Prom & Teen dating -- share your thoughts & resources?

[profmom]

We need to think through these things, discuss them with others, and read up on teen dating. Will you share your thoughts and/or resources?

[momofkhm]

No resources, really. We have shared with our kids that dating is not a good thing. That you need to protect your heart. Thankfully, both have friends who have gone through painful breakups. Thankful because it wasn't my kids and they saw the wreckage left behind. I do feel badly for the girls involved.

 

We've also shared that there is no reason to go out until you are ready to get married. Oldest is 18 and much more involved with school and just doesn't have time for boys. Middle is 16.

 

Prom - oldest went last and is going this year. Both times it's with a bunch of girls. I think there were 15 last year and I think 12 this year. They take up 2 tables. Friends to eat with, chat with, dance with. What more could you ask? Middle has expressed interest for next year. We'll try to get the same thing going - a group of girls.

[Tree Frog]

Also no resources; we're figuring it out as we go along. A lot of what we base our decisions on is how our parents handled things with us when we were teens, while taking into consideration the character of our teen. I see doing things differently with our second dd than we are with our oldest. When I was 17, I was living in another country with a different family and had very few parental restrictions. When I returned for my senior year, I had no restrictions as to when/where I could go. Had I abused that privilege, my parents would have revoked it. That's the direction we're headed with our oldest. She will be on her own at college in a year, so we're giving her more freedom. She has handled things very well thus far.

 

DD found a nice young man who is very considerate of her. They have played board games at our house (and his) with the families, so we've had a chance to get to know him, and he is sure to include our other children in what they're doing. DD doesn't have any serious plans with him right now; they seem to get together mostly for fun stuff. Last weekend they went to his band banquet and next weekend is prom. This is her first boyfriend. I'm very thankful she is experiencing the relationship/feelings/possible break-up while at home where it's easier for us to offer guidance instead of while at college. We have encouraged her to avoid drama with him and I think she's been successful. (She doesn't like drama and has seen it with other friends.)

 

DD's boyfriend left the band banquet early to have dd home on time. If I'd realized he was cutting short an event that was very important to him, we would have allowed them to stay until finished; it would have only been about 30 minutes more.

 

Since dd is 17 and is very responsible, as is her young man, we've decided to allow her to determine her curfew, but she must tell us before she leaves what time she'll be back. If necessary, she may text or call us to ask for an extension, but the request must not be in response to running late. For prom, I'm anticipating she'll be out most of the night. We've requested locations and a general timeline, but we won't require her to be home at a particular time. We've already set up a code word she can either text or call us in the context of just about any sentence, so if she needs our help or an escape, we will know to come pick her up without alerting others around her.

 

I don't know if my ramblings make sense; each family will handle things differently depending on their children and values within the home. I always like to read threads like this because with so many varied responses, I can see different viewpoints and consider different options, things I might not otherwise have considered.

 

ETA: Saved a kitten today by eliminating an unnecessary comma. Seems my spelling needs some help, too.

[Jen in NY]

That's the direction we're headed with our oldest. She will be on her own at college in a year, so we're giving her more freedom. She has handled things very well thus far.

 

Since dd is 17 and is very responsible, as is her young man, we've decided to allow her to determine her curfew, but she must tell us before she leaves what time she'll be back. If necessary, she may text or call us to ask for an extension, but the request must not be in response to running late. For prom, I'm anticipating she'll be out most of the night. We've requested locations and a general timeline, but we won't require her to be home at a particular time. We've already set up a code word so if she needs our help, we will know to come pick her up without alerting others around her.

 

I don't know if my ramblings make sense; each family will handle things differently depending on their children and values within the home. I always like to read threads like this because with so many varied responses, I can see different viewpoints and consider different options, things I might not otherwise have considered.

 

I agree with everything wilrunner said. My dd is 18 (!) and will be leaving for college in the fall... where I am sure there will be many, many experiences she can't anticipate that she will need to decide about just about every day. I am the worst, worst, worst worrier... and I lean toward the conservative (meaning cautious....) side when it comes to wanting to allow things to happen to my kids... (Parkour.... with no safety equipment?? Ummmm.... let me breathe through that one for a minute....) but the older they are the more I realize that they are their own people and need to make their own choices about these things. As long as they are not endangering themselves or others, I am trying to go against my overprotective nature and let them experience life - even if that includes boyfriends and proms (May 18th, here we come!). It is hard for me but I'd rather be there to help them through the experiences than have them hiding things from me and afraid to tell me what is going on. I am not good at letting go yet, but I am trying to be better. When my kids have done nothing to earn my mistrust, I feel like I have to afford them the freedom I would give to kids that aren't my own, even though it doesn't come naturally to me. I just keep reminding myself that I was one year older than my daughter is now when I met and started dating her father, which is by far the best bit of luck I ever had. (breathe in, breathe out, breathe in.......)

 

ETA: We have had many, many, (probably way too many, if you ask the kids!) conversations about relationships with the opposite sex since the kids were young - what a healthy relationship looks like - what sex is and isn't, and how it is never really the most important part of a relationship - why teen society and pop culture in general isn't the best place look for advice about or models of healthy relationships. We ask them what they think about the relationships they have with their friends, the boyfriend/girlfriend relationships they see in their peer group, and talk to them about the adult relationships they see modeled around them. This has been great, because we can talk about things without the conversations turning personal or accusatory. And when I do get personal tidbits here and there, I try (oh, how I try) to use questions like, "So, how do you feel about that?"

 

Trying my best to keep the lines of communication open, no matter what. : )

[KungFuPanda]

I have a 16-year-old who hasn't shown an interest in dating yet. This is her second year of high school and she seems to get her social fix in all the time the theatre dept kids spend together in a group. I'm glad she's in no rush, but I'm not sure I want her going off to college with NO dating experience.

[J-rap]

We never used any resources, more just our gut instinct. We talked openly about this since our kids were very young, and we were very blunt about letting them know that for the most part, we don't support or encourage dating (at least not in high school). Too often it leads to things they are not prepared for, and almost always someone is hurt. You often end up acting weird and concentrating on the wrong things. There are just way too many more negatives than positives. (Though I'm not saying it's impossible to have a healthy dating-type relationship as a teen.)

 

That being said, we did let our children do things as a group, or even with a special friend if there was a third person there to keep it casual. I know, we sound strict, don't we? But we always joked about it and the kids really didn't mind, they thought it was kind of funny to bring their little sister along to the movie theater. (Not sure their date did! :))

 

We never actually forbade special friendships with the opposite sex, but we were very careful about it. They could hang out at our house on the front porch or have dinner with us or whatever. But a lot of alone time? No.

 

We did let them go to prom with a date, but only if they were part of a larger group, or if it was with someone we knew so well that we were comfortable.

 

We are really not prudes and we like to have fun :), but we have tried to be careful about not putting our children into situations where things might lead to something (either physical or emotional) that we don't believe is in their best interest.

 

Once our kids were college-aged, they had a good handle on it and were careful and disciplined about their relationships. We let them make their own decisions then.

 

Our two oldest who are now married have thanked us for helping them be careful early on.

 

I must say, we were probably most strict with our oldest three, but because of circumstances our youngest two have had more freedom. But, given the role models are oldest three were, our youngest two have had no interest in dating.

[unsinkable]

No resources, really. We have shared with our kids that dating is not a good thing. That you need to protect your heart. Thankfully, both have friends who have gone through painful breakups. Thankful because it wasn't my kids and they saw the wreckage left behind. I do feel badly for the girls involved.

 

 

Something about the fact that you are thankful that your girls saw their friends go thru the wreckage of painful breakups...seems so wrong to me.

 

others' pain help proved your point? OK, yeah, but to be thankful?!

[Crimson Wife]

Late teens and college is a very different place than younger teens and high school IMHO. I know lots of college sweethearts who got married and stayed that way. I can only think of one pair of high school sweethearts with a successful marriage and they actually had split up after H.S. before reuniting in their late 20's.

 

If anyone has some secular (or Christian that is not fundamentalist Protestant) recommendations for courtship instead of dating, I would love to hear them.

[goldberry]

Something about the fact that you are thankful that your girls saw their friends go thru the wreckage of painful breakups...seems so wrong to me.

 

others' pain help proved your point? OK, yeah, but to be thankful?!

 

I didn't take it that way. My daughter saw her uncle (my brother) have his life ruined by drug addiction and then die from it. She has said multiple times that really showed her how serious drugs are and how careful she wants to be.

 

I'm certainly not thankful my brother went through that, but thankful that DD learned the lesson from it without going through it herself. DD has also seen a very close friend of ours deal with a teen pregnancy and no father involvement. I hope she is learning that lesson too.

 

When kids see all their friends doing something and it turns out all hunky-dory, they automatically think it will turn out ok for them too. I hope DD gets to see enough of the reality of things not to have a candy-coated version of it.

[Joanne]

I'm in support of intentional, informed parenting.

 

I'm also in favor of not complicating things.

 

I've found that the best thing for the dating and prom age is to let them be in it, make their own choices, and help them with those choices and consequences as needed. This, however, has to be built on a foundation of can talk to me about anything (since babyhood) and a lack of deciding a lot of things *for* them ~ especially as they get older.

[QueenCat]

Each child is different so we did not have rules for the whole family. We just guided them through situations, letting them make their choices of who they want to spend time with. Obviously, if we found someone to be dangerous, we did not allow that but we don't find someone dangerous just because they aren't exactly like us. The older they get, the more they should be in charge of those decisions.

[unsinkable]

 

 

I didn't take it that way. My daughter saw her uncle (my brother) have his life ruined by drug addiction and then die from it. She has said multiple times that really showed her how serious drugs are and how careful she wants to be.

 

I'm certainly not thankful my brother went through that, but thankful that DD learned the lesson from it without going through it herself. DD has also seen a very close friend of ours deal with a teen pregnancy and no father involvement. I hope she is learning that lesson too.

 

When kids see all their friends doing something and it turns out all hunky-dory, they automatically think it will turn out ok for them too. I hope DD gets to see enough of the reality of things not to have a candy-coated version of it.

 

I took it the way she wrote it.

 

I don't agree with it. It's like a real life version of those Halloween Hell Houses.

[goldberry]

I took it the way she wrote it.

 

I don't agree with it. It's like a real life version of those Halloween Hell Houses.

 

 

This is the way she wrote it.

 

. Thankfully, both have friends who have gone through painful breakups. Thankful because it wasn't my kids and they saw the wreckage left behind. I do feel badly for the girls involved.

 

She was glad her kids learned a lesson from it, but still felt bad for the girls involved. That's a pretty normal parenting feeling and in no way a Hell House response.

 

I could have said the same thing, "I am thankful DD saw the wreckage drugs caused in my brother's life and is determined not to follow that course. I am still so sad he had to go through it."

 

Those are two separate sets of feelings, and in no way cruel or callous to those who had to suffer through those situations.

 

Your comparision to Hell Houses is insulting and extreme.

[unsinkable]

 

 

 

This is the way she wrote it.

 

 

 

She was glad her kids learned a lesson from it, but still felt bad for the girls involved. That's a pretty normal parenting feeling and in no way a Hell House response.

 

I could have said the same thing, "I am thankful DD saw the wreckage drugs caused in my brother's life and is determined not to follow that course. I am still so sad he had to go through it."

 

Those are two separate sets of feelings, and in no way cruel or callous to those who had to suffer through those situations.

 

Your comparision to Hell Houses is insulting and extreme.

 

 

I don't agree.

 

Someone could have written:

 

"Unfortunately, both have friends who have gone through painful breakups. It was painful for their friends and difficult to see the wreckage that was left behind and know they were suffering."

 

NOT "Thankful it wasn't my kids."

 

I think the Hell House part is accurate. Its point is to show the perceived outcomes of what the Hell Housers see as undesirable actions.

 

Edited to add: for me, it would not be a normal parenting feeling for me to be glad that my kids learned a lesson from someone else's pain.

[goldberry]

 

NOT "Thankful it wasn't my kids."

 

I think the Hell House part is accurate. Its point is to show the perceived outcomes of what the Hell Housers see as undesirable actions.

 

So purposely setting up a disgusting mockery of Christianity and forcing kids to go through and witness it, is the same as using life lessons to draw your kids' attention to possible outcomes so they might make different choices?

 

Are you really saying as a parent you don't point out certain things to your kids, "Do you see how that turned out? Do you think those were the best choices?" Does that mean you're glad someone made those bad choices? No, but that's real life, and your kids are living in it, and look to you to help interpret it. You're picking at words to make the PP look bad.

 

And thankful it wasn't my kid when something bad happens? You bet I am thankful, and any parent would be. That doesn't mean I wish bad things on others just for my benefit.

 

That's not like setting up horrible scenes and gloating over them. Your comparision is offensive.

[goldberry]

Edited to add: for me, it would not be a normal parenting feeling for me to be glad that my kids learned a lesson from someone else's pain.

 

Sometimes that's the only positive thing that can come from it. My brother's death is an example.

 

ETA, sorry to OP for derailing, will stop, this was not your original subject!

[swimmermom3]

I'm in support of intentional, informed parenting.

 

I'm also in favor of not complicating things.

 

I've found that the best thing for the dating and prom age is to let them be in it, make their own choices, and help them with those choices and consequences as needed. This, however, has to be built on a foundation of can talk to me about anything (since babyhood) and a lack of deciding a lot of things *for* them ~ especially as they get older.

 

I have been thinking a lot a bit this lately and I am not sure how I feel. There are choices teens can make that have consequences for their family that the teens do not have the age and wisdom to foresee. Sometimes those choices can rip a family apart and financially drain resources to the point that other children suffer.

 

One of our children was dating someone we were very uncomfortable with. We expressed our concerns, but allowed the relationship to continue in "front of us" as opposed to behind our backs. Our child made their own decision. We will all pay for that decision for a very long time and I regret with all my heart not having put my foot down.

[unsinkable]

 

 

Sometimes that's the only positive thing that can come from it. My brother's death is an example.

 

ETA, sorry to OP for derailing, will stop, this was not your original subject!

 

I'm very sorry about your brother.

 

And I'm done. Because I've lost family members, too and I'm not thankful AT ALL about it.

[goldberry]

I'm very sorry about your brother.

 

And I'm done. Because I've lost family members, too and I'm not thankful AT ALL about it.

 

:grouphug: Peace to you.

[raceNzanesmom]

We've taught our boys from a young age that dating is for seeking a spouse. Our oldest has lots of female friends, including the ones he took to prom, but no girlfriend. He is looking, just hasn't found her yet.

[Joanne]

I have been thinking a lot a bit this lately and I am not sure how I feel. There are choices teens can make that have consequences for their family that the teens do not have the age and wisdom to foresee. Sometimes those choices can rip a family apart and financially drain resources to the point that other children suffer.

 

One of our children was dating someone we were very uncomfortable with. We expressed our concerns, but allowed the relationship to continue in "front of us" as opposed to behind our backs. Our child made their own decision. We will all pay for that decision for a very long time and I regret with all my heart not having put my foot down.

 

{{Hugs}}

 

I am not replying to YOUR situation, because I am not going to pretend to understand or know it.

 

I have learned, however, that life is messy. You can't parent or live in a way that avoids messy. In a teen dating situation (particularly an older teen), I would likely lean on the side of allow/watch, just like you did.

 

I'm so sorry that your experience has impacted your family in a profound way.

[Joanne]

No resources, really. We have shared with our kids that dating is not a good thing. That you need to protect your heart. Thankfully, both have friends who have gone through painful breakups. Thankful because it wasn't my kids and they saw the wreckage left behind. I do feel badly for the girls involved.

 

We've also shared that there is no reason to go out until you are ready to get married. Oldest is 18 and much more involved with school and just doesn't have time for boys. Middle is 16.

 

 

I'm not of the "protect their heart" or "no reason to go out until you are ready to get married" mindset.

 

I believe that Nature (God, whatever........) designed humans to have intimacy interests in the teenage years for a reason - a reason beyond a test of character, virtue, self-discipline. In fact, I find the juxtaposition of teen hormones and admonishments to wait to be scripted, man made, and often counter productive.

 

It's certainly fine if a teen isn't in that space (one of mine isn't) but I'm not intentionally avoiding it when I have a child who is more interested.

 

I'd MUCH, MUCH, MUCH rather stand waiting and alongside my soon-to-be adult child as they navigate early relationships, coaching and guiding, and supporting them than to avoid the relationships altogether.

 

Since I don't believe in waiting for marriage to date or have sex or in protecting hearts, I don't conceptualize the breaking up process in the same way.

[Heather in Neverland]

 

 

I have been thinking a lot a bit this lately and I am not sure how I feel. There are choices teens can make that have consequences for their family that the teens do not have the age and wisdom to foresee. Sometimes those choices can rip a family apart and financially drain resources to the point that other children suffer.

 

One of our children was dating someone we were very uncomfortable with. We expressed our concerns, but allowed the relationship to continue in "front of us" as opposed to behind our backs. Our child made their own decision. We will all pay for that decision for a very long time and I regret with all my heart not having put my foot down.

 

 

I am so sorry. :( Our best friends are going through something similar with their teenage daughter and it is tearing their family apart. I can't go into details but her choices led to expulsion, loss of college scholarship, has damaged the careers of both of her parents and is causing emotional trauma for her siblings. Teens do NOT always make good choices. (((Hugs)))

 

 

[Heather in Neverland]

In terms of resources, it really depends on your worldview. We believe that sex is only for married couples as designed by God and that dating is for the purpose of finding a spouse. We do not believe in recreational dating. If you would like resources from this point of view, pm me.

[profmom]

Thanks for all your thoughts and comments! I appreciate your help!

 

Also, a side note: Proverbs has at least one example of learning from the lives of others. There's a fine line between observing/learning and judging, and we should all be careful with that, but it's wise to learn from others' lives, whether their actions were wise or unwise.

 

Thanks again! I appreciate it!

[JNW]

Thanks for all your thoughts and comments! I appreciate your help!

 

Also, a side note: Proverbs has at least one example of learning from the lives of others. There's a fine line between observing/learning and judging, and we should all be careful with that, but it's wise to learn from others' lives, whether their actions were wise or unwise.

 

Thanks again! I appreciate it!

 

 

You win the award for Most Gracious Response Ever. What an excellent example. Thank you!

[Unicorn.]

It seems to me that you really didn't get many answers. We're just getting into this, but I will share my personal philosophy. I would rather my child screw up and make mistakes while at home, so that they have a safe place to land when it blows up. What does that mean? Well, I don't believe that dating doesn't serve a purpose. It teaches kids how to have a relationship w/ another person, work through conflicts, make sacrifices, realize what you want in a future partner, what you don't want, what you are willing to comprise on, and what you aren't.

 

Ds is dating. He's had some experiences that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but he's learned so much from them! He is currently dating a lovely girl, whom he has been best friends w/ for the last couple of years. We've known the family for years, our younger dd's have been friends for years. They occasionally go to the movies, this weekend he will go w/ her to her band banquet, and she went w/ us to his ROTC banquet. Mostly, they get together at her house or ours, watch tv, study, play games, have dinner w/ the family. They also have a group of friends that gets together on Sat. nights and plays games- which is how they came to be friends.

 

I do have a curfew- sometimes it's later than other times. A lot of times her mom and I will pick the time together. During football season, he works as an escort w/ ROTC (security for the girls on the drill and dance teams), and will go out to dinner after, so he can stay out til 1, sometimes 2. Most of the time, he's home by 11, and earlier on school nights.

 

Basically, all of the that to say, that you have to do what you feel is right, and judgement is based on the person, and the situation. Don't give to much freedom that don't have any rules, but give them enough that they have to learn some life lessons, and have some control over their own life.

[Lilaclady]

We are not there yet but it's nice reading the different view points, thanks