I need perspective.

[laughing lioness]

I am really having a hard time with certain family members whom I have raised, homeschooled and invested in. I am really, really disapointed in their choices - they are lazy. Really, seriously, stinking lazy -relationally, financially, socially, etc. They are making BAD choices. Yes, they are going to be responsible for the outcome in the end. But they have lied to me and are secretive because they don't want to hear from us- "we are not supportive".dh who has been sick for 6 weeks, working p..t, taking more and more meds, we are now on an Anti-fungal diet and going through food (all veggies and protien) at the speed of sound (more $ outflow).

 

I am sick of being tied in a knot over it. How do I just let them go? It is hard to think that homeschoooling "works" - they have blown off opportunities, $, ed....I could cry over how flippant they are about stuff handed to them, and how much they've had that they don't appreciate and just don't embrace or take with gratitude. Lost opportunities.

 

I need some perspective.

[kewb]

Ithey are lazy. Really, seriously, stinking lazy -relationally, financially, socially, etc. They are making BAD choices. Yes, they are going to be responsible for the outcome in the end. But they have lied to me and are secretive because they don't want to hear from us- "we are not supportive".dh who has been sick for 6 weeks, working p..t, taking more and more meds, we are now on an Anti-fungal diet and going through food (all veggies and protien) at the speed of sound (more $ outflow).

 

I am sick of being tied in a knot over it. How do I just let them go? It is hard to think that homeschoooling "works" - they have blown off opportunities, $, ed....I could cry over how flippant they are about stuff handed to them, and how much they've had that they don't appreciate and just don't embrace or take with gratitude. Lost opportunities.

 

I need some perspective.

 

 

The lazy thing may or may not be a result of homeschooling. Nature vs Nurture and all that. As a people we have extended adolescence way into the 20's so what you are seeing may be part of finding themselves and learning some of lifes lessons that hard way. I look back on some of my youthful decisions and cringe in a big way. Sometimes we need to get banged around by life to learn to appreciate what we have.

 

Plus, all of your pereptions are colored by what you and your dh are going through healthwise. As frustrating as it is try to focus on the health and let your kids learn from their mistakes.

[MomatHWTK]

Do you really see child rearing as an investment with expected returns? (I'm wondering if that's just common phrasing and not your true meaning.) If you are currently looking at the situaiton as one of a soured investment, I think that is where I would start to change perspective. Children are a gift, we can learn from them and through raising them, we can give to them and take joy in knowing them. But it can sometimes be a thankless act of sacrifice to raise them.

 

No one can predit the future or control the end actions of another, so to perceive the work put into child rearing as an investment will probably always end with a few investors being disappointed with the returns.

[forevergrace]

Lisa~ I'm sorry for what you are going through! This really is

a difficult time compounded by your dh being ill. I am also having

the most difficult time w/both my adult daughter and youngest daughter.

I don't know if that helps to know that your not alone~~I hope it does.

A friend sent this to me this morning to inspire me:

 

"Setting My Own Course"

 

Today I will realize that I am powerless over other people's expectations of me.

 

I will think about what I want and consider that how I respond to others' needs will affect the course of my life.

 

I will own my own power and choose the course that's right for me.

 

Thinking of you!

 

 

[MommyThrice]

Lisa,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I won't preach at you because I certainly wouldn't have taken on this homeschooling task - at this level of diligence, anyway - if I thought there wasn't going to be a return on my investments... brilliant, mature, loving, productive adult children. I now know that was naive, but most of us didn't realize that when we signed up!

 

We were just discussing today how we tend to do the right thing for what WE get out of it. I don't know if you're a believer or not (we were reading Ecclesiastes) but, either way, it is much easier make the right choices if you think you will receive a reward for it, whether that reward comes from God or from another person being influenced by your good/kind/loving behavior. I know I need to look at what I am pouring into my children as something I am doing for THEM, not for ME. But I really don't want to look at it that way because, again, I didn't think that was "the deal".

 

As sad as it is, it sometimes helps me to remember that I was the most thankless, disrespectful, self-absorbed teen that ever walked the face of the earth and I made some really stupid decisions. I did eventually grow up, become semi-respectable, and thankful for what I have, but it took until well into my 20's. Life is messy and I HATE THAT!!! I am a perfectionist... maybe you are a perfectionist, too?

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[laughing lioness]

Do you really see child rearing as an investment with expected returns?

 

Idk, do I? I just thought more values would stick than they have. I just thought the relationships would be more imporant than they are. I thought I was investing in people and there would be some return on that- in terms of having relationships with these people for the long haul. And now..um. no. And it's not that I think today is the end of the story, but the decisions they are making, the words that they are using, their attitudes and behavior are tanking things with us- as far as I can understand it (and other family members w/ objectivity) - and our other children, in a way that is deliberate, hurtful, personal and on purpose.

[swimmermom3]

Idk, do I? I just thought more values would stick than they have. I just thought the relationships would be more imporant than they are. I thought I was investing in people and there would be some return on that- in terms of having relationships with these people for the long haul. And now..um. no. And it's not that I think today is the end of the story, but the decisions they are making, the words that they are using, their attitudes and behavior are tanking things with us- as far as I can understand it (and other family members w/ objectivity) - and our other children, in a way that is deliberate, hurtful, personal and on purpose.

 

 

:grouphug: Lisa, I am so sorry. You have been given a lot of good advice and wise words, but I sense that perhaps the road has already been long, maybe too long and that you have already "gone to the well" to the point of it being nearly drained.

 

If you were on a long walking trip, there would be points in that journey where you would rest a moment on a rock or take a quick nap in the grass. In the most difficult years of my dd's depression, I learned how to at points, "disengage." This means for a brief period of time, you find a way to step out of the mental strain or even physical strain. Sometimes you have to do it for your own health and sanity. I am much better now at saying, "There are parts of this relationship, conversation, situation that confuse me; I am going to take a bit of time to mull things over and will not not discuss or do anything else until I have done so." This is my way of resting on the rock. It has taken a lot of practice, but I find that as I get older, it is far more necessary. I make better decisions too when I can temporarily disengage from a volatile or hurtful situation.

 

You and your family are in my best wishes.

 

It is indeed, hard to be the parent of an "adult child" - for often that is exactly what they are.

[swimmermom3]

Oh, Lisa, honey, my heart hurts for you.

 

Somehow, even when I know the hurtful words aren't meant, they wound me more deeply than I knew anything could. (Lear has a different significance than it did pre- teenage/YA kids)

 

Figuring out how to disengage is key.

 

I find it helpful, in all my relationships, to remember that people are hurtful when they are hurting, they push us away when they are scared, or feel threatened/insecure/unsafe, or are in a self- loathing place...or are in some other unhealthy, unhappy emotional space.

 

Sometimes that is something broken in the actual relationship, sometimes it is external, but reframing the lashing out as cries of pain, remembering that often communication, even negative has a positive intent, however well buried, and focusing on the relationship pieces I can change keep my reactions more constructive. ...and, although being the safe place for painful things to be unleashed is...unpleasant, it is often an expression of trust, at least with younger kids.

 

 

 

What can often make the hurtful words the young people in our lives speak even more painful, is that they often seem to forget they ever spoke them. Twenty-four hours after telling you they hate you and that you have ruined their life, they want to borrow the car keys and complain about their chemistry class. In our culture, hurful words are cheap coin. I try to remind myself that articulating fears, emotions, and needs in a constructive, respectful, yet effective manner is a skill that takes much practice, not unlike learning to write a solid essay. Teens and young adults are often like neophyte essayists when it comes to telling you how they really feel or what is at the root of the problem. They lack the emotional maturity, the vocabulary, and the logic skills.

 

This process of "reframing" is one of the best ways I know to "disengage. I can travel a long way utilizing this process, but I also know that I have my limits.

 

Lisa, I don't know if a counselor has been a part of this process or if it is even a possibility, but a good family counselor can help you find some solutions as well as some peace with the situation.

[Anne in CA]

I am sorry. I invested so much in my oldest, and she is not making any choices I like. However, she is only 24 and she has lots of time to make different choices. I don't feel she owes me. I do feel owed respect from all my children and I do not think they are respectful enough all the time. Sometimes I give grace when they are disrespectful, sometimes I Call them on it. I work in downtown Portland and there used to be three categories of homeless teenagers. Gay or lesbian teens who were thrown out of the house, mentally impaired young people who had ended up outside the system, or ugly rebellious Satan worshiper/ skinhead types. In the last three years I am seeing more and more young people who clearly had good educations and decent families, they just prefer not working and surfing over society, living on what they can hustle. It seems to be something in the air. No teenager saw the value of hard work modeled in popular culture, maybe that is part of the problem, maybe not. The lazy problem is definitely bigger than your family, if that makes you feel any better at all.

[laughing lioness]

Thank you all for your kind, gracious perspective and challenging questions. I appreciate you all so much. I am taking in what you've said and I'm working on growing beyond myself. Egads, it's hard.

 

Dh is better than he's been in weeks- 2 days on the diet- so that is HUGE. An R.N. client of dh's said that she thought he probably had walking pneumonia - it's rampant in the city dh works in- but it's not picked up by x-ray. What a relief! He has been so worried that it's chronic fatigue taking over his life again.

 

Again, thanks- I just couldn't cope alone with the voices in my head -kwim?

[goldberry]

So sorry for what you are going through. DD is only 13, but I have begun the process of realizing no matter how much parenting I do, she will still be who she is. I have seen two close friend/family situations where parents worked so hard, and provided a loving, stable home environment modeling strong values...and two kids who just jumped off the deep end. :( It's heartbreaking to think it might not make any difference...just how can that be??

 

And yes, of course we are "invested" in our children, it would be impossible not to be, pouring in that much energy and emotion. The only thing I can think is that regardless of the outcome, it's still the right thing to do, to work that hard to be the best parents we can. The sad truth is that in this world, sometimes the right thing doesn't always get rewarded. If you are a person of faith, you take comfort in knowing that God still sees that you did your best.

 

:grouphug:

[Maverick_Mom]

It is hard to think that homeschoooling "works"

 

 

 

This stood out to me. I understand so much of what you posted. I look back at all the years and the hard work and ask myself why things turned out the way they did. Wasn't homeschooling supposed to be different? Isn't the homeschooling world full of examples of how it IS different? I get that no mom / teacher is perfect, I get that children have free will and get to make choices. But when you've been committed and you've put in a good-faith effort, and the results take the form of your child thumbing your nose at you and your values ... well, at best it feels like rejection, and at worst it feels like failure.

 

I think sometimes we subconsciously (or maybe not) assume that there's a guarantee in this homeschooling thing. If you are willing to make the sacrifice to homeschool, and if by all appearances it's the right thing for your child, and if you give it your best ... voila! -- you end up with a poster child for homeschooling! And if you don't ... well, there's no advice for that, because if anyone else is in your shoes, she's not admitting it.

 

But thank you for being so honest so that I could, too.

[MomatHWTK]

Ahh... we went into homeschooling for health reasons. So a positive outcome for me was keeping DS alive (literally). Any other good to come out of it will be a bonus. ;)

 

I've always been a pessimist. And I was one of those kids that didn't turn out the way my parents hoped for quite awhile. :glare: I will be disappointed if my kids totally go some other direction that I'd hoped when the are older, but I guess I am hedging my bets by not becoming too invested. KWIM?

 

Given everything that is going on in your life, it might be time to circle the wagons and take care of those who will appreciate it. :grouphug:

[Mommyfaithe]

I am really having a hard time with certain family members whom I have raised, homeschooled and invested in. I am really, really disapointed in their choices - they are lazy. Really, seriously, stinking lazy -relationally, financially, socially, etc. They are making BAD choices. Yes, they are going to be responsible for the outcome in the end. But they have lied to me and are secretive because they don't want to hear from us- "we are not supportive".dh who has been sick for 6 weeks, working p..t, taking more and more meds, we are now on an Anti-fungal diet and going through food (all veggies and protien) at the speed of sound (more $ outflow).

 

I am sick of being tied in a knot over it. How do I just let them go? It is hard to think that homeschoooling "works" - they have blown off opportunities, $, ed....I could cry over how flippant they are about stuff handed to them, and how much they've had that they don't appreciate and just don't embrace or take with gratitude. Lost opportunities.

 

I need some perspective.

 

 

 

< hugs>. I hear you loud and clear....having many of the same issues with my adult people...and sometimes my teens. Maybe the result of homeschooling creates selfish, lazy people who think the entire world revolves around them....and will bow to their needs and desires...deadlines...etc. maybe it is a terrible result. My kids have had great academic experiences....and are close to one another....but, GEE WHIZ!!!! They can be very negative, secretive and selfish! I thought it was my bad parenting skills, But I see the same result in my BFF 's kids who were also hs'ed and in my sil's kids.....also hs'ed. Maybe we just suck as parents.....

 

I have been working all this out in my head since my oldest started college....so that is now 8 years.....and I just DO.NOT.GET.IT!!!!! Maybe this needs a Hive therapist or something.....

 

I am sending you hugs and more hugs!!!! We have been on this road together for a loooooonnnnggg time, and I still believe in homeschooling, but if I can do something differently for my younger crew....and help some younger moms avoid this particular heartbreak, I would be happy to hear any and all suggestions you get.

[Mommyfaithe]

 And if you don't ... well, there's no advice for that, because if anyone else is in your shoes, she's not admitting it.

 

 

 

 

Oh, I am admitting it....LOUD AND CLEAR!!!!!

[Mommyfaithe]

 

 

Idk, do I? I just thought more values would stick than they have. I just thought the relationships would be more imporant than they are. I thought I was investing in people and there would be some return on that- in terms of having relationships with these people for the long haul. And now..um. no. And it's not that I think today is the end of the story, but the decisions they are making, the words that they are using, their attitudes and behavior are tanking things with us- as far as I can understand it (and other family members w/ objectivity) - and our other children, in a way that is deliberate, hurtful, personal and on purpose.

 

Yep, it totally baffles me beyond my ability to say.....buzz off!!! I have told my older kids that I have lived long enough and paid enough dues that I do NOT have to be around grown up people...even ones I have birthed and raised .....who make me feel badly about myself or are rude, nasty or otherwise offensive to me or my children. So, if they can't be civilized, kind and polite....they can just stay away. They are not required at family functions or gatherings or to help in any way....just don't expect the Calvary to come running in when they need help. Relationships with adults come in 2 directions. So, I told them to pull up their big kid bloomers and act like adults in a lasting relationship....or buzz off. They must have thought I meant it....because they do have a new view of who I am.....but it still hurts.

My 2nd dd is not in this crowd....nor my 2nd ds. Their temperaments are so different than dd1, ds1 and dd 3. Maybe it is a personality thing....I am not sure.....but, I am at a point in my life where I need to surround myself with positive thinking.....and happy people. I have given my older kids every advantage I could think of....and I was their cheerleader, shrink, teacher and mommy.....it is now their turn to grab onto their own lives and do something with them.....with or without me in the mix. I sickens me that some of my kids will choose to turn their backs to their family.....but, I am at a point where I know that may be the scenario......

 

Again....more hugs....I know I sure need them!!!!

~~Faithe

[Twigs]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[J-rap]

I'm sorry you are going through this. For what it's worth, I've seen my sister's children go through years of being lazy, ungrateful, and rude (one of them said "I hate you" to my sister nearly every day for years). My sister didn't have energy to deal with it, or kick them out, or try and teach them a thing or two (she was a single parent, going to school, and working full-time for many years). Instead, she simply remained her same true, warm, gentle, loving, faithful, reliable, honest, prayerful soul, and one by one, her three boys (now 34, 32, and 26) are settling down, becoming decent, kind, gentle adults, and are very caring for their mother. Her youngest hasn't quite gotten there yet, but he's getting there; he's much better than he was.

 

I've read that Saint Augustine's mother didn't know what else to do for her son -- who was not living a good life -- but to pray for him. She prayed for him for 30 years, and eventually he came around. :)

[forevergrace]

I think the "I hate you" was the worse statement dd(13) said to me. It seems to be a common statement that these children make. I didn't homeschool dd(26) I had to work. I really thought homeschooling my next child would help ensure she would grow into loving person. It is and has been different, challenging, wonderful, crazy, and frustrating. Homeschooling has also binded us together in whole different way.

 

I know one is never suppose to favor one child more than another, and I do feel guilt about

it. However, dd(26) put dh and I through such pain. I thought for a whole year she was dead, and the toll that placed on dd(13) and dh was devasting. Also, I never spent the time w/dd(26) that I did by homeschooling dd(13). My point is; I really thought things would be different w/dd(13)!! Now, I realize it is just a different set of problems, but how it hurts at a whole new level.

 

DD(13), went back to school for about two-years, due to the battling of doing her work at home. She loved it and thrived. I felt abandoned at first, but watching her blossom, and become this unique

young lady was amazing. Her teachers remarked at how well adjusted she was, how polite and mannerly, etc. I started to have a life!!!!! After I let go, and let things happen.

 

As you can imagine, God has other plans!!!! DD's school suffered due to unwise money management.

Teachers that I grew found of and trusted began to leave through out the school year. Finally I had to move dd into a different school. That lasted for three weeks, and she wanted to be homeschooled. I did not want to go that route again, but knowing her and seeing things fall apart around her I decided I would do it. This was against Dh thoughts, he remembered the arguing and fighting. However, he said he would support my decision.

 

Two-weeks into it, and I soooo regret it. The constant nagging for her to do her work, hand her work

in, do her chores, get up for school in the morning. She certainly was not like this at school. The sloppy half-done work, rolling eyes, the "I hate yous", slamming doors, the "I'm ruining her life"!!!!

 

Friends tell me that the real test of a child is how they are outside the home, and of course they will say things in the home because they feel safe. I don't know what to do or think at this point.

I do feel trapped, resentful, sad and angry at any given point in the day. I don't like the way she talks to me! Most importantly, I was just figuring out what I wanted to do w/me!! (I know that is selfish).

~~Kim (forevergrace)

[laughing lioness]

I think part of what I am struggling iwth is that I had no idea that launching/adult children would be the most difficult part of parenting. It's sure been a time of re-evaluating on so many levels. We're not that old and we're both feeling pretty weary.

I'm sorry for each of you that are struggling with your kids- I'm thinking of you and saying a prayer for you today. Thank-you for sharing you own struggles- I hate that you are going through them, but honestly, selfishly, I am so relieved to know that I'm not alone.

I'm working at releasing my kids and loving them (though it is so limited given where we live- how they have chosen to interact)

[Sunshine State Sue]

:grouphug:

 

I have an acquaintance who homeschooled her 5 children. The oldest 2 went to PS for high school (no CC dual enrollment at the time). The youngest 3 dual enrolled at CC starting in 10th grade.

 

My ds started puberty around the same time as her middle child went off to Georgia Tech after getting his AA degree at the same time as his high school diploma. At uni, he discovered girls and booze. While I complained about my 13yo, she would tell me about her 19yo. She told me that it was so hard because they are adults now, they need to make their own decisions, she had to let them make their own decisions, but they don't make good decisions. I remember her telling me that she had told some of her kids, during phone conversations, that she really didn't want to hear about xyz - it was better that she didn't know. That same son graduated with a degree in Industrial Engineering. He worked for a few years in his field and eventually wanted to go on to graduate school. His grades at uni were not good enough for him to get into the school he wanted or get the financial aid that he might otherwise have had had he made better decisions...

 

Looking back on my young adult days, at 26, I was living with a guy who barely had a high school diploma. I never had any intention of marrying this guy. He had lost his job after a car accident that resulted in a brain injury. I don't remember if he was ever gainfully employed while we were together. I know he was collecting unemployment and wasn't really looking for a job. I woke up one day and thought, What in the world am I doing? I extricated myself (not very diplomatically) from the situation and have since made much wiser decisions. I personally think that the brain has a lot to do with it.

 

Brain Maturity Extends Well Beyond Teen Years

 

When it comes to my own ds, he's only 17, but I am disappointed because I thought by homeschooling we would have a better relationship. The "books" say that the family will be closer. All I know is that my mere presence irritates ds. I don't think that is unusual at his age. It just doesn't seem as common in the other hs'ing families (with boys) that I know. The acquaintance I mentioned above tells me that males do reconnect around age 25.

 

You are definitely not alone... :grouphug:

[Tullia]

I am really having a hard time with certain family members whom I have raised, homeschooled and invested in. I am really, really disapointed in their choices - they are lazy. Really, seriously, stinking lazy -relationally, financially, socially, etc. They are making BAD choices. Yes, they are going to be responsible for the outcome in the end. But they have lied to me and are secretive because they don't want to hear from us- "we are not supportive".dh who has been sick for 6 weeks, working p..t, taking more and more meds, we are now on an Anti-fungal diet and going through food (all veggies and protien) at the speed of sound (more $ outflow).

 

I am sick of being tied in a knot over it. How do I just let them go? It is hard to think that homeschoooling "works" - they have blown off opportunities, $, ed....I could cry over how flippant they are about stuff handed to them, and how much they've had that they don't appreciate and just don't embrace or take with gratitude. Lost opportunities.

 

I need some perspective.

 

 

:grouphug: It is hard to disengage, but sometimes it's necessary. If it helps any with the homeschooling aspect I've heard similar accounts from parents who did not home school. My son went through a phase where he had to work through some issues regarding independence and it was difficult--very difficult. As he explained it to me at one point with a grin--it was partly a matter "familiarity breeds contempt"--he was overstating and after thinking about it for awhile, I decided to take the statement for what it was worth and not be offended. Fortunately, we had that discussion at a time when I was able to take it well. I do think, based on my own experience with my son and his friends, that the process of emerging as an adult may look different to us as home school parents because home schooling is different in some important ways.

 

I think, too, there are larger cultural factors at work for most young people today which frame their challenges in a different way than for their parents or grandparents. A friend recommended a book called "The Fourth Turning" several years ago. I don't accept all of the authors' premises 100%, but their proposition that each generation faces different challenges which in turn sets off inter-generational tensions makes sense to me. History is only tidy and comprehensible when it's written up in history books. Living through history as a participant is messy and confusing so, for me, one of the most attractive features of classical education is having an opportunity for introducing our students to that which is of enduring value and which transcends present circumstances. The hard part is sending them out on their own after investing so much time and effort--even in the best of circumstances it's bittersweet.

[Wildiris]

I am really having a hard time with certain family members whom I have raised, homeschooled and invested in. I am really, really disapointed in their choices - they are lazy. Really, seriously, stinking lazy -relationally, financially, socially, etc. They are making BAD choices. Yes, they are going to be responsible for the outcome in the end. But they have lied to me and are secretive because they don't want to hear from us- "we are not supportive".dh who has been sick for 6 weeks, working p..t, taking more and more meds, we are now on an Anti-fungal diet and going through food (all veggies and protien) at the speed of sound (more $ outflow).

 

I am sick of being tied in a knot over it. How do I just let them go? It is hard to think that homeschoooling "works" - they have blown off opportunities, $, ed....I could cry over how flippant they are about stuff handed to them, and how much they've had that they don't appreciate and just don't embrace or take with gratitude. Lost opportunities.

 

I need some perspective.

 

 

The perspective you may need to embrace is that your young adults are separate from you and the expectations you held for so long of who or what you hoped they might be/become no longer fits the situation.

 

Like your family and thousands of other parents, we do what we think is best for our kids. We provide them with opportunities. We give to them 110% of ourselves in the hopes that in the process of growing up they learn to make sound decisions, that they don't fall prey to drugs and abuse. We want them to flurish. I don't think your disappointment has anything to do with whether you homeschooled your kids or sent them to public school. Maybe, perhaps you're helping your young adults too much.

 

I don't think adult kids are going to tell you everything. In fact, I think they sheild you from the worst of their bungles.

 

As my kids have become adults I've found I needed to make clear boundaries for them, and I've had to be kinda mean about it. I found that if I didn't clearly state my expectations, I would feel taken advantage. I don't want to feel like that.

 

The "we are not supportive" is what DH and I call being worked by the kids. If the kids aren't in school getting good grades with a plan for the future that they are actively pursuing, then the funds don't flow.

[texasmama]

:grouphug: This is the middle of the story, mama, not the end. :grouphug:

[Gwen in VA]

I think part of what I am struggling iwth is that I had no idea that launching/adult children would be the most difficult part of parenting.

 

Yup. Our society talks a lot about the terrible two's and very very little about the challenges of launching young adults.

 

The perspective you may need to embrace is that your young adults are separate from you and the expectations you held for so long of who or what you hoped they might be/become no longer fits the situation.

 

YES! I have found that letting go of "my" dreams for my kids and embracing theirs to be quite a challenge. Letting go of our dreams so they can live their own lives is something that we parents have to do, though, even though we may not always agree with their dreams and aspirations.

 

This is the middle of the story, mama, not the end.

 

What a great reminder -- I love this!

[Deb in NZ]

I think with HSing & parenting in general, we need to look at our investments (financial, physical, emotional, etc.) as long-term investments, not short-term investments. The early adult years (age 16+) are rocky years for everyone as they begin to chart their own course in life, not follow what we have laid out for them. Dd just sailed off (literally :p ) & while I enjoyed the past 2 months of having her home, I am relieved to have some of the stresses she brought home from uni with her gone. Dh & ds#1 seem always to be fueding ATM. Dh says that ds#1 is lazy, etc. but when I look at what ds#1 does do work-wise, helping around the house, etc., he is doing heaps more & without complaint than most of my friends' kids who are the same age. Given the time to fully mature & grow into the people that they are destined to be, I have faith that we will be pleased with our investments.

:grouphug:

[dbmamaz]

couldnt read every post, but i relate! my dd 20 moved to my mom's house last week, where she in enrolled in an outpatient mental health program . . . i am so grateful my mom took her because I was DONE! she has made bad choice after bad choice and blames me for all of them, and just a few days before she left was cussing me out for absolutely no reason. I dont really want to see her again for a long time.

 

My dd is a lot like my sister (who I have not spoken to for over 2 year) My mom said that her relationship with my sister improved when my sister hit 30. IMO, tho, my sister still makes terrible decisions.

 

life is so hard! We have to do our best and live by our beliefs and let the chips fall where they may.

[lllll]

..

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: its hard. we have two in their late twenties, and two teens. for the oldest, the hardest time was the summer after second year university. for the next, the hardest part was from age 14-25. the second one taught me the importance of clear boundaries. we are still in relationship because of them. i now wish i'd drawn two of those boundaries differently, but what is done is done. both are employed full time, both at jobs they love. one makes enough to live well, the other makes enough to survive. when we financially supporting them, we felt we had a right and obligation to require some level of results. ie. if we pay for college, you do actually go to class and you do actually try to do well.... that is what we are "paying" for. if you don't do one or the other, then that's you choosing to work.

 

raising kids is a bit like giving gifts. we put time and thought and energy into selecting a gift, we give it.... and then its up to the giver what they do with it. sometimes that's hard to watch. but it was our gift to give, and we gave it.

 

:grouphug:

ann