Helping the disorganised child

[Laura Corin]

Hobbes (13) has always been disorganised, but it's starting to have more of an impact as he gets older.  It's hard for him to keep track of books, bags, homework, clothes, phone, clothes, sheet music, keys, clothes - did I mention clothes?  The school has been rather sympathetic until now - they expect children to be dippy up to a certain age.  But we've reached that age and expectations are getting more marked: he was given a detention last week (had to stay in class at lunchtime) for forgetting his biology homework three times.  He also talks when he shouldn't in class and misses instructions.

 

This is what it looks like: I am picking him up from scouts.  He comes out with empty hands but is interacting with other children, watching what people do, enjoying the busyness of the atmosphere.  The other children are holding leaflets.  I suggest he might want to pick up a leaflet.  He goes back to get one and makes for the door.  He is still watching the other children, calling out to friends.  The other children collect their coats.  He reaches the door.  I suggest he get his coat.  He goes to pick up his coat, puts the leaflet down on the bench, comes back with coat but no leaflet.....

 

Things we have done:

 

- followed logical consequences - he doesn't pick up the leaflet so he doesn't attend the activity.  He is sorry to miss the activity, but it doesn't help him to remember the leaflet the next time.

 

- helped him to establish organised habits - particular places for keeping things, homework diaries, routines, etc.  Nothing lasts beyond the next interesting distraction, mostly the joy of people.

 

- made him responsible for his things - he now pays for anything he loses (he just lost a coat that will cost him the equivalent of two months of pocket money).  He pays up but it doesn't seem to make a difference to his ability to keep track of things.

 

He is not defiant about his behaviour and he often feels bad about the messes he gets himself into.  He wishes that he could get better grades - he is quite bright enough, but he just can't keep track of homework, papers, tasks.  Whilst he was home educated (he went to school three years ago) I trained him constantly but to no avail.  Now I have no way of helping him to keep track of things during the day - he just forgets whatever systems we try to use.

 

I have accepted that he just is dippy.  But he feels bad about his disorganisation and I wish I could help him to achieve what he knows he is intellectually able to do.  He is otherwise a charming, happy, chatty boy.  

 

Any ideas?

 

L

[Laurie4b]

Try books about organization geared to people with ADHD. Those behaviors you listed are characteristic of the types of disorganization problems that plague people with ADHD, so whether he has it or  not (have you ever considered that?) the types of things that work for folks with ADHD might be more likely to work with your son than the types of organizational strategies typically recommended for most people.

[AK_Mom4]

Here are things that have worked here for organization:

 

Clothes - instead of sorting by type, store the clothes as outfits.  School clothes/uniform all together in one spot.  Sports uni and gear all in one basket.  Store clothes in see-thru baskets or on hangers instead of hidden in drawers.  DD19 hangs up EVERYTHING in outfits.  Only underwear and socks go in a drawer.

 

Schoolwork - if it can't be seen, it can't be found.  We stored ALL homework that had to be turned in to teachers in a single bright red folder.  The folder went into the backpack in the morning with the lunch packed by DH.  When it came time to turn in the papers, there was only one place to look.

[bolt.]

Consider asking him if his hands feel empty, if his arms feel chilly, if his shoulders feel light: almost like a checklist, but more body oriented. Maybe also, "Do you feel on yourself all the things you see on the other kids?"

 

This is a "half-transfer" of responsibility. You remind him that something 'might' be missing, but he takes up the task of thinking the situation through to see what is missing. Be sure to ask, even if things are not missing.

 

Be as repetitive as possible, even to the point of teaching him to ask himself those things at the same moment; such us a particular sidewalk square, or when he touches the car door or something.

[Alessandra]

Laura 

 

I wrote a l o n g post -- too long -- and decided to pm you instead.

 

 

[OrganicAnn]

So it sounds like you are saying that his attention is on the other kids and so is forgetting basic things.    If there were no other kids there, would he be more focused and remember his coat/leaflet?

 

The homework.   Did he forget because he left it at home or did he lose it at school?   Does he have a routine to put homework in his backpack (satchel) at night?  

[workingmom]

We had Mrs. Skylar present on executive functioning in kids at a district gifted parents meeting it was very informative and helps understand how brains develop especially in this skill set.

 

http://executivefunctioningsuccess.com/about/

[Farrar]

I think it's all about creating compensatory strategies. I heard a talk about this once and the speaker talked about how every time he goes through a doorway, he checks to make sure he has his keys. So you work on developing things like that. When I wanted ds not to lose track of the things he needed the other day when he was on his own in the museum, I had him count to three and check for those things every time he stood up. So I think you work on little rituals like that instead of just directly doing reminders.

[Miss Mousie]

Laura 

 

I wrote a l o n g post -- too long -- and decided to pm you instead.

 

 

:crying:   But the longest posts often have the best information!

 

My DS sounds much like Laura's, so I have been following this thread, hoping for gems...

[AlmiraGulch]

We had Mrs. Skylar present on executive functioning in kids at a district gifted parents meeting it was very informative and helps understand how brains develop especially in this skill set.

 

http://executivefunctioningsuccess.com/about/

 

I need this!  Thanks for posting!

 

My gifted DD10 is very disorganized.  I was the same way as a child.  In fact, the teacher in her gifted program at school said basically the entire class is the same way.  This is interesting information.  Thank you!

[Lady Florida.]

Try books about organization geared to people with ADHD. Those behaviors you listed are characteristic of the types of disorganization problems that plague people with ADHD, so whether he has it or  not (have you ever considered that?) the types of things that work for folks with ADHD might be more likely to work with your son than the types of organizational strategies typically recommended for most people.

I agree. It sounds very much like what my son deals with. If it really is ADHD, sorry to say but those natural consequences won't work (as you have seen in some previous incidents). Even if he doesn't have it or you don't want to have him diagnosed, I'd suggest finding books that teach strategies to people with ADHD.

[EKS]

My younger son is like this.  For schoolwork organization we devised a system that was as simple as I could make it.

 

He has a folder where all papers go.  Anything handed to him by a teacher and all work done at home.  Then every so often, we transfer the papers in the folder to his one three ring binder for all classes.

 

For notes and work done in class, he has a spiral notebook with perforated pages.  Everything is written down in there and he has been forcefully instructed to use the *next* blank page and *not* random pages in the middle.  As with the folder, every so often we go through and put these papers in his three ring binder (there aren't that many because generally he refuses to take notes).

 

[MysteryJen]

We have this problem with dd2. She is dyslexic, and has some executive function issues. I found that natural consequences don't really help her as much as make her anxious and then more likely to forget something.

 

It is a work in progress and I had to learn that my system imposed on her was not going to work. Our brains are not the same. She had to figure things out for herself. Some of the things we/she have done that work.

For swimming: she hangs her suits in the same place in the laundry room, the basket of towels are right by the suits, and the gear bag is right by the door. She has a mental checklist in the car: suit, goggles, gear bag, water bottle, snacks. Reverse in the car on pick up. It has taken about a year, but she is very good about it now. She has a meet routine as well. She also carries extra goggles and suits, as a back up.

 

At home: I pared everything down to a manageable amount. Very few clothes, so she can see what she has. School work in a box. Assignments from outside classes in the same place on a counter. And woe to dh when he tries to "clean it up."

 

We have checklists for every trip in the car, and reverse ones going home. Her routines have been helpful for all of us, actually.

[Laura Corin]

Thank you, everyone.  We have decided to concentrate on one thing for now: his writing homework down in his diary.  I remind him of his goal every morning and he reports back in the evening. We'll see how it goes.

 

L

[Starr]

Ds 17 returned from 3 months in Europe. It's hard to believe he managed to travel by himself, not lose everything and brush his teeth.  :svengo: I guess there is hope. Now we are working on breaking projects into smaller parts. 

[Heather in Neverland]

We had Mrs. Skylar present on executive functioning in kids at a district gifted parents meeting it was very informative and helps understand how brains develop especially in this skill set.

 

http://executivefunctioningsuccess.com/about/

Yep. I am reading this book right now for the same reasons: http://www.amazon.com/Smart-but-Scattered-Teens-Executive/dp/1609182294

[Incognito]

I am very much like that.  A few things help me -

 

Everything has a place and is put away - very organized life.  I am not a naturally organized person, but the structure of organization helps me a lot, so I do it.

 

A written day planner.  I now use a wall calendar, and a pocket one was better.  I'm sure phones have them now too.

 

An easily used alarm (mine is on a watch).  I can set it to remind me to do things or check things.  Helps lots.

 

 

[nansk]

Try books about organization geared to people with ADHD. Those behaviors you listed are characteristic of the types of disorganization problems that plague people with ADHD, so whether he has it or  not (have you ever considered that?) the types of things that work for folks with ADHD might be more likely to work with your son than the types of organizational strategies typically recommended for most people.

I thought of the same thing as I read your OP.

I am somewhat like this, too. If I don't follow my routines, or don't put things where they belong as soon as I am done with them, I lose them and I forget my tasks. I just can't help it.

Apart from all the good advice you have got in this thread, do read up on the LC board for suggestions on supplements for ADD. I found them helpful for myself.

[Tiramisu]

My oldest dd found a lot of help by scheduling reminders for herself on her ipod. She's 18 and has learned what she needs to do to compensate in order to achieve her goals. That motivation of a specific goal was very crucial in her implementing successful strategies.

 

A younger one's teacher recommended not only writing down each day's assignments but also the items needed for them in her planner, e.g., math book, history binder. She isn't desperate enough to implement this yet. :glare:

 

I don't know if this will help you as you think about the future, but I have older relatives with this problem and they have done very well professionally and developed the organizational skills necessary for their jobs. At the same time, I haven't seen this cross over into every aspect of their lives. It's almost as though they have a limited capacity for organization and put it to use in the place that's most necessary for them. That's not such a bad thing.