Anyone with near-adult or adult children...

[Pamela H in Texas]

Wondering if anyone else found either of these scenarios true with their now adult children:

1. that the challenging child who gave you plenty to worry about throughout childhood is making great choices and transitioning to adulthood beautifully.
    
   
2. that the easy-going, bright child who you thought would rule the world is finding the transition to adulthood challenging.
   

Well, I guess there is a third option and you have both scenarios.

 

In our case, I handed off the ball. One dropped it and can't seem to get hold of it again. I've tried giving time, not worrying about it. I've tried nudging the ball towards them. I think that one may actually be kicking the ball away or pouring something awfully slippery on it. Nothing works. The other one? I handed off the ball and that person ran with it, makes one point after another, etc. If that one has the ball taken mid-court, he runs after it and recovers. It is so weird because when they were 10, I never in a billion years would have guessed I would be looking at them like this!

 

So there are two major things about this for me:

• I want the very best for these two
  
• I want to parent in a way that makes it where my new kids don't struggle at 16-21, but instead soar.
  

Anyway, I've started this post 1400 times recently. I'm gonna go ahead and submit today.

[AnIslandGirl]

Our oldest ds26, has finally found his niche in life. I will tell you though that it was so hard seeing him struggle!

He has a fierce independent streak, but lacked the maturity to support it until he was about 22. There were many bumps along his path in life, but looking back on it now, he is so much stronger because of it. For a wile he was ashamed when he made mistakes, and waited too long to get help. This was the most frustrating for us, because had we known early, we would have stepped in to help. He was not a great student when it came to grades... he was the "C's and D's get degrees" kid, but he came through.

Once he realized his strengths, he has just soared! (It took a whole lot of hand-holding though)

Thanks to him we have two adorable grandchildren that light up our life in ways I never could have imagined!

 

If I said, "I may not like the decisions you make, but I'll always love you" one more time to this child... I can still see his eyes rolling in my mind!

[Twinmom]

I have a 30 yr old. He started out difficult, stayed difficult through his early 20s but is now blossoming. He wasn't entirely mine...I'm the stepmom...but he is mine, you know?

 

The trouble is, I think the end result is really up to them!! We parented DSS and we parent our others to take personal responsibility, regardless of their circumstances. We teach them to work hard. We try to teach them to love others and love the Lord, and to live by His Word. From there, it is all them. They have to choose their own path. DSS chose his own, and it was a hard one. His early choices affected our little ones, so we had to kick him out. He learned more from all of that, however, than from anything else that we could have done for him. He is a good man now, leading and loving on his family, working hard and having big goals for his future. I am proud of him.

[dbmamaz]

Mine are slightly younger but I was already saying this. My D&D was the sweetest, easiest, most mature kid her first 10 years. At 11 she went nuts and has gotten progressively worse. Oh, there have been moments, even maybe a year here and there, where she seemed on top of things. But she is just so busy being angry and mean she doesn't seem to find time to do anything else. Right now she's staying with my mom and barely speaking to me.

 

My teen was suicidal at age 9, caused me to be coming to school for some reason or another at least twice a week for most of the 8 years he was there, had a slew of diagnosis, and demanded a ton of my attention. He's still not as mature as his peers, but I tell you, I did not expect him to be doing this well at this age. I could almost see him being self supporting before his sister is. Only time will tell

[kroe1]

My 33 y.o. DS was the perfect child. So far, he has turned out to be the perfect adult who makes living life look easy. I would love to take the credit, but he was just born to be one of the lucky ones.

[AK_Mom4]

My older kids are still in the transition phase. Well, DS21 is pretty much transitioned into being adult since he is in the military, but we enjoy spoiling him a little bit when he comes home on his rare breaks. This is DD19's first year living away from home, but she is doing well and finding her own feet. DS17.... well, he is still our work in progress. We are still in the "lots of support, lots of guidance, lots of choices" phase with him.

 

I think years 15-18 are the hardest parenting, but the most fun.

[sassenach]

I was the rebellious, pregnant teen who has been self supporting since 17 (along w dh) and has built a darn good life.

 

My brother is the completely laid back, easy going kid who is still living with mom and working minimum wage at 28. He is the nicest guy you'll ever meet, but has a total failure to launch.

 

[gardenmom5]

My easy dream student that every teacher drooled over (well, excpet the one agendized prof who didn't like anyone questioning her propoganda - especially in front of the class. actually even that prof drooled. she was pissed she wouldn't be the "mentor".) ended up having health problems that were setbacks, but is finally overcoming them. (lives at home, but can easily afford to buy a house. the current market causes concerns.)

my most difficult infant/small child is the dream adult child.

my most difficult teen - is become a delightful young adult.

[MooCow]

Our oldest is our biggest challenge. Things have not gone as we planned, they are a mess

actually...... :( but, we will never quit praying and hoping that it will all work out. I have

faith, that on God's timetable it will.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Just so I'm not being disparaging about one of my kids, I do want to say that there are no attitude problems thrown around, nothing big like drugs or loose behavior, nothing like that. This particular "big kid" simply isn't DOING. Has some interest in school, but not really following through. Has some interest in working, but not really following through. I know I enabled part of that for a time. Wasn't feeling well so went to the doctor (eventually); but testing showed nothing wrong.

 

I always said that the rule was go to college, work and pay room/board (which we would have saved as a parting gift once adult left), volunteer full time...The ultimatum would be or you aren't welcome here. I don't even FEEL that way, much less could I follow through. At the same time, I can't have adults living here as if they are 14. That isn't best for them either.

 

I did have a talk and that lit a fire under said child for all of 4 hours.

 

Anyway, I don't know. Just waiting, I guess.

[lynn]

I have a 30 yr old. He started out difficult, stayed difficult through his early 20s but is now blossoming. He wasn't entirely mine...I'm the stepmom...but he is mine, you know?

 

The trouble is, I think the end result is really up to them!! We parented DSS and we parent our others to take personal responsibility, regardless of their circumstances. We teach them to work hard. We try to teach them to love others and love the Lord, and to live by His Word. From there, it is all them. They have to choose their own path. DSS chose his own, and it was a hard one. His early choices affected our little ones, so we had to kick him out. He learned more from all of that, however, than from anything else that we could have done for him. He is a good man now, leading and loving on his family, working hard and having big goals for his future. I am proud of him.

 

 

This is similar to our situation. We are at the beginning stages of this. One of the most liberating things for me parenting my oldest is letting him own his decisions and choosing to not take his choices personally. I raised him to do the best he could and make good decisions what he chooses now he owns. DH and I did not like that he chose working full time and moving out instead of finishing collegel but we did not say anything to him, let him own that choice. He found a full time job in addition to working part time at the job he's had for 2 years.

[lynn]

I have a 30 yr old. He started out difficult, stayed difficult through his early 20s but is now blossoming. He wasn't entirely mine...I'm the stepmom...but he is mine, you know?

 

The trouble is, I think the end result is really up to them!! We parented DSS and we parent our others to take personal responsibility, regardless of their circumstances. We teach them to work hard. We try to teach them to love others and love the Lord, and to live by His Word. From there, it is all them. They have to choose their own path. DSS chose his own, and it was a hard one. His early choices affected our little ones, so we had to kick him out. He learned more from all of that, however, than from anything else that we could have done for him. He is a good man now, leading and loving on his family, working hard and having big goals for his future. I am proud of him.

 

 

This is similar to our situation. We are at the beginning stages of this. One of the most liberating things for me parenting my oldest is letting him own his decisions and choosing to not take his choices personally. I raised him to do the best he could and make good decisions what he chooses now he owns. DH and I did not like that he chose working full time and moving out instead of finishing collegel but we did not say anything to him, let him own that choice. He found a full time job in addition to working part time at the job he's had for 2 years.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

 

I always said that the rule was go to college, work and pay room/board (which we would have saved as a parting gift once adult left), volunteer full time...The ultimatum would be or you aren't welcome here. I don't even FEEL that way, much less could I follow through. At the same time, I can't have adults living here as if they are 14. That isn't best for them either.

 

I did have a talk and that lit a fire under said child for all of 4 hours.

 

Anyway, I don't know. Just waiting, I guess.

 

:grouphug: I so get this. I always told DD if she ever got pregnant out of wedlock she would be out of the house. When it happened, I couldn't follow through. She was so lost and in such pain. It is a struggle for us everyday - trying to set rules for an adult child, trying to let her grow up and learn how to be an adult and a mother but still parenting her because she lives here and we support her and she asks us for help.

 

On the flip side, she is working two PT jobs and going to school FT. She is responsible for setting and attending all legal and doctor appointments. She is learning and maturing.

 

I just wish she would keep up on her laundry and helping out with household chores.

[Wildcat]

. 

 

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

My adult/near adult children:

*the ones who were mature and responsible are still the same only more responsible and mature.

*the one who was trouble and very immature is still very immature and self centered.No change.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I love having teens. They are so independent, have learned how to live life, can go have their own lives (though we're here to fall back upon as nec).

This one just dropped the ball after a few years of college and some working. And won't pick it back up.

I don't know what to do. Some may say stop enabling her, but what does that look like if I'm not willing

to DO something about it? I really just want her to go have a life!

 

BTW, she just texted me. She has an interview tomorrow :) Maybe not the perfect situation, but it is something.

[MarinesWife]

22.

Sigh.

I think she is at a turning point. Moved home recently. We wnt to help her.

[bzymom]

18. I tell myself forward is not always a straight track. Sometimes the road winds back upon itself, and I just keep pointing toward the light!

 

Makes me feel like the scarecrow in Wizard of Oz some days. :blink:

 

Will keep my fingers crossed for tomorrow's interview!!

[Joyofsixreboot]

So far so good....the first three are doing ok. I thought the now 14 yo would be in all kinds of trouble by now. At one point when she was 10 we really thought she needed serious professional help, but she has found an outlet for all that passion and anger and feeling and seems to be doing ok. Fingers crossed there.

[Sandy in Indy]

I've said it before and I'll say it again...parenting is SO much harder on this end of the deal! Parenting toddlers is a snap compared to parenting young adults. My first was so easy I thought I had it all down pat. Then came number two--not such a smooth ride. I have high hopes that number three is more the former than the latter. (Or perhaps I'll be wiser by then.) My oldest are 25 and 22.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Update: A day or two before I had written the original post, I had told my daughter she really needed to go get a job and start being responsible for herself. I really wanted her to follow up on the original job that she said was pretty good, the guy just wanted her to make sure her schedule would work as they require Sundays. Anyway, she tried, but not the way I would have (Of course, then you have to wonder about people who can't get back to you in a timely fashion when you DO contact them). So later in the thread, I mentioned an interview. She did well so they offered her a "working interview" which she also did well with. She had a final interview and they told her when/how to start training (I don't remember). Another job got ahold of her yesterday regarding training. There is a third job that is her preference, but they haven't gotten back with her yet. The first job is probably the best one for her if the 3rd doesn't pan out as it has set hours rather freedom I think she's proven she's not ready for. One good thing is that all three jobs allow for her to also do her volunteer work, working out, and freedom to do things in the mornings (on her own, rest, with siblings, whatever). Sooooooo, I guess we'll see what she chooses in the end. I believe she plans to do the training for both jobs and go from there, hoping that it buys her a little time for the 3rd job. She COULD do the 2nd job part time with either the 1st or 3rd jobs. Better to not shut doors right now, I think. She seems to agree.

 

Oh, first job is with AT&T. Third is with the library. 2nd has something to do with researching something or another...don't make me lie :)