If you were in my shoes

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Well, my really radical idea is so extreme it might get me flamed off the boards, but here goes:

 

I think Jane should consider daycare (or MDO/babysitters) for the little one AND public school for the older children. Just for a little while, maybe a semester, to see if the chaos calms down with those structures and helps in place. We can lose ourselves in all this constant childcare and homeschooling, until we are depressed, burned out, and unable to see the forest for the trees. Moms are people, too. Moms need to clean the house, exercise, have coffee with a friend, sleep...people can't go without breaks forever.

 

I wouldn't see it as "giving the children away" or "letting other people raise the children" or whatever inflammatory language homeschoolers sometimes use for availing themselves of child-minding and educational services that the rest of society consider normal. I would see it as being on an airplane that might crash and putting one's own oxygen mask on before putting the children's masks on. Motherhood is a long-term proposition. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

 

Regroup. Recharge. Then try for the ideal again.

[Scarlett]

Well, my really radical idea is so extreme it might get me flamed off the boards, but here goes:

 

I think Jane should consider daycare (or MDO/babysitters) for the little one AND public school for the older children. Just for a little while, maybe a semester, to see if the chaos calms down with those structures and helps in place. We can lose ourselves in all this constant childcare and homeschooling, until we are depressed, burned out, and unable to see the forest for the trees. Moms are people, too. Moms need to clean the house, exercise, have coffee with a friend, sleep...people can't go without breaks forever.

 

I wouldn't see it as "giving the children away" or "letting other people raise the children" or whatever inflammatory language homeschoolers sometimes use for availing themselves of child-minding and educational services that the rest of society consider normal. I would see it as being on an airplane that might crash and putting one's own oxygen mask on before putting the children's masks on. Motherhood is a long-term proposition. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

 

Regroup. Recharge. Then try for the ideal again.

 

That is a radical suggestion, but I can see merit in it.

 

It seems like Jane won't need the older ones to be in school if the baby is in daycare part of the week....but it would give her a much needed break. A semester 'off' and she would feel like a whole new woman. And Mom.

[fairfarmhand]

Well, my really radical idea is so extreme it might get me flamed off the boards, but here goes:

 

I think Jane should consider daycare (or MDO/babysitters) for the little one AND public school for the older children. Just for a little while, maybe a semester, to see if the chaos calms down with those structures and helps in place. We can lose ourselves in all this constant childcare and homeschooling, until we are depressed, burned out, and unable to see the forest for the trees. Moms are people, too. Moms need to clean the house, exercise, have coffee with a friend, sleep...people can't go without breaks forever.

 

I wouldn't see it as "giving the children away" or "letting other people raise the children" or whatever inflammatory language homeschoolers sometimes use for availing themselves of child-minding and educational services that the rest of society consider normal. I would see it as being on an airplane that might crash and putting one's own oxygen mask on before putting the children's masks on. Motherhood is a long-term proposition. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

 

Regroup. Recharge. Then try for the ideal again.

 

If I couldn't figure out how to make it work better with youngest in daycare for a few hours daily, this is what I would do.

[catz]

Well, my really radical idea is so extreme it might get me flamed off the boards, but here goes:

 

I think Jane should consider daycare (or MDO/babysitters) for the little one AND public school for the older children. Just for a little while, maybe a semester, to see if the chaos calms down with those structures and helps in place. We can lose ourselves in all this constant childcare and homeschooling, until we are depressed, burned out, and unable to see the forest for the trees. Moms are people, too. Moms need to clean the house, exercise, have coffee with a friend, sleep...people can't go without breaks forever.

 

I wouldn't see it as "giving the children away" or "letting other people raise the children" or whatever inflammatory language homeschoolers sometimes use for availing themselves of child-minding and educational services that the rest of society consider normal. I would see it as being on an airplane that might crash and putting one's own oxygen mask on before putting the children's masks on. Motherhood is a long-term proposition. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

 

Regroup. Recharge. Then try for the ideal again.

 

I posted essentially the same thing on a previous page. I think it's really important for the OP to find a way to reconnect with her sanity for herself and for the health of her kids too. Nothing is permanent.

[plain jane]

I do want to note that I probably made it sound like my life is going to h3ck in a handbasket. It's not really. I have made great strides in my health and am doing far better in terms of overcoming past difficulties. I do come here for support and to vent frustration and so that may seem like that's all there is to my life. This isn't the case. I simply don't share the good stuff as I don't need "support" for that, if that makes sense.

 

That said, this LO is a real problem for me at this time. Past issues aside, which I am being very honest, are being dealt with, I don't know how to overcome this one obstacle. I seem to be stuck between choosing to look after a rambunctious toddler or educating my older kids. I have not been able to accomplish both.

 

My life is not so crazy that the kids are not eating proper meals or everything is upside down all the time. That is why I spend so much time tidying and cleaning- so that everything isn't in utter chaos and it is more "normal" for the other kids.

 

We eat good, healthy, regular (ok, well gluten, dairy, egg, whatever else free) meals and maintain regularity to our lives. The kids are in numerous outside activities and attend regularly and on time. ;)

 

I have regular nights where I get out with girlfriends and I do have time set aside each evening when dh takes the kids and I have an hour to so something for me. It used to be I planned school but lately I've been too worn out and, well, down with how behind they are that I am usually listening to an audio book or sometimes I do just veg and play on the iPad to regroup. I know I should be spending that time doing school work and planning but I've realized my limitations and have been trying to focus on my health and taking care of me. Dh and I also spend at least an hour each night just the two of us. We've made it a priority for months now and it has stuck.

 

My big issue is that during the days I have no help and it's crazy. I can't do both school and baby and it's been really difficult for me to accept that. Thousands of other families do it and it's not a good feeling to know I am failing so miserably at something that used to be a lot more simple.

 

I'll be talking to dh and going over the suggestions in this thread to see what will work best for everyone at this time. It may be that the baby goes to some sort of care program, or maybe a miracle person will step up and come to my house for a few hours per day, and perhaps I may put some of the older kids in school. I don't know quite yet what the solution is but I'm working towards getting there.

 

I'm just so exasperated because most days it feels that nobody understands. I know 2 people who have had similar toddlers but they were their first/only and they didn't have the other issues I face daily. Or, I have families that have lots of kids to homeschool but have angelic toddlers. I can't seem to relate to anyone and it leaves me feeling very alienated, and frankly, that drags me down. Yes I do despair, and yesterday was one of those days. Life here is very far from my ideal but it isn't a complete cr@p shoot. :)

 

Obviously there are some big issues, I'm not downplaying that. I should be able to handle things better during the day. I'm not. I'll freely admit that. I just don't want everyone to start thinking things are so insane that I'm in danger of neglecting the kids or doing something regrettable. I am deeply frustrated and sad at this point WRT how things are with this LO. It's not the LO's fault. it's all mine. And yes, I failed to take into consideration how adding just one more child could impact my family. I had no idea. Nothing could have prepared me for this.

[plain jane]

And thank you to everyone. You've all been very kind. I'm sure many of you held back from what you really wanted to say to me, and frankly, I appreciate that. I'm not in a place to face the wrath of the Hive ATM. :tongue_smilie:

[5LittleMonkeys]

I don't like your analogy: A half-day daycare is not akin to boarding school. I bristle at the idea that a mother *must* be with her young children 24 hours a day or she is somehow offloading mothering on others.

 

 

That's not what I was saying at all. I just know, and I think others will agree with me, that although this may provide immediate relief Jane still needs to consider how to incorporate his high needs into the lifestyle she wants to have (her kids at home being homeschooled). If she has a history of band-aiding problems...which I don't know she does but from what others have stated here there is a history of feeling overwhelmed and of feeling she isn't providing her dc with the education they need...she needs to stop the cycle of just surviving and be pro-active in making lasting changes.

 

I don't have a problem with daycare as a temporary situation, I don't have a problem with putting dc into ps if you feel that is best for them, again that can be temporary. What I do have a problem with is Jane thinking that she can't parent this child AND educate her children at home. What happens if this child ends up always being a high needs child? Is her dream of homeschooling forever gone unless she sends him to daycare for the next 3 years and then to ps so she can educate the other kids at home? I don't want that for her so I'm trying to be realistic and get her to see that she will never be successful unless she changes her attitude, becomes proactive and takes charge of making her dream a reality.

 

Now, if Jane wants to tell us that after consideration she's realized that her priorities have changed and that she is 100% sure that ps will be the absolute best thing for her kids and that she is completely happy and content with that decision, then I'll shut up. If Jane wants to tell us that she has given the attempt to train him to be a bit more compliant her 100%, and has really tried as hard as she could to fulfill his needs while homeschooling, and it still won't work, then I'll have to trust that she really, really, gave it everything she has to no avail and I'll shut up. I have a feeling though that Jane can dig down a bit deeper, rally her family, lean on the support of others, and actually accomplish her goals.

[windmillmarie]

I am going to send you a big hug because I am dealing with a similar toddler issue, but my oldest children are in a public school. One of DH's arguements against me bringing the kids home is that he is worried this toddler will be regulated to being penned in by me while I teach my older kids.

 

Some of the questions going though my head after reading this thread are:

 

Do you have the extra-income to hire outside help or pay for an outside day? If you do so, rather than a daycare MDO situation, are there options for things like tumbling classes or active classes that don't require the parent there? Sometimes the problem with my little one is that he has to burn a TON of energy for about two hours before he will settle to play. It took a lot of trial and error to figure that out.

 

Is corralling him in a room a feasible option, and would that calm him down or make him feel ignored and therefore act out more?

 

Would you consider enrolling the older kids in school for the Spring semester so you could focus on 1 on 1 time with this child? Maybe you could get him into a routine where he 'does school' with mommy (just one on one time) and then you could pull the olders back out next summer and sort of roll them into your new routine with the young one and a new recharged you.

 

 

I am sending a hug because it is so hard when you have this active type of child. Having mom at her wits end and stressed and upset and unhappy is not healthy for your family. Is it worse than sending them to a school? I honestly don't know. The school my children currently attend is fairly mild and has it's annoyances, but we don't have gangs or big trouble makers. I still do afterschool activities with my older kids. I didn't call it afterschooling before I found TWTM, I called it around-the-clock learning and lifelong learning. During the day, I do fun craft activities with my little ones and take toddlerzilla to the park or now that it's colder, to a tumbling class.

 

I wish you peace in your choice. I know that being a primarily homeschooling site, suggesting a temporary enrollment in school might be a faux-pas, but there are many of us that supplement and use homeschooling materials while kids are in school temporarily or as a choice. 6 months of school might be a life saver for your sanity and thought of as an outside temp class, it might be the solution to your problems and give you time to focus on your youngest and for supplementing your olders, or it might be a confirmation that you are truly a homeschooling family and you just need a bit of time to refigure your approach.

Edited November 28, 2012 by windmillmarie

[ktgrok]

The only thing I can suggest is childproofing as much as humanly possible. For me that meant getting rid of my kitchen table chairs, as the child used them to climb onto the table, counters, etc. that, plus a gate in the doorway with verticle slats rather than mesh, meant I had ONE childproofed room, sort of. Cabinets got child locks. Dog bowl was put on the counter (poor dogs...), and we survived. Older child did school work on the other side of the kicthen bar area, so I could see and interact with him but toddler didn't have access to the stool the older one was sitting on.

 

In your situation I think I'd do smaller amounts of school per day, but go 7 days a week year round. That way you get the same amount done overall. And make history and science independent. Documentaries for the most part, supplemented with library books the kids can read on their own, or that dad can read to them at bed time. You can watch toddler tornado while they watch a documentary a day.

Or we did school in fits and starts while the little one was napping. In good news, by 2 it was calming down.

[~*Beatrix*~]

Jane, I have that toddler. She is now 22 months and is slightly better now, but already today I have cleaned lotion off the sofa, sugar off the kitchen floor, two dozen disassembled tampon parts out of the front hall, taken crayon pieces and chewed bits of pink eraser out of her mouth, and taped together a ripped Bob book.

 

Honestly, I am just muddling through my days one at a time, and if it takes us 13 months to finish the school year, so be it, I will make up the time eventually. We are doing a year-round schedule, and our school days often sort of slide into the late afternoon, ending at 4 or 5. I started after Labor Day and I am only on week 9 of my curriculum plan, though I make sure my two older kids at least accomplish math and some kind of writing every day no matter what.

 

I am not willing to send my kids to school. I just keep telling myself that this too shall pass. She will not always be such a tornado. I am choosing to muddle through instead of doing anything drastic. This may not be our best, most fabulously productive year of school, but it will not stunt anyone permanently. At least this is what I tell myself...

 

Hugs from someone who gets it.

[Lolly]

Jane, I have known you a long time. You say have always wanted to homeschool. I think sometimes the people who have homeschooling as their dream tend to have a much harder time of it than those of us who are thrown into it. Your dream is just that, a dream. I don't think there is any way it can meet with reality. I also think that you might should consider some counseling for yourself. Letting go of this dream is going to be hard. I don't know your little one, of course, but I truly doubt that he is as much of a terror as you see him. (And, I do know that little ones can be terrors. I have dealt with it myself. Fortunately, mine were all still small and it didn't cause problems with school.) As long as I have known you, everything has been extremes. Granted, this is an internet relationship and I do not truly know you, only what you present online. However, if your posts have been heartfelt, you probably need to step back. Seriously consider sending the kids to school and putting the little one in MDO a couple of days a week. I really, really think you need the break and will be happier once you let go of this dream.

[ktgrok]

The only thing I can suggest is childproofing as much as humanly possible. For me that meant getting rid of my kitchen table chairs, as the child used them to climb onto the table, counters, etc. that, plus a gate in the doorway with verticle slats rather than mesh, meant I had ONE childproofed room, sort of. Cabinets got child locks. Dog bowl was put on the counter (poor dogs...), and we survived. Older child did school work on the other side of the kicthen bar area, so I could see and interact with him but toddler didn't have access to the stool the older one was sitting on.

 

Or we did school in fits and starts while the little one was napping. In good news, by 2 it was calming down.

[Carol in Cal.]

A couple of observations:

1. Those who have never seen a true toddler terror cannot begin to imagine how this can be. I don't have one, but I have spent a lot of time with one, and it's almost impossible to overstate how overwhelmingly demanding parenting someone like that can be.

2. I think that it's valid to vent when you're overwhelmed and not talk much when you're not. So I don't necessarily draw conclusions from that.

3. Just on the face of it, you're on week 10 and it's week 14. That sounds like if you schooled all year round you would be right on schedule. That's what you should do with the older kids.

4. Even easy 18 month olds need a lot of attention, and yours needs more than that. You can teach the olders to give it to him--at least the oldest, and maybe the second oldest also, and you should. This is valuable life experience, and part of the good stuff in family closeness and cooperation that homeschooling with a medium to large family requires. (Note: When I say REQUIRES, that is exactly what I mean. In this particular case, it is required, at least for now. And lest you feel bad about this, even Mrs. Ferris had older kids teach skills to younger ones, and this is far less onerous and time consuming than that.) I would suggest spending some very targetted time on that training, and requiring that care from the oldest one(s) for a reasonable period of time each day while you teach skills (math, grammar, writing, reading) to the others. I cannot possibly stress this enough.

5. I encourage you to arrange for some of the science content (not skills) learning to take place in a large area where TT can run around. This could be a science museum, children's technology museum, natural history site, zoo, etc. Require the oldest kids to explain to you how things work or what they observe. For a place that you visit often, require them to find 10 completely new things to learn each time you go. That requirement on a familiar place will drive them deeper and deeper into science. Get Rainbow Science or Exploration Education for your oldest, and keep a distant eye on him while he learns that stuff. Those are very hands on, complete programs and very good for that age. Also sign him up for a Lego robotics team next year (in August or Sept.), and don't be one of the volunteer parents. Additionally, in another month or so go ahead and sign them up for zoology, science, and tech summer camps, maybe 2 each. That will give them a concentrated slug of science.

6. For a concentrated slug of history, again, take them all to sites where free ranging is possible--living history locations, historical museums, historic sites, Dickens Christmas Faires, Renaissance Faires, etc. Also, invest in the SOTW CD's and play them over and over. Assign additional reading to the olders, and grade-level appropriate history writing assignments a la WTM.

7. And there you have it. You can do this! It's not easy, but it can be done.

[redheadmom]

Don't compare yourself to others. Things are rarely what they appear. Personally, I would put the toddler in a MDO program a few days a week. This will give you time to focus on the others and give you some much needed breathing room. It will also keep the other children from resenting the toddler that is disturbing them or forcing them back to school, kwim. Some kids are different, difficult and unique; this does not make you a bad parent.

 

If schoolwork is too much then change it. time4learning won't make your kids brainiacs but could you some independent work they could manage on their own even if you just use it for the older one. Your toddlers personality is something which you can only partially change even with constant discipline. Your other children's education is completely moldable by you. Kids can grow and change a difficult personality but they can't outgrow a bad education.

[Catwoman]

I just don't want everyone to start thinking things are so insane that I'm in danger of neglecting the kids or doing something regrettable. I am deeply frustrated and sad at this point WRT how things are with this LO. It's not the LO's fault. it's all mine. And yes, I failed to take into consideration how adding just one more child could impact my family. I had no idea. Nothing could have prepared me for this.

 

I don't think anyone is thinking that you're suddenly going to lose your mind and do something awful, and I hope my posts didn't come across that way to you. I know that my own suggestions to you were only to try to give you some breathing room, so you could relax and not worry so much about whether or not your older kids were getting a proper education. You don't seem like you're ready to jump off a building, but you do seem awfully stressed, and I'm sure I'm not the only person who is worried about you.

 

As has already been posted here, I think you need to step back from your dream of what homeschooling should be, and deal with the reality of what it is. And unfortunately, what it is in your house, happens to include a little 18 month-old terror. If you don't put the little one in some sort of daycare or preschool situation, your only other option is to get really tough and tune out the tantrums and fits for a while. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Say no. Say no. Say no. AND MEAN IT. Your little one is used to ruling the roost, and that has to stop. I'm all in favor of wanting children to be happy, but if the only way this kid is happy is when no one else is getting any attention, something has to give, and you have to step up to the plate, set rules, and be perfectly consistent in implementing and enforcing them. It's hard to sit and watch a kid scream and cry, but as things are right now, giving in all the time doesn't seem to be working, either.

 

I hope you're able to find a solution that works for your whole family.

[songsparrow]

One thing that I would suggest are locks - lots and lots of locks. I'm not talking child safety locks, which can be gotten around, but real locks. (ETA: the TotLock magnetic locks that are designed for childproofing are also quite effective, but you have to keep the magnet "key" out of reach because magnets can damage electronics.). Take a trip to the hardware store and see what the options are. Either keep a key with you or put it in a high place (e.g., on top of door moldings), or use combination style luggage locks. Everything that you do not want to have the toddler get into should be in a locked cabinet.

 

Second, I don't know how much stuff or clutter you have around, but box up anything nonessential and put it in storage for the time being. Leave out a limited number of toys at any time, preferably ones that allow very open ended play, and rotate them. I did not have a toddler that was as energetic as yours, but my experience was that if there were lots of toys available, the game became to simply dump them all out, then leave them unplayed with as other things were dumped. If there were only a few items available, she would actually play with them. I also noticed that she was more calm when her environment was less cluttered.

 

The goal of these suggestions is to help to eliminate the constant cleaning up of messes, which is exhausting and takes your time away from other things.

[fairfarmhand]

 

 

As has already been posted here, I think you need to step back from your dream of what homeschooling should be, and deal with the reality of what it is. And unfortunately, what it is in your house, happens to include a little 18 month-old terror. If you don't put the little one in some sort of daycare or preschool situation, your only other option is to get really tough and tune out the tantrums and fits for a while. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Say no. Say no. Say no. AND MEAN IT. Your little one is used to ruling the roost, and that has to stop. I'm all in favor of wanting children to be happy, but if the only way this kid is happy is when no one else is getting any attention, something has to give, and you have to step up to the plate, set rules, and be perfectly consistent in implementing and enforcing them. It's hard to sit and watch a kid scream and cry, but as things are right now, giving in all the time doesn't seem to be working, either.

 

I hope you're able to find a solution that works for your whole family.

 

yeah. I kind of think this too....I hate it when real life doesn't work out the way I planned it.

[Catwoman]

yeah. I kind of think this too....I hate it when real life doesn't work out the way I planned it.

 

I hate it, too!

[Elinor Everywhere]

yeah. I kind of think this too....I hate it when real life doesn't work out the way I planned it.

 

 

Doesn't that suck? I have been looking forward to homeschooling high school since my dd was 3. Not because I wanted her to grow up quickly (exactly the opposite), but because high school is really interesting and would be fun to teach.

 

About a month ago we made the decision to allow my dd to attend high school full-time next year (she really wants to, now that she's had a taste of it) . I kind of went through some depression for a few weeks - it felt like my whole job was being taken away from me. And you know what? It was.

 

But while my identity as a homeschooling mom, that I've had for 13 years, will be gone, I've pulled out of my funk and realize the future is what I make it. Onward!!

 

This is all being said at a hormonally happy time. Catch me in a week and see how I feel. ;)