Stranger Danger

[Janell]

When you suggest starting to teach about Stranger Danger and how to be safe and what to do around people that may pose a threat to you or others. My son is 5 and will be doing Kindergarten this year and a part of me thinks he might be too young to understand fully, but then again, you never know what could happen and it might be good for him to know some basic things. I'm just trying to guage when a good time would be to introduce that.

 

also, if anyone has an recommendations for books or videos regarding that topic I would appreciate it.

[Mona]

When my dc were younger, they watched this stranger safety video:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Safe-Side-Stranger-Safety-People/dp/B0009LS9Y4/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1344037932&sr=1-1&keywords=stranger+safety+dvd

 

Safety tips about strangers and people we sorta know were given and what to do in situations and I remember it also discussed when to and not to answer the door, etc. It's presented in a fun (interactive), not scary way.

 

We had rented it from Netlix back then and watched it several times.

[scrapbabe]

When my dc were younger, they watched this stranger safety video:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Safe-Side-Stranger-Safety-People/dp/B0009LS9Y4/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1344037932&sr=1-1&keywords=stranger+safety+dvd

 

Safety tips about strangers and people we sorta know were given and what to do in situations and I remember it also discussed when to and not to answer the door, etc. It's presented in a fun, not scary way.

 

We had rented it from Netlix back then and watched it several times.

:iagree: I also love these. http://www.britemusic.com/safety-kids-set-digital

[magnificent_baby]

When my dc were younger, they watched this stranger safety video:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Safe-Side-Stranger-Safety-People/dp/B0009LS9Y4/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1344037932&sr=1-1&keywords=stranger+safety+dvd

 

Safety tips about strangers and people we sorta know were given and what to do in situations and I remember it also discussed when to and not to answer the door, etc. It's presented in a fun (interactive), not scary way.

 

We had rented it from Netlix back then and watched it several times.

 

I was just about to recommend this DVD too. We really enjoyed watching this, and it is not scary at all. My kids watched it probably hundreds of times, it's really cute and funny. We have the older version (2005?). Looks like they came out with a newer one recently, but I have not seen it. Even years later, we still categorize people as don't knows, kinda knows and safe side adults. I highly recommend! :001_smile:

[...................]

Wow. My kids started learning at 2.5. We used little books from the library, there was some in Ken Taylor's "Right Choices" and in other character building books we read. It is not too early...in fact it's pretty late.

 

The sooner the better. And practice too.

 

PS that video looks great! I wish we had that when my kids were younger.

[Shelsi]

We steer clear of the term "stranger" all together. First off it's very very rare that it's an actual stranger who abducts or abuses your child. Secondly, to kids anyone they see regularly is not considered a "stranger." My kids would never call the mail man a stranger because he waves at us just about every day and sometimes he hands us a package despite the fact that he's not a friend nor do we even know his name.

 

Instead I teach basic safety: to yell out loudly "this is not my mom/dad" if being taken, code words for who it's okay to go with, that grown ups never ask kids for help without talking to their parents first, good grown ups don't ask you to keep a secret, it's ok to trust your intuition, you never have to give someone a hug or sit on their lap if you don't want to no matter who it is, and so on.

[Farrar]

We steer clear of the term "stranger" all together. First off it's very very rare that it's an actual stranger who abducts or abuses your child. Secondly, to kids anyone they see regularly is not considered a "stranger." My kids would never call the mail man a stranger because he waves at us just about every day and sometimes he hands us a package despite the fact that he's not a friend nor do we even know his name.

 

Instead I teach basic safety: to yell out loudly "this is not my mom/dad" if being taken, code words for who it's okay to go with, that grown ups never ask kids for help without talking to their parents first, good grown ups don't ask you to keep a secret, it's ok to trust your intuition, you never have to give someone a hug or sit on their lap if you don't want to no matter who it is, and so on.

 

:iagree: A lot of the books demonize strangers and I specifically wanted my kids to understand that if they were in trouble and somehow I wasn't there, that they would need to ask for help from people they didn't know. We've talked about how to understand who to ask for help - parents with kids, police officers, people who work at where you are - and above all to follow your intuition.

[Momof3littles]

We steer clear of the term "stranger" all together. First off it's very very rare that it's an actual stranger who abducts or abuses your child. Secondly, to kids anyone they see regularly is not considered a "stranger." My kids would never call the mail man a stranger because he waves at us just about every day and sometimes he hands us a package despite the fact that he's not a friend nor do we even know his name.

 

Instead I teach basic safety: to yell out loudly "this is not my mom/dad" if being taken, code words for who it's okay to go with, that grown ups never ask kids for help without talking to their parents first, good grown ups don't ask you to keep a secret, it's ok to trust your intuition, you never have to give someone a hug or sit on their lap if you don't want to no matter who it is, and so on.

:iagree: Stranger danger hasn't been very effective in most studies. Kids will say all of the right things (don't go with a stranger, etc.) and in the moment will do the opposite, in many cases.

 

I haven't read Protecting the Gift, but my understanding is that it takes more of an approach like the above.

 

The people we know are unfortunately one of the greatest risks statistically, and stranger danger doesn't help there.

 

I tell my kids if they get lost, separated, etc, to look for a mom with kids to ask for help. That would go against "don't talk to strangers" but I feel it is one of the safest options if they get separated from me. I don't want them wasting time wandering around on their own looking for a security guard or something.

 

We teach a lot of the points above-be assertive, scream, trust your instincts, it is okay to set boundaries with adults, it is okay to say that something makes you uncomfortable, it is okay to say no to adults. Adults shouldn't ask you to keep secrets, etc.

[laundrycrisis]

I recommend reading, "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin de Becker. He has some excellent recommendations about this.

[Tracy]

I recommend reading the book Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker. It really helped me see how misguided teaching kids about stranger danger is. I had no idea how many kids are hurt by people they know. De Becker recommends teaching kids how to deal with strangers rather than how to avoid them. He talks about teaching kids to follow their gut instincts about people and teaching them that the safest person to approach is a mother. He suggests having very young children learn to navigate public place by having them do things like ask a stranger for the time. A wonderful book every parent ought to read.

[MinivanMom]

:iagree: Stranger danger hasn't been very effective in most studies. Kids will say all of the right things (don't go with a stranger, etc.) and in the moment will do the opposite, in many cases.

 

I haven't read Protecting the Gift, but my understanding is that it takes more of an approach like the above.

 

The people we know are unfortunately one of the greatest risks statistically, and stranger danger doesn't help there.

 

I tell my kids if they get lost, separated, etc, to look for a mom with kids to ask for help. That would go against "don't talk to strangers" but I feel it is one of the safest options if they get separated from me. I don't want them wasting time wandering around on their own looking for a security guard or something.

 

We teach a lot of the points above-be assertive, scream, trust your instincts, it is okay to set boundaries with adults, it is okay to say that something makes you uncomfortable, it is okay to say no to adults. Adults shouldn't ask you to keep secrets, etc.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

This exactly how we teach our children. I strongly recommend the book Protecting the Gift.

[Jess4879]

We steer clear of the term "stranger" all together. First off it's very very rare that it's an actual stranger who abducts or abuses your child. Secondly, to kids anyone they see regularly is not considered a "stranger." My kids would never call the mail man a stranger because he waves at us just about every day and sometimes he hands us a package despite the fact that he's not a friend nor do we even know his name.

 

Instead I teach basic safety: to yell out loudly "this is not my mom/dad" if being taken, code words for who it's okay to go with, that grown ups never ask kids for help without talking to their parents first, good grown ups don't ask you to keep a secret, it's ok to trust your intuition, you never have to give someone a hug or sit on their lap if you don't want to no matter who it is, and so on.

 

:iagree: We started teaching basic safety very, very young too and we use events in our life to continue discussing things and expanding on information as they get older. I honestly don't think it's ever too young to start basic safety. :)

[Shelsi]

I just thought of this, another thing we do is when we go to a big crowded place, like an amusement park, we'll point out to the kids how to identify an employee (name tags, shirt, whatever it is). Then we'll have them point out employees to us and then we'll usually take them up to an employee and have the employee tell them what they would do to help them if they were lost. That way it sticks in the kids' minds.

 

Oh and my kids know our phone number that calls our cell phones. It's amazing to me how many kids do not know their phone number. Dh was a cub scout den leader for 2nd graders last year and only 1 kid (ours) knew his phone number without asking a parent. Last October ds actually wandered off while we were in this ridiculous corn maze - he found another family though, told them his phone number and they called us. We would have been in total panic otherwise.

[Farrar]

Yeah, the phone number thing was, for me, one of the most important safety things my kids needed to know. Before they learned it, I used to ink it on their arms whenever we were going to be somewhere crowded.

[marysbond]

:bigear:

[Bluegoat]

One of the things I've told my kids is that they should not go with anyone without first asking/informing whomever they are with or is responsible for them. So if they are playing around home, then usually I'm the adult responsible, they shouldn't go anywhere with anyone - including someone they know well, without telling me.

 

I think this is a pretty clear and easy to remember rule because it is always appropriate, and it makes sense - the adult in charge is going to want to know what is going on even if it is legitimate.

 

It doesn't address situations like a child being lost of course.

 

I don't really want my kids to think that they need to be scared of people. Most people are very nice.

[IsabelC]

Don't call it stranger danger! (you probably weren't going to)

 

It's far more likely that somebody you know will try to abuse your child than that a stranger will abduct them. And strangers can be the people who will save your child if you are not around. Plus, of course, you probably want your child to become confident to approach strangers in non emergency situations such as asking directions or helping an elderly person.

 

Talk about how to tell if you feel unsafe and what to do. The main thing is that the child can identify if something is wrong (eg somebody wants to touch him inappropriately) and can take action (shout, run, whatever).

 

At 5, I'd guess he's not going to be doing much without you, and he'd usually be with an adult. But you could start with a small number of basic rules such as:

What to do if you can't find mom (or dad / other carer).

Don't go off anywhere without asking the adult who is looking after you, no matter what anybody else says.

Private body parts are not for other people to look at or touch.

You don't have to be polite to someone who is trying to do the wrong thing. (Roleplay shouting "No! Go away! I don't know you!" or whatever words you prefer.)

 

We also have the kids practice reciting their full names, address, phone number, parents mobile numbers etc in case they need to give this info to a police offer / security person / whoever.

 

We talk about who are the best people to approach if they need help - look for somebody in uniform, shop employee, stallholder, etc if you can't find anyone like that go to a mother with kids. Where to go if you feel unsafe - move towards other people until you find somebody who can help. And also we try to emphasize that 99% of people are nice and wouldn't harm kids.

 

 

I still remember my elementary school "Stranger Danger" lessons. They gave us a little booklet like a comic with some scenarios in it. Each one depicted the stranger as an outline, shaded in with black and white stripes. I can only assume that the artist didn't want to imply that the stranger would be any particular race, hair color, appearance. But what I assumed was that dangerous strangers could always be identified by their black and white striped tracksuits. Hannibal Lector could have walked up to me and I would have thought "no black and white stripes, he must be OK"!

 

ETA - Also another thing we teach the kids is about secrets - if somebody tells you that you must never tell about something, or it's our secret, or whatever, you should let a parent know. Secrets are only OK if they are short term and fun, like not telling your sister what her birthday present is. These secrets should be enjoyable. If a secret doesn't feel good, you should tell your parents.

Edited August 4, 2012 by Hotdrink

[Janell]

Thanks everyone for your replys. i'm going to check out the Protecting the Gift book for sure!

I'm sure I will not call it "stranger danger" to my son. That's just what I called it because that's what it was called when I was a kid. and you are all right of course about an abductor being somebody they know and not a complete stranger. I saw on a show once, maybe it was Oprah, about how a lot of kidnappers/pedaphiles will dress up as policemen, or people in authority to gain the childs trust. That is so scary to me because those are the people kids should be able to trust :(

 

DS knows basic safety but I wanted to go a bit deeper this year. He does know his name and phone number and the street and town he lives in. For some reason he can't ever remember his house number which is only 2 numbers!

 

Thanks for all your input! I'll be reading all of this over again to make sure I didn't miss something.

[fourisenough]

Gavin de Becker's first book, The Gift of Fear, is a great read before moving on to Protecting the Gift. Both of these books dramatically changed how I viewed personal safety. Having grown up in the late 70's and 80's with a fairly dramatic/over-protective mother, I knew about all the horrible things that serial murders and child abductors routinely did to children and women. de Becker's books gave me a sense of personal power and control over my own safety that I always felt lacking after the scary scenarios my mother used to tell me about in great, gory detail!

 

My kids all know that the safest person to approach if they get separated from me is another mother with children. The next best alternative is a woman without children. They have been taught to walk up to them, grasp their hand, and ask them to "please call my mother because I'm lost." When my kids were too little to remember our number, they always had a card on a lanyard around their necks (inside clothing) with contact info. With four kids, we've only needed it once (at a ski resort when my 6 year old was right behind me, but took the wrong trail), but I was VERY glad we had a plan.

 

I've never even discussed the word stranger with my kids in the context of personal safety. It isn't even remotely helpful. They know that they must always check with the adult in charge before going with another person, they know to scream/kick/bite if they ever feel threatened by anyone (known to them or not), they know they don't have to be polite to someone if they don't feel safe, they know only mom/dad, grandma/grandpa, and doctor (with mom or dad in the room) are allowed to look at private parts. These are much more concrete, actionable admonitions and we review them/discuss them frequently.

[stripe]

My kids had never heard the term "stranger danger" until some grumpy preschool leader decided I posed a threat to one of the children (presumably not a relative) in her care because I dared go into the library at the same time as them. I was with my two small children. They were a bit disturbed that a small child saying "hi" was screamed at for talking to "a stranger." I think they thought saying "hi" while in full view of an adult was good manners. Apparently, it's only good manners to take toys away from other children, while your distracted caretaker talks with other adults, which was his situation.

 

Anyway, I emphasize talking with a purpose, knowing what's inappropriate, and not going off with someone. My husband and I strongly believe (based on personal observation and statistics) that much abuse is perpetrated by people one knows, most kidnappings, and most rapes. This includes trusted people like family members, family friends, religious and community leaders, teachers, and doctors. So better to know what behavior is weird. I've suggested things to do and say in threatening situations, including saying things loudly or fighting back.

 

It could be appropriate, for example, for my kids' doctor to look at them naked in the office, but weird to do so at dinnertime. It would be appropriate to say hi to the cashier, but strange to be asked to come to dinner by themselves without parents. I have found it more helpful to occasionally discuss this briefly, rather than extensively a single time. It makes it less creepy, too. I do want them to talk to strangers politely. It is especially expected in my husband's cultures to greet people and shake hands and whatnot. Stony silence is seen as rude. I make it a general rule not to teach my kids something false that I plan to unteach later.

[Haupia]

I totally agree with you ladies. We talk about all this with our kids too. We also do role play.. Meaning, my husband will pick them up and they have to scream and try and get out. We teach the and work on it till they can really thrash around in our arms making it very noticiable. We have had attempted kidnappings in our area, and it was because of the akids responses that they weren't taken.

[NanceXToo]

I agree that you should read Gavin de Becker's book. There's also one for kids (prob a bit older than yours though) called The Safe Zone which is great to read with your kids and seems to follow a similar line of thoughts de Becker's book.

[FairProspects]

Yeah, except there actually was an attempted stranger child abduction in my neighborhood this week. The kids were able to get away, but now I really feel a push to teach my dc some safety tips, although I'm not really sure what they can do other than fight back and yell.

[Yolanda]

Adding something...I've always told my daughter that if she goes up to someone she thinks is safe to help her, they shouldn't ask her to 'come with me to my office and we'll call her' or some such rouse to get her out of the public eye and into the shadows. If they say that, then go off to someone else. She shouldn't have to go 'away' to be helped.

 

We've also had conversations about how 'people of trust' can sometimes be the ones we need to be watching out for. Just need to cover all the bases.

[ForeverFamily]

I haven't read through this whole thread, so sorry if I am being redundant.

 

I recommend reading, "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin de Becker. He has some excellent recommendations about this.

 

I completely agree with this recommendation. Someone on here recommended this book to me and I am so grateful they did. It was extremely eye opening. IMO it is a very worthwhile book to read.

[FO4UR]

I recommend reading, "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin de Becker. He has some excellent recommendations about this.

 

 

:iagree:

 

 

A 5yo is not going to understand all the dangers in the world, and you wouldn't want him to. This one is a good book for you to read, and allow some good teaching as you go about life.

 

 

I teach mine to go up to the counter in stores or fast food restaurants. Instead of buying them an ice cream, I sit at the table and give them a dollar bill to take to the counter by themselves. That's just one example. They need to feel confident talking to the staff and asking for what they need, be it ice cream or paging mom. "Excuse me." are powerful words.

 

 

I encourage healthy interactions with strangers. I also validate them when they feel uncomfortable interacting with someone.

 

 

I give them basic advice. Bad guys are most afraid of getting caught. If you feel afraid or worried, get yourself to a public place and get noticed. Bad guys will find someone else to bully if other people would see....that works for "strangers" and for mean kids, btw.

[K&Rs Mom]

ETA - Also another thing we teach the kids is about secrets - if somebody tells you that you must never tell about something, or it's our secret, or whatever, you should let a parent know. Secrets are only OK if they are short term and fun, like not telling your sister what her birthday present is. These secrets should be enjoyable. If a secret doesn't feel good, you should tell your parents.

 

We teach that there's a difference between "secret" and "surprise" - a surprise will be revealed at a certain point (like a gift on a birthday), but a secret is never to be revealed. We tell them that there are NO good secrets.

 

DS knows basic safety but I wanted to go a bit deeper this year. He does know his name and phone number and the street and town he lives in. For some reason he can't ever remember his house number which is only 2 numbers!

 

I made a song/chant out of ours, and just had them repeat it daily as part of school until it was memorized. I still ask them now & then just for a review.

[Sahamamama]

I recommend reading, "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin de Becker. He has some excellent recommendations about this.

 

:iagree:This. It's an excellent book, and debunks the teaching of "Stranger Danger." [Hint: It isn't usually strangers who harm children, but people close to you who have access to children.]

 

The other point I appreciated about his book was that he debunks the idea of teaching children to protect themselves. We are to be protecting them. Food for thought.

[besroma]

:lurk5:

[serendipitous journey]

Protecting the Gift is the one book I wish all the parents I know would read; but it isn't easy reading (there are some heartbreaking stories, so I never would give it to a breastfeeding mama). I cannot recommend it highly enough.

 

ETA: after reviewing the thread, I see that I'm third or fourth on this one! Glad I am not alone ...

[marysbond]

so I never would give it to a breastfeeding mama

 

 

Eeep...I am a breastfeeding mama and I just checked out the ebook - are you speaking from me being overly hormonal ('cause I am, lol!) or b/c there are stories in there dealing with nursing? Need to know before I start reading it, lol!

[EMS83]

An extra thought, sorry if it's redundant. I make a distinction between "secrets" and "surprises" and "private." Presents are surprises, that sort of thing. Our bodies, our money, etc. are private. But I can't think of any good secret. Also, because my kids are soooo friendly, I try to explain that it's fine to be friendly, but that we should be careful about who we trust--trust being the knowledge that someone won't intentionally hurt us--and that trust is earned and we don't just give it away to everyone. Everything else--the assertiveness, etc., I agree with. Prayer, if you pray, is the best possible thing, though.

[IsabelC]

We teach that there's a difference between "secret" and "surprise" - a surprise will be revealed at a certain point (like a gift on a birthday), but a secret is never to be revealed. We tell them that there are NO good secrets.

Great idea. I might try that next time we're on the subject.