WWYD? A friend dilemma--how do I say this kindly?

[myfunnybunch]

I have a friend, and she's a good friend. She lives just down the street, she homeschools her children, we get together at least once a week. Our children enjoy one another and play together very well. And she's one of those people that, in most situations, is gifted with the right words--what to say and how to say it positively.

 

My problem: She disciplines my son right in front of me.

 

I don't have a problem with another mom disciplining my children, particularly a friend with a very similar parenting approach--if I am not available, if I didn't see something, if we're in their home and there's a house rule I'm not aware of. Truly truly not a problem.

 

BUT...It's only with my oldest boy, 7.

 

Let me say right up front, my son is loud. He sometimes has a little trouble...hmm...regulating his enthusiasm. We're working on it, and he's making progress. This isn't about my astonishment that anyone could find fault with my perfect angel.

 

But it's gotten to the point that she's actually talking over my corrections to correct him, correcting him with an irritated tone and expression AND she does not correct the same behavior in her own children.

 

Two examples, mostly to vent because these situations both really bothered me, and because they offer a picture of what I'm talking about:

 

On a recent car trip in my car, her son and mine were making noise. It seemed to be normal boy noise to me, but I reached around and rubbed my ds' leg and said, "Shhh, shh, shh. Quiet, boys, please"--that usually calms ds and he quiets. As I was doing it, she corrected my ds with an exasperated look and voice, but not her own child. (I wouldn't have had a problem if she'd asked "Boys that's too loud for me, will you please be quiet." It was "C---, that's too loud" and not a word to her son.) Nor did she correct a few minutes later when only her son was making noise.

 

Yesterday we were at a birthday party. Ds got very excited about one of the presents and started loudly telling the boy how to play with it. I rubbed his shoulders, and said, "Too loud. Calm down." She interrupted me to say, "C---, let him figure it how to do it," then turned back and smilingly watched as her daughter actually took the toy out of the birthday boy's hands and started showing him how to play with the toy.

 

I need to know how to address this kindly. I know beyond shadow of a doubt that she has good intentions. She is a kind and loving person. I don't want to end the friendship. I don't want to hurt her feelings. I don't want to get my feelings hurt. I don't want to sound petty. I want to honor our relationship. But it's really crossed the line, and I need to set a clear boundary.

 

Help.

 

Cat

[Snickerdoodle]

Sorry, I don't have any ideas for you but I will be watching this thread. We are also in a neighborhood situation where there seems to be a higher standard that my boys are supposed to adhere to whilst the neighbor kids are as rude, destructive and bullying as a handful of kids can get.

[Remudamom]

Just be honest. Tell her you know her intentions are good and you don't want any hard feelings, but you are capable of handling your own child. In the future you would appreciate it if she left that job for you.

 

Snarky me would start correcting her children, very loudly, over her corrections and ignore any horrendous behavior from my own for a while. What's good for the goose.............. no really, don't do that.

[elegantlion]

If she is truly a good friend you should be able to simply say something like this. "Dh and I have discussed how to deal with our son's enthusiasm. We feel the best approach is gentle reminding and find that does work for us." Smile and then add something like, "We feel it is important to maintain the consistency and so I'd appreciate it if you would let me take the reins on this issue." Then smile and again and ask if she would like more coffee.

 

She may need the reminder that you are dealing with this in your own manner, which seems to be working. My ds has a few loud friends and I would never dream to discipline them while their own parents are around, it seems very brash to me.

[Paula in MS]

Based on the two situations that you shared, it sounds like she is trying to "help" you. Does she primarily do this after you have started correcting your son? She may think she is helping. If that is the case, next time, just say, "(friend's name), I've got this, thanks." It sounds like she may be prompted by your correction to help you out. Just a thought.

 

Paula

[Remudamom]

Based on the two situations that you shared, it sounds like she is trying to "help" you. Does she primarily do this after you have started correcting your son? She may think she is helping. If that is the case, next time, just say, "(friend's name), I've got this, thanks." It sounds like she may be prompted by your correction to help you out. Just a thought.

 

Paula

 

Oh, I like this, polite and to the point. You get the diplomatic award. I was going to further suggest an iron frying pan.

[Jen500]

If she really is a good friend, this is what I would do-Call her on the phone, or have a conversation when the kids aren't around. Tell her (in a calm tone, not angry) that you want to be the one to correct your son as needed. Then ask her if there's something in particular your son does that bothers her, and go from there. If she says,"He gets too loud" then just restate that YOU want to be the one to correct him. I wouldn't even bring up the subject of how she only corrects your son.

[2cents]

Yikes! Sounds like a situation I had to deal with some years ago. Honestly, if she is so oblivious to her own child's contribution then you probably won't have much luck talking to her. Good luck. But as one who has been there and done that, I don't hold out much hope. My answer would be to get away from her before your child begins to feel persecuted.

[Danestress]

I think calling to have "the discussion" can sounds sort of intimidating and high stakes.

 

If it were me, I woud just sort of jump in when something happens and I feel I must. If she's correcting my son over my own voice I might just turn to her and say, "I'd like to handle this please."

 

She might not like it. And she might be someone who wants to have "the discussion" about it. But then (I know I am a cop-out wimp at time) I could say, "Yeah, I'm really sorry, I probably should have said that. I just felt like you were correcting my son over my own head, but I don't want this to be a problem, I love you, you're a great friend."

[nmoira]

But it's gotten to the point that she's actually talking over my corrections to correct him, correcting him with an irritated tone and expression AND she does not correct the same behavior in her own children.

It sounds like either something about your son pushes her buttons or she sees him as an instigator/catalyst. DD has a friend like this, and it's very easy for me to blame her for whatever is going on. I do try to catch these feelings (and I think I succeed for the most part), but, if this is the case for your friend, she might not even be conscious of her feelings.

 

That said, it's not up to you to bring this up. I agree with others who've advised to tell her that you need to be the one to discipline your child.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Here is your answer, in your own words.

 

I know beyond shadow of a doubt that she has good intentions. She is a kind and loving person. I don't want to end the friendship. I don't want to hurt her feelings. I don't want to get my feelings hurt. I don't want to sound petty. I want to honor our relationship. But it's really crossed the line, and I need to set a clear boundary.

 

What you can do is say, or write, these exact words, only addressed at her. You might do both, actually.

 

I've been in a very similar situation, only my friend (B) now lives far away, and the problem happened while we were visiting her, staying in her house.

 

As background, when my friend and I lived near each other, my ds had some big behavior problems. Then, during the two years we lived away, ds was diagnosed with postprandial hypoglycemia. By controlling his diet, 90% of his "discipline" problems just went away. At the time of our visit, ds's behavior had improved dramatically, but I think my friend was kind of "stuck", still thinking of him the way he had been a year or two prior.

 

During our visit, she gave me a list of disciplining ideas that she thought would help with him (she'd been doing some research, apparently), she corrected him a few times (not harshly, but right in front of me), and she gave him a lecture upstairs (I was downstairs, but I could hear) about how to behave at the wedding we were going to (B and I were going to be singing for the wedding). I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want to add to the stress of the situation.

 

Weeks later (after I'd come home), I was still stewing about it. What I did was write a letter expressing my feelings, and the importance of our friendship, what had bothered me, and why I felt the way I did, etc, etc, etc. The letter ended up being 11 pages long! There was no way I could actually give it to her, but it got my thoughts and feelings organized. I then waited for her to call (I was too chicken to call her). The conversation went something like this:

 

Ring - Ring

Me: Hello?

B: (in a sing-songy voice) Hel-loooh! :)

Me: Oh, hi. :001_unsure:

B: What's wrong?

Me: Well, I need to tell you something, and I don't want to. It's too hard. :tongue_smilie:

B: Uh-oh. :confused:

Me: (big breath) When I was at your house last month, some stuff happened that made me confused, and angry, and hurt. (stomach ache coming on)

B: What?

Me: Well, it was the way you kept disciplining C. I was confused because he really wasn't being bad. And, the problems he did have were directly food related [aside: B is well aware of his diet issues]. I was angry because you lectured him when I wasn't in the room. And, I was hurt that you didn't think I was capable of taking care of things myself. :o

B: Oh. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize . . . Can you forgive me? :001_unsure:

Me: Yeah. :001_cool: Our friendship means so much to me. I just had to say something because I hated carrying these feelings around. :001_rolleyes: (change of subject) So, have you talked to J. lately?

 

 

That was it. On subsequent visits, she's never again told my son how to act. She really thought she was helping, I'm sure. And, she was never unloving. I just needed to set the boundary.

 

I hope you get this worked out with your friend. I know it's hard, but a good friend is priceless, and healthy friendships are a huge blessing.

[Staci in MO]

It sounds like either something about your son pushes her buttons or she sees him as and instigator/catalyst.

 

I was wondering the same thing. If she seems to be only correcting your child and not hers, it's possible that she feels likes your son's enthusiasm is what gets her child wound up. So, in her mind, she might think if she could just get your ds calmed down, her dc will calm down.

 

And just so you know I'm not picking on you, I have a couple of the loudest children in the world.

 

That being said, it's still up to you to discipline your child and she needs to butt out. I wouldn't make it a discussion, I would just wait until she does it and say something along the lines of, "I know you're only trying to help, but dh and I have found that this is the best approach with ds." It may take a couple of times, but eventually she'll get the message. She may not even realize what she's doing.

[kalanamak]

If everything else about her is just peachy, I personally would think that she is somewhat used to her son's voice, and your son's voice just gets on her last nerve....makes her snap a bit.

 

I'd give a try on really getting my child to not reach that pitch, and maybe even a few addressings to the BOTH of them when they are both being loud. If that fixes it and she never "snaps" again, fine. If she starts correcting other things etc. I'd either talk to her or be more choosy about the situations we are together in, depending on how I thought such a conversation would go (i.e. helpful or not).

[Joanne]

I need to know how to address this kindly. I know beyond shadow of a doubt that she has good intentions. She is a kind and loving person. I don't want to end the friendship. I don't want to hurt her feelings. I don't want to get my feelings hurt. I don't want to sound petty. I want to honor our relationship. But it's really crossed the line, and I need to set a clear boundary.

 

I wanted to answer this from another angle. It might be discouraging, but it might help.

 

I think it would help to be *realistic*. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

This conversation is 1) needed and 2) going to be awkward.

 

There are no words, phrasing, timing, delivery vehicle that will remove the fact that it's a confrontation (not all confrontation registers high on the antagonistic scale).

 

Your whole post was consice, insightful, kind, compassionate, loving and generous in spirit. You don't need us to give you words or ideas; your post was perfect, especially the paragraph I quoted.

 

You need courage and strength, but not words.

[Goldilocks]

If everything else about her is just peachy, I personally would think that she is somewhat used to her son's voice, and your son's voice just gets on her last nerve....makes her snap a bit.

 

 

:iagree:

 

My friend's children irritate me and my children irritate her. We just tune out our own chidren's noises/voices.

[myfunnybunch]

Thank you all so much for the feedback. I appreciate your thoughts more than I can say. You all helped me to focus my thoughts, and after some reflection today and reading your replies I feel...well, to use Joanne's words...I feel more strength and courage. I know it will be a difficult conversation, but I have enough confidence in the friendship to believe that it will be all right in the end.

 

Cat

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

Well, I see I am not the only one dealing with issues like this right now. I'm here not able to sleep because of something that happened with my son and 2 neighbor boys today. The kids were in the yard between houses and my boy was yelled at so he picked up his toys and started home. The neighbor kids started screaming that he had taken one of their toys (he hadn't). He just kept walking. The dad heard his kids yelling and followed my son up to our house and opened my back door to tell my son, who was already inside, to show him what was in his hands.

 

When he saw that my son did not have his kid's toys he just walked off, no apology, and his kids didn't apologize for accusing my son of stealing. I've been ticked off about this all afternoon. There have been other issues lately too. This was just the last straw for me.

[readwithem]

Well, I see I am not the only one dealing with issues like this right now. I'm here not able to sleep because of something that happened with my son and 2 neighbor boys today. The kids were in the yard between houses and my boy was yelled at so he picked up his toys and started home. The neighbor kids started screaming that he had taken one of their toys (he hadn't). He just kept walking. The dad heard his kids yelling and followed my son up to our house and opened my back door to tell my son, who was already inside, to show him what was in his hands.

 

When he saw that my son did not have his kid's toys he just walked off, no apology, and his kids didn't apologize for accusing my son of stealing. I've been ticked off about this all afternoon. There have been other issues lately too. This was just the last straw for me.

 

:eek:

 

I can't believe he walked into your house! That's trespassing.

 

I'm sorry you were losing sleep over this - when that happens to me, I write an email to the person - maybe I'll send it, maybe I won't - but it gets it off my chest and I can usually sleep :) (I've had one sitting in my "drafts" file for over a week now but I think the situation has resolved itself)

[readwithem]

I think calling to have "the discussion" can sounds sort of intimidating and high stakes.

 

If it were me, I woud just sort of jump in when something happens and I feel I must. If she's correcting my son over my own voice I might just turn to her and say, "I'd like to handle this please."

 

She might not like it. And she might be someone who wants to have "the discussion" about it. But then (I know I am a cop-out wimp at time) I could say, "Yeah, I'm really sorry, I probably should have said that. I just felt like you were correcting my son over my own head, but I don't want this to be a problem, I love you, you're a great friend."

 

Agree with this. I've had to do this with my MIL - I think she thought she was helping but it only exasperated the situation.:glare:

[readwithem]

I

 

I think it would help to be *realistic*. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

This conversation is 1) needed and 2) going to be awkward.

 

 

 

True. Great advice.