles. Absent adult children now coming back home temporarily. There are a lot of things going on here. I've been applying for jobs for over a year and had one interview. I'm working with a guy in employment classes and most of the time it really helps my knowledge for knowing what to do (resumes, using social media to find positions, where to look), but other than that...I help my dh (who is employed) with cover letters and revamping his resume, as well as doing the job search. I can't give up, I don't feel like I'm a total bum, I don't drag along, but does it ever end? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pod's mum Posted April 3, 2014 Share Posted April 3, 2014 Did you hear any screaming last night just after dark? There was a rusty burnt out go-cart frame dragged from a scrap pile into the middle of the path. It had been explicitly mentioned. Dd now has a bandaid between her bruised and bloodied bare toes. She told a neighbour why she was limping and instead of sympathy she got, "You are lucky it wasn't your mum that tripped." She agreed. We are currently NOT collecting tadpoles because I want a hand to tackle the kitchen. She has also been cooking, so the mess is shared. Unfortunately, going on the track record of her sister and mum, she probably won't learn. PS Tetnus jab up to date so no skipping school due to lockjaw. ETA: Kitchen is a mess and here I sit, unmotivated enough for this thread? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanvan Posted April 3, 2014 Author Share Posted April 3, 2014 Yes. Yes. But with my kids I feel that would just come back to bite me later that I didn't prepare them well enough, even though they fought me the whole way. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with my difficult, negative kids. And I'm not sure it would make a difference since dh's parents prepared him just fine, he chose not to go along with a lot of it, and still carries those bad habits. His choice. Say it isn't so. Dh's parents, hmm, I don't think they had Dh think beyond the next sports event growing up. I'm not so sure I can entirely blame them, some kind of ADD might play a role judging by what I see in Dd. I was thinking I could prevent Ds's wife from having to be 'THE BRAIN' of the home (AKA a superhero with special powers to solve all the problems in the household and do all the planning). We had another little example last night when Dh took Ds to his club meeting. Dh realized early in the morning that he was supposed to give an auditor's report. At 4pm (while we were driving to the library Ds said "I wonder if my father got his report ready?" I told him to call and find out. Ummm...no, he was still working on job searches (had been since early morning). I wonder if he would have done it at all if Ds hadn't called? We couldn't have our family discussion b/c Ds and Dh got home late. It is slated for tonight. I think I'll be logging my day again. Today I'm going to include every time I stop to answer a question and have to respond with "I think the answer to that is you know how to use google' or 'Please attempt to answer your own question before interrupting me while I am going over grammar with Dd.' (That was for Ds.) Or even, 'Please let your father use your spelling dictionary so he can look up words himself.' (After being interrupted repeatedly for how to spell questions.) Dd, otoh, had to be encouraged to stop and think for herself in reference to schoolwork instead of relying on me to answer a ton of questions (which she was perfectly capable of answering herself). Of course, that can get tricky b/c I want to help if they need it, but I don't want to encourage them to rely on me to do their thinking. Wow! I hadn't realized how much of a problem this has become! I've noticed if I don't answer the questions they do find the answer themselves and if I don't stop what I'm doing to search for whatever item they are looking for they will find it themselves, or figure out another way. Dh interrupted me yesterday to ask me where Dd's headphones are. They were on the desk where he was sitting! All he had to do was turn his head to the left! I asked him where he had already looked, since I could clearly see them from across the kitchen. I think I am entirely responsible for encouraging the idea that I can be used for any little problem that arises. Time to encourage a new way of thinking. Pod's mum, I did not hear the screaming. I must have been doing really well blocking everything out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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