How do you encourage a child to be more ...hmm....positive?

[lovinmomma]

My 6 year old son has always tended to be somewhat negative about life in general.

 

DISCLAIMER: Please don't take that as me bashing my son. I love my son. He is an amazing boy, but I feel the need to encourage him through this attitude problem.

 

For example, I will excitedly proclaim to the children that we are "going to the park". We get there and he MAY be happy while there, but will tell me afterwards when I ask if he had fun "well, I wish there had been a twirly slide". Another hypothetical example would be: I make a cake and he's upset about the fact that his piece didn't have as much chocolate as so and so's cake had.

 

Every day life experiences are negative. I'm not really sure why other than the fact that his dad tends to be negative (again, not bashing).

 

Background: My son has gone through some very very hard life changes in the past couple of years and saw some things that are very hard for a child to see. He has always been more of a pessimist, however, even before these life events.

 

I don't want to discount how my son feels right now. I just want to find a way to brighten his attitude and help him look at the positives in life. Any good ideas??? In addition, there was a time when my son was younger that teachers were talking about him possibly being on the autism spectrum, but he was tested and shown not to be.

 

My son DOES show joy and love at times and I try to really reward that with lots of love, hugs and excitement. This morning was a good morning. He had had enough sleep and he was a happy kid this morning. I really would love to have more of those days. :001_smile:

[lovinmomma]

I should add that because the mornings have been so rough with lots of fits, whining, and complaining...and now this morning was a good "happy" morning; I thought that I would reward him for his attitude this morning. I haven't come up with any ideas of what the reward will be, because he LOVES treats but tends to bounce off the walls at the slightest sign of sugar. ;)

[Missouri Okie]

I think you should buy I small notebook that would appeal to him, and then have him list three things he's thankful for everyday (try to encourage him to thank of new things each day), which you write in the notebook. It would be a junior gratitude journal. Gratitude journals are amazing tools to get one's attitude improved.

 

If you need prompts, Ann Voskamp has some interesting ones each month on her blog, A Holy Experience. For example, one would be 'find something that's yellow that you are thankful for'.

[Sarah CB]

I have one who is like that. She's not unhappy or upset - she just tends to see the negative. If I say, "Wow, what a neat clown!" She'll say, "His shoes sure are dirty." Her glass is half-empty. I've tried prayers of thanksgiving, gratitude journals, pointing out things we can be thankful for, and more but it hasn't impacted her outlook. She's been this way since she could talk. She doesn't point things out in an angry way, it's very matter-of-fact - she just happens to notice the raincloud on a perfect day.

[lovinmomma]

I think you should buy I small notebook that would appeal to him, and then have him list three things he's thankful for everyday (try to encourage him to thank of new things each day), which you write in the notebook. It would be a junior gratitude journal. Gratitude journals are amazing tools to get one's attitude improved.

 

If you need prompts, Ann Voskamp has some interesting ones each month on her blog, A Holy Experience. For example, one would be 'find something that's yellow that you are thankful for'.

 

I haven't tried that, but what I have tried is getting him to tell me 3 things that he is happy for and he would reply something like "nothing makes me happy" or "I don't know anything positive". I even try pointing out positive things for him such as "how about that you got to eat pancakes today...pancakes are your favorite food!" ummm...no...I would just get "that doesn't make me happy". lol :glare:

 

I have one who is like that. She's not unhappy or upset - she just tends to see the negative. If I say, "Wow, what a neat clown!" She'll say, "His shoes sure are dirty." Her glass is half-empty. I've tried prayers of thanksgiving, gratitude journals, pointing out things we can be thankful for, and more but it hasn't impacted her outlook. She's been this way since she could talk. She doesn't point things out in an angry way, it's very matter-of-fact - she just happens to notice the raincloud on a perfect day.

 

Exactly. I have trouble relating, because I'm a glass half full kinda girl. I can typically see the silver lining in just about any situation.

[lovinmomma]

I swear it's just personality/genetic. I'm a glass half empty kind of person myself. I have only learned over the years to try to keep those thoughts to myself. My outlook hasn't changed much though.

 

Hmmm... maybe that is possible since his father tends to be that way.

[kb44]

I agree that it is a personality issue. Others have agreed when this discussion comes up. No one has ever known how to change it, especially the negative outlook people. They say they tried the positive thinking, etc., but it doesn't change them. I am a half full person, DH is half empty. I just don't get it, and he doesn't get me. I can see the difference in my children.

[lovinmomma]

The best my parents could do to attempt to change me was to tell me things could be much worse and to stop feeling sorry for myself. LOL. Not exactly positive is it?! :D

 

What helps me a lot is humor. When I'm feeling very negative I try to think of funny things or about things that make me laugh.

 

 

Maybe what I need to do is to stop taking it so personally. lol The other day I was excited that I had enough cash to take the kids to the dollar store. I excitedly told them what our outing was to be and mentioned that they would get to pick 1 item each. My son's reaction was him making a sad face and whining about "only getting 1 item". Sigh. I have to admit that it stung a little when I was trying to do something exciting for him that (believe it or not) was a sacrifice financially for our family.

[Lizzie in Ma]

I have a child like this as well, she has been through a lot too.

For what it's worth, I am working my way through this book, someone on the boards suggested it. I am hoping to gain insight and tools.

http://www.amazon.com/Freeing-Your-Child-Negative-Thinking/dp/0738211850/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1345573555&sr=8-1&keywords=freeing+your+child+from+negative+thinking

:grouphug::grouphug: to you both

[Mommyof4ks]

I swear it's just personality/genetic. I'm a glass half empty kind of person myself. I have only learned over the years to try to keep those thoughts to myself. My outlook hasn't changed much though.

 

:iagree: My dd who has had a very easy life in every way is very negative. She is sweet, and she does have fun, but just negative. We spent a wonderful day at the lake, she seemed to have fun, but when we left she said she was hot and sweaty all day when we asked what the kids thought about the day. I fall into that trap too if I do not watch myself closely. My youngest OTOH is so very postitive, and he can find the one positive thing in a very bad situation. He had cancer, endured many things kids should never know about not to mention experience, but he remembers the yummy breakfast at the hospital, playing with the nurses, and using his port as a microphone when he he had to go home accessed.

 

They are just two very different personalities, and nothing can change that unless they want to.

[fraidycat]

:bigear: I have on of those, too. My DD. She takes after her Dad, too. I don't know that she'll ever be a positive, upbeat person but she is getting better at trying to find the positive - sometimes. She's 10 now.

[kb44]

I did some research on this a while ago, trying to help my child/husband. The rec'd strategies:

 

1. Use affirmitive words. Say what you want...not what you don't want.

 

2. Try to turn negative events into positive ones. We didn't do this, but we got to do this, or we can do it another day.

 

3. postive thinking about anything when you are feeling down. All the things you are good at, want to accomplish, etc.

 

Unfortunately, they don't work very well for my guys, or others I know who have tried them. :001_unsure:

[garddwr]

I like this book.

[gardenmom5]

first, patience. it takes time, but is doable.

 

I came from a family with a very negative (and overly influential) grandmother. she could find a black cloud on the sunniest of summer days. so I had to learn to be positive. (I'm going to find the silver lining in this cloud if I have to wring it out myself!:D) actually, sometimes I wonder if I'm getting warped as I have so trained myself to see a positive opportunity in bad things happening.:001_huh:

 

so, just be positive. Help him to rework how he see's things as more positive. just keep doing it with him. help him to express appreciation for things- just be patient and keep at it.

 

I have a counselor friend who loves to tell the story of the two kids at christmas. one get's a pony, but it's not the "right kind" of pony and see's all kinds of things wrong with it. He does nothing but complain. the other gets to a room full of manue ladden straw. he immediatly starts digging. "with all this stuff around, there MUST be a pony in here someplace." point is, attitude.

[nrg]

The Optimistic Child: Proven Program to Safeguard Children from Depression & Build Lifelong Resilience by Martin E. Seligman

 

I didn't read all of the responses, so my apologies if this has been said. The above book has many excellent insights and ideas. It will get you tuned in to your son's language and feelings and help you determine what you can do.

 

Best Wishes

[Forget-Me-Not]

I have one like that too. We can be somewhere and she'll have a blast, but when it's time to leave she'll start enumerating her many injustices and all the things that didn't go her way. :001_huh: It's frustrating, but it's a tendency I battle within myself. I've started stopping her and making her tell me something positive instead, or pointing out all the things that DID go her way. I figure it will be a long process. . .

[justLisa]

DS and DH are both very negative by nature. I guess I am more of a pessimist than an optimist though I keep it to myself. DS can find something wrong with anything, but I try to point out something positive.

 

DH deals with it well. He has ALWAYS been the type to think absolute worse case scenario. He said he realized one day that his job is fixing problems, and so he thinks about the worse case, and then tries to come up with a way to deal with it in his head. That's a whole lot of hypothetical going on LOL. I tend to just wallow, so I can feel for DS. I have gotten much better over the years learning to think of the positive and not focus on what is wrong. I think becoming a parent and forcing myself to act the part and teach the kids to be positive has helped that.

 

DD is just my little ball of happy energy.

[kwg]

http://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Grumble-Much/dp/1591474507

[justamouse]

Hmmm... maybe that is possible since his father tends to be that way.

 

 

 

I'm going to erase this later, so please don't quote me.

Edited August 22, 2012 by justamouse

[justamouse]

LOL, but see who is this good for? Just everyone around the negative person. It does nothing to change the negative person IMO. I do understand trying to be considerate of others. I don't tend to point out negatives because I am aware of how others feel about that.

 

That said, despite my negative comments and thoughts I don't feel unhappy. It's just a very matter of fact thought. I noticed the glass was half empty. I don't feel like going out and crying about it. I just noticed it. And it's that way with most of my thoughts and comments. I don't mean much by them. But I have become more aware of the fact others feel differently and think I'm being a downer (on purpose).

 

I am unfailingly practical. But I'm positive. they're not opposed. :001_smile:

[justamouse]

f

I have a counselor friend who loves to tell the story of the two kids at christmas. one get's a pony, but it's not the "right kind" of pony and see's all kinds of things wrong with it. He does nothing but complain. the other gets to a room full of manue ladden straw. he immediatly starts digging. "with all this stuff around, there MUST be a pony in here someplace." point is, attitude.

 

:lol:

 

So true!

[kewb]

I can tell you what not to do:

Shriek like a mad woman about what an ingrate said child is and how they should be counting their blessing and to stop being such a negative nellie all the time.

 

It doesn't work. Ask me how I know.

 

That said-the "I am thankful for" notebook did help a bit. I used to make him right 3 things he was thankful for every night in his notebook.

[SitLongTalkMuch]

I have one who is like that. She's not unhappy or upset - she just tends to see the negative. If I say, "Wow, what a neat clown!" She'll say, "His shoes sure are dirty." Her glass is half-empty. I've tried prayers of thanksgiving, gratitude journals, pointing out things we can be thankful for, and more but it hasn't impacted her outlook. She's been this way since she could talk. She doesn't point things out in an angry way, it's very matter-of-fact - she just happens to notice the raincloud on a perfect day.

 

This is me. I'm not angry or upset the clown may have been neat, but his shoes were also dirty:tongue_smilie:

[beaners]

I like this book.

 

The Optimistic Child: Proven Program to Safeguard Children from Depression & Build Lifelong Resilience by Martin E. Seligman

 

I didn't read all of the responses, so my apologies if this has been said. The above book has many excellent insights and ideas. It will get you tuned in to your son's language and feelings and help you determine what you can do.

 

Best Wishes

 

I was going to recommend the same book as soon as I read the OP.

 

It has taken quite a bit of conscious effort, but I'm trying really hard to not raise my children with the same negative, sarcastic, pessimistic attitude that I was raised with. That isn't to say my parents are miserable people or anything of the sort. But I picked up a definite cynical side from a young age that I don't want for my children. I'm working hard to change that for myself and for them. This book and another by Seligman have been very helpful for me.

[beaners]

 

That said-the "I am thankful for" notebook did help a bit. I used to make him right 3 things he was thankful for every night in his notebook.

 

We do something a little bit like this at the dinner table every night. Everyone can add something to our blessing that they are thankful for. Sometimes the things sound a bit odd at first, but if I think about it? I really am thankful that the carbon monoxide detector stayed at 0. (Contributed by my 5 year old.)

 

We also name a few of our favorite things we did every day. Sometimes those surprise me too.

[Barbara H]

Another recommendation for the Optimistic Child book. You can pick it up used for pennies on Amazon. We found the strategies to be highly effective.

[Julie Smith]

I recently read a Macleans article about this subject.

 

How to retrain your rainy brain

http://www2.macleans.ca/tag/michael-j-fox/

[Onceuponatime]

This reminds me of my 13yo ds, we call him "the party pooper."

 

When he was 4 he threw a fit and was sent to his room and told that he could come out when he was happy. He yelled, "I don't want to be happy!" I said, "that's obvious." Then he yelled, "I don't want to be obvious!" We still laugh about that.

 

We pretty much had to start handling it with a dose of humor so it wouldn't get the rest of us down. I've given up expecting him to be thrilled at anything. So, when he is, it is truly wondrous.

[Incognito]

One thing you can do instead of inviting negativity (was that park fun? - 2 answers, yes or no. you don't want the no...) is to ask "what is one thing you really enjoyed at the park today?" (answer will be positive - and if it is negative you can redirect him to try again because it doesn't answer the question ;)).

 

My DH thinks I'm an Eeyore, I don't think I am. I will matter of factly talk about frustrations, but I also see a lot of stuff I like and I tend to think fairly positively. I tend to vent to DH, I guess, so he gets the crap. ;)

 

One thing that does get me down, though, is people squashing my dreams with realism. If I want to talk about how nice it would be to have an ice cream slide with fudge to slip down I don't need someone being "realistic" and telling me the ice cream would get all gross from people sliding in it and the bugs would be terrible. DUH. I just want to talk about a silly idea. If your DS has silly ideas that he likes, I suggest one way to bring him out of his negative mode is to indulge his fantasies a bit more and let him be silly and have fun with ideas.

[kb44]

I did some research on this a while ago, trying to help my child/husband. The rec'd strategies:

 

1. Use affirmitive words. Say what you want...not what you don't want.

 

2. Try to turn negative events into positive ones. We didn't do this, but we got to do this, or we can do it another day.

 

3. postive thinking about anything when you are feeling down. All the things you are good at, want to accomplish, etc.

 

Unfortunately, they don't work very well for my guys, or others I know who have tried them. :001_unsure:

 

 

LOL, but see who is this good for? Just everyone around the negative person. It does nothing to change the negative person IMO. I do understand trying to be considerate of others. I don't tend to point out negatives because I am aware of how others feel about that.

 

That said, despite my negative comments and thoughts I don't feel unhappy. It's just a very matter of fact thought. I noticed the glass was half empty. I don't feel like going out and crying about it. I just noticed it. And it's that way with most of my thoughts and comments. I don't mean much by them. But I have become more aware of the fact others feel differently and think I'm being a downer (on purpose).

 

These strategies/advice was given to people who wanted to change their negative attitude...they themselves were unhappy with being...unhappy, LOL! My two guys ARE unhappy, often. They feel stressed, axious, and think negatively about situations. Their attitude affects them physically and socially. Not all the time, but enough. I hate seeing them like that.

 

Thanks for some reading recs!

[celticmom]

My dd7 is like this as well. I will definitely try some of the ideas mentioned here.

[Katy]

This really depends on your family dynamic (my sister is super serious and does not take teasing well at all; she considers it abusive and will hold a grudge for decades); but if teasing is acceptable in your family, comparing the kid to Eeyore or Debbie Downer (depending on their age and TV exposure) would probably be the way we'd let the child know that while that may or may not be true, it's not socially acceptable to express.

[lovinmomma]

I'm glad that I'm not alone. I thought maybe it was something that I was doing (or not doing) as a parent. :D Thank you all for the encouragement! I will check out the suggestions for books and see if they have them at my local library. Thank you! :auto:

[lovinmomma]

I recently read a Macleans article about this subject.

 

How to retrain your rainy brain

http://www2.macleans.ca/tag/michael-j-fox/

 

Thank you for the link.