The teenagers that dashed our idealism support thread..........

[Annie G]

Club member...wish I wasn't. But it is comforting to have others who are going through it and don't judge my parenting. Some friends things we were too permissive, others think we were too strict. None just sit and listen and offer support. So thanks, guys.

[Firestar Academy]

I'm not in your boat, but I hope it's okay if I post. I just wanted to say that moms like you, who have been honest enough to share your serious struggles with your kids, are the reason that I will not have to deal with the crushing disappointment/disillusionment I might otherwise experience someday. My kids are young. No one has rebelled yet. But outside of this forum, I am very much exposed to the "Do X, get Y" mentality. Thank you for saving me from that. I know I can't guarantee anything; I can only try my best, and make peace with the rest. If one/some of my kids make bad choices, yes -- I will grieve. But I do feel that you all will have helped me avoid some of the shock.

 

:iagree::grouphug::iagree:

 

robin

[swellmomma]

:grouphug:

 

I felt SO GUILTY that i felt relieved. When he was gone? We weren't in his prison anymore.

 

And I felt guilty for making my littles deal with him as long as they did.

 

There is no black and white, there is only mud. :C

 

So true! I have had to tell my oldest son that he either shapes up or he can expect new suitcases on his 18th birthday with a kick out the door. It is not something I ever want to come to pass, but I will not continue to live like this 1 day longer than necessary. I am new to the realm of raising teens, but not new to difficult kwim. If things don't change soon they likely never will. Conduct Disorder is no walk in the park and all the love and consistency and following the books and experts is no guarantee of a positive outcome for sure.

[Chris in VA]

:grouphug: Joanne.

I know a little of what you are going thru.

 

What I hate is how it affects the others in the family.

Edited October 27, 2012 by Chris in VA

[JenC3]

Just want to say :grouphug:

 

I was a teen who wasn't parented and it really sucked. I had to do everything for myself and while it did make me stronger, it took me a LOT longer to get things figured out.

 

I wish I had great parents like you all!

 

My dd2 and ds scare me. I hope I can guide them into the future and they don't rebel too much.

[jenn&charles]

It makes me tear up to read this thread and that's all I can say on a public forum....((hugs)) to you all.

[Mommyfaithe]

Popping in here to share a :grouphug: and a :confused: and another :grouphug:.

 

It is so hard....trying to always do the right thing....and seeing the wrong result.

 

I have btdt and am there now......such a waste of potential....such a heartbreaking dilemma....to hold on, or let them go....sigh....

 

I just try to love them....and remember what a wretch of a teen...and twenty year old I was....I wanted to save my kids from that pain of regret.....there is no saving some of them....they have to save themselves ( with the help of the Good Lord.)

 

:grouphug:

Faithe

[MamaT]

I am a member of this club. :grouphug: to everyone. My "hard" kid is now married with a child of his own, and seems to be in a healthy place now.

 

There were a couple of years, though, that I woke up in the middle of the night every night, terrified for him.

[CyndiLJ]

It is so helpful to read this thread...here,in this place, where so often it appears that every child is a huge success. I have five, each has their own challenges, and we do the best we can. We are just beginning the teen years, and so far we have no major behavioral or attitude challenges. That being said, I know that at any time things might shift for us.

 

I lived through the hell my parents went through with my brother, who never did make it out of addiction. They did every single thing possible, they tried with all their hearts to save him. Did they make mistakes? I am sure they did but who knew what was the right thing to do?? I have heard my mom question herself continually in recent years, asking what else she should have done that might have made a difference.

 

We are only human, we do what we can, and then we pray and hope that something changes. There is no magic fix.

 

I pray daily that all five of ours make it into a successful adulthood. I wish no less for every single parent and child who suffers here.

 

Cindy

[Mommyfaithe]

Thanks for starting this thread. I don't want to go into much detail but I am still a bit shell shocked trying to come to terms with the present reality VS what I thought would transpire if I just plugged in A and B and provided a "nurturing environment." I really don't know what the future holds and I fear for him so much I can't sleep at night.

 

:grouphug:

I hear you....I am there with you:grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

I am fully convinced that it is good to share our experiences with tough parenting. We can help each other and it is comforting when someone really does understand. Sometimes we can offer tangible help to one another.

(:D Mama T...) It's amazing to receive that.

[Rose in BC]

Awesome thread. I have two extremely challenging teens, with special needs. This has been our toughest year. There are days I am sure I won't make it through.

 

And often I feel alone. I know I'm not but my circle of friends do not have the struggles we have. And of course it's hard not to be envious when it seems like everyone else has perfect kids. (I know they're not, in comparison it seems like it.)

 

I had no idea how painful this journey could be.

 

But I do make it through each day with hope for tomorrow. Hopefully I'll have the strength to make it through these years.

 

It's good to share with others who understand the struggle.

[Dandelion]

A big thank you to all who have posted in this thread and shared their challenges.

 

I don't have teens yet, but my idealism has already been "dashed" in the course of parenting DS9. He's an extremely challenging child (dx Asperger's) and our family has already been through a lot of heartache and difficulties over the last 9 years. I firmly believe that worrying is unproductive, but it's hard not to worry sometimes about what the teen years will bring.

 

I've found encouragement and insights in this thread - thank you.

 

:grouphug:

[Ummto4]

Is it possible that the type of problems the US teenagers and young people face in America is entirely cultural ? So every culture will have its own set of problems which are unique for the culture.

 

E.g. entitlement -- I've seen it again and again in the US/UK- you know, the feeling that the world owes you something. This very rarely happens in third world countries (at least it's rare from where I came from) even when the children come from affluent families (and a bit spoiled) just because life is hard over there. YOu have to have something really wrong in your head to think that you're entitled to something. So most people have 'accepting' behavior and just bears the study/work day to day although deep inside they're not happy with their position.

 

Sometimes, because the entry-level wage is too small, adult children still have to stay w/ parents (even after marriage) and the parents put up with them w/o asking for a rent ...:). The children though, usually will pitch in financially, e.g. paying bills, groceries, etc.

 

Respect to parents is another - it's big in Asia. Arguments may erupt between parents and children, but most would never lead to a situation where parents would not speak EVER to the children or vice versa. It's cultural, but may also be because children view parents as something which symbolizes security.

 

But then in Asia, where I come from, corruption and bribery are rampant. So chances are high that young adults and teenagers over there will be involved one way or another in corruption/bribery. Neead a driver license ? There's an easy way to get it ..:). Will you be happy if you find ut your children are working adults, but engaged in this kind of activities (e.g. you need my signature ? pay me such and such ...).

 

Copyright of software, books, etc is not respected. So while here in the WTMboard people are arguing whether it's okay to copy this and that, or to save workbooks by using dry-erase and plastic cover (which amuses me), over there, people are just going to copy textbooks, software, etc. Heck, my sister used to sell those pirated CDs (pirated by her friends) to her college friends ...:).

 

So you see, when something becomes cultural, your teenager's/young people's chances to become 'other' is slimmer, and can't be blamed to the parenting. IT's just cultural. YOu just have to do the best, and, if you're religious, pray that s/he would turn out to be okay by His standard.

[laughing lioness]

Dh's thoughts re: this thread. Does social media cause our kids to feel entitled? Before the advent of on-line "relationships" people actually had to engage in give and take- and negotiate relationships. Now, all they have to do is post about their "status." The research is in re: how T.V. is not beneficial to language and maturational development. Just waiting for the stats on social media.

[bobbeym]

I have only read the first few posts, but....

 

Do any of you wonder if something you did *did* cause or contribute to the issue?

This is even more important to me since I have 3 littles (and possibly more coming one day).

I want to fix whatever I've done wrong.

 

I *do* believe that we do the best we can and what our children do as older teens and adults is on THEIR shoulders.

I just do also believe that what we do or don't do can be part of the problem (or success).

 

Almost every. single. day.

 

DH is always reminding me it's not my fault. Sometimes I can believe him. Other days, not so much.

 

I've always held to the fact that they will both be wonderful men if we can make it through the teen years intact.

 

Thank you for starting this thread Joanne. My heart aches because so many of y'all have it so much worse than what we're dealing with. And then I get scared that it's going to be us there one of these days too.

[Halftime Hope]

Just joining in here, wanting to say that I wish each and everyone of us the best, and that as I pray for my own difficult young adult, all of us in this thread will be in my prayers, too.

 

I fought against one brand of A -> B parenting (a few of you may remember from the very, very old boards that I had a bee in my bonnet about that topic because of some things I had witnessed), but even so, I did expect that all the intense parenting, loving, and guiding we did would lead to a healthy adult. It hasn't.

 

That leaves me ???? Dh, ever the engineer, is still trying to reason it out, assess looking backward, and pinpoint what we did wrong. :crying:

 

<<deleted>>

 

I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now, so I spend a lot of time breathing short prayers. May God have mercy on us and all our children.

Edited October 28, 2012 by Valerie(TX)

[Durriyyah]

Okay, I'm kind of poking into your thread, but hoping I can maybe give a little hope.

 

I was that teen... and not that long ago. I got preggo at 16 and ended my sophmore year as a freshmen still because I skipped class so much. I kept the baby against my parent's wishes, who is now 12. Had typical issues during college, but still was worrisome to my parents. I converted to Islam, which was the best choice I could have made for my life, but at the time it seemed to be adding to the mountain of disappointments to them, and they were worried about my safety as a female.

 

I ended up holding down a good job and getting into IT management in my early 20's, finished up a bachelor's degree as a single mom, and now am happily married and staying home. I'm sure if someone told my parents it would end up this way, they wouldn't have believed them.

 

I just want to give you all a big :grouphug: and tell you it can turn out okay. Now my dad thinks I'm probably too conservative, but hey, at least he isn't worried about my safety anymore. :)

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[MicheleinMN]

Now we have another 17 year old boy. He is a piece of work. In high school, his teachers either LOVED him or HATED him, but he was buddies with the principal and all the other administrators. He has probably been pulled over by every cop in town, but rarely gets a ticket. He likes to chat with the police officers if he runs into them out in public! He will thank an outfitted military person for their service, but then ride around in a motorized wheelchair at Walmart purposely driving into things. He is charming and completely and totally exhausting.

 

You could be describing my 16 yo son. He exhausts me!

[justamouse]

I have only read the first few posts, but....

 

Do any of you wonder if something you did *did* cause or contribute to the issue?

This is even more important to me since I have 3 littles (and possibly more coming one day).

I want to fix whatever I've done wrong.

 

I *do* believe that we do the best we can and what our children do as older teens and adults is on THEIR shoulders.

I just do also believe that what we do or don't do can be part of the problem (or success).

 

Yes. But the other 6? Night and day. I did parent them differently. I was very punitive with #1, though I wanted to be an AP parent, those I looked to for guidance told me it was not the correct way to raise a child. Coupled with is ADHD, punishments were napalm.

 

Though I blame myself a lot, I blame myself more for telling his father he had a son, and then allowing him into our lives. The man --NPD--and all I can say is at least I never married him, but I should have done more to protect our son.

[Barb_]

Dh's thoughts re: this thread. Does social media cause our kids to feel entitled? Before the advent of on-line "relationships" people actually had to engage in give and take- and negotiate relationships. Now, all they have to do is post about their "status." The research is in re: how T.V. is not beneficial to language and maturational development. Just waiting for the stats on social media.

 

I've also been wondering for years whether social media is toxic for growing brains. Facebook encourages unhealthy belly-button gazing in teens who are already so prone to it. Everyone gets to be king or queen of their own little kingdoms.

[justamouse]

I've also been wondering for years whether social media is toxic for growing brains. Facebook encourages unhealthy belly-button gazing in teens who are already so prone to it. Everyone gets to be king or queen of their own little kingdoms.

 

I SO think so. :iagree:

[Barb_]

 

E.g. entitlement -- I've seen it again and again in the US/UK- you know, the feeling that the world owes you something. This very rarely happens in third world countries (at least it's rare from where I came from) even when the children come from affluent families (and a bit spoiled) just because life is hard over there. YOu have to have something really wrong in your head to think that you're entitled to something.

 

 

I think you are on to something regarding the culture working against our efforts to launch teens. My oldest, who was difficult already, went nutso when she got to college and was surrounded by admiring peers. Now it seems like she's having trouble doing anything without a circle of admirers. She falls back on her beauty or brains and expects everything to be handed to her. She is shocked and embarrassed when she doesn't get what she wants without effort. THAT I can't accept the blame for because she was raised to work hard. I think. :confused: