I feel like a failure..

[mystika1]

Hi,

I am desperate...

I am doing something wrong and it is just killing the homeschooling joy. My dd finds absolutely no joy in our school at all. Everyday, I put on my happy face and bring out our books to the kitchen table and the fight starts. My 9 year old fusses the ENTIRE time we do school. I have tried taking things away from her, punishing her and it does no good. By the time we are done I am exhausted and feel like I have been through a war! She does not pay attention when I am demonstrating or teaching and she makes really careless mistakes. She is a jump up and down screamer....:cursing: She tells me that she doesn't need to do math anymore because she knows it all!:001_huh: She also says that she hates school because it keeps her from doing what she wants to do.(which is ...nothing but playing with her friends) I will not change curriculum again as I changed a few subjects several times trying to fit her learning style...not anymore. She is going to deal with it. I read all these cute blogs out there saying how people love homeschooling their kids and that it is all a field of roses and I just want to cry. I have a schedule and I follow it. We are using Math in Focus(which I like a lot) Easy Grammar, WWE3, HSITW Explorers, Inquiry in Action, and she has to read so many pages each day from a chosen book for reading practice. I like what we are using now because I don't have to kill myself planning. We used konos before and she liked it but... I am not a planner and I like to have history covered in order.(konos was too all over the place for me)

 

I feel like a complete failure when it comes to my oldest. She would love it if I took time off but, we already took a month off this summer. School will not and does not always have to be fun but WoW! Something has got to give. She is starting to fuss all of the time now...not just school. She is angry that she has to get school done and can't understand why it is so important.

 

I do not know what to do anymore. Someone slap me in the face and help me get with the program......:D

 

Penny

Edited September 1, 2012 by mystika1

[GalmiBorn]

:grouphug:Friend! I really don't have any wonderful words of wisdom to give you. Have you always homeschooled? If this was my child, I would ease up on school and concentrate on behavior and attitude, requiring obedience with a happy spirit. This is never easy but neccesary to learning. I am preparing right now at my home with my four kiddos a serious attitude bootcamp. We have fallen into a bad habit of reminding too much then getting angry when we've just 'had it'. Time to get back to basics: obey completely, right away with a good attitude. Consequences will be severe and out of the box. Some good ole shock and awe parenting.

 

Hang in there. I'm sure most moms on here have been through some tough years with schooling and parenting. Remember that old saying... you are never a failure until you give up. That doesn't mean that you can't rethink your school options but don't ever give up trying to lead your child toward the goal.

[Elizabeth in MN]

My dd has been like this for the past year or two.

 

This happens, much like life. School is work and many people don't like it. It doesn't matter if she enjoys it. All those people who have kids that love home schooling? They have other challenges in their life that we don't. We have this child, right now, and we make the best of what we can with what we have. I wish I had a way to make it all better, some tool that makes everything fall into place and life becomes easy. If I had it, I'd share it and we'd all be happy. What I can do is let you know you're not alone.

 

:grouphug:

[Amy M]

Aw, I'm sorry. :grouphug: What an awful feeling. I just prayed for you now. I agree with Galmiborn that the character issues are more important right now than trying to make school fun. No child has fun or is fun when they are complaining or unthankful. I was thinking just today how I need to work on my three-year old more with that, because I don't want it to develop any further. My other boy is sensitive and likes to please his parents, so he's not a problem. I don't know how you feel about spanking or what methods you use for discipline? But maybe you'd appreciate some of the insights in Tedd Tripp's book Shepherding a Child's Heart. Not sure what advice exactly you're hoping for, but hugs to you, and I hope you can find a way to get to her heart. I have also asked my husband to support my endeavors, by asking the children about their work, whether they obeyed me, etc. when he gets home.

[Stuart]

You are not a failure. She is 9. I bet she complains when you ask her to brush her teeth, get dressed, feed the dog, pick up. She wants to do HER stuff it's developmentally appropriate. Unfortunately not Life. We all have to do things we don't enjoy. Do you skip to the toilet singing when you go to clean it :). I completely understand your situation my son has days every word out of his mouth is a complaint. I try to let natural consequences happen. Sorry you didn't finish in time to go to the playground it's time to get supper ready. Hard to do but I think I'm making some progress. I also will get up and walk out of the room. He knows I'm annoyed and disappointed. Yesterday I did this and when I came back (I went and got mail) he had done what he was suppose to and it was correct. PS I will admit I went through yelling, punishing, crying with no success. I also read aloud between subjects (5 min) because he really enjoys that and it improves his mood.

Being a parent is HARD. We do double duty. Kids push boundaries it's natural as they find their place in the world. Please remember people most often talk about the good things their children do giving a distorted image of reality. No ones children are perfect but when you listen to other parents you start to feel that way. You start to feel it's only you and your child who have these problems. It's not!!! Please remember that. Hope you find peace soon.

[lincap]

You are not a failure!

 

Ok.. some quick thoughts.

 

When my 6.5 yr old said he doesn't need to know anymore math (which he did once and only once), I said "ok. Here is your work for today" and left the room. He quickly realized he did not know how to do it and needed me. When he came into me yelling and screaming "I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!" We worked on speaking to mommy in the right tone. It took all day.

 

I usually say "I cannot hear anything except kind words and nice tone".

 

I think I would stop the work and read books or do mini-lessons on character/behavior. Set up a chart (if that works for a 9 yr old), that shows the work that they need to get done before outside/computer/tv/sports/etc... and start slow... maybe the first week it is only Math. Then second week Math and reading... on and on... gradually getting used to the idea of finishing work.

 

Just as a side note we use Points for behavior. So I have a clicker for each boy. (http://www.amazon.com/Champion-Sports-AQ6862-Tally-Counter/dp/B000A7NWKS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1346503880&sr=8-1&keywords=counter+clicker) And they get 1 point for every "yes mommy", 1 pt for every first time obedience, 10pts for cleaning up, finishing all school work 20pts. and any other amount of points that I see fit. So then we have rewards turn in 50 pts and get a show on the Kindle. ... stuff like that.

[MrsBanjoClown]

I think this age is tough because they are really starting to assert their independence and recognize that sometimes their own desires are different than ours. My almost 8yo seems to have two different personalities. One day he will be sweet and loving, and then he will be mean and hateful the next day. For the most part he enjoys school, though he does take forever to get his math finished. One of the main reasons I brought him home was to focus on some discipline issues. The main issue we have had is saying "no" when we tell him to do something and arguing with us. Punishing him just makes him more angry, and results in yelling and fit-pulling, and then we have to figure out what to do about that because we can't just let him get away with it. So, I know where you are coming from. I have found that rewards work a lot better than punishment, though consequences do still have a place.

[G5052]

I've been there and lived to tell of it.

 

The reality is that you will go through this type of thing over and over if you continue homeschooling. In my house we're perpetually tweeking the behavior issues because they do indeed interfere with schooling. I think that I've felt what you feel a dozen times or so. And I ignore the blogs because mine have never been that way, and my house isn't that way. The only homeschool blog I read is SWB's because she's frank and thoughtful. Bottom line, mine don't like school. It doesn't matter what I choose, they don't like school. But they have to do it, and my job is to get it done. I will listen to appeals if they don't like something, but complaining and negative talk isn't tolerated.

 

The reality is that you must turn this tide and continously watch for cracks. Doing that is different for every kid and different at every stage. What worked for me a decade ago won't work now. You have to find where their button is, and go from there. IMHO it sounds like you're tolerating a lot of behavior that would be unacceptable in our house. Turning that around will be tough, but I'd put that #1 even before academics for awhile.

[PeterPan]

Just checking how you're scheduling things and whether she *does* have anything to look forward to? In our house, motivation is pretty important. Sounds like you're going to have to pull back and work on discipline. If I were working a schedule like that, I would throw the science to one day a week, history one day a week, and the rest of the history as book basket. That leaves you with only 3 things she needs to do each day: math, grammar, and WWE. I would pick one of them and try to make it independent, because it's an age where they start bucking you wanting to be independent. Then I would take another and attach it to something she really wants to do (snack time, daily trip to the park, whatever). Then I would take the third thing, which presumably is ugghy to her, and I would attach it to something really GRAND that she REALLY wants to do. In our house it was ice skating. As soon as her work was done, we could go. And for all those things I would set a timer and use it. Easy Grammar is 7 minutes. Start the timer, work, done. If she fusses, the timer goes off, she goes to her room.

 

When my dd was young, the rule was you don't want to work for me, go to your room. If your father finds you in your room, well... It was all just very plain and matter of fact. And frankly, now that she's a teen, same deal. Fuss, tired, go to your room for a nap. JW said the same thing when they fall apart: sandwhich, take a walk, take a shower, take a nap. It's not necessarily punitive so much as helping them to refocus and get back in their peaceful spot. Sometimes there's a reason.

 

It might be really distracting to work with the 4 yo in the room. How is that going?

 

Around that age I also started having "School without Mom" day once a week. Seriously. Like I made a whole list of her things that I knew she could do on her own (not necessarily her normal stuff either, might be watching 3 Magic School Bus videos and doing a crossword puzzle or something) and we stayed totally apart.

[lindsrae]

My daughter is 7, and we struggle with the same things :( :grouphug:

[Wildiris]

It sounds like your DD is engaging in a power struggle with you and you're letting her win.

Been there and there again with DD~9. I am the mean mom. I do not take "No" for an answer. When the behavior gets bad, and it gets bad, I lay it out hard and make my expectations clear. DD does not rule the roost. I am the parent and I act like the parent/enforcer. I also point to examples in the news and in the neighborhood where the behavior of others (kids and adults) results in negative consequences . Sadly, examples abound. I also look for the positive in DD~9 and lavishly praise her accomplishments. For my DD~9 giving praise is the key. Nothing feels better than to be appreciated for your good efforts. It make it easier to choose being "good" the next time.

 

 

 

[MicheleinMN]

I have gone through this with 3 out of 6 children. I make them stand/sit in a public, but boring room/corner and do NOTHING. Nothing. If you can not do school with a decent attitude then you get to do NOTHING. I've had a couple of children who stayed for hours. I have been known to provide a chair to sit in while you decide to comply or not. You get lunch and/or dinner in the chair. Honestly it took only a day or two of seriously meaning it before my children decided that getting to do school meant that they got to do other things too, but school came first. (I had one child who still would not comply by bedtime. We took everything off his bed but the bedding...no books, no toys, etc., and we started over in the morning.)

 

HTH

[MerryAtHope]

It's not all roses out there, and I'd bet most of us have been through some rough times like this. I have a friend who came up with a great system she calls Family Fun Bucks, see if that's something that would work for you.

 

Some things that helped us:

 

1-pre-coaching. Talk about expectations and the flow of the day ahead of time, very explicitly.

 

2-clear expectations. What is expected for school, how long it will take, and what time is hers to do something she wants to do (unless she forfeits that time by not doing school or dawdling during school). Workboxes really helped us with that.

 

3-don't engage in arguments. Don't try to convince her to do school, to give her reasons, to argue back when she argues with you--that just adds validity to her arguments in her own mind, and makes her think she should argue and fuss all the more. State it, expect it, walk away if need be. Something I used to tell my kids was, "If you choose to argue, you are choosing to disobey." If they said no instead of arguing, they know they'd get in trouble. Arguing is just a more sophisticated way of saying no, one we don't always recognize immediately as parents. I teach my kids that there is a correct way to approach an authority to discuss something, but arguing when told to do something isn't it. So, when they do argue, instead of responding to their points I would say, "You're arguing. Are you choosing to disobey?" (and eventually just, "You're arguing.")

 

4-discussion during a non-conflict time. That would cover what she likes and why, what she dislikes and why (it's not enough to say, "I don't like math," for example. Now, here she has given you more info--she thinks she knows it all. I like the idea another poster mentioned about just giving her the work & walking away, maybe she does know it. Another idea is to skip the unit & give her the test. If she aces the test, she didn't need to do that unit, move her on to the next one. Maybe offer 1 day off of math as a reward if she aces it, or something else she would enjoy. If she doesn't ace it, then you can both see she needs to do the unit.). I always let my kids know that I was willing to work with them--but they had to work with me too. Math isn't optional, but how we do it is. I look at these conversations as times to build bridges--and I even say that. We don't have to be on opposite sides here, we don't have to be adversaries. If that's what you want, ok, we can do that--doesn't sound like much fun to me. How can we work together to make school better? Also--I explain that school could be more fun if Mom had more energy--but bad attitudes steal mom's energy. You're the one missing out, kid.

 

5, realize it's not your job to make school fun. Sure, plan things that could be enjoyable, but you are not responsible for your child's emotions. Her attitude is her choice. I actually told my kids this too. "This could be fun if you wanted to have fun, but either way you have to do it. Your attitude is your choice." I also asked my kids at times, "would you like it if I huffed about having to make you dinner, wash your clothes, take you places? Would you like to live with a mom like that? Just because I don't enjoy doing something, doesn't mean I have to make a stink about it. My attitude is my choice too, and I can have a good attitude even doing tasks that aren't my favorite."

 

6, when my kids responded inappropriately, I sent them to sit on their beds until they were ready to learn. I asked them to pray, and I prayed while they were gone--and when they came back, they were to ask for forgiveness for whatever inappropriate action they took (yelling, throwing a pencil, etc...), and then we would hug and try again.

 

7, I talked about a self-control toolbox. What could they do INSTEAD of the inappropriate action. Ie, instead of arguing/whining/complaining about math, if she said in a self-controlled, respectable way, "Mom, I'll do my math, but I really do think this book is too easy for me," then you could both discuss it. When frustrated, instead of yelling, they can get a drink of water, take a 5 minute break, do some exercise (walk, shoot hoops, jump on a mini-tramp or regular tramp, etc...), ask for help, go to the bathroom, ask for a snack (if appropriate), try another subject and come back to this one, lie down for a few minutes, do some jumping jacks or marching (good for right-left brain activity), etc...

 

8, finally, do consider whether any of her complaints have merit. Do you have a plan each week for playing with friends? (We meet this one by having a "Friday Friend day," and only schooling half-days on Fridays). Make sure that you do listen to her complaints (which is easier if you can have a discussion at a non-conflict time) and consider whether there are ways to make some adjustments.

 

(((Hugs))) Hang in there! Merry :-)

[duckens]

Lots of good advice here. I hope you find what works for you.

 

Motivation is important...and tough. Some kids are easier to motivate than others. We're lucky with dd5.

 

Some kids are like dd's cousin. He wouldn't potty train for the world. His younger sister potty trained before he did. Loverboy's brother and sil tried EVERYTHING. Some kids just cannot be motivated by external factors. OTOH, he's the kid I least expect to submit to peer pressure. It's all internal with him. So if he messes up...you know it all lies with him.

 

But most kids CAN be externally motivated.

 

With dd5, we use tv and money. She earns a set and specific amount of money and tv time for achieving work...and it must all be done correctly. No sloppy work allowed.

 

She gets paid for each subject, and after 4 lessons, she earns tv time (and a break). Etc, etc.

 

If she is having a meltdown, I send her to her bed to rest for awhile. (She can read or play quietly). I don't consider myself to be a parent who demands absolute and immediate obedience, but politeness is nice. No reason to yell at me if I am not yelling at you.

 

If the end of the day comes, and dd doesn't have any tv time...well, that's not my problem. I know that I gave her every opportunity to work on her schoolwork. If she was too busy complaining an having meltdowns, what can I do? This is the natural consequences of not doing a job as an adult. You don't get the privileges the rest of us get if you have not done your job (schoolwork). If you want to sit down and do some schoolwork now, you may.

 

Likewise, when we go to the store, and she wants to buy something, it's not my problem if she doesn't have the money. If she is an adult and doesn't have the money, maybe she should work more. I have no problem being tough in this way. She can work at nearly any time day or night, and we, as her parents, are willing to help her in any way. She is the only one stopping herself from accomplishing her goal of owning a _________. If you want to go home and earn some more money by doing schoolwork, let me know.

 

The amount I pay is pocket change. A little more than $1/day if she does EVERYTHING! PM me if you want more details of how we do this.

[mystika1]

Thank you all so much for the help! I felt so alone and just hopeless. I have already started a plan of attack. :001_smile: I sat alone with my husband and showed him the great responses that I received on this thread. We instantly began to use a lot of what we read. When my dd started fussing this morning(can't remember what it was about) I politely told her that my ears no longer listen to whining and I ignored her. She gave up and walked away.

 

I wanted to start a reward system for good behavior so we went to the store and purchased a large pink mesh backpack(I wanted mesh so that they could drool over the contents) and filled it with all sorts of inexpensive things/treats that the girls would drool over.(a little bit of candy, different flavor lip glosses, play rings, glow in the dark balloons, glow sticks and so on) I even wrote things on cards like movie night, pizza night, or game night and threw those in the bag also. I filled out index cards in two colors.(My oldest has purple and the youngest has yellow) I wrote one rule on each card. For example: My oldest has...

 

Card 1. Completes schoolwork without any fuss.

Card 2. Cleans room when mom says without any fuss.

and so on.

 

Both children have seven cards. They get a smile face and I initial the card as the job or rule gets completed. When they achieve five smile faces they can bring me their cards and pick out 1 item out of the bag. I had to put a lock on the bag though cause they would have been sneaky....:D When I showed them the bag and the cards my oldest said, "I wish we would have had school today so I could get my smiley face." I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO PASS OUT! I am sitting here in awe as their room is clean and their clothes is saved. You ladies are awesome.:D

 

Penny

[PeterPan]

Good for you! Motivation works!!! :)

[dollhouse]

Thank you all so much for the help! I felt so alone and just hopeless. I have already started a plan of attack. :001_smile: I sat alone with my husband and showed him the great responses that I received on this thread. We instantly began to use a lot of what we read. When my dd started fussing this morning(can't remember what it was about) I politely told her that my ears no longer listen to whining and I ignored her. She gave up and walked away.

 

I wanted to start a reward system for good behavior so we went to the store and purchased a large pink mesh backpack(I wanted mesh so that they could drool over the contents) and filled it with all sorts of inexpensive things/treats that the girls would drool over.(a little bit of candy, different flavor lip glosses, play rings, glow in the dark balloons, glow sticks and so on) I even wrote things on cards like movie night, pizza night, or game night and threw those in the bag also. I filled out index cards in two colors.(My oldest has purple and the youngest has yellow) I wrote one rule on each card. For example: My oldest has...

 

Card 1. Completes schoolwork without any fuss.

Card 2. Cleans room when mom says without any fuss.

and so on.

 

Both children have seven cards. They get a smile face and I initial the card as the job or rule gets completed. When they achieve five smile faces they can bring me their cards and pick out 1 item out of the bag. I had to put a lock on the bag though cause they would have been sneaky....:D When I showed them the bag and the cards my oldest said, "I wish we would have had school today so I could get my smiley face." I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO PASS OUT! I am sitting here in awe as their room is clean and their clothes is saved. You ladies are awesome.:D

 

Penny

 

I love this plan! What a great idea. I hope this helps you get over the hump!

[wheezie]

Just throwing this out there...;)

 

My dd was like that when we first started hs'ing. Every.single.day there were tears and tantrums during school to the point I really thought something was wrong, but for her it boiled down to the fact that I wasn't using things that were appropriate for *her* learning style. I bought things that appealed to *my* learning style. I wasted A LOT of $$ on SL and WP b/c I totally love a literature approach. Dd, however, did not. She is (gasp) a workbook kinda girl. If you start reading to her she just falls apart; eyes glaze over, etc.

 

It took several years for all of this to click in my head. I assumed I was just a rotten teacher, or if I could just buy the next popular thing, etc. I actually had to step away from hs'ing boards in general b/c I always felt like my method of workbooks/textbooks was frowned upon. And some would frown upon it-but I really don't care. :) I now have a dd that LOVES school and who is often at our hs table by 8 am, ready for the day, and ready for her workbooks.

 

Just a thought. :)

[G5052]

Thank you all so much for the help! I felt so alone and just hopeless. I have already started a plan of attack. :001_smile: I sat alone with my husband and showed him the great responses that I received on this thread. We instantly began to use a lot of what we read. When my dd started fussing this morning(can't remember what it was about) I politely told her that my ears no longer listen to whining and I ignored her. She gave up and walked away.

 

I wanted to start a reward system for good behavior so we went to the store and purchased a large pink mesh backpack(I wanted mesh so that they could drool over the contents) and filled it with all sorts of inexpensive things/treats that the girls would drool over.(a little bit of candy, different flavor lip glosses, play rings, glow in the dark balloons, glow sticks and so on) I even wrote things on cards like movie night, pizza night, or game night and threw those in the bag also. I filled out index cards in two colors.(My oldest has purple and the youngest has yellow) I wrote one rule on each card. For example: My oldest has...

 

Card 1. Completes schoolwork without any fuss.

Card 2. Cleans room when mom says without any fuss.

and so on.

 

Both children have seven cards. They get a smile face and I initial the card as the job or rule gets completed. When they achieve five smile faces they can bring me their cards and pick out 1 item out of the bag. I had to put a lock on the bag though cause they would have been sneaky....:D When I showed them the bag and the cards my oldest said, "I wish we would have had school today so I could get my smiley face." I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO PASS OUT! I am sitting here in awe as their room is clean and their clothes is saved. You ladies are awesome.:D

 

Penny

 

And hang in there. Forget the pretty pictures on the blogs, this is *real* and is as important as the curriculum you choose.

 

As an example, my teens were crabby all week as we ramped up to full school. We had some melt-downs over not being to find books and misplaced assignments. I held the line though and told them that I wasn't tolerating complaints although I will consider well-reasoned appeals. I made them a good breakfast every day and told them how much I love them. I stocked up on some special snacks. And by Friday they were more cheerful and were talking about their Latin, what they were reading, and the biology lab. We got over the first hump!

[Gentlemommy]

It's not all roses out there, and I'd bet most of us have been through some rough times like this. I have a friend who came up with a great system she calls Family Fun Bucks, see if that's something that would work for you.

 

Some things that helped us:

 

1-pre-coaching. Talk about expectations and the flow of the day ahead of time, very explicitly.

 

2-clear expectations. What is expected for school, how long it will take, and what time is hers to do something she wants to do (unless she forfeits that time by not doing school or dawdling during school). Workboxes really helped us with that.

 

3-don't engage in arguments. Don't try to convince her to do school, to give her reasons, to argue back when she argues with you--that just adds validity to her arguments in her own mind, and makes her think she should argue and fuss all the more. State it, expect it, walk away if need be. Something I used to tell my kids was, "If you choose to argue, you are choosing to disobey." If they said no instead of arguing, they know they'd get in trouble. Arguing is just a more sophisticated way of saying no, one we don't always recognize immediately as parents. I teach my kids that there is a correct way to approach an authority to discuss something, but arguing when told to do something isn't it. So, when they do argue, instead of responding to their points I would say, "You're arguing. Are you choosing to disobey?" (and eventually just, "You're arguing.")

 

4-discussion during a non-conflict time. That would cover what she likes and why, what she dislikes and why (it's not enough to say, "I don't like math," for example. Now, here she has given you more info--she thinks she knows it all. I like the idea another poster mentioned about just giving her the work & walking away, maybe she does know it. Another idea is to skip the unit & give her the test. If she aces the test, she didn't need to do that unit, move her on to the next one. Maybe offer 1 day off of math as a reward if she aces it, or something else she would enjoy. If she doesn't ace it, then you can both see she needs to do the unit.). I always let my kids know that I was willing to work with them--but they had to work with me too. Math isn't optional, but how we do it is. I look at these conversations as times to build bridges--and I even say that. We don't have to be on opposite sides here, we don't have to be adversaries. If that's what you want, ok, we can do that--doesn't sound like much fun to me. How can we work together to make school better? Also--I explain that school could be more fun if Mom had more energy--but bad attitudes steal mom's energy. You're the one missing out, kid.

 

5, realize it's not your job to make school fun. Sure, plan things that could be enjoyable, but you are not responsible for your child's emotions. Her attitude is her choice. I actually told my kids this too. "This could be fun if you wanted to have fun, but either way you have to do it. Your attitude is your choice." I also asked my kids at times, "would you like it if I huffed about having to make you dinner, wash your clothes, take you places? Would you like to live with a mom like that? Just because I don't enjoy doing something, doesn't mean I have to make a stink about it. My attitude is my choice too, and I can have a good attitude even doing tasks that aren't my favorite."

 

6, when my kids responded inappropriately, I sent them to sit on their beds until they were ready to learn. I asked them to pray, and I prayed while they were gone--and when they came back, they were to ask for forgiveness for whatever inappropriate action they took (yelling, throwing a pencil, etc...), and then we would hug and try again.

 

7, I talked about a self-control toolbox. What could they do INSTEAD of the inappropriate action. Ie, instead of arguing/whining/complaining about math, if she said in a self-controlled, respectable way, "Mom, I'll do my math, but I really do think this book is too easy for me," then you could both discuss it. When frustrated, instead of yelling, they can get a drink of water, take a 5 minute break, do some exercise (walk, shoot hoops, jump on a mini-tramp or regular tramp, etc...), ask for help, go to the bathroom, ask for a snack (if appropriate), try another subject and come back to this one, lie down for a few minutes, do some jumping jacks or marching (good for right-left brain activity), etc...

 

8, finally, do consider whether any of her complaints have merit. Do you have a plan each week for playing with friends? (We meet this one by having a "Friday Friend day," and only schooling half-days on Fridays). Make sure that you do listen to her complaints (which is easier if you can have a discussion at a non-conflict time) and consider whether there are ways to make some adjustments.

 

(((Hugs))) Hang in there! Merry :-)

 

 

Great ideas! We use most of those techniques as well, and we are finally at the point where HS is enjoyable. It took about six months of consistency, but it is SO nice now. There are still moments of frustration, sure, but for the most part, it really is good now. My 7.5 year old dd has had many obstacles to overcome, making school harder for her, but she is slowly getting better and better and we are seeing daily successes. Best of luck OP, I know how frustrating it can be.:grouphug:

[Guest provident path]

Oh, mama! My heart feels your pain.

 

Being new here, "unestablished" so to speak, no one knows me yet. So let me say it up front: I am no expert in homeschooling, child development, or any such subject. I do have several thoughts, though. Take whatever fits your situation, and ignore the rest. ;)

 

HS is about freedom. You are exercising your freedom by educating your dd in the manner that you see fit. At the same time, "freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes" (Ghandi). Not saying you have made a mistake... but if you need to reevaluate and tweak things, don't beat yourself up.

 

When I feel overwhelmed, underwhelmed, frustrated or any other dissatisfaction with hs, I go back to my long-term goals. I visualize my dd as the adult I want her to be, then critically examine what I'm doing to see if I'm going in the desired direction. Are you training up a literary scholar, or is the process of learning more important? Neither is wrong; it's just a process that helps me figure out what I need to stick with and what can be set aside.

 

Before you step up the discipline, see if you can figure out what inner developmental issues dd may be dealing with. Her attitude and compliance may improve if these can be addressed.

 

Around age 9, children are starting to really "see" themselves as a person that is separate from the family. It's an exciting change but unsettling, as she doesn't yet have a solid & stable inner foundation to grow from. She will want to assert her independence and try new things yet is hypersensitive to criticism.

 

If this is her issue, it is a good time to gently show her ways she can contribute, both to the world-at-large and to her family. Start doing regular community service, if you haven't already. Is she cooking yet? Teach her make a simple meal, then let her serve it to the family while you ohh & ahh. Ask her to sit down with you while you do a monthly budget and pay the bills (sneaky math trick). Help her find a project that will span some time. Hatch some baby quail - they grow so quickly that it holds interest well. If she is ready and it fits with your family, get her a puppy and require her to take it obedience classes and train it daily. Help her plan, plant and daily maintain a simple garden. Help her make something she can decorate her room with. We are working on finger-knitting curtains (http://www.flaxandtwine.com/2012/03/finger-knitting-door-curtain-with-bells.html). The two of us sit down together, alone, and just chat while we finger-knit. She needs time to talk and feel like you are really listening to her. She needs some time to be with her peers. She may benefit from a queit place of her own where she can retreat, like a tent or a play house that is just hers. Look for ways to help her develop some competence that will foster confidence. Be sure to give her sincere compliments every day.

 

Is she getting enough quality sleep? Is the balance between sitting-down-academics and active play right for her? Is she in a competetive activity, that maybe she'd benefit from being at a recreational level instead? Is there a character in a favorite tv show or movie whose behaviors she is modelling? (Really unpopular choice, but when I cut out ICarly and Hannah Montana, dd's behavior improved.)

 

As *hard* as it is, try to be a role model for her. There are many situations in life where there are no quick 'n easy fixes. Like your frustrations right now. Like the emotional instability of developmental change. When her body changes. When she starts to like boys. When she is in the college application process (if that is her path). Let her see you be willing to be uncomfortable while you work through possible solutions. This trait will serve her well as an adult. (And remind me I said this when it's my turn to feel down)

 

Don't get me wrong about discipline. She still needs firm & consistent boundaries, set by parents. And you need it, too!

 

Lastly, don't forget to nurture yourself, too. Spray on some perfume, get some exercise, take a personal time-out. Have a date night. Get a mani with a friend. Pat yourself on the back for all the wonderful things you do. You deserve it, mama.

[ktgrok]

9 is when they turn awful. Sorry, but it is true. Search the forum for threads about 9 year olds....seriously, there are a ton of them. Mine was the same way. Best thing was when I would just leave the room. Turns out having a tantrum is less fun if mom isn't there to see it.

[staysee34]

9 is when they turn awful. Sorry, but it is true. Search the forum for threads about 9 year olds....seriously, there are a ton of them. Mine was the same way. Best thing was when I would just leave the room. Turns out having a tantrum is less fun if mom isn't there to see it.

 

 

:iagree:

 

I am all for and promote "active" ignoring. It is by far the best technique I have found for dealing with tantrums and other inappropriate outbursts directed towards me. I am grateful for the day when I sat in on job training teaching me how to do it effectively. Both DD10 and DD8 are SN, active ignoring is truly the only way I manage to keep my sanity throughout the day.

 

Chin up and charge the mountain, Mama! This, too, shall pass.:grouphug:

[Just-a-mom]

I'm going through the same thing now. Here is sort of a note to myself. Somebody please remind me of this when I go through it again with the next five kids. Eek!

 

It helps to remember that she doesn't hold my success/failure in her hands. I do, by the way I react to her.

 

It helps to remember that behavior and academics don't need to conflict and vie for priority, cause sometimes, behavior *is* the lesson for the day.

 

It helps to remember she doesn't need to like me or be my friend or be happy in order for me to be a success. See #1.

 

It helps to remember that her behavior doesn't mean I've chosen the wrong path or curriculum. She's just eight, for Pete's sake. I'm four times older, and know better than she does what's good for her....no matter how linguistically gifted and smart she sounds.....she's still just a child.

 

 

You say they get worse at nine? Hoo boy. Can't wait! ;-)

[KrissiK]

I have a 9 year old boy who doesn't like school all that much either. However, he has a hard time occupying himself, so school is something for him to do, even though he's not thrilled. There are times he throws a fit, but I ignore him and send him to his room with his work and tell him he can't come out until it's done. Some days he's in there all day long. Other days, he's in there for half an hour. Same amount of work each day. He's a bright boy. He just doesn't want to be told what to do.

[ktgrok]

Oh, and I've explained to my son that this IS a character issue. I flat out told him one day, as he was moaning and groaning over math, that at this point I no longer care about the math, the math isn't the issue. The issue is what kind of person he is going to be. Is he someone that gives up when things get hard? Or someone that buckles down and pushes through to the other side, even when things are tough. (this REALLY is probably the biggest thing i need to teach him...both because he has a tendency for things to be easy for him, and because his father has a horrid work ethic and I don't want him to follow in his father's footsteps...my ex dh for those wondering.)

[Lily_Grace]

One thing that really helped with ds at that age was to sit him down and tell him, "this, this, and this need to be done. What would help you get that done today?"

 

9yo is perfectly old enough to be an active participant in the education. It's like the kid who stomps around complaining about being bored - everything mom suggests is shot down because mom suggested it. I just stop playing the game and turn it back. "yes, this needs to happen. How are you going to make it happen?" "What are YOU going to do about it, sweet child?"

[laundrycrisis]

I also see it as a character issue. It is a battle I cannot afford to lose. There is too much at stake.

 

Homeschooling got easier when I truly stopped caring if DS1 enjoyed it or not. The work is not optional. I quit trying to make it something he liked and I quit blaming myself for his attitude problem. The only thing he accomplishes by griping and dawdling is getting a mom who is then not going to any extra effort to include an extra fun activity, and using up his own free time by taking longer to get his work done. His choice. When there was still a string of guilt hanging from me that he could pull on, he did. I cut that off and now there is nothing for him to yank, so he quit trying. He does the work. He also encourages his younger brother to attend to his work.

[Terabith]

:grouphug: Similar issues here. How do you enforce instant obedience with a cheerful spirit? It's the cheerfulness that seems both odd and difficult to enforce to me. I would love it if we didn't have to fight over EVERYTHING (tooth brushing, dressing, etc). There are days I'm exhausted before we've started. My seven yr old will not do anything unless specifically instructed. Today she got to church and said she hadn't eaten breakfast because I had not specifically told her to! ARGGG!

[MeganW]

My kids are welcome to have a bad attitude, but the rest of us are not going to listen to it. That child does not by any means have to do their schoolwork while the rest of us are working. They are welcome to sit on the top garage step until they feel like doing it.

 

We leave the house EVERY afternoon. Sometimes for activities, sometimes to the playground, sometimes to meet friends. Any child who did not finish their work brings it along and is to work on it (alone) whereever we are rather than participating.

 

Math that wasn't fun at the kitchen table is REEEEEALY not fun while your friends and siblings are playing at the playground, or while all your siblings are having fun in gymnastics class.

 

It took each of my kids exactly one try to figure out that yes, I really was going to make them sit and work rather than threaten and then let it slide!

 

I then had my sly child try it on the one afternoon we didn't have anything planned (so she thought it would be a day she could get away with it), and it was rainy and yucky out so not a playground-type day. I quickly scheduled an impromptu movie night (in the afternoon!), complete with popcorn and M&Ms. She sat in her room and cried the whole time. The next day, she had to do two days worth of work in order to be eligible for the afternoon gymnastics class. :)

 

Part of school is learning to do work, whether or not it is 100% fun all the time. You still have to do it, and do it without ruining everybody else's day. You try to find enjoyment in it, and if you can't, well, you get through it as best you can with a good attitude. My kids' future bosses will thank me for teaching my children this lesson!

 

Also, keep in mind that seeing Mom get flustered and upset is half the fun for a kid. Makes them feel powerful or something. You have to be sweet and kind, even if you are faking it. "Oh, I'm so sorry that you don't feel like doing this math. Go sit on the top garage step until you feel like doing it. Hope it's done in time for you to play with your friends this afternoon - come back as soon as you feel better!" Big smile. I truly treat my kids as though I was concerned that they didn't feel well. :)

 

I think arguing with them about the merits of any particular lesson is useless. It's sort of like trying to convince an anti-homeschooler of the merits of homeschooling. It's just a waste of effort, because they aren't going to change their mind, and when you argue with them, they see it as an opportunity to change your mind. In this case, I would respond to her complaints about knowing all the math with "great - it should go really fast then!" Or possibly assign 2 sections a day instead of 1 if it is "so easy"! :)

Edited September 2, 2012 by MeganW

[MeganW]

I have gone through this with 3 out of 6 children. I make them stand/sit in a public, but boring room/corner and do NOTHING. Nothing. If you can not do school with a decent attitude then you get to do NOTHING. I've had a couple of children who stayed for hours. I have been known to provide a chair to sit in while you decide to comply or not. You get lunch and/or dinner in the chair. Honestly it took only a day or two of seriously meaning it before my children decided that getting to do school meant that they got to do other things too, but school came first. (I had one child who still would not comply by bedtime. We took everything off his bed but the bedding...no books, no toys, etc., and we started over in the morning.)

 

HTH

 

You may be one who helped me realize that the garage was a MUCH better place to retreat to sending my kids to their rooms. They were happy to quit school to go play in their rooms!

The top garage step works beautifully!

- there really is absolutely nothing to do,

- the child can throw a fit as loudly as they want and it is muffled through the door, so it doesn't really bother the rest of us

- though it is somewhat sheltered from the elements, it is hot in the summer and cold in the winter, just enough to be uncomfortable

[MeganW]

I also asked my kids at times, "would you like it if I huffed about having to make you dinner, wash your clothes, take you places? Would you like to live with a mom like that? Just because I don't enjoy doing something, doesn't mean I have to make a stink about it. My attitude is my choice too, and I can have a good attitude even doing tasks that aren't my favorite."

 

I actually did that all day one day, just so my kids could see how annoying it was to listen to / deal with! I whined and grumbled about every single thing I did ALL DAY LONG. Especially when they asked for something. It made quite the impression! :)

[MeganW]

I felt so alone and just hopeless.

 

Seriously? You HAVE to know that EVERY parent goes through this!!! They may not blog about it, because who wants to read that, but EVERY SINGLE PARENT goes through struggles like this at some point or another! You are kidding yourself if you think otherwise! :) You are NOT alone, and it is NOT hopeless!!!

[MeganW]

Thank you all so much for the help! I felt so alone and just hopeless. I have already started a plan of attack. :001_smile: I sat alone with my husband and showed him the great responses that I received on this thread. We instantly began to use a lot of what we read. When my dd started fussing this morning(can't remember what it was about) I politely told her that my ears no longer listen to whining and I ignored her. She gave up and walked away.

 

I wanted to start a reward system for good behavior so we went to the store and purchased a large pink mesh backpack(I wanted mesh so that they could drool over the contents) and filled it with all sorts of inexpensive things/treats that the girls would drool over.(a little bit of candy, different flavor lip glosses, play rings, glow in the dark balloons, glow sticks and so on) I even wrote things on cards like movie night, pizza night, or game night and threw those in the bag also. I filled out index cards in two colors.(My oldest has purple and the youngest has yellow) I wrote one rule on each card. For example: My oldest has...

 

Card 1. Completes schoolwork without any fuss.

Card 2. Cleans room when mom says without any fuss.

and so on.

 

Both children have seven cards. They get a smile face and I initial the card as the job or rule gets completed. When they achieve five smile faces they can bring me their cards and pick out 1 item out of the bag. I had to put a lock on the bag though cause they would have been sneaky....:D When I showed them the bag and the cards my oldest said, "I wish we would have had school today so I could get my smiley face." I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO PASS OUT! I am sitting here in awe as their room is clean and their clothes is saved. You ladies are awesome.:D

 

Penny

 

 

We need a "like" button, like on FaceBook! :) Good for you for recognizing the problem, coming up with a solution, and actually getting motivated enough to get it fully implemented!!!

[MerryAtHope]

I actually did that all day one day, just so my kids could see how annoying it was to listen to / deal with! I whined and grumbled about every single thing I did ALL DAY LONG. Especially when they asked for something. It made quite the impression! :)

 

LOL! :lol: I'll bet it did! I don't think I could stand myself, HA! :lol: