AimeeM Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 I randomly confiscated my dd's ipad (I do that randomly to monitor her use). I found some very mean texts sent to her by her best friend (maybe former best friend) and some new girl who the bestie has been hanging out with recently. Really mean. Cruel. Taunting. Autumn is heartbroken. I have best friend's mom coming over for coffee tomorrow. I know how to handle mom (she's a great mom and after our conversation today, she sincerely had no clue this was going on). Did I misstep here? Should I have let them handle this on their own? Autumn (amazingly) didn't say anything back to the girls. ... but what can I say to Autumn to help heal her heart? Anything? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 Well, ice cream helped here for a similar situation. That and time. And no, I dont think you overstepped -11 is too young to have to deal with mean girls by herself. Show the other mom the texts and help your DD move forward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live2Ride Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 I say good job mom. We as parents need to stick up for our kids sometimes. They need to see that as supporting them in not allowing people to mistreat them. Some parents dont want to hear it but when it stares you directly in the face its hard to ignore.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 I think what you did was fine. The mom must be open to talking further if you already gave her the scenario and you are meeting tomorrow. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrs.m Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 I would want to appropriately correct my daughter if she ever did something so mean. I don't think you overstepped at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 Her mom is horrified. She is more than happy to discuss it and doesn't know how to approach it yet since her daughter deleted the conversation from her own ipad. (I still have the conversations to show her on dd's ipad) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 I think you did the right thing. Children who are living under your roof and supported by you should not have an expectation of privacy. My ds's school has students sign a computer use policy that says no emails are private. I tell ds that the same applies at home. I heard a talk by the father of Ryan Halligan. One point he made was that, if he and Ryan's mother had checked Ryan's online activity, Ryan might be alive now. http://www.ryanpatrickhalligan.org http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_of_Ryan_Halligan Good work catching the conversation, and thank goodness the other girl's mother is supportive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 How old are the girls? ( I am on my phone and can't see signatures) And I could NOT disagree more with the "no expectation of privacy". My kids have privacy unless I see behavior that suggests drugs, alcohol, or other risky behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 How old are the girls? ( I am on my phone and can't see signatures) And I could NOT disagree more with the "no expectation of privacy". My kids have privacy unless I see behavior that suggests drugs, alcohol, or other risky behavior. The girls are 11. We do allow privacy to a point. When Autumn asked about texting and playing games that allow correspondence with adults we may not know, she knew that we would be monitoring it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tita Gidge Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 I randomly confiscated my dd's ipad (I do that randomly to monitor her use). I found some very mean texts sent to her by her best friend (maybe former best friend) and some new girl who the bestie has been hanging out with recently. Really mean. Cruel. Taunting. Autumn is heartbroken. I have best friend's mom coming over for coffee tomorrow. I know how to handle mom (she's a great mom and after our conversation today, she sincerely had no clue this was going on). Did I misstep here? Should I have let them handle this on their own? Autumn (amazingly) didn't say anything back to the girls. ... but what can I say to Autumn to help heal her heart? Anything? Poor Autumn :( When you talked to her about it, did you let her know you'd be contacting the girl's mom? Did she share an opinion on that plan? I think it might be over-stepping if she wanted to drop the issue, and move on (with your support, guidance, and intuition into the situation but not further involving the other parties. At least while it was still raw). If I were the girl's mom, I'd want to know also. But I think I'd understand if your first loyalty was to your daughter, and if you needed to wait a bit before bringing this to my attention out of respect for her. I've only had boys that age, my only daughter is still younger, but the girls we know around here can be BRUTAL. So hateful you wonder how someone so young can be so ugly inside. It's sick and sad, both. But I can tell you that while the mother might be truly sorry that this happened, involving her has the potential to make things more difficult for your daughter. I'd guess the mom will restrict or confiscate the mean girl's electronics, but the memory of a girl "wronged" (and the mean girl will feel wronged by what she perceives as Autumn tattling - either to you OR to her own mom) can outlast any restriction. And where there's a will, there's a way, confiscated electronics be damned. Your daughter is lucky to have you helping her through this, and even if you did mis-step she'll come to realize that you did it out of love and concern. Who can stay upset at that? The other mom realizes it, too, and doesn't think you've overstepped any bounds, so I hope tomorrow's conversation with her is productive ... and that her little apple was just briefly rotten and will roll back closer to the tree once this incident is resolved. These two girls have two great moms. You're doing what you need to do, Mama. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2boysmom Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 http://www.ryanpatrickhalligan.org http://en.wikipedia....f_Ryan_Halligan Oh man, I was struck by this quote in the article: "I was torn between wanting to be his bodyguard all day and feeling he needed to (again) learn how to manage the situation as a part of growing up." and this: "I want to be very clear. I don’t blame Ryan’s suicide on one single person or one single event. In the end, Ryan was suffering from depression. This is a form of mental illness that is brought on by biological and/or environmental factors." Huh??? Why do parents put up with this kind of behavior? Why is bullying a part of growing up? Why are the culprits not charged? Why are they NOT to blame? We need to crack down on this kind of stuff. And to the OP...../\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\(clap, clap)for hitting the situation head on. But....Why do 11 yr olds need to text? II would ban the texting completely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 I'm so sorry your daughter had to experience this, in addition to not feeling well. :grouphug: Is it typical for her not to share such a thing with you? I have a DD11 who has always needed some time to share anything unpleasant. I also have a DS who'd run to me immediately and share. If your DD typically is more open, I'd be more concerned about her psychological well being. She's been through so much lately. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 I'm so sorry your daughter had to experience this, in addition to not feeling well. :grouphug: Is it typical for her not to share such a thing with you? I have a DD11 who has always needed some time to share anything unpleasant. I also have a DS who'd run to me immediately and share. If your DD typically is more open, I'd be more concerned about her psychological well being. She's been through so much lately. :grouphug: She isn't the type to "tattle" - and she would have perceived running to me as doing just that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
violamama Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 I'm so glad you are helping these kids out. I think they way you've handled it (assuming it is effective) will be something the mean girls may someday be grateful for as well. As a parent I would be so glad if you let me know my child was trying out these aggressive and ugly behaviors. When I was about that age the three girls I had been best friends with from the age of 7 all decided to "pretend" they hated me. It became real, and horrible, including taunting me on the bus... and calling me to say mean things, etc. It was completely awful, and I honestly WISH my mom had been able to find a way to help. My mean girls all apologized later as young adults (and turned into normal human beings) and luckily in the meantime I found better friends and had a bunch of success of my own I could have as a focus. I think being able to travel regularly at that age also gave me an ability to put those nasty experiences in perspective as a short-term part of my life as a whole... I can totally see how something like this makes a kid's life hellish, though. Big hugs to your daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 At 11? Absolutely the right thing to step in. At that age I don't believe kids should have private Internet access, so in my opinion, it would be the same as addressing a situation that happened under your roof- like if the friend had been over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 I can just feel this getting messy. Autumn's (previous) best friend is a neighborhood child who lives here every other week with her father. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 How old are the girls? ( I am on my phone and can't see signatures) And I could NOT disagree more with the "no expectation of privacy". My kids have privacy unless I see behavior that suggests drugs, alcohol, or other risky behavior. Joanne Usually, I agree 1000% with every.single.thing. you say, but.... are you getting from my post that I have keystroke programs on kids computers and that their rooms are searched regularly. No, that is certainly not the case. By 'expectation of privacy,' I mean that dc should not assume that they have a guaranteed legal right of online privacy. Anything they post or email to someone could be copied and forwarded. They should realize that online activity never really goes away. There have been instances in area schools (not ours, thank goodness) of teens sending (unclothed) photographs; my dc know that forwarding that kind of thing is a crime, and people who do that can be tracked down. I want dc to be careful of how they communicate online, because I do believe that there is very little privacy online, and I want them to let me know that, if bad things are being said about them, I will look into it. Actually, I want dc to be kind offline too, when no one is looking, because that is the sort of children I want to raise. In our own house, I have never had occasion to read dc's emails or eavesdrop on phone conversations or search a bedroom (unless you count looking for dirty clothes on the floor, lol). However, while they are under my roof, I would do something if I ever had a strong suspicion of risky behavior, same as you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaOfalotta Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 I think you have handled it beautifully. You were calm and rational, and did the right thing by your daughter.. bravo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted May 1, 2013 Author Share Posted May 1, 2013 So... what is The Hive's consensus on diary usage? I say that jokingly (kind of, lol). Sadly, bestie and her new friend decided to walk by our house earlier and laugh/carry on as loudly as they could (after school). I assume because they saw me and the boys outside. Autumn came out of her room a minute ago and said "I hope H is nice again soon so we can be friends"... then she stopped and said "I can't tell you what I hope for the other girl that's always mean; I'm going to write it in my diary instead". This new girl apparently got Autumn's number/user name from H and is still, as of this evening, texting Autumn. I wouldn't have given Autumn the ipad back tonight, but her library is stored on there and she's in the middle of a book - and that's distracting her. I don't want to delete the messaging app yet because I need to show H's mom tomorrow. *sigh* ETA: Autumn is ignoring the text. Anyway to save the messages while still deleting the app? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaOfalotta Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 Geeze girls can be so darn mean :( I hate that for your daughter.. I would have a hard time not texting the girl back with something like "This is Autumns mother. I would like for you to stop texting her now." :p If you thought that your daughter would ever speak to you again, lol. Probably not? Do you have any way of getting in contact with this new girls parents? Or perhaps the other little girls mother could help you with that. "New girl" seems very sweet. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 This is what I would do: Take screenshots of the texts. (Hold down the home button and the bar button at the top.) Email to Autumn and H's parents the screenshots of their daughters' texts. Text H back: Do not text YourDDname again. Forward your DD's texts to your phone and turn them off of her iPad. (Settings > Messages > toggle off) I'm so sorry for your DD. Why do people get kicks out of torturing others? I would encourage her to come to you with these things. Sharing is not the same as tattling! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 Are these iMessages? You can add Autumns email to the iMessage contacts on YOUR iPhone or ipad so that the messages come to you instead (or as well). Go to Settings > Messaging > Send & Receive and add her email in there. Might be a solution to let her use the ipad tonight while continuing to "gather evidence". Or, if she has the willpower to just stay out of messaging, you can turn off all the notifications for messaging for a while. (((Hugs))). I absolutely don't think you overstepped. 11 is still very young. I'm glad the other girl's mother is willing to work with you. ETA: yes, definitely take screen shots as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 I think you are doing the right thing at age 11. DD14 had something happen recently and I let her handle it, but gave her some advice on what options she had. I did know the mom in the situation, but I asked DD did she want me to get involved and she firmly responded that no, she would handle it. She handled it in a way that made me very proud. But how they learn those things is by your walking them through it and seeing how you handle it when they are younger. She definitely wasn't ready at age 11. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 So... what is The Hive's consensus on diary usage? I say that jokingly (kind of, lol). Sadly, bestie and her new friend decided to walk by our house earlier and laugh/carry on as loudly as they could (after school). I assume because they saw me and the boys outside. Diary: my opinion Diaries are different from online. Even if your dd's diary does not lock, surely she know that a lot of diaries do have locks -- symbolizing privacy/security. Unless I had specifically told my dc that diaries were not private, I would be loathe to break their trust. IF I were seriously worried about a child, my first move would be to go to a therapist. My logic is that, if the diary seemed 'normal,' I might still be worried; if the diary had disturbing thoughts, I would be rushing into therapy. Even if a dc turned out not to need therapy at the time, I would be establishing a valuable connection for the future. I do realize that not everyone has the spare $$ to go to the therapist of their choice, but since you have iPads, I am presuming there is some flexibility. You are being such a good mother!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted May 1, 2013 Author Share Posted May 1, 2013 Diary: my opinion Diaries are different from online. Even if your dd's diary does not lock, surely she know that a lot of diaries do have locks -- symbolizing privacy/security. Unless I had specifically told my dc that diaries were not private, I would be loathe to break their trust. IF I were seriously worried about a child, my first move would be to go to a therapist. My logic is that, if the diary seemed 'normal,' I might still be worried; if the diary had disturbing thoughts, I would be rushing into therapy. Even if a dc turned out not to need therapy at the time, I would be establishing a valuable connection for the future. I do realize that not everyone has the spare $$ to go to the therapist of their choice, but since you have iPads, I am presuming there is some flexibility. You are being such a good mother!! Oh I'm not honestly worried. I would have been more worried had she not told me she was having ill thoughts about a girl that has always been nasty to her. (I'm not worried that she wishes death or anything on the child, lol) I'm just sad for her. I wouldn't look in her diary. The only time I've accidentally done so is when she randomly writes things on a loose piece of paper and then leaves it on her desk. When I go in to clean (deep clean - she picks up) and have no clue that this new random paper is her "diary", lol! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 I don't think you misstepped; I probably would have done the same thing! I'm sorry your daughter is going through that. :( I would suggest a couple of things. After helping your daughter see that other people do dumb and hurtful things because of their OWN hang-ups (so that she understands it's not because of who SHE -- your daughter -- is), I would move on and try not to focus on it too much. I mean, not in your daughter's presence. I would still talk with the mother of the other girl, etc. But then help your daughter move beyond it, kind of with an "Oh well! They're jerks, but it doesn't have to involve me!" attitude. Help her get a new hobby, maybe get involved in a new circle of friends through some other activity. Help her feel in control of her life. Help her find an interest that doesn't rely on friends, also. Something that she can feel really good about. Make the time to do special things with her, you and her together. Maybe there's a special project you two can do together. Help her keep happily busy! She can get through this period a stronger, more confident person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted May 1, 2013 Author Share Posted May 1, 2013 I don't think you misstepped; I probably would have done the same thing! I'm sorry your daughter is going through that. :( I would suggest a couple of things. After helping your daughter see that other people do dumb and hurtful things because of their OWN hang-ups (so that she understands it's not because of who SHE -- your daughter -- is), I would move on and try not to focus on it too much. I mean, not in your daughter's presence. I would still talk with the mother of the other girl, etc. But then help your daughter move beyond it, kind of with an "Oh well! They're jerks, but it doesn't have to involve me!" attitude. Help her get a new hobby, maybe get involved in a new circle of friends through some other activity. Help her feel in control of her life. Help her find an interest that doesn't rely on friends, also. Something that she can feel really good about. Make the time to do special things with her, you and her together. Maybe there's a special project you two can do together. Help her keep happily busy! She can get through this period a stronger, more confident person. She is starting a new co-op, in addition to our regular co-op, this fall (and the new co-op meets at least once a week for academics and at other times for various activities). Assuming her stomach issues get under control, she'll also be back in ballet this fall. This summer she wants to do a couple different day camps. So, hopefully, she'll be a busy bee and distracted. Unfortunately, her (possibly former) best friend lives in the neighborhood every other week, so there's no getting around that :( To be honest, while it would have still been sad, I would have understood if they went their separate ways just because of natural "growing up and moving on" - it happens often with childhood best friends (they've been attached at the hip for almost 5 years). Still sad, but understandable. This though? This came out of left field. I never expected it to end like this. I can tell, from what Autumn has said, that she still hopes the friendship can be salvaged... and, to be honest, I'm not sure that it can't be. The bestie was forced by dad to be friends with this other girl because he is close to her mom and I know that initially bestie was NOT happy about it (the other girl was notorious for being mean to her too, which is why Autumn and this other girl never got along). I'm afraid that bestie eventually just took a "if you can't beat them, join them" approach. When my husband first saw the texts and videos, the first thing out of his mouth was, "this is NOT our H". Not even remotely like her. Unless something drastic happened, I can't see how a child can do a complete 180 in a couple months time :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 Oh I'm not honestly worried. I would have been more worried had she not told me she was having ill thoughts about a girl that has always been nasty to her. (I'm not worried that she wishes death or anything on the child, lol) I'm just sad for her. I wouldn't look in her diary. The only time I've accidentally done so is when she randomly writes things on a loose piece of paper and then leaves it on her desk. When I go in to clean (deep clean - she picks up) and have no clue that this new random paper is her "diary", lol! It sounds as though you and your dd have great rapport & communication. I try to do the same with my dc -- thank goodness they still value (at least a bit, lol) my take on things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 I think you handled it appropriately-and I agree with having iMessages come to your device as well as to Autumn's-I have DD's set up that way, not just for iMessages, but for PMs on the discussion boards she's on, and copies of her posts and responses to them, even on highly moderated boards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 At 11, your dd needs your help and support. I don't think you misstepped. (((hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.