Is being a SAHM hard work?

[swellmomma]

I would love a house new enough that nothing breaks. :)!  Ours is 30 years old.  The upside is that it is paid for.

 

I hear you.  Mine is not paid off but it is 83 years old there is always more repairs to be done, whether due to the age or due to the boy there is always more.

[Jenny in Florida]

*shrug* Whatev. Didn't know an unpopular opinion could be wrong. 

 

Well, of course an opinion, whether popular or un, can be wrong.

 

I can be of the opinion that the sky is red. If, objectively, it is obviously blue, then my opinion is wrong.

 

In this case, however, the only thing "wrong" is that certain folks are determined to prove that their experience is or should be universal and that anything else is an anomaly. I do think that failing to recognize that there is a huge variety of experience out there, and that there is no one absolute "truth" in answer to this question is wrong.

 

In my situation, given my children and my husband and my financial situation and my life circumstances, yes, being a SAHM is challenging. It doesn't mean I'm doing it wrong. It doesn't mean I hate it or resent it or would change anything about it (except that if I could push a button and have more energy, that would be really nice). It just means I acknowledge that it is work for me to do this whole "mom" thing reasonably well. I'm tired at the end of every day, and even working as hard as I can, I often make mistakes and/or fall short of my goals. So, yeah, it's a challenge.

 

In your situation, with your children and your husband and your financial situation and life circumstances, you find being a SAHM easy. I believe you. I don't feel the need to tell you you're doing it wrong or being dishonest. I don't even envy you. I'm pretty sure the only way I could find being a mom easy is if my life were boring, and I have a very low tolerance for boredom.

 

What I find frustrating about this conversation is the absolute refusal of some participants to accept that there can be other points of view without presuming that the others are somehow wrong.

[Stellalarella]

I am a stay at home mom who is homeschooling six kids from K to 9th grade.  Last week my husband's very elderly parents permanently moved in with us.  They are kind people who brought happy spirits with them...but require memory care, pharmacy care, meal care, hygiene and bathing help, laundry help and doctor escorting.  

 

It is not hard, not hard at all.  It is not hard, not hard at all.  It is not hard, not hard at all.  (Repeat 50 times int he mirror each morning.)  It is not hard,.  Not hard at all.  It is not hard, not hard at all.  It is not hard, not hard at all...........

 

 

[SKL]

I still don't see where anyone ever insisted that everyone's life is the same as theirs and no SAHM works hard.  I've seen a lot of the opposite from everyone on all sides.  Still can't figure out why anyone got offended.

 

It goes without saying that anything can be hard in some circumstances.

 

And I also didn't notice anyone saying that they lie around doing nothing all day.  There is a big difference between taking a break at the end of the day and lazing around all day.

 

As for "my husband would not allow that," that sort of talk spooks me out.  I'm not married, but I can just picture my mom hearing my dad say that.  Ha!  I do realize that some spouses are that intimidating, controlling, etc., but I hope most are not.

 

Some commenters almost sound like there is something morally wrong with someone who would take a break during their busy day.  I'll just agree to disagree with that.

 

When my kids were little, sometimes the only break I could get was by putting the kids to bed early.  Like I said, I didn't get a lot of breaks as a single mom, but when I really needed one, I would make it happen.  It might be just an extra long bathroom break with a book.  Or just sitting at my computer, looking through old photos.  Or sitting silently in my woodsy backyard for 5-10 minutes.  Today it felt leisurely to cut my nails.  Whatever, it doesn't matter - it's the mental exercise of pulling back that matters for me.

[KungFuPanda]

I am a stay at home mom who is homeschooling six kids from K to 9th grade. Last week my husband's very elderly parents permanently moved in with us. They are kind people who brought happy spirits with them...but require memory care, pharmacy care, meal care, hygiene and bathing help, laundry help and doctor escorting.

 

It is not hard, not hard at all. It is not hard, not hard at all. It is not hard, not hard at all. (Repeat 50 times int he mirror each morning.) It is not hard,. Not hard at all. It is not hard, not hard at all. It is not hard, not hard at all...........

Just the thought of all that makes me feel tired enough to cry. HOW do you pull it off? My life's not sedentary. I have a teen daughter, a teen son in a wheelchair, and I'm a dancer, but I get fairly predictable breaks. Do you EVER get time to yourself?

[Renee in NC]

I managed a company in 3 midwest states including frequent travel. DS always went with me. I did it all but I kept normal business hours except one weekend every other month. I found that prioritizing my time and minimizing online distractions to be the key to keeping everything under control. Often I was done early enough to miss rush hour. :D

 

Haha...my coworkers joke that I come to work to catch a break.   It is definitely quieter, and less demanding.

 

I am an accountant working on corporate finance.  It is not work, and it requires little to no effort.  That isn't a good thing, trust me!  (As soon as the state gives me my license number, I'll be looking for another job.)

 

BUT, my life would be easier if I were a SAHM again, especially now that they are all in school.  I would take them to school, go to the gym, do some volunteer work, clean my house, grocery shop, etc.

 

When I was a homeschooling mother to 7 with 5 of those being 7 and under?  That was HARD!

[Murphy101]

(except that if I could push a button and have more energy, that would be really nice).

Whispers secret in your ear...

 

The coffee maker has that button.:)

[Stellalarella]

Just the thought of all that makes me feel tired enough to cry. HOW do you pull it off? My life's not sedentary. I have a teen daughter, a teen son in a wheelchair, and I'm a dancer, but I get fairly predictable breaks. Do you EVER get time to yourself?

 

I still new to the joint using/elder care routine.  I am sure that we will reach equilibrium and I am sure that I will become a better planner.  But this week feels overwhelming.  

 

Apparently, I am using my free time to get on WTM and read incendiary threads about whether or not staying at home is work.  Methinks I should probably go do yoga.  or deep breathing, right?  :)

 

KungFuPanda--with your life experience you certainly know that we all have different loads to bear.  I think the kindest thing we can do for people is to encourage them as they tackle their lives' work and to help out when the burden gets too big to bear in the moment.  I bet you also know that initially big life changes are overwhelming, but people can get stronger.    Kind thoughts to you.  :)  and a hug.  :)  :)  

 

When folks on this forum share how they've have adapted to the work of life, I feel encouraged.  

[Spryte]

 

 

Apparently, I am using my free time to get on WTM and read incendiary threads about whether or not staying at home is work.  Methinks I should probably go do yoga.  or deep breathing, right?   :)

 

 

 

:lol: Guilty here, too.  

 

Hoping you adjust smoothly and quickly, and find your new normal soon.

[Guest]

I think this is a key point.

 

By nature, I am not a relaxed person.  I'm a Type A with perfectionist/idealist tendencies.  I'm working on becoming more relaxed, because I know that will reduce a lot of the stress I bring on myself with my impossible ideals and standards. By becoming more relaxed, I can spend more time enjoying and less time stressing about everything.  

 

This definitely factors into my perception of SAHM-hood. 

 

I identify. I am in the OCD direction, but things have changed a lot for me. I have noticed that there is a direct correlation to how out-of-control my life feels and how irrational my anxiety becomes.  If I'm enjoying a relatively calm life, without a lot of craziness going on, I can overlook all the snow clothes lying in the entryway for a few days. 

 

Our home is only 1000 sq. ft. and is only six years old. There are no home repairs needed at this moment. I can seriously clean the entire home in three hours. That's if I need to do everything at once. I usually spend one hour a day cleaning because there just isn't that much to do. Laundry only needs to be done twice a week. We have no patio, no chimney, nothing to put together for the house (because, again, it is tiny and there is no room for anything else). Automobile tasks take no time at all and if it's more than changing a bulb we take it to a local garage.

 

I have never assumed it is easy for everyone and I know I have it good. I was genuinely surprised at how many said they have so little time to themselves, though. The SAHMs I know do not have others doing their work for them either, but they have easy days here and there.

 

Also, I love it when my dh sits around and does nothing on the weekends. He is busy during the week with work and I love just hanging out without constantly thinking about the next thing that needs to get done. I think there is definitely something to personalities coming into play regarding how relaxed and easy one might find their life.

:iagree:  Our house is big, but I would say the same. I do the main cleaning on the weekends, and the kids get job lists. I'll spend about 3 hours if I'm trying to cover everything. 

 

I see no virtue in being so busy that a person can't just sit and relax sometimes. Busy is not a virtue. And just relaxing/enjoying life is not lazy.

:iagree: 

[Guest]

I still don't see where anyone ever insisted that everyone's life is the same as theirs and no SAHM works hard.  I've seen a lot of the opposite from everyone on all sides.  Still can't figure out why anyone got offended.

 

It goes without saying that anything can be hard in some circumstances.

 

And I also didn't notice anyone saying that they lie around doing nothing all day.  There is a big difference between taking a break at the end of the day and lazing around all day.

 

As for "my husband would not allow that," that sort of talk spooks me out.  I'm not married, but I can just picture my mom hearing my dad say that.  Ha!  I do realize that some spouses are that intimidating, controlling, etc., but I hope most are not.

 

Some commenters almost sound like there is something morally wrong with someone who would take a break during their busy day.  I'll just agree to disagree with that.

 

When my kids were little, sometimes the only break I could get was by putting the kids to bed early.  Like I said, I didn't get a lot of breaks as a single mom, but when I really needed one, I would make it happen.  It might be just an extra long bathroom break with a book.  Or just sitting at my computer, looking through old photos.  Or sitting silently in my woodsy backyard for 5-10 minutes.  Today it felt leisurely to cut my nails.  Whatever, it doesn't matter - it's the mental exercise of pulling back that matters for me.

 

:iagree: I am married and would want nothing to do with marrying someone who would say such a thing. I've heard so many examples that are nearly the opposite of that IRL.  One time, when my BIL was planning to go on a 2-week hunting trip, leaving SIL at home with an infant and toddler, she said, "Well, that's okay. He is going to owe me soooo big-time! I might get a cruise out of this!"  :laugh:  It may be that this type of parenting equality is more common in my region, or possibly my economic strata. I don't know. All I know is I have only heard a "husband is no help" type of objection from one of my closer friends when we were planning to go out for dinner with other mothers. (They are now divorced, BTW!) Most women with whom I'm close enough to know about their family structure do get breaks from their kids commonly and it isn't even rare for them to go on a small vacation without the kids or dh. 

[Erin]

Ya know, if I'd worked a job where I got to just show up, do it and go home, it might have been different.  But teaching isn't that kind of job.  

So not only did I have to come home from work and do all the same child-care/housework stuff that I did when I was home full time, but I usually had school work to do also.  And, because I was gone for 9 hours, I then had less time to do it in!

 

For me, being home is MUCH less stress than working was.

[Murphy101]

Ugh. That's a whole other thread topic really.

 

Women who say things like:

 

I can't talk to him, he'll get angry/mad.

 

My husband won't allow that.

 

My husband won't help with the kids.

 

I can't leave the kids with my husband.

 

It all makes me waver between really worried for them and really pissed at them. Because either their husband is an ogre ass or they are full of crap and being a martyr of a cause they created out of fiction.

 

Damned if I'd have had kid #2, much less #10, with a man that won't handle changing diapers and general parenting requirements just because he either has a penis or a paycheck. Oh heeeell no.

 

As for getting angry. Well sure. You live with someone long enough tempers are gonna flare. Heck, I've lost my temper with my kids too. But no one has ever EVER felt scared about having an argument in this house. Never. Sure we don't go looking to tick each other off, but by no means are we scared of it. So he gets angry. So what? We'll hash it out and move on.

 

Now I've said things and so have my husband along the lines of, "I wouldn't allow that." Or "I wouldn't tolerate that."

 

For example, if I really sucked at schooling the kids or the house looked like a homeless dumpster. Dh might or might not get pretty ticked off. We've actually discussed that bc of some extended family that does live that way. Dh said point blank he would insist I seek mental health care or he'd leave with the kids. He'd go into debt paying for maid service if he had to if that's what I needed and he couldn't do it. (Last time we had the convo, dh was traveling 80%+ of the year. So the question was what would he do if I couldn't for some reason do basic house maintence.)

 

Iow, for us, "I wouldn't allow that" means it's really freaking serious crap and we'd take steps to fix the problem pronto. That's not a phrase we use for things like dh wanting to go watch a ballgame with buddies or me going out with friends. When I hear a woman say, "oh my dh wouldn't allow me to take a once a week knitting class. He would get sooo mad." (Actual convo a few weeks ago.) I'm just sitting there on the other side of the kitchen table thinking, "wth does THAT even mean?!" *confused*

[Guest]

Martha, I wish I could "like" that more than once. I *REALLY* like it! 

[Soror]

 

For example, if I really sucked at schooling the kids or the house looked like a homeless dumpster. Dh might or might not get pretty ticked off. We've actually discussed that bc of some extended family that does live that way. Dh said point blank he would insist I seek mental health care or he'd leave with the kids. He'd go into debt paying for maid service if he had to if that's what I needed and he couldn't do it. (Last time we had the convo, dh was traveling 80%+ of the year. So the question was what would he do if I couldn't for some reason do basic house maintence.)

 

Iow, for us, "I wouldn't allow that" means it's really freaking serious crap and we'd take steps to fix the problem pronto. That's not a phrase we use for things like dh wanting to go watch a ballgame with buddies or me going out with friends. When I hear a woman say, "oh my dh wouldn't allow me to take a once a week knitting class. He would get sooo mad." (Actual convo a few weeks ago.) I'm just sitting there on the other side of the kitchen table thinking, "wth does THAT even mean?!" *confused*

It is not language we use here either, although I know it is certainly true for some I know and it does sadden me. When dh has seen me struggling he steps in to help.  

[Wheres Toto]

I agree.  Like I said, I've never had a problem with getting time off and regular breaks.  I know I can leave the kids with dh if there's something I'd like to do.

 

I guess I should say the same happens in return.  I "let" dh go down to South Jersey for an informal reunion a few months ago.  Friends he hadn't seen in a while - coming from far away - were going to be there.  He went down for a few days and stayed with his parents, while I stayed home with the kids.  I "let" dh go out fishing on his boat when we go camping (or at least I used to when the boat worked). 

 

Although we're both adults and it's not really a permission thing.  It's a "not being a b***** and making him miserable for wanting to spend a few days without me" thing.

[Shellydon]

 

Now I've said things and so have my husband along the lines of, "I wouldn't allow that." Or "I wouldn't tolerate that."

 

For example, if I really sucked at schooling the kids or the house looked like a homeless dumpster. Dh might or might not get pretty ticked off. We've actually discussed that bc of some extended family that does live that way. Dh said point blank he would insist I seek mental health care or he'd leave with the kids. He'd go into debt paying for maid service if he had to if that's what I needed and he couldn't do it. (Last time we had the convo, dh was traveling 80%+ of the year. So the question was what would he do if I couldn't for some reason do basic house maintence.)

 

Iow, for us, "I wouldn't allow that" means it's really freaking serious crap and we'd take steps to fix the problem pronto. That's not a phrase we use for things like dh wanting to go watch a ballgame with buddies or me going out with friends. When I hear a woman say, "oh my dh wouldn't allow me to take a once a week knitting class. He would get sooo mad." (Actual convo a few weeks ago.) I'm just sitting there on the other side of the kitchen table thinking, "wth does THAT even mean?!" *confused*

 

Agreeing.  My DH would not put up with a wife that sat around and did very little while he worked like a dog all day.  And I wouldn't put up with a man that drank beer and watched football every evening and all weekend long.  We all have different tolerances.

[LucyStoner]

I echo what Audrey said. To me my relationships and home require effort. Not all effort is work. Some effort is more important than work.

 

Also, a lot of posts seem to conflate housework with mothering. Parenting is stimulating and challenging in ways that housework is not. Being a parent is not inextricably tied to being a cleaning and cooking person. I both clean and cook quite a bit but I don't think those activities define me as a mother. At all. Not even a little bit. Not even every other Tuesday that falls on a full moon.

 

I would say that being a full time homeschooling mom to a special needs child and keeping house is both important and meaningful. There are challenges and difficulties. My contribution to our family is real, important and adds value to all of our lives but I don't think about if it is harder or easier than other people's day to day realities. It is what it is. To do something else would be an opportunity cost I can't justify paying at this point in time. When I worked out of the home full-time (which I did until my 10 year old was almost 9), my life wasn't more or less work or effort but it was a lot less happy for all of us in many ways.