5LittleMonkeys Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 I'm trying to decide how to proceed with this scenario. I have a person in my life that I have known for several years. I have referred to her as a friend in the past, but I honestly don't feel she meets the criteria on my end for that designation. This person, since I have met her, has always been willing to spend time with me when it benefits her children. My only interactions with her have been when she is dropping her dc off for me to babysit, when she is bringing her dc over to play for awhile and she hangs out while they play (until she remembers some errand\thing she needs to take care of and asks to leave them and pick them up "in just a bit"), or on the rare occasion that she has asked to have my dc come to her house in order to keep her own dc out of her hair while she is working on cleaning\cooking, etc. It is ALWAYS about giving her dc an opportunity to play or providing them with a diversion so she can do things without having to deal with them. I have continued this relationship for several years mostly because I was trying to build a relationship with her, and my son enjoys playing with her two boys. She's never done anything to purposefully harm me in anyway, and I've always had the right to say no if I didn't want to babysit or have them come over to play spur of the moment. I've told my husband, though, that I truly believe that if her children or ours were to go stay with relatives for an extended period of time I would not hear from her at all. I feel she is 'friends' with me only because it is beneficial to her for playdates and babysitting. Well, recently, I have had that statement proved accurate, and unfortunately the circumstances surrounding it have left me feeling resentful. She told me several months ago, when she came over so her boys could play, that she and her husband were having marital problems that would probably result in divorce. I was astonished and very upset for her (I had had no clue they were having problems). I began to ask about counseling and so forth and she said that their problems had been going on for months and that there was no reconciliation. She proceeded to pour out everything going on, her emotions, her disappointment, her anger, frustration, fear... I was there for her and tried to comfort her the best I could. I told her that whatever she needed I would be there to help. Over the course of the next few weeks I kept her dc a lot while she tried to talk to her husband and make plans, all the while she would update me and vent when she was dropping them off or picking them up. She never would call any other time other than to ask for her dc to come over. I tried several times to call her but always got voicemail. Eventually she decided that she and her dc were going to go visit family out of state for a couple of months while she and her dc cooled off and tried to make some decisions. I asked her to please call to let me know how they were. No calls came for 2 months. I called and left several messages. She called me a week after they got back to tell me they were back and to ask if she could drop the boys off to play while she ran some errands. I said of coarse since I wanted to see how she was...what was going on. When she came to drop the dc off she told me that two weeks after she arrived at her family's she developed a medical condition but that they had an amazing time and that while she was gone her dh and she decided to try to work things out. I was happy for her, but a little miffed that I'd spent two months worrying about her marital situation. I of coarse didn't want to make it about me so I just listened as she poured out all the details and emotions. I expressed that I was overjoyed that they were going to try to make it work, but that now I was worried about this medical condition (something with her gall bladder that caused her to retain so much water that she looks pregnant?). She said she was going to the doctor for test results in a couple of days. I asked her to please let me know what she found out. That was over a week ago. Today she called and asked if I could babysit. I asked about the test results and she said she would talk to me when she dropped the dc off...I told her I couldn't watch them this afternoon...she said she'd try to catch me 'later' and hung up. :glare: Now I'm feeling used. I'm feeling that I'm a good enough friend to share all of her turmoil with...as long as she gets babysitting or a playdate out of it. Am I missing something or being self centered regarding this? Give me your thoughts on how you interpret this and how you would feel. Where do I go with this relationship? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Sounds to me like she's playing you. :glare: I think you did the right thing by not being available. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swimtaxi234 Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Tell her that you are trying to earn extra money for Christmas so your babysitting rates will be $10 an hour. :D:D She isn't a friend, but she could be a "client". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Well that stinks. I would just start saying "not today." Repeat, repeat... maybe she will just stop calling. This is part of the reason I don't watch people's kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan C. Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 I'm going from another angle, that she just has a lot on her plate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 (edited) Where would I go? I'd not be available whenever she called for babysitting or "playdates/visits" that turn in to babysitting. If a playdate is really all that important for her and the kids, then a neutral place like a park where you can both sit on the bench and visit might be alright, but honestly it'll probably too much work for her to do that and she won't be able to find "free time" to do that and the relationship will just fade away. BTDT a couple times. I really think now that I'd prefer to find friends who do not have kids, have grown kids, or have kids that are nowhere near mine in age/gender so I'm not just a convenient, free playdate babysitter for them. I am now very upfront when I meet people. I don't watch other people's kids and I don't ask them to watch mine. I might INVITE kids over to play with mine, which will give the parent(s) bonus free time for whatever they want, but that is on my terms. Edited August 9, 2012 by fraidycat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Sounds to me like she's playing you. :glare: I think you did the right thing by not being available. I agree. And I would become permanently unavailable. I'm going from another angle, that she just has a lot on her plate. Well, yes. If this was a new situation that she came clean about because she was suddenly dropping the kids off or calling to see if the OP could watch them, I can totally see that. But I have known a number of people that ALWAYS have a lot on their plate. Because they create drama and the need for others to "be there" for them. Cooking and cleaning or running errands aren't a lot on your plate. They are "I want to get away from my kids... gee, I wonder if I can drop them at Sally's". Which is fine. Except when you call it a friendship and not a babysitting service. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~Amanda~ Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Reading it done to you? Sounds like a very selfish person who is only using you to her benefit. but? This is about 95% of my local personal relationships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Most good friendship usually come with no strings attached. It is obvious that her relationship with you is for the good of her boys as well as herself. She does not really offer anything positive towards your end except this: she trusts you with her children. That's her speaking of your character without really saying anything. All I can say is this: if you do not value the friendship you have with her, then surely her two boys does. Don't forget them or your childrens' friendship to them. Welcome to the forums, Enow -- your post made some interesting points. :001_smile: I am wondering, though, what brought you to a homeschooling forum, as you said in your post in the Testing forum that... Hi all! Testing a post while making an introduction. I've joined the forum to ask questions and to share answers, if any, to questions posters may have. I'm not a parent. I'm singlemale, but not looking, so just know that I am not here for that. I'm not a licensed teacher nor employed with the school system. If you have any other questions, feel free to ask. Hopefully, I can answer. Probably should do my profile page next. You seem very nice, but I have to admit that I'm curious about why you would want to join us here, as most of our discussions would probably be of little to no interest to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 I think she's got a lot on her plate. Near divorce? Travel? Medical condition? Yes, that's a lot. I don't necessarily think she's playing you--this may be the best she can do. I say to extend grace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Sounds to me like she's playing you. :glare: I think you did the right thing by not being available. I agree. I had a friend who was a bit like that, but not nearly as extreme as your "friend". If I were really cynical I'd say she never had marital problems in the first place but that something else might be going on during her appts. But, I'm not that cynical. ;) I'm sorry :grouphug: It sounds like you really tried to be a good friend and she took advantage of your willingness to help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quad Shot Academy Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 I would guess she has a lot going on and has probably given up on having close friends or already has enough. She is probably happy to have her boys having friends. My kids used to only be friends with my friends' kids, but now my kids have several friends that I am not friends with their parents and have nothing in common with them. I am thankful that they found friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 (edited) You seem very nice, but I have to admit that I'm curious about why you would want to join us here, as most of our discussions would probably be of little to no interest to you. Perhaps he is just cracking his knuckles before putting the boxing gloves on. ETA: ohhhhhh, looks like he thought we were cracking our knuckles. Edited August 11, 2012 by kalanamak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflections Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 I would feel a bit put out too - BUT I would still occasionally let my dc have playdates with hers - I just would (1) limit them to when they suited me and (2) I'd be cool about my concern for her -"well, bless your heart, you have been through so much". The coolness towards her would be fueled a bit by my resentment but it would protect me from any further heartache she was causing. BTW and FWIW - the cynical side of me would "wonder" about her pregnant like belly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 Perhaps he is just cracking his knuckles before putting the boxing gloves on. OK, but I think we're ready for him! :D :boxing_smiley: :boxing_smiley: :boxing_smiley: :boxing_smiley: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 To address a few points... I have tried to engage her in activities for just her and me (lunch, shopping, movie, walks) and she always has a reason why she can't even when I offer to let my older girls watch her dc. She has had my girls watch her dc in the past when she needed to do something and I wasn't available. When I first met her I tried numerous times to have her and her dh over for dinner but, again, she never would. Yes, she has a lot on her plate right now, but that doesn't explain the same behavior over the past few years as her problems are recent. I don't know what her friendships with other people are like. I actually don't know any of, or if she has close friendships. It's strange that she will share intimate details of her problems with me, but keeps me at arms length regarding other facets of her life. I don't mind continuing allowing our dc to have play dates but I'm not sure how to remain emotionally neutral when she starts sharing details of her life. When someone sits across from me and begins to cry while they are telling me of their problems I tend to want to help in any way I can. I become emotionally invested...concerned. It's hard to just turn that off when that person decides not to continue sharing. I suppose that's my problem though. I don't know...I definitely feel like I'm being taken advantage of regarding babysitting/playdates so I'm going to curtail that and only accept when it is conducive to my schedule or when i know she really needs help with her dc. I'm going to see where things go when I'm not so readily available for her to drop her kids off here. I know she's going through a lot right now so will let her know that if she needs to talk with me I'm available. I'm not sure what else to do right now. Thanks for everone's thoughts on this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 Sounds to me like she's playing you. :glare: I think you did the right thing by not being available. :iagree: and I am sorry. You invested a lot in this relationship. This just stinks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 I think that you're right that it's time to realize this person does not have a really close friendship with you in mind. She is a neighbor/acquaintance/mother-of-kids-your-kids-play-with. That's all. Sometimes you may have her kids over for a playdate. Sometimes you may do her a favor watching the kids, or being a listening ear when she is suffering. But you can do these things without any expectation of a deep emotional connection, and on your own terms. And, I wish I would have had the presence of mind to say to her (if I were you) "Wow! I wish I would have known that you guys were OK! I was really worried about you!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 I don't know what her friendships with other people are like. I actually don't know any of, or if she has close friendships. It's strange that she will share intimate details of her problems with me, but keeps me at arms length regarding other facets of her life. Speaking only to this part: There seems to be a trend over the past decade or so (maybe longer, but I've only noticed it in that timeframe) of people sharing intimate details of their lives with the most casual acquaintances. I don't know if we're just on the far side of the pendulum swing from the "terrible family secrets" era, or what, but I do know that I often find myself wondering why people share things like that. In no way do I think we need to go to a place of suffering in secret, but I think there is traditionally an implied level of intimacy (for many of us) when certain details are shared, when that no longer seems to be the reality. And that makes for some misled glitches in expectations of relationships. I'm not saying you're wrong in your thoughts, just pondering the whole false-intimacy conundrum in general. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tristangrace Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 One option would simply be to be direct. Share your observations with her. Ask, "do you consider me to be a friend?" You don't have to go into a lot of detail or make it a big emotional thing--just say that you you're getting mixed messages and you'd like to know if this is just about the kids or if she is interested in a friendship with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 (edited) . Edited August 12, 2012 by LibertyH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 (edited) Edited: quoted deleted post. Edited August 10, 2012 by mommaduck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RegularMom Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 I have someone like this in my life. I've learned to set rigid boundaries with her. It gets tricky when there are kids' friendships involved, I know. In my case, I had to let the friendship between the kids cool down for a year or so. And really, the girl wasn't exactly the nicest friend to my dd, when I sat down and honestly looked at it. For a long while, we didn't see much of the family at all, once I put the brakes on the babysitting service. I didn't make anything official. I never sat down to discuss the situation with the woman at all. I just got busy with other things and other people, and was never available. Eventually, she stopped calling altogether. My dd had plenty of other friends and didn't miss this family too much. Recently, however, this woman has come back into our lives. And it's the same old thing. She's put a slightly different spin on it all, in an attempt to make it look different, but really, it's no different. Same drama, different day. So, I'm reinforcing those same old boundaries. Sigh.... Hang in there. You need to take care of yourself and your own. Set your boundaries and watch what happens. She'll bounce off and find someone else to feed on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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