Bickering nips homeschooling?????

[chocoholic]

I wonder...has anyone else ever stopped homeschooling because their 11-yo son and 13-yo daughter bicker ALL. DAY. LONG.?

 

I'm all for the "this is a stage" and "they really do actually love each other" and "the weather is getting bad" and "that's normal" and "we've just been together too long" arguments, but I'm really starting to believe (the lie) that putting them in school would be better for their relationship in the long AND short run!

 

Thanks for listening to me vent, cyberworld.

[momma2three]

Dunno, but it's making me not want to homeschool my son (who probably needs to be kept out of PS more than my daughter, who is the type who will do well anywhere).  Their personalities are oil and water, and all they do is fight all day long.  It's actually better now that he's in preschool and they spend less time together.

[Starr]

No but the school day would take longer because they would be sent to their own rooms, space, until they could be polite. 

[MysteryJen]

Being apart all day would stop the bickering during the day, but I bet they would just pick it up at home.  I hear complaints from moms all the time that the bickering starts the minute they get in the car and lasts until they get to bed.

 

Sometimes I think it is just a bad habit. When my kids get going, especially my younger three. I refuse to listen.  By that I mean that they are not allowed to talk. Not to each other, not to a sibling who doesn't annoy them as much, not at all. For at least 20 minutes.

 

It seems to work a bit like a reset button. I have been known to use it many times a day.  And immediately in the car.

[AK_Mom4]

I had two that would bicker ceaslessly.  They were apart all day in public school, but the minute they walked in the door it started.

 

Finally, they lost their speaking rights.  If either one said ANYTHING to the other or ABOUT the other, they were disciplined.  I told them that they were poisoning the atmosphere and so no more talking.  It took a while, but it finally broke the habit they had developed of sniping at each other - at least where I could hear it. 

[GSOchristie]

My kids are younger but if they start arguing, they have to come be with me for 30 minutes.  If they argue while sitting at my feet watching me fold laundry (how exciting!), they lose their speaking privileges.  My second is a button pusher and my first takes every piece of bait his brother throws out.  

[Snickerdoodle]

If you have time to bicker, then obviously you have too much time on your hands.  Thankfully, I can dream up all kinds of chores that need to be done immediately to make use of that free time that you have.

[KrissiK]

My kids bicker constantly. I just separate them. They drive me insane.

[fraidycat]

Well, yesterday my DD though that I needed to put a brick wall between her and her brother during school time because he was "annoying" her by the simple fact that he had the audacity to exist. I informed her that there are several brick walls at the public school. She quieted down.

[SpecialClassical]

I read once that the combination of an 11 yr old and 13 year old is the worst for bickering, and I do think it was with the girl being older. I heartily agree. My oldest girl and boy were at their worst for bickering at those ages and I thought I was going to lose it. They are 17 and 20 now and have grown out of it. :-). I wish I had a solution for you. I did use the above tactic of losing the privilege of speaking and that helped.

[Lizzie in Ma]

There was a period of time when they did school in separate areas of the house because of this, it's much better now but whew, I was an unhappy parent for awhile there. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Mango]

Disagree. 

 

PS would "pause" the problem and never get resolved since they'd never have to figure this out. 

 

It will get worse before they figure it out. Stop them, make them apologize (repeatedly) and don't get suck into their argument by trying to figure out "who started it." It takes two. And it takes both to keep the peace. 

 

Oh, and more work together and they'll "get over this more quickly." Nothing like a long yuck job together, like raking leaves, or moving a pile of rocks, helps them it figure out.  "Would you rather do this alone?" 

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I have a ton more than "just" bickering, but I did put dd in ps a few weeks ago because of ds's behavior. She's really enjoying it. She transitioned extremely well. I no longer feel bad for the expectations I have for her behavior when home with ds. She gets to be a 12 year old for a huge part of the day, then after school ds "studies" with a neighbor boy while dd and older neighbor boy study here. We have dinner at 5, ds in bed at 6. Ds walks her to the bus in the morning and picks her after school, and they both enjoy that time.

[Greta Lea]

Being apart all day would stop the bickering during the day, but I bet they would just pick it up at home.  I hear complaints from moms all the time that the bickering starts the minute they get in the car and lasts until they get to bed.

 

Sometimes I think it is just a bad habit. When my kids get going, especially my younger three. I refuse to listen.  By that I mean that they are not allowed to talk. Not to each other, not to a sibling who doesn't annoy them as much, not at all. For at least 20 minutes.

 

It seems to work a bit like a reset button. I have been known to use it many times a day.  And immediately in the car.

 

I agree about the bickering would just start in the car at pick up time at school. My 2 best friends have dc who went to regular school and this is exactly what they experienced.

 

I also used to do the NO talking at all  like a "reset button" too. It really does work, because I do think a lot of the bickering is just a habit (bad habit).

 

Also, when my dc were little, I didn't do school work with one while the other was in the room, unless it was a read aloud, of course. If I was working on math with one son, the other had to be either be working on something independently or just playing quietly in another room.

 

I never did history and science together with them either like some families do. There's a 3 year age difference in my sons and my older son has always been a DEEP thinker and LOVES to discuss what he's learning, which is the EXACT tee-total opposite of his younger brother. If I did subject like that with them together, I had to make my older son kind of hold back on his thoughts and then my younger son felt very dumb when he couldn't come to his thoughts like his brother.

 

HTH

[musicianmom]

For those who use chores or a no talking rule as a consequence for bickering, what happens when your children refuse to do the chore or insist on talking anyway?

[KungFuPanda]

Honestly, my kids bicker less now that Dd is in high school. (Ds is still homeschooled.) Granted, they never fought too terribly much before, but all that togetherness did give them more time to grate on one another's nerves. Now that they don't share an identical day they seem more interested in one another's conversation. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that . . . It's certainly not the reason my oldest went to high school, but it has been a very pleasant side effect. I have to admit that the conversations are more interesting, and they listen to one another better, when they're not just recapping the exact same events.

[MysteryJen]

For those who use chores or a no talking rule as a consequence for bickering, what happens when your children refuse to do the chore or insist on talking anyway?

 

I have found that when the bickering starts to really get going, the kids do want to stop, they just can't. So requiring silence for everyone involved is not really a punishment, it is kind of a relief. And no one gets in trouble, they just have to be quiet.

 

No one really wants to go through the day arguing. If someone keeps going, I usually take them aside after a bit of quiet and try to figure out what is really wrong. Usually it is because they feel slighted, or left out, or someone else was mean to them. We try to address that.

 

Your kids are younger than mine, and I just had to train them. Over and over. It took a while.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I used a multi-pronged approach to bickering.  I have a low tolerance for discord in my home so this was a high priority and we worked on it early and often. 

• Pushups.  Done silently.  Complaining meant more pushups.  This gave a physical outlet for pent up frustration and acted as a reset button.  I have pulled the car over on occasion to make them get out and do them. 
• We worked on modeling and practicing respectful speech at home as well.  When the tone of their conversations would devolve into bickering, I would step in and have them rephrase their comment into something less likely to antagonize the other person.  After a while, if I would hear things starting to get out of hand, I would only have to say "Tone" to remind them that they were straying from respectful speech. 
• Separation.  If they are simply tired of being with each other separating them for a cooling off period helped.  I often played homeschooler pinball - bouncing from kid to kid during parts of the school day. 

[Trilliums]

We had bickering problems between my son and his cousin who lived with us periodically.  One day I had them voice ALL their complaints against each other.  We systematically went through each complaint and discussed whether some action was needed.  They both had held onto grudges and thought the other needed to be punished.  We came up with a few behavior modifications to help them get along better.  We also established ground rules for how to treat each other.  I think they really needed these expectations clearly laid out for them and they needed some perspective on the little things sparking the bickering. They still have issues, but it did reduce the general day to day bickering.  GL!