Am I too old-fashioned? Mean-spirited? Superficial? Funeral attire.

[FaithManor]

I honestly like the less dressy attire trend, especially at church.

I remember in my youth judging and being judged by what I wore to church.

How sad!!!!

How does God feel about us looking at ourselves instead of Him.

 

I think we should wear "medium" attire. Something normal that takes eyes off of us and onto the person being honored. That means not too dressy (because that is sort of peacock-ish) and not to trashy (because that is also trying to make a statement).

 

 

Thank you for saying this. It was what I was attempting and didn't quite manage to convey.

 

I really don't care about casual per se, but I do care about slovenly and trashy and many people are taking casual to that extreme. I have played for funerals in which we had to clean up manure from the main aisle because people wore their mucking out boots and couldn't be inconvenienced to hose them off before they came. I watched my aunt cry at my grandmother's funeral because my cousin came in her bikini top with denim short, shorts that had holes in the butt and her crack on display in a fine red lace thong. I've actually witnessed whole groups of pallbearers wearing their "saggy jeans" pulled down around their hips with t-shirts hiked up so everyone unfortunate enough to be seated when they walked past had to either gaze at the ceiling or be confronted with the said young men's choices of Jockeys or Fruit of the Loom. I don't think it's appropriate to hunt deer, kill, and gut the things up until ten minutes before the wedding and SHOW UP WITH DEER BLOOD SMEARED ON YOUR CAMO! I think the "I'm with stupid" shirts are inappropriate - that was at a wedding I played for this summer. I think if you've been at the gym, you should actually get home in time to shower and change out of your sweat drenched muscle shirt and sweatpants before going the funeral home or attending a wedding.

 

That's my problem. The rugged individualism of many Americans has gone to that level of extreme. When it gets to the point that this is what is being regularly displayed in funeral homes, synagogues, mosques, wedding chapels, magistrates offices, and churches then things have gotten out of hand. Wear what you want. Clean it up first. Keep it neat. Have the respect for the bereaved or the couple setting out in life together, to wash off the locker room and the barn, keep your thong and your BVD's to yourself, and the trash talk off your shirts.

 

So, I guess that means I should have my "elitist snob" t-shirt made since that's what I've been labeled.

 

Faith

[Miss Marple]

do I want to dress appropriately to show respect, if we can within our budget? (I would think most would say yes? So maybe the difference is in what we find appropriate in our communities?)

 

I think this is very appropriate. I do think there is a difference in community standards. For example, there is a gentleman in our church (who has grown kids) from California. He attends all services dressed in a pair of khakis and a Hawaiian print type shirt of the "not to tuck in" variety. So when he "dresses up", he wears a nice pair of slacks and a button down shirt tucked in with a belt. Our church is quite casual and I like that, although it is often the only opportunity I have to wear some of my nicer clothing. The community at that church has no problem with casual.

 

However, if I were to go to a few of the churches in the larger city nearby, I would be woefully under-dressed and considered a social nincompoop. If I were attending a funeral of someone I knew who was of the more "dressy" persuasion, I would go more dressy. Ditto the other way around. We had a wonderful lady from our church pass away recently. She was my age. She requested that everyone wear leis and fun, bright attire. I think it's most important to honor those last requests :)

[Lady Florida.]

When you're reading a post you want to reply to, hit that middle button in the bottom right, the one next to the "quote" button. It has a quotation mark and a plus sign. I see the button change color when I hit it (red or orange). Then move to the next post you wish to quote and hit that same button.

 

When you've gotten through the posts you wish to quote, hit "post reply" on the lower left under the thread. You'll get a new reply screen with all the quoted posts.

 

Hth :001_smile:

 

I've done that before, but it shows each quote separately. thewaka's post has a quote within a quote, yet it shows that they are two different quotes.

[Mynyel]

When I went to my Aunt's funeral I wore a pink shirt and jeans.

 

That said, she was a rancher and lived in jeans herself. Most people wore jeans as it is the regular attire. My aunt loved color too so some people wore colors other than black.

 

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. I don't think it matters what you wear at a funeral, wear what gives you comfort. I have thought of putting a letter out that says people can't wear black at my funeral!

[ElizaG]

I don't think it matters what you wear at a funeral, wear what gives you comfort. I have thought of putting a letter out that says people can't wear black at my funeral!

This is contradictory, though. Either it matters what people wear, or it doesn't. And if it doesn't matter, then it makes no sense to tell them not to wear black, or not to wear suits, or whatever. Rules that are directly opposed to tradition are still rules. And making a point of dressing in e.g. pink (as some have described here) is still making a point of dressing a certain way. It's very different from a true "come as you are; clothes don't matter" attitude.

 

I have an easier time understanding the latter folks, because at least they're consistent. Though possibly also smellier, if FaithManor's anecdotes are anything to go by. :tongue_smilie: :tongue_smilie::tongue_smilie:

[Mrs Mungo]

I just don't find it *realistic* to insist that one should be able to dress in whatever way a person chooses without consequence. If I owned a bookstore that catered to homeschool families, my employees would probably reflect my ideas of what nice but casual looked like. If I owned a book/music/coffee bar that catered to hipsters, then my employees would reflect a different mindset.

 

In some parts of the country, sure, pressed jeans and button-down shirts would be the norm, but then they are following the rules for that culture.

 

Do I think norms have changed in the last 50 years? Of course! Do I think a bikini top and holey cutoffs will ever be *culturally appropriate* funeral-wear? I sincerely hope not.

[Impish]

I just don't find it *realistic* to insist that one should be able to dress in whatever way a person chooses without consequence. If I owned a bookstore that catered to homeschool families, my employees would probably reflect my ideas of what nice but casual looked like. If I owned a book/music/coffee bar that catered to hipsters, then my employees would reflect a different mindset.

 

In some parts of the country, sure, pressed jeans and button-down shirts would be the norm, but then they are following the rules for that culture.

 

Do I think norms have changed in the last 50 years? Of course! Do I think a bikini top and holey cutoffs will ever be *culturally appropriate* funeral-wear? I sincerely hope not.

:iagree:

Honestly, I think ppl should look like they put some effort in to how they appear. To *me* it denotes showing respect for the occassion.

 

I stated 'formal' earlier, and want to clarify what that would mean to me.

Clean.

No jeans, generally speaking, at least in the city. More rural areas, there are such things as 'dress jeans', and I get/understand/accept that.

Cut off anything, forget it.

No holes, tears, rips, stains.

 

In my area, golf shirt and khakis is acceptable office wear, so I would be fine w/that at a wedding/funeral.

[PeacefulChaos]

I just don't find it *realistic* to insist that one should be able to dress in whatever way a person chooses without consequence. If I owned a bookstore that catered to homeschool families, my employees would probably reflect my ideas of what nice but casual looked like. If I owned a book/music/coffee bar that catered to hipsters, then my employees would reflect a different mindset.

 

In some parts of the country, sure, pressed jeans and button-down shirts would be the norm, but then they are following the rules for that culture.

 

Do I think norms have changed in the last 50 years? Of course! Do I think a bikini top and holey cutoffs will ever be *culturally appropriate* funeral-wear? I sincerely hope not.

 

:iagree:

[justamouse]

 

So, I guess that means I should have my "elitist snob" t-shirt made since that's what I've been labeled.

 

Faith

 

You know when you talk to Drs about worst cases and you really can't believe what they've seen or heard?

 

I cannot believe it's that bad...what you see when you play at these events. I mean, I knew it was bad because of what I see as being acceptable to just about everywhere else, but what you just shared ... :svengo:

 

We need to bring our kids to more ceremonies so they know how to act and how to dress.

 

And to the being selfish comment I made--that is why. TO NOT go home and shower before attending a funeral or wedding says that YOU are too important to take the time to ____ before attending a ceremony. All of that is selfishness. From the thong and bikini to the camo, to the dumb t-shirts. I'm an *individual!* I matter more!.

Edited September 12, 2012 by justamouse

[Soror]

I really don't care about casual per se, but I do care about slovenly and trashy and many people are taking casual to that extreme. I have played for funerals in which we had to clean up manure from the main aisle because people wore their mucking out boots and couldn't be inconvenienced to hose them off before they came. I watched my aunt cry at my grandmother's funeral because my cousin came in her bikini top with denim short, shorts that had holes in the butt and her crack on display in a fine red lace thong. I've actually witnessed whole groups of pallbearers wearing their "saggy jeans" pulled down around their hips with t-shirts hiked up so everyone unfortunate enough to be seated when they walked past had to either gaze at the ceiling or be confronted with the said young men's choices of Jockeys or Fruit of the Loom. I don't think it's appropriate to hunt deer, kill, and gut the things up until ten minutes before the wedding and SHOW UP WITH DEER BLOOD SMEARED ON YOUR CAMO! I think the "I'm with stupid" shirts are inappropriate - that was at a wedding I played for this summer. I think if you've been at the gym, you should actually get home in time to shower and change out of your sweat drenched muscle shirt and sweatpants before going the funeral home or attending a wedding.

 

 

Faith

 

Wow, you really have seen it all.

 

I think this is very appropriate. I do think there is a difference in community standards. For example, there is a gentleman in our church (who has grown kids) from California. He attends all services dressed in a pair of khakis and a Hawaiian print type shirt of the "not to tuck in" variety. So when he "dresses up", he wears a nice pair of slacks and a button down shirt tucked in with a belt. Our church is quite casual and I like that, although it is often the only opportunity I have to wear some of my nicer clothing. The community at that church has no problem with casual.

 

However, if I were to go to a few of the churches in the larger city nearby, I would be woefully under-dressed and considered a social nincompoop. If I were attending a funeral of someone I knew who was of the more "dressy" persuasion, I would go more dressy. Ditto the other way around. We had a wonderful lady from our church pass away recently. She was my age. She requested that everyone wear leis and fun, bright attire. I think it's most important to honor those last requests :)

 

:iagree:

Honestly, I think ppl should look like they put some effort in to how they appear. To *me* it denotes showing respect for the occassion.

 

I stated 'formal' earlier, and want to clarify what that would mean to me.

Clean.

No jeans, generally speaking, at least in the city. More rural areas, there are such things as 'dress jeans', and I get/understand/accept that.

Cut off anything, forget it.

No holes, tears, rips, stains.

 

In my area, golf shirt and khakis is acceptable office wear, so I would be fine w/that at a wedding/funeral.

:iagree:

That was the main points I wanted to get across, culturally standards vary to a degree in different places.

[NASDAQ]

Someone asked about dressing up on a budget.

 

We go to synagogue, etc., and the kids have a reasonable number of fussyish things to go to. I keep a navy blazer in each size for the boys. No matter what it is -- even a polo shirt -- it can be dressed up with a navy blazer. With a pair of grey or khaki dress pants (or even not-that-dressy in a pinch), a dress shirt, and a tie for the older ones, they can look quite good.

[Renthead Mommy]

.

 

The flip-flop talk is interesting. Honestly? I couldn't even bring myself to wear open-toed shoes to the funeral I attended yesterday! But, that's just ME!! I am NOT saying open-toed shoes are inappropriate for a funeral - but I couldn't do it.

 

There's a wide range of flip flops out there, but I think of them as pretty casual even if they are "nice." I wear sandals to church in the summer, but I would never wear flip flops of any kind ($2 Wal-mart or nice, bedazzled) to even our casual, contemporary service. But, that's just ME!! My ds wears "nice" flip flops to contemporary service.

 

 

 

I think part of it is some people equal 'nice/good' with expensive.

 

I remember a few years ago (maybe 5, I think I was in Oki) watching the Today show. Apparently a college woman's team (soccer, volleyball, softball, something I don't remember) won a championship and was invited to the Whitehouse. They showed the picture of the team in the oval office. Every one of those girls was wearing a skirt/dress, had their hair done nicely, they all looked very nice and dressed up, but most were wearing a flip flop type sandle.

 

There was a huge media/yahoo type uproar about how they wore flip flops to the white house and in appropriate that was and basically people don't know how to dress.

 

Matt was interveiwing one of the girls from the pictures. She said how they all expected to dress up and they did. She went out and bought brand new shoes for the exact occassion and being summer, choice flip flop style shoes. She said they were $75 shoes so she felt they were dressy summer shoes.

 

We live in a culture of Wal-mart tee shirts and desinger $100+ tee shirts, WM $3 flip flops and $100 flip flops. $35 jeans and $200 jeans, including very expensive ripped up/shredding jeans that look like they've lived in the potting shed for a year. (Designer holes!) I think a lot of people thing "Well these jeans cost $200 so they are good so I can wear them."

 

Yes part of it is people don't know what is appropriate, part of it is the "I don't really care", but I also think some people just feel that expensive = appropriate.

[justamouse]

We live in a culture of Wal-mart tee shirts and desinger $100+ tee shirts, WM $3 flip flops and $100 flip flops. $35 jeans and $200 jeans, including very expensive ripped up/shredding jeans that look like they've lived in the potting shed for a year. (Designer holes!) I think a lot of people thing "Well these jeans cost $200 so they are good so I can wear them."

 

Yes part of it is people don't know what is appropriate, part of it is the "I don't really care", but I also think some people just feel that expensive = appropriate.

 

You know, that is so true, that is something I will discuss with my kids. I never thought of it that way before.

[PeacefulChaos]

I think part of it is some people equal 'nice/good' with expensive.

 

I remember a few years ago (maybe 5, I think I was in Oki) watching the Today show. Apparently a college woman's team (soccer, volleyball, softball, something I don't remember) won a championship and was invited to the Whitehouse. They showed the picture of the team in the oval office. Every one of those girls was wearing a skirt/dress, had their hair done nicely, they all looked very nice and dressed up, but most were wearing a flip flop type sandle.

 

There was a huge media/yahoo type uproar about how they wore flip flops to the white house and in appropriate that was and basically people don't know how to dress.

 

Matt was interveiwing one of the girls from the pictures. She said how they all expected to dress up and they did. She went out and bought brand new shoes for the exact occassion and being summer, choice flip flop style shoes. She said they were $75 shoes so she felt they were dressy summer shoes.

 

We live in a culture of Wal-mart tee shirts and desinger $100+ tee shirts, WM $3 flip flops and $100 flip flops. $35 jeans and $200 jeans, including very expensive ripped up/shredding jeans that look like they've lived in the potting shed for a year. (Designer holes!) I think a lot of people thing "Well these jeans cost $200 so they are good so I can wear them."

 

Yes part of it is people don't know what is appropriate, part of it is the "I don't really care", but I also think some people just feel that expensive = appropriate.

 

Well, FTR, my flip flops aren't expensive, but I still think they are fine at church. :D :lol: They are $26 Sanuks.

What sort of shoe would I wear instead? High heels? :ack2: :lol: I can't stand the thought of closed toes in the summer (it makes me cringe, literally :lol: ) and boots or ballet flats are the only other shoes I wear. I've got some great boots - I'm so stylish in the fall/winter. :D

[Rebel Yell]

Again, I have to ask why the folks who don't have dress clothes and don't want to buy them just for one occasion can't ask around their social circle whether anyone has something to lend. snip

that might not work if you are an unusual size (or don't want to admit your size)- say a ladies 3x or a men's 52 jacket. Not easy to find in thrift stores, and no one we know wears that size, esp not with matching 42 pants. Or a child with an odd size or body type.

 

My Mom did a funeral for a friend of mine from the Goth community. For all of the events in life Goths have funeral attire down to a science. Mom said it was the first time she had seen a whole funeral party dress in black and looking nice since the mid-sixties. She said it was refreshing.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[BigMamaBird]

Well, FTR, my flip flops aren't expensive, but I still think they are fine at church. :D :lol: They are $26 Sanuks.

What sort of shoe would I wear instead? High heels? :ack2: :lol: I can't stand the thought of closed toes in the summer (it makes me cringe, literally :lol: ) and boots or ballet flats are the only other shoes I wear. I've got some great boots - I'm so stylish in the fall/winter. :D

 

I painfully learned the bolded above this spring. An elderly aunt died and it was my first chance to really dress up since the baby was born so I made sure to "do it right." This included a very nice pair of heels. I have never been to a funeral with a graveside service before so it didn't even enter my mind that heels would be a problem. Boy! Was I a spectacle, wobbling out to the grave site.

[Miss Marple]

Yay! Well done :)

[Crimson Wife]

Well you generally have several weeks if not months notice to plan for a wedding. Funerals are generally held within a day or two of a person's death:glare:

 

I certainly didn't know weeks in advance what was going to fit me at that awkward beginning of 2nd trimester stage. I think I found the dress to borrow the week before the wedding.

[Lady Florida.]

I couldn't even bring myself to wear open-toed shoes to the funeral I attended yesterday!

 

 

I don't think I know any female who wears closed-toed shoes, unless they're wearing athletic shoes. :lol: It's a regional thing, I'm sure.