Help! Getting a new child tomorrow morning

[happycc]

Tonight an hour ago, I just got a phone call from a friend who has 10 kids. Homeschoolers..Most of the kids are grown and WAY out of the house. Like out of state. Anyways, the husband said his wife is just on burn out after taking care of her injured 80 some years old father. Anyways the mom is kind of having a "mental health need of a break" moment and I will be receiving their youngest child for the WHOLE week! She arrives at 6:30am tomorrow and leaves Friday evening.

 

I don;t even know where to begin. She is about 7yrs old and I can't remember what my others did at that age. I am not sure where she is academically. Where do I even begin? Her dad basically said to have her just be enveloped into whatever my kids are doing.

 

From what I remember about this child...I took her and her brothers out a few times to the museum and a few places last year. She was really hyper and spoke nonstop and gave my kids headaches. I don;t remember her reading much at all. I don;t remember her knowing phonics or any kind of math.

 

Any ideas?

Should I just forget school for the week?

Recommendation?

[HSMWB]

Well, not knowing anything about your kids or her, and if she is going to come with school stuff of her own or not . . . it is really hard to say what 'I' would do, because 'I' would just play it by ear. In my experience, trying to hold school when you have visitors is tough. But on the other hand, sometimes the routine is needed and the day goes better.

 

Personally, I'd probably bring her into the stuff you do all together anyways, as you have older and younger's already. If she can read (or not really even) you could put her in charge of reading/playing with the younger ones. If you have time where you have all the kids working on stuff, you could either have her do stuff she brought with her, or you could print off some worksheets from on-line, or if you have dry-erase stuff hanging around. You can put a page protector sheet over a workbook and that works well.

 

Good Luck and Bless you for doing this for the other family!

[violamama]

I think if she's 7 she's an emotional antennae in human form. If her mom is having a hard time, she knows it and she very likely feels personally involved/responsible about it. Kids seem to just do that.

 

Do the school stuff that presents itself. Review phonics- use bingo sheet to have your next oldest kid play with her. Have one of yours play uno with her. Encourage her in any way you can. She chats... compliment her on her hospitality. Put the kids with her in shifts if they are overwhelmed and remind them to be compassionate. Whether she shows it or not, she is in need of this week, too. My boy is a chatty fellah and if I ever needed a week, I pray that the family who takes him in would be able to love him without tiring of him.

 

Ask her what she knows, and if she seems amenable then ask her to "help" teach your littles. That age, especially for girls, kids often want to be given responsibility.

 

If it were me, I'd write off the week and then take any schooling accomplishments as gravy. I would ask her interests and do what I could to make a project she might enjoy. I'd emphasize to the older kids that this is one way we can support one another. You are wonderful for doing this, and I really respect that you offered/agreed to it!

[fourisenough]

Dote on her. She has probably been an after-thought for much too long; don't allow her to be one at your house. Start a new read-aloud that would appeal to her (and can be finished this week) and allow her to color or play nearby while you read. The advice above about telling your own children this is one way to help/give back is very good. You will not make any significant progress with her academically, but could certainly give her a shot of confidence and let her know that she is worth your time an attention. Bless your heart for taking her on. If any of mine were ever in need, I hope a friend would do this for my child.

[8filltheheart]

I wouldn't attempt formal school work with her. Some random ideas:

 

I would read stories, watch movies, study something in nature, etc.

 

Are you familiar with 5 in a Row's methods? While I wouldn't normally go that route with mine at 7, it might be something you could do with your 9 down children. (Actually, thinking about it, your 11 yr olds could do this as well and you could turn theirs into a writing/research project and put them in charge of a lot of the researching and planning.). You could pick either a movie or story to build from. Make a salt dough map of the geography of the area. Read about the region. Pick some animals from the area. Read about the animals or watch a documentary about them. Draw pictures or create habitats out play dough or "nature."

 

I don't know where you live, but I could you go on a picnic or to the park?

 

Help her make her mother a nice Mother's Day gift and write her mom a letter on a card she creates

 

And I completely Agee with Sdunkel. You are a blessing not only to this mother but the little girl as well.

[happycc]

ok my heart is breaking. SHe has been here for an hour and just chatting away. Parents fighting since some kind of church strife.The church hurt her mom's feeling.Judging them. Mom and dad sleeping separately. Mom staying in an apt nearby. More fighting. Grandpa injured. Mom overwhelmed.

 

Ok now I am thinking it is going to be a field trip week. She hasn't been to the zoo before or least doesnt remember going and not at the space center. Maybe take her to a few museums. we have memberships there. She came with only one underwear. She packed her entire bedding though and spent the night sleeping on the floor at her house because her bedding was packed. I guess she did her own packing. One pair of sock and bunch of stained torn clothes.

 

She came with one book, her Awanas stuff and a few boxes of cake mix. Apparently one of her subject is baking so she bakes a lot of cakes.

She said at the table she wished we were her family. It just made me want to cry. I told her that her Dad loves her dearly and her mom always smile when she sees her. I know her siblings love her too. I just told her everyone needs a time out and break sometimes. Kind of like a vacation. Anyways she is on the computer ...which is different for us as my kids are not allowed to use the computer during the weekdays unless it is Study Island, Dreambox etc.

Please for all those who pray...please pray for this family. Others ...send good thoughts, vibes whatever.

[three4me]

Prayers for you all, that this week can be a blessing for everyone involved!

[happycc]

Oh my gosh...the dad gave me a piece of paper this morning and I thought it was just you information giving permission for medical care in case of emergency but I read it and the wording is freakign me out. It states so and so (the parents name) parents of such and such born on such and such is granting temporary custody and legal guardianship of child to my husband and I. Ummm is this normal.

[SuzySparkle]

I would never want to add to your worries, but I would not give such a document to anyone for such a short stay.

 

I think you need to clarify when they will be picking up their child. Maybe say you are trying to plan out your upcoming weekend and confirm the time they will be arriving to retrieve her. It is a nicer way of finding out what's going on than to ask why they worded the document in such a way. It may ease your mind a bit.

 

I am sorry for the difficulties they are facing and think you a very caring friend for helping them out in their time of need. :)

[KellyMama]

Wow - that kind of document would scare me just a little. I would call and ask him why he gave it to you. Do you know who has the other kids this week? Wondering if they too have been given pieces of paper like that. I would also wonder if social services are involved.

[...................]

He probably just wanted to Make sure you had whatever rights you needed in case of emergency. I wouldn't freak out at all.

 

Bless you and I'm praying for that family.

[zoobie]

Oh my gosh...the dad gave me a piece of paper this morning and I thought it was just you information giving permission for medical care in case of emergency but I read it and the wording is freakign me out. It states so and so (the parents name) parents of such and such born on such and such is granting temporary custody and legal guardianship of child to my husband and I. Ummm is this normal.

 

No, not normal. At all. Not that the situation seems normal in any way. I'd call a lawyer specializing in family law and ask for advice.

[Hunter]

It sounds like everyone is in a tailspin. I wouldn't freak out about ANYTHING until things settle a bit and you can see what is REALLY going on. The things that make you want to freak are INFORMATION. Collect this information. but stay STEADY.

 

You cannot make a dent in this child's situation, but you can be an EXAMPLE to her of what NORMAL behavior is like. You have no idea how important NORMAL EXAMPLES are to children with no concept of normality.

 

Buy her some panties. You have no idea how much underwear I have bought for people in crisis :lol: I also often buy them crayons and playing cards, and assorted other cheap and utra-portable items they can bring with them on their journey to self-sooth with.

 

First off take care of YOU are YOURS and be an EXAMPLE. It's more important who you ARE than what you DO right now.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[kwg]

He probably just wanted to Make sure you had whatever rights you needed in case of emergency. I wouldn't freak out at all.

 

Bless you and I'm praying for that family.

 

That was my first thought.

 

Poor kid. You could always call and ask, though how would one do that?!

[happycc]

Well also reading it says it starts from 5/5/2013 to 5/31/2013. I think he mentioned it was going to be one week..I thought ..but granted, it was 9pm and the phone was breaking in and out.

 

I think I will definitely have her call both her parents cell phone every night. I don;t want them to lose connection of each other. Family unity is important.

 

I wonder what kind of adventure God has in store for us.

 

I would never call social services under these circumstances. These people are reaching out for help and I will be there for them in any way possible. I put a phone call to our Pastor and see what he can do to help. Social services just break families apart and not really get them to get help. Trust me..been there done that. I just think maybe Dad must be overwhelmed and under duress when he wrote it and wanted to make sure he was covering bases. I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Meanwhile I will take care of this girl as best as I can and hoping our pastor (even though they don;t go to our church just our Awanas) can help with whatever the parents need. Their kids are good kids. Some of them on the spectrum as I remember.

 

Anyways she says she doesn't do any workbooks when I popped a workbook out as I wanted to get some kind of school work done today with my own kids. We are with a charter school so we need to stay on task. I got her on a free trial of Dreambox at this point. Maybe Reading eggs too.

[Hunter]

I wanted to add that I just had an emergency house guest the month before last. I'm still dealing with the fallout. But it took me at least 3 days of her being with me before I could even establish some ground rules and boundaries and such, because I didn't know the full picture of what was going on. I ended out having to take some firm action, but doing it sooner would have been impossible, because there was so much I did not know the first day.

 

There is nothing that you agree to do in the first few days, that you are bound to continue to do after that. EVERYTHING can be renegotiated, no matter what you agreed/volunteered to do, when the fuller picture develops.

 

And first, take care of YOU. That is not selfish. YOU did not create this situation. YOU are not the one responsible to fix it. Just because you are the one standing there, doesn't make you the one responsible.

[Hunter]

 

 

Anyways she says she doesn't do any workbooks when I popped a workbook out as I wanted to get some kind of school work done today with my own kids.

 

Your home, your rules!

[Um_2_4]

Um, maybe they wanted to give you a paper in case she needed medical care and couldn't reach them and didn't know how to word it?

Did they send any other papers? Her medical ins card?

Most authorization forms only give permission for "life saving treatment" or to "seek emergency treatment and transport" (usually till stabilized). (till parents can be reached, maybe he knows that might be hard in the near future and wants you to be able to take her to urgent care if needed or the like? And if I recall (may depend on state) an ER would not release to anyone except parents with the typical emergency form ,but that form should be enough for an ER to release her to you, but may need to be notarized to be in full effect.)

[happycc]

I just called my lawyer and apparently some of you are right...that if she should need er care that this wording in the letter could cause problems in the future. Apparently parents have lost custody of their kids over this kind of wording. So I am going to call dad and have him rewrite it. I dont; want the letter to get in the wrong hands.

[happycc]

ok just called him and he was so thankful I alerted him about this. He is on his computer to change the wording. He said he got some kind of template with that wording. And yes he was just covering his bases when he wrote for the month in case she needed to come back again later in the month or if there were to be some kind of natural disaster warranting longer stay.

Thank you for your words of wisdom, Hunter. I guess you have gone through this before and I will get good advice from you. I had a similar situation a few years back with a teenager that stayed with me during the day mostly but the father returned regularly to check in with her. And he called in a lot too. This feels different.

[Walking-Iris]

Wow...just wow. If someone asked me to watch their 7 year old for a week, and I wasn't family...um...red flag. If there was then a lot of chatter about mental health and fighting and such and such....red flag. If they then gave me a paper saying that I was a temporary legal guardian....um definite red flag. And then to suggest a "natural disaster" or something might warrant a longer stay?? um...

 

I obviously know nothing about any of this. It all seems a tad too personal for a public homeschooling forum imho...but yeah. I would be doing some serious inquiries before committing yourself to something.

[BatmansWife]

One thing I would caution you against is not to pump her for information. I'm not saying you have. I know it's kind of natural to be curious about her homelife. But, I think a lot of things she's told you already she probably shouldn't have. I'd die if I knew my kid was spillin' the beans about what our life is like. I don't like it when my youngest is away from me and people are asking her about me, or about homeschooling, or what she did for school that day and she says "nothing" or "I don't know" (because she'll totally forget about the school work she actually did do earlier that day). For what it's worth...my youngest has never been to a zoo either. Anyway, I hope she'll have an enjoyable week with you and that everything will work out.

[Pen]

Oh my gosh...the dad gave me a piece of paper this morning and I thought it was just you information giving permission for medical care in case of emergency but I read it and the wording is freakign me out. It states so and so (the parents name) parents of such and such born on such and such is granting temporary custody and legal guardianship of child to my husband and I. Ummm is this normal.

 

 

 

 

No. But do not freak out. People often do not know what to write on such a paper that very likely just means to him what you thought. It may also be intended to mean that you should be able to attend to things _beyond emergencies if the parents are unavailable while dealing with their own issues, but that could be clearly written on a note. Further, if something happens to parents, it would give you a likely priority as a legal guardian over a social services removal to an unknown foster care placement. If the parents were worried about that, that aspect may have been deliberate. Discussion with the father probably is needed to understand what he meant, and what you are prepared to deal with.

 

I was once offered a legal guardianship over a child, and after researching it, determined that it was not something that I could do, though I would have liked to do so for the child. I instead offered a different legal footing that seemed more feasible to me.

 

ETA: while writing this a lot more was posted.

[KellyMama]

Just wanted to clarify that I certainly don't think you should call social services! I simply meant that I wondered if someone else HAD already and that's why he thought of needing such a letter. I think you are doing a wonderful thing caring for your friends' daughter.

[Hunter]

I abhor calling in authorities. I KNOW how unhelpful and further damaging they USUALLY are. Sometimes, there is no choice though. The situation that landed a person on my door is often the situation that I cannot fix. Enabling isn't fixing and it's not helping. There are situations where we cannot help. Enabling over calling authorities isn't better. I'm not saying this is YOUR situation! I'm just talking in GENERAL, because....yeah...umm...I've gone though a LOT of this type of thing.

[mathnerd]

Just wanted to clarify that I certainly don't think you should call social services! I simply meant that I wondered if someone else HAD already and that's why he thought of needing such a letter. I think you are doing a wonderful thing caring for your friends' daughter.

 

Exactly this. Maybe someone else has already called social services and now they feel that you are a safe option for their family until they can tide through this. But, if you are not even close to the girl or that family, they should not involve you in this. They should just buy a plane ticket for their relatives to fly in and take care of the girl. I think that you may be setting yourself up for a long term informal "foster mom" situation and you might even be setting up yourself for the role of a homeschool teacher for her. Any mental health situation takes time to resolve itself. And same case for a dad struggling to cope with marital problems and work etc, he is not going to find a solution in a week. I may be wrong, but I had a young female in-law on my doorstep looking to stay for 3 days because of strife in her home and it took her 7 months to leave. Just FYI. So, be sure to set your boundaries with this family - by either specifying a time limit for the girl's care, the scope of your work (food, shelter, education?) and possibly working with the father on alternatives if this situation continues. Good luck.

[happycc]

Well at this point my kids are loving her presence. So I consider it just a child having a week long sleepover. That is it. Anyways I got her a free trial on Dreambox and Reading Eggs Comprehension and she is enjoying herself. My kids have actually done science and math so far. So I am happy that we are getting some things done. Thank you everyone for your help on this. I am not too concerned at this point. I know the family well enough that they love their children dearly and just having a rough time right now and need someone to watch one of their kids. Their 24 years old son is watching some of the older boys 11yrs and up. So given that she is much younger they feel she needs to be watched more. I

 

Boundaries has been reestablished. He has confirmed that he will pick her up on Friday and I did tell him that he and his wife can come anytime this week to visit with her etc.

I am so glad we have this list to hash out ideas for emergencies like this.

So meanwhile what other online stuff I can get her on with a trial.

[happycc]

No I dont want to pump her of information but I want to be sure that BOTH parents are truly on board for me to have her for the week and not the decision of just one parent and then have the other parent accuse me of taking her child or something crazy like that. The whole parents fighting kind of makes the situation a little different. But I am just going to believe that everything will be ok and work itself out.

 

She does talk a lot and just started spilling things out. He did put both parents cell phones down so that gives me the indication that this is agreement.

[Um_2_4]

What about time4learning , do they have a trial still?

Here is a full online unit about bees .

and you can make a free account at jumpstart.com (not sure how many of the areas you can access withthe free one, but they have a lot of math games ,etc.)

Not sure of her level, but what about coolmath.com or wordville.com?

[happycc]

I went to Time4learning and nothing on the page says trial but just demo. Is demo the one meaning trial?

 

I have started working with her and she reads pretty well and writes beautiful cursive despite her saying she doesn't do any workbooks. Hmm maybe she was pulling my leg to avoid trying to do work. Hee Hee. Kids crack me up.

[joyfulmomSDG]

Wowza! It sounds like open communication with her family is a must! I'm sure the first days will be an adjustment for all of you, but she will probably fall into your routine more and more each day.

 

This may be a little young for her, but you could try: http://pbskids.org/island/play.html or the regular PBSkids or PBSkids go websites. Or Kumon books for the older levels??

[Ariston]

There is also xtra math...that's free. I think brain pop does a free trial? Visual link Spanish is free online, if she's interested in Spanish. And there is bbc typing. She may be a little old for it, but she might have fun playing around on poissonrouge for a while, or starfall.

 

[happycc]

I think some of the communication issue is that dad is an engineer programmer type a guy. He speaks in "code".

I spend half the time trying to decipher the meaning of half of what he says. He starting having kids later in life and has 11 kids and may be talked out. He just looks really tired and haggard. I feel for him. I really do.

 

Anyways, yes I will try brainpop today. She likes Reading eggs comprehension more than Dreambox. She is reading Pathway reader 3rd grade level. More New Friends.

 

She helped with watering the plants today. She asked that to be her regular chore. She is not a sleeper though. Up late and up early wanting to play video games -Miniclips. She does break down easily in tears when frustrated. Sleep deprived maybe and homesick.

 

My 3 .5 yrs old is having a really hard time with this though. Having a ton of temper tantrums with the transition.

[happycc]

Ok...need advice with new visitor.

 

Her true self is coming through.

She says everything is boring. I work with her and she starts moping and whining and yelling. Puts her head down and cry.

 

Took her to a space museum today and everything is boring to her. "I am bored. I am not liking this. It is boring"

She whines and ask my kids to help her on the computer and then tells my daughter to "go away and leave her alone because she is not helping her and making her lose the game."

We show her something and she says " That's stupid, ugly, dumb or something negative.

She rolls her eyes and says " So ...so What?'' to about everything.

She says she has a headache here because we "talk too much" and she doesn;t "understand" what we are saying.

She says she hates toddlers. We had some friends come over and claims she doesnt' like that one friend because she has a little 2yrs old brother that threw blocks.

She didnt want to watch a movie and pouted and pouted. My girls did everything they could to encourage her to give it a try. I told her she could go in the room and read a book or whatever. She wanted to stand in the hallway. I told my girls just let her be. Eventually she came around and sat and watched. She looked interested when the movie was on but at the end she just exclaimed, "It was boring."

I gave her a slight tickle and she gave me this dirty look and said " I hate being tickled."

Everything is just about negative coming out of her mouth.

 

I ask her if she is like this at home and she says she is worse.

 

I tell her that in my house we try and be positive and uplifting to one another. We try to say things in a nicer way. One of my daughters and her started talking and she told my daughter, " You be quiet and shut up." I looked at her and said, "There is a better way to phrase that." She looked at me like I was crazy and I told her to say " Hold that thought for a moment please. "

My goodness ...this girl is only 7 years old and the words that come out of her mouth just isn;t pleasant to listen to. I also told her that the word "Bored, boring" is a bad word in my house. It just means more school work or more chores.

 

She is really bright but there is no need for this kind of attitude and rudeness.

I am trying to be hospitable...but it is just hard. My husband calls her a pain in the buttocks. My kids are shocked and did not know she could be this way.

 

She told me her mom never plays with her and does crafts with her. She tells me that she and her brothers just homeschool themselves. I want to believe that is TOTALLY not true.

Now it is hardly her parents that take her to Awanas. It is someone from our church. She gets dropped off to this older lady's house and she drives her to our church.

 

I am hoping that this truly is not herself and just that she is stressed about whatever is going on at home and being away from home. However I have had her and her brothers in my care about a year ago and I could sense there was very very little supervision. Just a bit of crazy wildness there and immature inappropriate behavior for their ages.

 

Anyways give me some uplifting encouragement to make it til Friday. Tell me what is this "boring" stuff?

[MusicMama]

It sound like her way of processing what she can't properly verbalize. Boring may equal strange, unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and just...different. It sounds like life has thrown her a curve ball and she doesn't have the skills to handle it. I would keep things simple. I would not ask her "Well, what do you want to do?" From my experience, that only elicits a pout and "nothing". I would let her participate in the chosen activity, or have some quiet time in another room. She may need that space to emotionally recuperate. My 4 yo DS has a negative personality. I have to work hard to ensure I don't ask questions that lead him into those natural negative tendencies. Instead of asking "Did you have fun?" (The answer is always no!) I ask "What was your favorite part of the visit?" I can't imagine what his behavior would be like if I didn't work so hard to correct it and if he were three years older. It's tough! Just remember, you aren't responsible for correcting her behavior, just caring for a little girl for a week. You sound like a wonderful friend, and your home must be a wonderful place for her to be, even if she doesn't act like it.

[Hunter]

Well from what you are saying, everything the child is saying cannot be true. If she doesn't use ANY workbooks AND her mom is not teaching her at all, then she wouldn't know how to write in the beautiful cursive you say she can write in.

 

I told you more and more would reveal itself over the first 3 days. And also that you cannot make a dent in this. So mostly just BE something positive. Don't worry so much about how you RESPOND to her, but focus on YOU and being an example. Not contradictory to this, though, is that this is YOUR home and while there she must not be overly disruptive.

 

I would give her choices, but make those choices within parameters that are not overly disruptive to your family. Sleep is one of the areas I give children in crisis some slack. Even though I don't require them to lay in the dark, I do limit what they can do during the night. No media, no mess, and very limited areas that they can be in.

 

Like in any home, there have probably been some very right and some very wrong things that have happened. This child can read and write. There even were cake mixes in the house. There are older boys responsible enough to take in their younger brothers. Even after these few days, I doubt you still have a good handle on what has been going on long term or recently.

 

So set up some boundaries and be a good example. Use a lot of "I", "we" and "here" statements. "We don't do that here." "That is not allowed here." "I don't permit that here."

 

:grouphug:

[akvtmama]

I was thinking of this all night. I agree with Hunter, you really can't "fix" anything in a week. About the boredom stuff. Who know what she's going through but I would take a page from "How to talk so kids will listen, how to listen so kids will talk" When she says she is bored try acknowledging that feeling. Maybe something lie this. " I'm bored" " Hmmm, it sounds like this isn't too interesting to you." Then maybe follow up with "What would be interesting to you?" Then you could just gently change subjects or maybe some of the times you could acknowledge that " oh yeah doing that would be really fun, I could see why you'd like that. That's not something we can do today but what a great idea!" I don't personally always manage to talk to my kids in this way, I'm often much more strict or firm. But I find sometimes when things just seem a little off. Lots of whining, or we've been on the go too much, their little hearts really respond to these kinds of conversations. Remember what a blessing it is for that mom to know that her daughter is being cared for and loved. If you have the time and energy it's possible once they start to pull it together they made need more of your support. One last thing. At our house any time the kids would have to go to someone's house chances are, they won't have socks and if they do, I'm sure they won't be matching! ;) Good Luck!

[happycc]

My house too...rarely our my kids socks matching. It has become the "in" thing to have non matching socks. Who has time to honestly match socks. Good grief. I am just glad they have washed socks and knows in general where to find them.

 

She has told me that she has lots of clothes and such but often can't find them. I have been to the house. It is a bit messy and disorganized but so can my house during a bad week and when the teenagers were here all the time. She said she did her own packing. Hence the funny amounts of clothes or lack there of. Typical 7 years old don;t think of the need for clean underwear and socks I suppose.

 

Nope not planning to fix this child in a week or ever. More like how to survive this week and not have a bad effect on my kids. One of my kids have started to act up similiarily (acting selfish) and I have had to step in and correct her. The other two are just in a state of shock. She seems to be better minus the crying and whining and saying that is boring when it comes to anything "educational". But I am the boss and we are all going do something education. When she breaks down crying and whining and screaming I just tell her she can go into the bedroom if she wants and come out when she is ready to join us.

 

Thank you all for your words of encouragement just to survive this week.

[violamama]

When I was young, my cousins were like this girl sounds. Their whole family dynamic was different than ours- lots of yelling, swearing, public rudeness.

 

We had them stay with us and we stayed with them, we sometimes vacationed together. I was young enough that I don't remember if I acted up after a visit, but I do know that as we got older my sister and I were just so incredibly grateful that we had our family and not theirs. It became less intriguing to us that one of them had all the flashy clothes or used the f-bomb as a tween. We just ended up feeling sorry for them and wishing they had better lives, frankly.

 

One turned around and in her 30's has stabilized as a single (good) mom of 2. The other had all her kids (4) taken and placed in better homes after years of drugs and ridiculous neglect on her part. At one point we nearly adopted her then 3 year old, and we saw into the darker recesses of her sad and abusive life. She generated misery for her kids.

 

I'm telling you this because I think watching that, and knowing them has made my sister and I stronger adults. We don't feel superior, we just don't take a single thing for granted. Maybe this experience will give you some good teaching points for your own children. They may be more appreciative that your are teaching them manners and a strong work ethic, and that your family doesn't have to be perfect to be great.

[happycc]

Well another day with moments of drama and last night husband came from work and plays tickle monster with the kids and she came up and kicked him in the privates. He was shocked and came in and told me that she kicked him there. I didn;t know what to do as I didn;t see the circumstances. I just told my husband don;t play with her anymore. Stay far away from her for his safety.

 

THen my daughter came in and told me she was speaking "nonsense" saying that I was forcing her do all these schoolwork and trying to make her smart (when it was her dad who asked me to homeschool her or envelope her in our routine) and saying she is not coming back here. My husband told me to load her up with a TON of schoolwork today. HAHAHA!

 

I just feel bad for her that she feels so compelled to act this way. Something is amiss. I don;t know what it is. I can't put my finger on it.

 

I asked dad what time he was going to pick her up to day and he said a time. I told him we had other plans around that time and he said that was the only time and that she could stay the weekend as he was completely busy Saturday from 8am to 8pm. HUH? Saying it was mom's weekend with the kids. In the past the mom was away during the weekend, taking a break.

He told me I could leave her at my house until he could pick her up. That was completely out of the question.

My husband and I decided we will drive her home later tonight although the times we have dropped the kids off, no parental adults were home.

We have plans Saturday so I think it would be best for her to go home to her parents. Perhaps she misses them although when he calls she doesn't want to talk to him.

 

ETA: Just spoke to one of my church members who drive this young girl back and forth to our Awanas and was told that this girls older sister who is an adult living in another state actually kicked this girl out too (she stayed with her for about two weeks and was all that older sister could take) and sent her back home.

[KellyMama]

I'm so sorry this has been such a stressful experience for your whole household. I hope someone is available to leave her with this evening so that your family can breathe and enjoy your weekend plans. I definitely think she has some MAJOR emotional issues - however, looking at the circumstances, I think it's probably a direct result of all that's gone on in her life to this point. :( So so sad for her.

[happycc]

I just feel so bad for her dad. He looks so sad and haggard. His back is hunched over when he sits and walks.

I wish I could do something for him.

[StephanieZ]

I know you don't want to involve the authorities, but I wonder if there is someone, somehow, maybe a minister or a school teacher, that you COULD involve to try to force the family to get this child some help -- therapy, oversight of the home, etc. It really sounds like there could be something very bad going on in this child's life.

 

I am so sorry for all of you.

[StephanieZ]

I know you don't want to involve the authorities, but I wonder if there is someone, somehow, maybe a minister or a school teacher, that you COULD involve to try to force the family to get this child some help -- therapy, oversight of the home, etc. It really sounds like there could be something very bad going on in this child's life.

 

I am so sorry for all of you.

[vonfirmath]

ok just called him and he was so thankful I alerted him about this. He is on his computer to change the wording. He said he got some kind of template with that wording. And yes he was just covering his bases when he wrote for the month in case she needed to come back again later in the month or if there were to be some kind of natural disaster warranting longer stay.

Thank you for your words of wisdom, Hunter. I guess you have gone through this before and I will get good advice from you. I had a similar situation a few years back with a teenager that stayed with me during the day mostly but the father returned regularly to check in with her. And he called in a lot too. This feels different.

 

 

I'd appreciate knowing the wording to use!

 

I sent a similar letter with my son to the grandparents when he was there for a week -- but I dated it far-ish in the future in case something happened (I did NOT give guardianship. But I did give medical authorization, etc. He was going to be in Arizona and we live in Texas. I wanted to cover as many bases as I could)

[Jaybee]

He probably just wanted to Make sure you had whatever rights you needed in case of emergency. I wouldn't freak out at all.

 

Bless you and I'm praying for that family.

 

:iagree:

 

I have written a document similar to this (not using the word "custody") in case of an emergency where a hospital visit might be involved, etc. This was when we were leaving our kids with my parents to go overseas for an adoption.

[violamama]

She is testing to see how much you will dislike her. She's assuming she'll be rejected so she's taking control in the best way she knows how. By complaining to you about everything, she can built a little castle of denial that she would actually love to be part of your family and yet probably never will be.

 

I feel so sad for her. Praying for you all.

[Hunter]

happycc, I don't think this is your problem. I think she needs to go home and that you need to focus on you and yours. Every problem that walks in front of us, and is not being attended to by someone else, is not automatically our problem. How many people did Jesus walk by? He stayed focused on the select group that he could most affect.

 

It's not easy for me to say this. It's not easy for me to do this myself. There were so many people that walked by me as a child and as an adult that didn't get involved. I don't think any of them were responsible to have stepped in. None of them knew exactly what was going on. None of them had the power to fix things.

 

When I was burying my dad, a much younger colleague/friend of his grabbed me and alternately crushed me in a hug and held me out in front of him to look at me, and kept yelling at me, "Are you okay!? Are you okay!? I had to keep telling him I was okay and that it was okay. I knew he was blaming himself for not having investigated something he saw. Who he was, in the time it happened, and in the place it happened, he was truly powerless to have fixed things. He could have stirred them up, but not improved the quality of life. And he would have hurt himself.

 

There are times we need to call in the authorities. I have done that. Many times. Too many times. Sigh. You haven't said anything that would make ME call the authorities. You have to make the final decision. What I think doesn't really count, but...I'm just telling you what I THINK. I'm being bossier than I usually am. I hope I'm not offending you. Please ignore and forgive me if I am.

 

BE an example for her. Stay steady. LOVE her no matter what she does. Don't judge her. You have no idea what she has endured and how she is genetically wired to cope. Just SHOW her how to be a good person when you do have contact with her. Set up boundaries so she doesn't disrupt you and yours. Look her in the eyes if she can tolerate eye contact, and let her see the love and non-judgementalness you have for her. She's a child. She needs boundaries, love and acceptance.

 

:grouphug:

[Pen]

So, has she gone home? Is she still with you?

[Greenmama2]

Wondering if she's still with you. Hope she is ok & that her week with you was helpful to her, even if it was stressful for your family.