My daughter is pugnacious & stinky.

[bettyandbob]

At one time I had a 13 yo boy who was taller, weighed more and was stronger than me. I am 5'8" and work out regularly--he his full size early for a boy. He never bathed. It was awful. He stank. We tried all kinds of stuff. Physically we could not make him so anyone here who wants to say I should have made him has no idea what's it's like. He stank up the car. He stank up every room. Odor emanated from his room.

 

If one of his activities had been swimming that would have helped tremendously. Required shower before practice.

 

ds had/has sensory issues. I'm sure that was part of the problem. We were also battling anxiety and probably depression. I so wanted to protect ds from his own destructive behavior and embarrassed, but I couldn't. Ultimately, the drum teachers at his studio refused to work with him (small sound proof rooms). You work up a sweat drumming. You do not need to start with an odor. And the other kids refused to do group rehearsals with him. When that happened he started to bath more often. But at that point the damage with his peer group at the music studio was done. I wish I could have stopped it, but looking back at all I tried I do not see anything I could have done otherwise. It still took a couple more years until the bathing became daily habit.

 

ds has had to learn the hard way about many things.

 

Anyway, I don't have advice. I just hope your dd gets through this phase quicker than my ds did.

[AK_Mom4]

... swim team, 3-4 hrs per week- and that we eat healthy so they've said not to worry.

 

We've bought her products she picks out with help. I wash her clothing so i can add a touch of bleach to help with the lingering smell. Shes really hard on her belongings and the stuff is quickly wrecked. I have a spray can aerosol i can lend her until we can get to the store again. But the budget can't keep up with all the replacements, really.

 

 

OK - some things that may be helpful for you:

 

1 - check the shoes. Baking soda is cheap and works magic if that's some of the smell source. We get that here when the kids have been swimming alot, especially the kid who puts on sneakers on wet feet.

 

2 - check the laundry. Vinegar in the load with her clothes will help cut the smell (and is another budget-friendly solution). Soap left in the clothes combined with normal sweat can produce very unpleasant BO, which may be a source of some of it.

 

3 - It's a pain, but wash her sheets at least twice a week - maybe every other day. Yeah, I know - more laundry. But if she sweats at night (and lots of kids do!) that may be contributing to the "long-lastingness" of the smell. I had one that I washed the sheets daily for about a year due to night sweats. Ick! And if the sheets don't smell good after they are washed, try vinegar with them too.

 

Some of that smell may be pool chemicals left in the hair after swim practice. If you can sweet-talk her into using shampoo after practice to "protect her hair from the nasty chemicals" or something, that may help. If not, maybe the budget can stretch next month to include a bottle of leave-in conditioner? That's an easy way to get "fresh" hair when it's already wet and you don't want to shower.

 

Hang in there. Tackle first the things that you can do to help the problem, then determine whether those changes have made it "good enough" to live with for a while. I'm with you - I wouldn't cut out swim practice because it's good for her and it is (sort of) getting her cleaner. But you may need to draw the line at her participating in other activities if she won't put on clean clothes before leaving the house. That's a tough one, but it's really a habit they need to get in for their own sake.

[unsinkable]

 

 

ds had/has sensory issues. I'm sure that was part of the problem. We were also battling anxiety and probably depression. I so wanted to protect ds from his own destructive behavior and embarrassed, but I couldn't. I wish I could have stopped it, but looking back at all I tried I do not see anything I could have done otherwise. It still took a couple more years until the bathing became daily habit.

 

ds has had to learn the hard way about many things.

 

 

 

((((Betty))))

 

You are a sweetheart and your honesty is so helpful.

[Amy in NH]

In our house every member of the family must take a shower at least once a day. It's non-negotiable.

I don't accept greasy hair, BO or dirty fingernails... at all! :ack2:

 

 

That is extreme. With the dry air around here, we'd all have severe skin conditions if we showered daily.

[I.Dup.]

I would keep her from swimming unless she took a full shower BEFORE she went. It's not fair to spread filth around in the pool for others. Maybe explain it that way to her?

[twoxcell]

A quick rinse and swimming in a pool does not keep someone clean. I have a ds on swim team so I know what I'm talking about here.(I have had to literally scrub my sons head before because he wasn't cleaning properly, and he is in the pool a minimum of 4hrs a week.) She needs to be washing with shampoo after getting out and doing a full rinse before getting in.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I reread the OP and I couldn't see how often she actually changes her clothes and showers or bathes. Changing clothes is a non-negotiable habit in our house. Showering adequately (and this is different in the summer vs. the winter and depending on the person) is non-negotiable. If she is changing clothes and is showering regularly (with soap and actually scrubbing) then I would take her to the doctor. Some people do have medical issues that cause problems of this sort. Making something non-negotiable doesn't have to be a big scene. It can be quite unmovable firmness. And I would make it a priority over other things.

[caitlinsmom]

So this isn't relevent to a girl but I get a chuckle about it anyway.

 

A friends son was in that same mode, not showering and just smelling funky all the time. He was about 9 and a total farm kid out in the muck and mud everyday. It finally got so bad that they decided to talk to him. The conversation went like this

 

Dad: Go take a shower

Son: I took one yesterday.

Dad: Doesn't matter go take a shower.

Son: I don't need to I took one yesterday

Dad: Go smell your balls...

Son: What!? Why would I do that?

Dad: Go do it then tell me if you need a shower

Son walks off mumbling disgusted comments. Speed walks back through 2 minutes later with clothes in hand.

Son: I'm going to take a shower.

 

:D Showering was never a problem again.

 

Depending on your dd's attitude and sense of humor you may be able to take a similar tactic. Good luck. I hate shower wars.

[justasque]

I have a few more thoughts - perhaps some of this could be helpful?

 

...I wash her clothing so i can add a touch of bleach to help with the lingering smell. Shes really hard on her belongings and the stuff is quickly wrecked.

I have a spray can aerosol i can lend her until we can get to the store again. But the budget can't keep up with all the replacements, really. ...

 

I'm not sure what you mean here. Are you replacing the clothes, or the deodorant/soap? By aerosol do you mean deodorant?

Does she have her own deodorant that she uses every day? If not, can you get her some? If so, maybe changing the brand would help?

If you can't afford it, is there some way you can juggle the budget to do so? Does she have a grandma or aunt would could buy her some for birthday and holiday gifts?

There is a difference between deodorant and anti-perspirant - she may need the anti-perspirant if she sweats a lot.

 

The odor wafting from her reeks of dirty clothing, old lady stale urine, dirty belly button, and a perfume floral smell. ... DH drove her home from an activity this week and he told me to do something about her BO. He had to crack the window in the middle of the winter because the smell was overwhelming in his car.

 

You might want to try to narrow down the source of the different smells.

 

If she's swimming frequently, and you're washing her clothes frequently, it seems a bit odd that she'd smell all *that* much. And I don't quite understand the urine smell - where is that coming from? (Clothes? Body?) Or the floral smell - is she using perfume?

 

Does her breath smell fruity? Is she peeing a lot? If so, then a visit to the doc is in order.

 

As others have suggested, wash her sheets on HOT at least weekly. Throw her pj's in at the same time.

Wash her towels - swim and bath - on HOT also. Swim suits need gentler care, but again they should be washed immediately after each practice, then hung to dry.

 

Are there clothes that aren't making it to the wash? Sweat pants kept in the swim bag, that kind of thing? Make sure the actual clothes she is wearing when you notice a smell get washed that night. I wash almost all teen clothes on HOT - it really does make a difference.

 

Also - take a look at your washer. Is it working right? Filling up the right amount, with the right temperature water, and agitating appropriately? Sometimes the part called the "agitator dogs" can wear down, so the wash doesn't get moved around properly and vigorously. Fortunately, this is a very cheap part - less than $10.

 

Certain fabrics retain smells much more than others. Polyester can take on a sweat or perfume smell, and it is extremely hard to remove, no matter how many times you wash it. Conversely, 100% cotton clothes can come clean from even cat urine or cigarette smoke after 4 or 5 vigorous washes in HOT water with a quality detergent. Consider fiber content when you buy clothes.

 

Are you using a quality detergent? I had to change mine a while back because the brand I'd used for years changed and no longer did a good job on the clothes. Make sure her clothes really smell clean and fresh before you put them away - if not, the problem is more than just her willingness to bathe.

 

Where is she storing her clothes? IKEA and other manufactured wood dressers can start to outgas, and the clothes stored in them can start to smell kind of funky. Make sure her closet, dresser, etc. are clean and smell fresh. Sometimes weeding out old clothes can make more room, so the ones that actually get worn aren't crowded. Also, make sure she is not putting clothes away when they are still damp. And don't let pets sleep or pee on them!!! (Hamster? Gerbil? Guinea pig?)

 

It sounds like her odor is the result of a variety of different things. Playing detective might help to solve the problem.

And again - the urine smell concerns me - do try to investigate, as it could indicate a physical problem (or a secret hamster!).

[MomtoCandJ]

I have noticed with my self that if I don't use clinical strength antiperspirant that sometimes my clothes in the pit area will smell like cat urine :( so that maybe part of the problem, I'm sure it my sweat reacting to whatever detergent/ fabric sheets I use and I use whatever happens to be on sale. Oh and it only occurs during a certain time of the month.

[goldberry]

Until about 12, I had to fight DD into the shower. (It is dry here and she has dry skin and hair, so this was only 2x per week, still had to fight). At about 12, she started getting obsessed with her hair, and showering because she didn't like her hair dirty. A few months ago she started her cycle, during which time she showered every day all on her own.

 

However, I STILL have to remind her to use deoderant. She is 14 years old, likes boys, likes fashion, makeup, etc, and STILL will "forget" to use deoderant. She had to pay for an extra deoderant to keep in the car for when she forgets on the way to go somewhere. *sigh* I don't really understand this, but pray that it will be resolved one day...

[swellmomma]

Another thing that I find helps with laundry freshness is borax. I put some in the wash with ds14's things, especially his work clothes. That smell of fast food combined with sweat etc eww and his nasty socks. THe borax helps eliminate any residual smells etc. Having their own selection of hygiene products is excellent too. My teens generally both use different products from me, with the exception that 3 times a week in the winter and twice a week in the summer they use my head and shoulders. Otherwise teen boy used all axe products, and teen girl uses her own scented stuff. I also require after they return from camps etc they use a proper bar of soap not a body wash because many body washes do not clean as well as a traditional bar of soap does. And it simply masks the odor for a while without actually killing off any of the smell causing bacteria. If she is using a bodywash she may be facing that same thing. They have so many added chemicals and stuff to moisturize the skin and smell fruity and whatever else. It's like using baby shampoo on an adults hair, just too mild to be truly effective for some. If she is using a body wash when she showers after swimming, have her switch to a regular bar of soap and see if it makes a difference. She will need to moisturize afterwards to avoid drying her skin out too much but may find much of the stink is gone. At least that is how it is here for me, and mine. I use a standard bar of soap on my feet and pits and body wash for everything else. Otherwise I can step out of the shower smelling the same as before I stepped in.

[Trilliums]

 

Yup I' m a bad mum because I can't reason with her, bully her, or just plain make her do it.

 

When she was little we did put her in, and teach her how to clean herself. Lots of time!

 

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Don't let the posts get to you! You were brave, imo, and posted about a tough situation you are trying to deal with. No one here is going through exactly what you are (some posts sounded pretty close ). People post from their own set of experiences and we really don't know all the details or things you have tried. What seems impossible to one parent is usually just because they haven't had the *opportunity* to experience it first hand.

 

 

I'd be reluctant to let peer pressure take its course. It could back fire and your daughter ends up resentful that you didn't step in sooner. The 12-13 age range was hard for my kids as well. We talked a lot about puberty and various bodily changes, but they were pretty open to the discussions. Could you provide her with some books or have a trusted friend discuss it with her? A coach maybe?

Can your DH take over the matter? Would that help maintain your relationship?

Can you give her written assignments/tasks including showering?

 

Good luck, and I hope you aren't turned off the boards. Lots of great advice and support is available here.

And I see on your profile gardening is an interest! YAY! we need more gardeners. :)

[Word Nerd]

Until about 12, I had to fight DD into the shower. (It is dry here and she has dry skin and hair, so this was only 2x per week, still had to fight). At about 12, she started getting obsessed with her hair, and showering because she didn't like her hair dirty. A few months ago she started her cycle, during which time she showered every day all on her own.

 

However, I STILL have to remind her to use deoderant. She is 14 years old, likes boys, likes fashion, makeup, etc, and STILL will "forget" to use deoderant. She had to pay for an extra deoderant to keep in the car for when she forgets on the way to go somewhere. *sigh* I don't really understand this, but pray that it will be resolved one day...

 

 

I have the same issue with my DD, who's 11. She showers and washes her hair regularly (it's harder for me to get her OUT of the shower in a reasonable time than to get her to bathe), but she forgets to use deodorant. She doesn't need it yet except when she's at basketball practice or PE, but I've been trying to encourage her to put it on every morning to get in the habit. She's so active in the summer, I'm sure she'll need it daily in a few months anyway.

 

OP, I read that they're revamping The Care and Keeping of You with new content. There will be one geared more toward girls 8-10 and another continuing where the first left off for older girls. It might be worthwhile to get one or both of them and talk about them with her. I would start all over with hygiene instruction and use an outside source (but not peer humiliation) if needed to help get the message across.

[elizabeth]

Please do not think you are a "bad parent," you asked for insight and suggestions. I will say this because you asked. Please have her urine checked as it sounds like a UTI or pre diabetic condition. If this is a new behaviour for ANY child be sure that they are not being approached by an adult/teen sexually. Many children especially females will use poor hygeine in an attempt to shield and protect themselves from someone who is trying to hurt them. I would not have said this had I not seen it many times before. Poor hygeine that is a "new" behaviour is a red flag that you need to gently ask if they are safe at school/activities and that nothing, nothing could ever make you stop loving them. I hate to raise this but no one else has. I hope it is a phase and one that you will muddle through. But your mother wisdom is talking to you, listen. Something is not right either with her health or safety. You put yourself on the line to ask for insight and solutions. That says quite a bit about how much you care for your girl. I hope her health is ok and of course her safety as well. Just needed to put the idea out there that new behaviour or sudden changes can and often do mean that gentle discussion needs to take place. It is tough to be a young person in this world. It always has been and always will be. Add gender to the equation and even more TLC is needed. Best wishes on figuring out a solution that both helps your daughter and strengthens your relationship as well.

[Mango]

Every pool I have ever been to requires a full shower before getting in the water, so she is probably getting at least three showers a week that way, right? If that is true, I would not take away swimming!

Yes, swim team showers keep things tolerable.

[Mango]

I have noticed with my self that if I don't use clinical strength antiperspirant that sometimes my clothes in the pit area will smell like cat urine :( so that maybe part of the problem, I'm sure it my sweat reacting to whatever detergent/ fabric sheets I use and I use whatever happens to be on sale. Oh and it only occurs during a certain time of the month.

Yup I steered her to the clinical strength deodorants. She picked out matching scents for shampoo, body wash and lotion -- Thank you Suave. Otherwise I'd still be standing in aisle at Walmart. I wasn't able to make it a mom daughter date so e v e r y b o d y, all 5 kids, have refilled their toiletry bags.

 

I think the cashier was snickering, 5 tooth pastes, 5 shampoos, 5 lotions, 5 body wash, 5 deodorants. . . .

 

This week is better. When the fun wears off that will be the test.

 

Oh yeah, we also got nail polish, lip gloss, and hair bling.

[MomtoCandJ]

Oh make sure she puts it on BEFORE BED, yeah I'm yelling because if she don't it won't work near as well. Tip learned that the hard way too

[Julie Smith]

If she has light blond hair she might want to know this.

 

I use to swim, a lot. When I was a little little kid I had bleach blond hair. Supposedly all the chemicals in the pool made my hair turn a light lime green.