What does your husband do?

[regentrude]

We are a pretty laid back family but if we have plans to do something or I ask him to come for a run with us he is on board. I think because conversation is so important to me and helps me feel connected it is hard when he could go days without talking

 

I understand that, being married to an introvert who sees the primary purpose of conversation in the actual exchange of information, not in connection and relationship.

Does your DH know that you feel this way? Have you spelled out explicitly that you need to talk with him, what it means for your emotional health and your relationship? Do not expect him to read your mind.

 

I do see two different aspects in your posts. How would him having a solitary hobby and doing something make you feel better? (I do not mean that in a snarky way; just something you might want t think about and explore).

If it is about feeling connected: you might need to take the initiative. When the kids were younger, we would spend an entire day on the weekend just being outside, either on a hike, or some outing, as a family. Now that the kids are older, we go for an hour long walk almost every night, which is a great time to talk and connect - even while walking silently side by side. But this need of mine is only fulfilled when I do something together with DH; him going off golfing on his own would not make a difference for our connection. Thus, I am not quite sure whether you don't have two separate issues here.

[TechWife]

My husband runs daily, but he doesn't consider it a hobby because he does it for his health. He considers cooking and reading to be his hobbies.

[redsquirrel]

He is kind of just not happy and not upset about it. He has things he would like to do I suppose but doesn't because he's afraid of spending the money. He use to have interests and hobbies but in the last couple years it's gotten so much worse to the point where he rarely speaks at all if he is at home. It's hurting our relationship

 

 

We are a pretty laid back family but if we have plans to do something or I ask him to come for a run with us he is on board. I think because conversation is so important to me and helps me feel connected it is hard when he could go days without talking

 

 

His comment is "I can read it for free online".

 

He hasn't been pleasant lately for the most part

 

 

That is not a lack of hobbies or interests. That sounds like he is depressed.

 

He needs to talk to someone. He is unhappy and there is help. It doesn't have to be like this.

[wintermom]

He is kind of just not happy and not upset about it. He has things he would like to do I suppose but doesn't because he's afraid of spending the money. He use to have interests and hobbies but in the last couple years it's gotten so much worse to the point where he rarely speaks at all if he is at home. It's hurting our relationship

 

I would definitely sit down and have a discussion with him to see how he perceives that he's doing. You are noticing patterns of behaviour in him that he may not really see.

 

Physical activity is great for producing natural endorphins that can make us feel better. As a wife, I'd be supportive of him getting more active, and if the cost is a factor perhaps work out a budget of how many times a month is realistic to play golf, for example.

 

A year and half ago, my dh and I were asked to join friends of our to play double tennis. Dh and I used to play a little recreational tennis before we got married, so it had been over 16 years since we played. It was the start of something wonderful for both of us! Tennis is quite inexpensive (depending on the club), we can play singles with each other and have "tennis dates," or play mixed doubles, or even in the club's social leagues where the players are all mixed randomly. It's been great having this activity to do together, or on our own, depending on our schedules.

 

Maybe you can find an activity to do together that you both enjoy. It might be golf, or hiking, walking the dog, or even something indoors like a 100 push-up challenge. Something you can do together or on your own. Sometimes that first step to get moving is the toughest, but once the momentum is going it's easier to keep moving.

 

All the best!

[Heather in Neverland]

Tennis, tennis, and more tennis!

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

That is not a lack of hobbies or interests. That sounds like he is depressed.

 

He needs to talk to someone. He is unhappy and there is help. It doesn't have to be like this.

 

 

:iagree:

 

You beat me.  I re-read the same snippets you quoted and yes, this is all describing textbook depression.  It can be hard to get the squishy 3-lb organ upstairs to agree to seek treatment, but it is a treatable organ.

 

I'll reiterate that letting a GP dash off a Prozac script is not the best route.  Old Doc Smith might be a swell guy, but he had one semester (maybe) of psychopharmacology twenty years ago.  A good psychiatrist will tailor and tinker with dosages and combinations to get the right fit over time.  Talk therapy can also take on a wide variety of formats, and it isn't necessarily all about your childhood.  That's mostly media myth, and it's definitely not helping.

[Parrothead]

Dh, in his off house, is a volunteer firefighter on two different departments.

[jillian]

I understand that, being married to an introvert who sees the primary purpose of conversation in the actual exchange of information, not in connection and relationship.

Does your DH know that you feel this way? Have you spelled out explicitly that you need to talk with him, what it means for your emotional health and your relationship? Do not expect him to read your mind.

 

I do see two different aspects in your posts. How would him having a solitary hobby and doing something make you feel better? (I do not mean that in a snarky way; just something you might want t think about and explore).

If it is about feeling connected: you might need to take the initiative. When the kids were younger, we would spend an entire day on the weekend just being outside, either on a hike, or some outing, as a family. Now that the kids are older, we go for an hour long walk almost every night, which is a great time to talk and connect - even while walking silently side by side. But this need of mine is only fulfilled when I do something together with DH; him going off golfing on his own would not make a difference for our connection. Thus, I am not quite sure whether you don't have two separate issues here.

 

I don't take it as snark :)

 

As to the first point: I have talked to him very explicitly that I do want him to talk and just talk to me. He asks me "what do you want to talk about?" My only response is I don't have anything in particular to talk about I just need to have a conversation, it's important, makes me feel you want to be with me.

 

If he had a hobby--any hobby, solitary or group--it would make me feel like he gives a damn about doing something he enjoys. It's difficult because I know he's introverted and for the most part I respect that. I have couple friends without him because he won't socialize and I've accepted that. He is prepping to get out of the navy in July and has no identity other than work. It is in some points the idea that I'm tired of him loafing around the house. In other ways it is about him having something to bring into the relationship.

 

When we were dating he had interests and hobbies, he would play video games (which I encouraged), he kind of played intramural sports, went to the movies, went to the gym and so on but when we first were married he was in and out to sea all the time. We had that honeymoon period every three-four months when he came back.

 

Now that he's on shore duty (since 2011) he has slowly grown more and more into this hermit type introvert. I'm not sure what's wrong but even getting him to go out to lunch with us is just WWIII. If we are out and I say let's get lunch he goes let's bring it home, like sitting in a restaurant for 30 minutes is going to kill him. Honestly for the longest time here people did not think I was married, they thought I made him up because they had never seen him.

 

He thinks counseling is a soft science (despite me being an LMFT intern) and doesn't see a point. We have been in counseling together at one point and he literally didn't talk at all in any of our sessions except to say he was "good" or things were "fine". Plus it's difficult because of his security clearance.

 

ETA: He can be playful and fun but it takes a lot.

[jillian]

thanks. that's really him, he doesn't have anything to talk about. We talk about kids and family and what we have to do. i try to talk to him about what i'm doing and interested in but he just shuts me down.

[redsquirrel]

I don't take it as snark :)

 

As to the first point: I have talked to him very explicitly that I do want him to talk and just talk to me. He asks me "what do you want to talk about?" My only response is I don't have anything in particular to talk about I just need to have a conversation, it's important, makes me feel you want to be with me.

 

If he had a hobby--any hobby, solitary or group--it would make me feel like he gives a damn about doing something he enjoys. It's difficult because I know he's introverted and for the most part I respect that. I have couple friends without him because he won't socialize and I've accepted that. He is prepping to get out of the navy in July and has no identity other than work. It is in some points the idea that I'm tired of him loafing around the house. In other ways it is about him having something to bring into the relationship.

 

When we were dating he had interests and hobbies, he would play video games (which I encouraged), he kind of played intramural sports, went to the movies, went to the gym and so on but when we first were married he was in and out to sea all the time. We had that honeymoon period every three-four months when he came back.

 

Now that he's on shore duty (since 2011) he has slowly grown more and more into this hermit type introvert. I'm not sure what's wrong but even getting him to go out to lunch with us is just WWIII. If we are out and I say let's get lunch he goes let's bring it home, like sitting in a restaurant for 30 minutes is going to kill him. Honestly for the longest time here people did not think I was married, they thought I made him up because they had never seen him.

 

He thinks counseling is a soft science (despite me being an LMFT intern) and doesn't see a point. We have been in counseling together at one point and he literally didn't talk at all in any of our sessions except to say he was "good" or things were "fine". Plus it's difficult because of his security clearance.

 

ETA: He can be playful and fun but it takes a lot.

First of all, the navy should have people he can talk to even with his security clearance. Especially with his security clearance. He isn't the first and he isn't the last.

 

And the fact that he is getting ready to leave the navy does not bode well for this clearing up on its own. I grew up in a military town. My high school years were full of 'dads in bathrobes'. Those were men who were now 'retired' from their military job, but who didn't know what to do next. They were living on their pensions and their wife's income, but they spent the day on the couch. Many of my high school friends had a 'dad in a bathrobe'. Now I know they were depressed because they didn't know how to handle the transition from military to civilian life. They had no idea who they were without being in the Air Force. But back then I just thought they were a little weird. My BIL recently left the Air Force and I know that there would have been some help for him if he had needed it.

 

The things you are describing are not typical behaviour. I just want to give you some support on that. It doesn't feel right because it isn't right.

 

And people thinking you were not married is also a worrying thing. I have a friend like that. In fact, some people who didn't know her as well as I do actually tried to set her up on a date with a man because they thought she was a single mom. It was funny at the time. It's not funny now because she isn't married any more. He left her. I sort of wish we had all seen that as the danger sign it was.

 

[jillian]

Thanks guys. I know there is some depression there, trust me I know it--he meets the clinical criteria at least from the DSM-IV, I've not checked the DSM-5--but he won't go and talk to anyone. The problem is that when we try and talka bout it he gets all "martyr" like and gets all "I'm a terrible person and a terrible father" and all that.

[jennynd]

Photograph and editing his picture

[Element]

My dh is a workaholic so he doesn't have a lot of free time. If he had more free time, and he wasn't spending it "cleaning out the garage," (I don't know what that phrase means. The garage never seems to get any cleaner, despite many hours of his "cleaning" ;) ) he would probably spend it Frisbee golfing. I don't know if that's a local thing or not: We have a huge Frisbee golf course here in town but I'm not sure how common that is. It's free (though the discs can be kind of expensive) and you can do it alone or with friends.

[MBM]

I also think your husband might be a bit depressed.

 

My husband participates in many activities. Most were started at different times during his adult life. His favorite activity by far is biking. He belongs to a serious club that bikes year round and does charity work in Chicago. Other activities: golfing, kayaking, wind surfing, sup boarding, swimming, surfing, hiking, running, atv-ing, snowmobiling, skiing (x-c and downhill), racquetball, tennis, weightlifting, camping … almost everything except rock climbing. He has even sand boarded. He does a lot of these with our kids and/or me. Tomorrow, he and our youngest are going downhill skiing. Later, they plan to spend a few days together going snowmobiling up in Wisconsin. Before schools starts, we all plan to go x-country skiing and do some night time snow shoeing. My husband is the kind of person who cannot sit still.

 

He also likes to do tai chi and meditation and will even try meditation *retreats* just to see what it's like. He does a lot of renovation at home with me, too. He also reads history, Latin and child-rearing books pretty much daily and regularly works on investing.

 

He is not so good at dancing, cooking, and singing but he'll attempt them every now and then.

 

 

[trulycrabby]

Hello, if your DH thinks counseling, psychology is a "soft science," then perhaps you could recommend he see a psychiatrist, who is a medical doctor who specializes in behavior and the brain. If he doesn't want to see a psychiatrist, perhaps consider taking him to his general practitioner M.D., who could either recommend a psychiatrist and/or get him started on some medication that might help.

 

If his "couchitis" is seasonal, meaning he hibernates in the winter, then you might consider Seasonal Affective Disorder. Again, a doctor and light therapy can help.

[sbgrace]

My husband is an introvert. He runs/works out, reads lots of archaic books I have no interest in reading, and writes. Notice all those are solitary things, at least his way of doing them is solitary!

 

Might your husband be depressed? It looks different in men, though losing interest in things is a sign for either gender.

 

If he's depressed, he needs treatment clearly.

 

If that's not it, he's introverted and a home-body type. I don't think you can change that base personality thing, but also don't think you need to. If he's happy puttering around the house, great. I don't think this affects you. I'm gathering the real thing is nothing to share together.

 

You can work on ideas for spending some time together that would be enjoyable for both of you. You may need to clearly lay out why you need that shared time. If he's extremely introverted, he probably doesn't need much.

 

My husband needs/enjoys a lot of alone time. So it does have to be deliberate here. We have different interests, but I've always liked talking to him. He just has his conversation topics and I have mine. We both listen and talk, though I share more than he does. Prior to kids we used to enjoy traveling together, but it's not doable now. We watch an Amazon prime video together most week-ends. Generally for us though it's always been talking. That's what drew me to him before we started dating too. I think a lot of couples do better sharing an actual activity together, though.Think about what you did when dating/falling in love.

[Shellydon]

Nothing.  He has no hobbies and only leaves the house for work.  When he is at home, he does home repair, home upkeep projects and yard work.

[Ripley]

My ex-husband shoots (guns). He does the same as another poster's husband - he reloads and makes his own bullets, to save money and because he finds it fun. He has his little workbench and a radio, and he does whatever he does to make bullets. He also takes his Jeep out and drives over rocks. LOL He doesn't like people, or being around people, so his hobbies tend to be isolated ones! He's also cheap, and these hobbies don't cost much (and what they do cost, tends to be cost-saving overall).

 

Since he likes sitting in front of the tv, relaxing, alone, - what about ham radio or scanners? Just listening in on what's going on, and giving him stuff to share and discuss with you? Photography or drawing? Furniture re-finishing? He can watch tv, paint or stain old furniture, and re-sell. Then his hobby is MAKING money! LOL What are his talents, how can you turn those into a hobby? It might be that you need to gift him the major (expensive) part so he can move (mentally) beyond the spending money part.

 

I do understand your predicament, having been there myself. But I echo the sentiments of others that it's a fine line between having a spouse meet our need and expecting them to solely fulfill those needs. My solution was to find an outlet of equally conversation-starved people (I play soccer and volunteer in my kids' activities) and to lessen my expectation of my husband. Weirdly enough, once he no longer felt the pressure he opened up more. We never got to the point where I had to tell him to shut up, my ears hurt, but I no longer had to drag any words out of him. It was a good middle ground for both of us. I got my conversational needs filled elsewhere and topped off at home. He got to be who he was, which is near-mute. LOL

 

Now that we're divorced he's calling me several times a day to talk about stuff. Not that I recommend that for everyone ;) but I really do think that he amplified the pressure he was feeling from me  ... and once that was gone, his tongue found it's desire to move! Maybe your DH is magnifying your unhappiness with the situation, and is feeling stuck. Too stuck to move beyond it, the same way he can't move beyond the spending money on a hobby thing?

 

[LaxMom]

Gently - It sounds like the issue isn't his activities, but yours. Some people just don't want a whole lot of hobbies outside of the house. Why don't you join a club that meets during his off hours so that you can get the social interaction that you are craving.

 

It never works to force a hobby on someone else.

Totally. I am your husband. When I was losing my mind with being "on" for three little kids all day, my husband started suggesting I go on outings and find people to visit with. The thought of that sort of thing made me want to cry.

 

I just wanted quiet. Not somewhere to go. Not something to do. Just space to have a full, uninterrupted thought. I wasn't depressed, just strung out and exhausted from the constant input.

 

If this is the way your husband naturally is - not a change of affect, which might certainly signal depression - give him space and find a social outlet for you.

[Piper]

My dh used to mountain-bike.  As an introvert, he loved it.  It's something you can do alone, or with others if you want, and you can totally geek out on the equipment if you want to.  Not really cheap, though!

He can't ride any more, and there's nothing that's really been able to take its place for him.  I took him out to a trial fencing class (that's with swords, not posts and wire!) for his birthday, and we both really loved it, but I haven't been able to persuade him to continue on with it.  My next effort will be directed towards trout fishing, which is also appealing to an introverted nature, I think.  Any options like that where you live?

[kbutton]

I think PP gave some great advice on what to do about a variety of possibilities.

 

One thing that sticks out to me...I've been reading about Asperger's because my son has it. Is there any chance your husband has Asperger's? It's not unusual for people to find out late in life. Most folks with Asperger's have hobbies, obsessions, etc., but it's also not unusual for them to get "stuck." Maybe your husband is a bit stuck (as someone else suggested). They also are very routine-oriented and don't take change well. They have a hard time showing interest in others sometimes (often this is how they come across vs. an actual lack of interest, but it can be either way). They can be easily overwhelmed (can be a sensory thing).

[sbgrace]

I hadn't read the posts before mine.

He's depressed and won't see a doctor for treatment, correct? Or does he not think he's depressed?
Would he be willing to do a 3 month trial of medication just to see if it helps? For you would he?

 

Wellbutrin doesn't have the side effects others can have. I'll throw out another option in case he just won't see a doctor.  Inositol powder available without a prescription can just as effectively treat depression without side effects. It's a pain to dose though as it's 3 x's a day mixed in a drink. For my husband though, he was willing to try this but not willing to see a doctor. It made a huge difference. I remember him telling me that he feels like himself again and he had forgotten what that was even like. Like SSRI's, the effect isn't immediate. Usually effect will be kicking in at 4 to 6 weeks. The dosage for depression is 12 grams split into 3 doses. You work up to the full dose to minimize GI adjustment. No side effects outside of that initial, temporary GI/loose stools if you move too fast. My husband takes it in the morning before work, puts his lunch dose in a water bottle (it mixes clear/isn't at all obvious), and takes the final one just before bed. This is a b vitamin, and in published studies for safety and effectiveness.

 

My husband has been on Inositol for 8 months now, and it continues to effectively treat. My husband's depression, which went on a long time without either of us realizing what it was, severely affected our marriage. It's what it was before now, and I'm incredibly thankful.

 

Treatment of some sort will probably help a lot if he'll do it. He may not realize how depressed he is/how it is affecting him.

[Crimson Wife]

If he's military and worried that seeing a mental health professional might hurt his career, he can see a chaplain for counseling and that will be kept confidential.

 

St. John's Wort is a natural treatment available OTC that has been shown to be effective in treating mild depression.

 

In terms of the original question, my husband writes science fiction and is the vice president of the local branch of the California Writers' Club. Mostly he writes short stories but he did use NaNoWriMo to turn one of his short stories into a full-length novel.

[mhaddon]

My husband works a lot too, but when he isn't working for his job he is working around the farm. So I guess for fun he takes care of all our animals, builds fence, cuts hay, cuts firewood...  His most looked foreward to activity each year is maple syrup, he's already counting down the days, lol.  He loves to hunt and fish and just walk around outside. He isn't much of a reader or TV watcher. He is great about taking all 4 kids with him too, so that is nice! Usually one night a weekend we get a babysitter and go hang out with all our friends and just talk and shoot pool. It's nice to get adult time :)

[Audrey]

My husband likes to fix things.  Doesn't really matter what it is.  If he doesn't know how to fix it, he teaches himself how.  I encourage this hobby of his because there is always something that needs to be fixed.  It isn't always a cheap hobby, though.  I told him this fall that I thought the coat closet by the dining room needed some work and he rebuilt the whole thing.  Then, he decided that the flooring in there couldn't be patched and since it needed to match the dining room that it, too, needed new floor.  Which led to new baseboard.  Which led to painting and I figured "what the heck!" Et voilà!  New dining room chairs and bookcase. 

 

Still... It's a pretty handy hobby.

[jillian]

I think PP gave some great advice on what to do about a variety of possibilities.

 

One thing that sticks out to me...I've been reading about Asperger's because my son has it. Is there any chance your husband has Asperger's? It's not unusual for people to find out late in life. Most folks with Asperger's have hobbies, obsessions, etc., but it's also not unusual for them to get "stuck." Maybe your husband is a bit stuck (as someone else suggested). They also are very routine-oriented and don't take change well. They have a hard time showing interest in others sometimes (often this is how they come across vs. an actual lack of interest, but it can be either way). They can be easily overwhelmed (can be a sensory thing).

 

I have thought this.

 

Thank you so much for all the advice everyone. I am reading and internalizing. He has a VERY hard time in crowds. He didn't used to but has as he has gotten older. He doesn't believe he is depressed. I have told him that he "doesn't seem happy" and he responds with "of course not" but doesn't elaborate. He doesn't want to try new movies or tv shows and really just wants us to leave him be and let him be alone. I have hobbies and friends and I don't expet him to be like me but I feel like I just talk at him about stuff.

[jillian]

We do something similar to the "love bank" but it's the Love Languages methodology. Thank you everyone thank you so so much.

[kbutton]

I have thought this.

 

 

 

I hope you are able to find a way to relate that is smoother and more fulfilling for both of you, regardless of the possible reasons behind his preferences.