kewb Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 My teen has made a bad choice in a best bud. The friend is a bad influence on my ds. Whenever they are together my son throws common sense out the window and does whatever stupid idea friend has. The friend is also a drama creator. He loves to say and create situations that create drama between friends. Through the years we have discussed what makes a good friend. Discussed sons behavior when hanging out with this friend. Discussed how in life you will be judged by the company you keep. I have always severely limited their opportunities to hang out together. Ds is busy most of the time with swim and youth group. But the kid hounds my ds. Calls him every day to hang out. Even though we have a no hanging out on school days rule. On the weekend he is calling at 10 am to ask ds to come over to his house. If they are going to see each other at say 1:30 the friend will start calling every hour asking why they can not hang out now. Ds keeps going back to him. I have never wanted to ban my kids from hanging out with someone because my parents did that to me and it did not work but it is reaching a point where I am out of ideas and just want this kid out of my sons life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 I think at 14 we can still influence/decide how our children spend their time. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 The only friend my parents tried to ban me from seeing became my best friend through most of junior high and part of high school. The more my parents told me I couldn't see her, the more I went around them to do so. One thing that changed was when my parents decided to stop fighting it and they let me invite her to more things with the family and in my home. The friendship died out that same year. She didn't like my family or their rules, and I didn't like her talking badly about them (only I could do that :tongue_smilie:). I'm not there yet with my own dds so I'm not quite sure what I would do, though. Older dd is in middle school and her closest friend is very different from her but dd doesn't seem to be easily influenced. Dd seems to be rubbing off on the friend more than the other way around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 Disclaimer: I don't have a teen and I don't pretend to parent one on TV :D I think I'd just start keeping him very, very busy for several weekends and ignore the phone. Maybe your son just needs an extended break from him to sort of help him make the choice to disengage. Is the friend calling on a cell phone or a landline? If he's calling a cell, you may be able to set his personal ringtone to "silent" or "vibrate" so it's not driving you crazy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 I wish I had kept ds away from a certain kid, but he went to our church, and, as the clergy family, we couldn't exactly change churches. They just got into so much trouble together. Friend introduced ds to p)rn. Friend drank and smoked MJ with ds. When ds came out of his 4th treatment center, clean finally, friend reintroduced MJ. Ds introduced friend to girls--a particular one that was destructive. And on and on... I wish I could go back and do it differently, just saying. It was ds' choice to do what he did and I am not just blaming ds' friend. But still.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 Instead of your son going there can you have this friend over to your house and keep them involved with family activities where a parent is present? Either friend will like and accept it or just wander away to someone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 Instead of your son going there can you have this friend over to your house and keep them involved with family activities where a parent is present? Either friend will like and accept it or just wander away to someone else. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 (edited) My son has a friend similar to this, but luckily for us this friend lives in the big city and only is here when on extended visits with his grandparents. For the times friend is here, I attempt to ensure that all visits are at our house and/or under my and/or dh's direct supervision. This limits the amount of mischief that friend can encourage. Over time, ds has come to see that friend is acting out because of his difficult family situation and home life (which to be succinct, involves multiple step-parents, mental illness, addiction and the violence of life in poverty). I think that ds has matured quite a lot in his response to friend's antics and drama, but ds is also a bit of a soft-hearted kid and is still swayed by that at times. I was pleased, but at the same time quite saddened, that at friend's last visit, friend told us that he liked being at our place because he likes to pretend he is in our "normal" family. So, while I don't know your son's friend or his situation, I wonder if perhaps your son's friend could benefit from the same? Just a thought. Just figured I'd toss that out there. Edited November 14, 2012 by Audrey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 My teen has made a bad choice in a best bud. The friend is a bad influence on my ds. Whenever they are together my son throws common sense out the window and does whatever stupid idea friend has. The friend is also a drama creator. He loves to say and create situations that create drama between friends. Through the years we have discussed what makes a good friend. Discussed sons behavior when hanging out with this friend. Discussed how in life you will be judged by the company you keep. I have always severely limited their opportunities to hang out together. Ds is busy most of the time with swim and youth group. But the kid hounds my ds. Calls him every day to hang out. Even though we have a no hanging out on school days rule. On the weekend he is calling at 10 am to ask ds to come over to his house. If they are going to see each other at say 1:30 the friend will start calling every hour asking why they can not hang out now. Ds keeps going back to him. I have never wanted to ban my kids from hanging out with someone because my parents did that to me and it did not work but it is reaching a point where I am out of ideas and just want this kid out of my sons life. I don't know. My daughter had a friend like this, but kids who want to act out and don't (yet) are drawn to that type of friend. She finally changed schools (not only because of the friend, but for other reasons) and the friendship died out. A friend of mine handled it better and just happened to need to go out of state to see Grandma a LOT during those couple of years. I didn't catch on but later she told me why they were going to the next state all the time; it got her daughter away from this friend! It was kind of a long process though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 We have always held the opinion that we have the right to veto DS13's friends if we feel it is necessary. If I had a legitimate reason to do so (and not just that I disliked the kid, but that s/he caused trouble) I would outright tell DS that it was over between them. If the child continued to hound my phone, I would tell the child and possibly his parents as well that he was not permitted to call my home anymore. There is always changing your phone number in extreme instances. DS is not independently mobile yet (as in, no driving and no dropping him off at the mall, movies etc. with friends) so hanging out with anyone is still very much on my terms. I think it is important to set these rules and standards long before a child is independently mobile because, at that point there is more of a possibility for rebellion against said rules. The fact that you say, "Through the years we have discussed what makes a good friend. Discussed sons behavior when hanging out with this friend." makes me wonder how long this has been going on. For us, as soon as a child is deemed "bad news" they are cut out of my son's life. He is told why, but he is also not given a choice. It helps that we are a very private family in that we don't allow many children in our home, and DS13 has only ever been allowed to go to a select few children's homes. It is not at all odd if a friend is not allowed to come over and hang out or spend the night. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this, but I would definitely cut the child out of my child's life. You are still the parent. Help him find another friend and/or something else to do with the time that he would have typically spent with this child so that he's not sitting around bored and thinking about him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 We have always held the opinion that we have the right to veto DS13's friends if we feel it is necessary. If I had a legitimate reason to do so (and not just that I disliked the kid, but that s/he caused trouble) I would outright tell DS that it was over between them. If the child continued to hound my phone, I would tell the child and possibly his parents as well that he was not permitted to call my home anymore. There is always changing your phone number in extreme instances. DS is not independently mobile yet (as in, no driving and no dropping him off at the mall, movies etc. with friends) so hanging out with anyone is still very much on my terms. I think it is important to set these rules and standards long before a child is independently mobile because, at that point there is more of a possibility for rebellion against said rules. The fact that you say, "Through the years we have discussed what makes a good friend. Discussed sons behavior when hanging out with this friend." makes me wonder how long this has been going on. For us, as soon as a child is deemed "bad news" they are cut out of my son's life. He is told why, but he is also not given a choice. It helps that we are a very private family in that we don't allow many children in our home, and DS13 has only ever been allowed to go to a select few children's homes. It is not at all odd if a friend is not allowed to come over and hang out or spend the night. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this, but I would definitely cut the child out of my child's life. You are still the parent. Help him find another friend and/or something else to do with the time that he would have typically spent with this child so that he's not sitting around bored and thinking about him. This many times over. As a parent it is not only my right, but my duty, to keep destructive forces from my children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted November 14, 2012 Author Share Posted November 14, 2012 They have known each other since 1st grade. He lives around the corner. 2 summers ago they had a disagreement and they were not friends for a year. This past summer the kid came up to ds and told him that he acted like a jerk and he was sorry and he wanted to be friends again. I thought maybe that was a sign of maturity on friends part. Things were okay for awhile but the bad behavior has been appearing again. The kid calls ds's cell phone the majority of the time. When I hear his ringtone I tell ds to tell him to stop and that the answer has not changed but it will become an outright no if he calls again. I can't speak for what is going on in that kids family life but if he is hanging out with my kid for a taste of normal I can honestly say I do not have the mental fortitude to be this kids sanctuary. I know I should just say you can't hangout with him anymore but I am hesitant to do so because when my parents did that to me I just found other ways to hang out with the undesireable friend. Based on everyones replies I will keep doing what I have been doing-which is keeping ds busy with other activities and limiting their time together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 Without actually banning this kid, you can require your ds to do things like not answer the phone when the kid starts calling every hour, KWIM? Or calls from him on school days/school hours. You can offer to call his parents, too, if he doesn't change his behavior. You are not helpless in this situation. You are still the parent of a minor child, KWIM? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 OP, I agree with you not to go with total banning. I think that works better with younger kids when you can just sort of make the other kid "disappear", but with a 14 y/o you are bound to meet resistance and defensiveness over the friend. I had the same experience as you when I was younger. I agree with Ellie, though, you can set some rules about the phone calls. I would go with a no phone calls on schools days. If he violates the rule then the get together date is off. You can explain this to your son under the guise of "school issues" rather than "friend issues" to avoid a defensive reaction. Also make it very clear to the friend that calling repeatedly even on weekends is disruptive and rude, and won't be tolerated. And I agree with others, try to have him over to YOUR house most. You don't have to be his "santuary", it's about protecting your own kid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 The kid calls ds's cell phone the majority of the time. When I hear his ringtone I tell ds to tell him to stop and that the answer has not changed but it will become an outright no if he calls again. In this situation I would not have my child tell him this since the other child is clearly not listening. Instead, upon hearing his ringtone I would answer the phone myself and tell the child to stop calling. I would also not continue to give the other child a multitude of chances. Warn him once that repeated calling after an answer has been given will result in an automatic "no" in the future. The next time he calls you can then simply say, "I'm sorry but you've been warned that repeated calling would result in an automatic "no." DS is now not allowed to play with you today." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted November 14, 2012 Author Share Posted November 14, 2012 In this situation I would not have my child tell him this since the other child is clearly not listening. Instead, upon hearing his ringtone I would answer the phone myself and tell the child to stop calling. I would also not continue to give the other child a multitude of chances. Warn him once that repeated calling after an answer has been given will result in an automatic "no" in the future. The next time he calls you can then simply say, "I'm sorry but you've been warned that repeated calling would result in an automatic "no." DS is now not allowed to play with you today." Good idea. I wish I had thought of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 I have never wanted to ban my kids from hanging out with someone because my parents did that to me and it did not work but it is reaching a point where I am out of ideas and just want this kid out of my sons life. You were likely in school where you had plenty of opportunities to sneak around. One advantage of homeschooling is that you have a lot more influence when you put your foot down about something important, particularly if you aren't prone to abusing that power. If this is something I felt very strongly about, I would (and have) tell my teen that I don't like this particular person because of this reason and that reason and that your son deserves better friends. Times like this I tell my kids that they may not like it, but occasionally everyone needs to be saved from himself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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